To Feel Deeply

Once again I've come to a place where my heart has felt deep sorrow. I had been on such a high since last February, I can even tell you the date. I woke up on Sunday, February 28th 2009 with a sense of completeness. I recognized all the good things in my life and this new direction that I was embarking on. New people came into my life who shared the same interests as me. I was excited and I started living and really enjoying everyday that I was alive. I recognized that life was good and that I was ready to be fully happy. From that point on, I approached every situation with a positive attitude (except when I had mono, that frustrated me pretty good) I believed whole-heartedly, and I still do, that my joy and appreciation of life would affect not just the people in my life, my the world around me.

Every moment I encountered was positive and even the most negative of people could not affect this energy I had taken refuge in. At work, Brenda has asked me repeatedly, "how are you so patient, how do you not get irritated?" My answer has almost always been, "I just tell myself that they have a job to do too. I figure I can get back to my work easily after I complete a simple task." It's like that book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." If you can get through the small stuff, the BIG stuff is easier to deal with.

I don't know how I feel about that statement though. The BIG stuff that has transpired the past few weeks has been incredibly hard to deal with. I've had to do some searching as to why this mess has affected me in the way that it has. I think the reasoning of my Pastor and my Therapist have really shed some light on it.

I'm sensitive.

I identify with other people's feelings. I somehow absorb their emotions and take it into my being. This sensitivity is called empathy. I think many people (my sister Alex is one) can empathize with others by acknowledging and REALLY feeling another's emotions, but most can show sympathy. For some reason my whole being just takes on other's feelings, whether it be happiness or sadness, anger or patience. When I feel the joy in other people, it's so easy to just go with it. What is there to really think about? You're happy! You're enjoying life! But when it comes to sadness and confusion, my mind has a hard time pulling away and saying, "hey, this isn't your battle!"

Being a Christian I want to extend my hand, provide compassion to those in need. I lost a friend due to this. I offered compassion to my best-friend's ex-boyfriend. She could never understand why I did it, but he came to me and I felt I needed to help. It wasn't like I felt this obligation to him, I just felt like I could offer some solace by just listening. Because my best-friend was so angry, I was left with not being able to help. I don't know what ever happened to him because a larger force deemed it unnecessary for me to be there for him. It still plagues me that I DON'T know what happened to him. I pray for him on occasion and that's all I really can do.

And here I am again, wanting to help, but not able to. The pain I feel in this individual has been more overpowering this time. Not being able to help brought this feeling of incompleteness. The past two weeks I felt like a large hole was gnawing at me and all I wanted to do was close it. The tears wouldn't stop, the agony was consuming. If I was feeling this way, I wondered how the person who actually was experiencing the pain and confusion was coping. Which in turn, made me ever MORE upset. But last night, for the first time in my life I meditated and it was better than any dose of Xanax or Clonapin that I have ever been prescribed. I have been able to keep that feeling throughout the day and remain in connection with myself. I have worked so hard on myself and being able to accept myself for who I am, that I cannot let another person's suffering bring me back down to a level where I feel hopeless. I want to offer my help, but I realized last night after the class I attended that sometimes too much compassion can have a reverse affect. I want to facilitate healing, but in reality I must accept the way in which another person wants to heal. As much as I want to help this person understand their suffering, I must allow them to explore it on their own. Whenever this person realizes what brings him/her happiness, I know that I will be happy for them.

My therapist and I discussed today the importance of finding happiness within and that we are ultimately the ones in direct control of it. I believe that and being the way that I am, I will be able to accept the ultimate happiness of this person regardless of what path may be taken. I will always be a friend first and foremost. At this time, the compassion that my friend needs from me is to allow them to understand the suffering within. I am not able to shake somebody and say, BE HAPPY, but I can be patient and accepting. Right now I am just saddened to have lost something that had become dear to me.