Loneliness

Last night I stayed home and cleaned my apartment, watched a movie and drank some beer... alone. It always seems that during the times I am alone in my little world that men from my past creep into it. It's like some kind of cosmic force says, "call Captain Coco." The feelings of being alone can be quite depressing. And because of it, I am willing to let them in for a short while to keep myself occupied. I of course let these men into my life in the first place because they had some quality I enjoyed. But now, those qualities don't measure up to what I want in a companion. One of them is a great friend who was once a boyfriend, but he seems to think that if I talk to him, that he is going to be sexually satisfied. I'm sorry, we broke up and sex is sacred to me. As I've gotten older, I only want to share myself with somebody who understands and accepts me; and who is willing to go the distance with me. Boy number 1 is definitely the number ONE boy in my life and is one of my best friends and I do care for him immensely. I'm just tired of senseless frivolity.

Boy number 2 is young, and really only wants me to mother him. I don't think he has anyone he can trust and therefore I am his closest confidant. I think he has mistaken his feelings for me as romantic feelings. I love him dearly, but I cannot take care of somebody else who needs to understand himself first.

And Boy number 3 is the most idiotic of all. Why would one who continually calls me emotionally unavailable, and not ready for a mature relationship keep coming back around to try to get me to date him? You insulted me the first time around and were not accepting of my independence and my intellect. I do not think I am the smartest person around, but I do believe that I am able to talk with intelligence about the things I believe in. "You don't listen" he said, "and you go on and on about your theories." If I am such a disappointment of a woman for you, why do you keep coming around? I guess the better question is, why do I keep returning his calls?

It's simple really, I'm lonely. I want to share my life with someone, not so much as in the "wedded bliss" context, but just somebody to share my "theories" with. Somebody who I can make sense of the world with.

October through the first week of this year, I had a companion and friend who understood me as much as I understood him. I miss him and am sad that I can no longer talk to him.

I don't want this to sound like a self-inflicted pity party because I am grateful to have the friends I have. I am grateful that a new person has entered my life (through reading my blog and commenting) to stimulate my thinking. He or She has helped in the healing of feeling alone. I think I may go see my grandparents today and then venture out to take photographs. I need something to occupy my mind today.

Oh a lighter note, I made out with Zachary Quinto in my dreams last night. Sleep definitely brought a highlight to my evening.