The Week in Review

I should have listened to my body this week as my effort to keep my body moving has culminated in a worthless Saturday. When my body said, "hey running probably isn't the best idea," I said, "hey body, maybe I can sweat out whatever is going on in there." That ended up with me laying in bed the majority of the day Wednesday and Thursday with chills and a pretty bad sore throat. Had I listened, I would have been able to make healthy decisions this week. And I don't mean like eating healthy, but psychological ones. I saw Agent Z for about an hour last night before heading out to see Shipwreck for his birthday. I had a total of three beverages last night and ended up making some pretty poor choices. The worst of all being a text around midnight thirty. My head has been in the right place for over a week and a half and during a moment of brief sadness, I went ahead and didn't think things through. I wasn't drunk, so I'm not exactly sure why I did it.

I'm going to blame my poor choices this week on my illness and the fact that I think I need to change meds. I can't decide what to attribute my dizziness to. It's such a strange feeling. The top of my head feels very very warm, and I almost feel like there is a constant buzzing going on. My eyes feel droopy and I can't seem to raise my head all the way. I almost feel like I'm walking around with my head bent towards the ground. Raising it has taken quite the effort. I'm thinking it's the meds because my depression seems to be manifesting itself rather differently as of late. I don't know what's going on. I feel strange.

Maybe it's just a combination of being ill, mentally and physically. I'm going back to sleep as I've been SO productive today. Church tomorrow will bring about a new beginning to hopefully a more valuable week. Namaste!

Loneliness

Last night I stayed home and cleaned my apartment, watched a movie and drank some beer... alone. It always seems that during the times I am alone in my little world that men from my past creep into it. It's like some kind of cosmic force says, "call Captain Coco." The feelings of being alone can be quite depressing. And because of it, I am willing to let them in for a short while to keep myself occupied. I of course let these men into my life in the first place because they had some quality I enjoyed. But now, those qualities don't measure up to what I want in a companion. One of them is a great friend who was once a boyfriend, but he seems to think that if I talk to him, that he is going to be sexually satisfied. I'm sorry, we broke up and sex is sacred to me. As I've gotten older, I only want to share myself with somebody who understands and accepts me; and who is willing to go the distance with me. Boy number 1 is definitely the number ONE boy in my life and is one of my best friends and I do care for him immensely. I'm just tired of senseless frivolity.

Boy number 2 is young, and really only wants me to mother him. I don't think he has anyone he can trust and therefore I am his closest confidant. I think he has mistaken his feelings for me as romantic feelings. I love him dearly, but I cannot take care of somebody else who needs to understand himself first.

And Boy number 3 is the most idiotic of all. Why would one who continually calls me emotionally unavailable, and not ready for a mature relationship keep coming back around to try to get me to date him? You insulted me the first time around and were not accepting of my independence and my intellect. I do not think I am the smartest person around, but I do believe that I am able to talk with intelligence about the things I believe in. "You don't listen" he said, "and you go on and on about your theories." If I am such a disappointment of a woman for you, why do you keep coming around? I guess the better question is, why do I keep returning his calls?

It's simple really, I'm lonely. I want to share my life with someone, not so much as in the "wedded bliss" context, but just somebody to share my "theories" with. Somebody who I can make sense of the world with.

October through the first week of this year, I had a companion and friend who understood me as much as I understood him. I miss him and am sad that I can no longer talk to him.

I don't want this to sound like a self-inflicted pity party because I am grateful to have the friends I have. I am grateful that a new person has entered my life (through reading my blog and commenting) to stimulate my thinking. He or She has helped in the healing of feeling alone. I think I may go see my grandparents today and then venture out to take photographs. I need something to occupy my mind today.

Oh a lighter note, I made out with Zachary Quinto in my dreams last night. Sleep definitely brought a highlight to my evening.

Tuesday=Thinking Day

Almost every Sunday I go to church and I really feel like the entire world is quieted for a moment and that I can finally be in touch with what is the truth. I feel so intoxicated by what I think is the Spirit of God. I do believe in the energy of God and I think the word "Spirit" is what we have named it. This energy surrounds us, pushes us forward, influences our decisions, and most importantly is always present.

Patrick told me that he thinks I am sensitive to the Spirit and I'm starting to believe him. Either he reads my blogs and then writes his sermons or we are both on that same wavelength and we have some kind of connection. I highly doubt he reads my blogs and if he does, he only reads a few. The man is a busy man, our church has a lot of old people and he has to make A LOT of hospital visits, plus he's working on his Doctoral Degree... or something. Anyway, enough back story. (this may be why my blogs get so long)

About five years ago I discovered God and allowed Him/Her/It into my life, but in a different form than a "Being." I let God in as recognizing God as a Spirit or Energy. I named God e=mc2.

This week I read these verses, Luke 4: 14-21. The very first verse is what stuck with me most from our service on Sunday. "The Jesus, filled with the power of the Spirit, returned to Galilee..." And Jesus was handed the scroll of Isaiah. "He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor...recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free." This is when Jesus, with the Power of the SPIRIT began his ministry. Maybe it was a coincidence that we read this scripture, but because of the things I've been believing for the past year and the events that have recently occurred, I don't see it that way. Patrick described the Power of the Spirit as that which gives us courage to move forward, it is what allows us to be.

I equate the Power of the Spirit to be that Hope that we find in positive energy. With my friend who I recently had to step back from, I know that there is a positiveness that surrounds him, that if she hasn't experienced already; will. That positive energy or Power of the Spirit will allow her to find the courage to do what is ultimately right for him. The last verse that I read this week says, (Jesus) rolled up the scroll, sat down and said, "Today this scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing." Jesus in my opinion is the part of the Spirit that brings hope, He brings the message of recovery, the message of healing and of freedom. When Jesus talks about making the blind see, I think it was more metaphorical than actual. There are people in this world who can't see their psychological dependencies, their suffering. The positive energy of God is brought to fruition through Jesus. Through this energy or Spirit, everyone has the ability and opportunity to be free from suffering.

I've worked very hard on becoming happy and from reading my blogs from December, I realize that I am generally free from suffering. However, from the events this month, I recognize that as a human being I am vulnerable to it and can slip into suffering. I understand my sadness to be a very natural feeling and because I realize this, I am able to accept it and begin my recovery. It is up to me ultimately to see that I am in control of my happiness and that if I am happy with me and understand myself, then I can be of service to others. I can bring compassion and healing to those in my life, and on a larger scale to those who I don't even know, like those poor souls in Haiti for example.

We all have the ability to let the positive energy or the Spirit of God empower us to make sense of our lives and move forward. Life is too short for us to wallow in suffering. We must realize that there is nothing to fear and nothing to lose, only everything to gain and to learn.

Live like you were going to Die Tomorrow. Learn like you were going to Live FOREVER!

I like Pink Part Two

I have had a few people tell me that my original pink was burning eyes, so how about this bubblegum pink? Not my favorite kind of pink, but it'll do until I'm out of my funky phase. When will that happen? Probably not any time soon. See, this is me. I am a little bit of an oddball with a big mind. Not saying I'm super duper smart, just that I am not always just seriousness. I like to have fun and I like to do random things, like make my blog pink. SO PRETTY!

Stay tuned for my meanderings of understanding myself probably Tuesday. I have a big day tomorrow. Work, run, and another Buddhism class. I have to see how it all relates and can be connected to Christianity. I am SURE I will have something to say about it. Remind me somebody to write about what I learned in church on Sunday. It was very important. I took notes cuz I'm that big of a nerd!

Goodnight to all who pass this blog. I love my world and the people in it!!! xoxo!

Tossing and turning

Last night I had a pretty hard time sleeping. Not because I was anxious, worried or nervous. I was contemplating my next blog and how I would write about the things that hold us back in life. I think it's basic.

It's FEAR!

Take a risk, take a leap, make your life fully yours! Learn like you were to live forever, live like you were to die tomorrow.

The situations we find ourselves in can be chaotic, they can be confusing. But when we find ourselves in turmoil, we must, we MUST make a change. Whether it's focusing on ourselves and making that change within, or completely stirring up our routines, it MUST be done.

A lot of people that I know who have been through divorce say, "the other person wanted me to change, and I'm not changing for anyone." Sounds selfish, but it's not, because we all change. Our partners just need to realize from the BEGINNING that the person we commit our lives to, is going to change. It's ignorant to think that we will be EXACTLY the same as we were when we were 24, 25, or 31 for that matter! I don't expect to be the same in 20 years, hell, I may even become a Republican! GOD FORBID! If I was still that same girl I was when I was at 26 years old, I may as well just shoot myself now. I am so much more comfortable with who I am, and most importantly, I know I don't have to answer to anyone, but myself. I am ultimately in charge of my happiness. If I eventually share my life with somebody, I want to make sure that whoever it is, can realize that change is good, it is possible, and it cannot be forced. I want that person to accept me for who I am, and accept the change as I go. Being that I accept change in myself, I know that I will be able to accept change in others. I will be able to be supportive and understanding.

Life is FAR too short to leave in fear. We are all afraid of the unknown, but we continue to go to sleep at night feeling pretty secure about the next day. We are willing to live in pain and suffering because we want to cling to something familiar, because we're afraid of what we may lose. I said this the other day to somebody, if we end up with nothing when we make the step towards righting our live,s we then have EVERYTHING to gain.

You only get one chance at this life. We should be willing to admit that we've made mistakes and no matter how terrifying rectifying it may be, we must have the courage to do so.

I like Pink

Can you tell? Hope everyone (yes all four, or should I say five) love it!!!!

To Feel Deeply

Once again I've come to a place where my heart has felt deep sorrow. I had been on such a high since last February, I can even tell you the date. I woke up on Sunday, February 28th 2009 with a sense of completeness. I recognized all the good things in my life and this new direction that I was embarking on. New people came into my life who shared the same interests as me. I was excited and I started living and really enjoying everyday that I was alive. I recognized that life was good and that I was ready to be fully happy. From that point on, I approached every situation with a positive attitude (except when I had mono, that frustrated me pretty good) I believed whole-heartedly, and I still do, that my joy and appreciation of life would affect not just the people in my life, my the world around me.

Every moment I encountered was positive and even the most negative of people could not affect this energy I had taken refuge in. At work, Brenda has asked me repeatedly, "how are you so patient, how do you not get irritated?" My answer has almost always been, "I just tell myself that they have a job to do too. I figure I can get back to my work easily after I complete a simple task." It's like that book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." If you can get through the small stuff, the BIG stuff is easier to deal with.

I don't know how I feel about that statement though. The BIG stuff that has transpired the past few weeks has been incredibly hard to deal with. I've had to do some searching as to why this mess has affected me in the way that it has. I think the reasoning of my Pastor and my Therapist have really shed some light on it.

I'm sensitive.

I identify with other people's feelings. I somehow absorb their emotions and take it into my being. This sensitivity is called empathy. I think many people (my sister Alex is one) can empathize with others by acknowledging and REALLY feeling another's emotions, but most can show sympathy. For some reason my whole being just takes on other's feelings, whether it be happiness or sadness, anger or patience. When I feel the joy in other people, it's so easy to just go with it. What is there to really think about? You're happy! You're enjoying life! But when it comes to sadness and confusion, my mind has a hard time pulling away and saying, "hey, this isn't your battle!"

Being a Christian I want to extend my hand, provide compassion to those in need. I lost a friend due to this. I offered compassion to my best-friend's ex-boyfriend. She could never understand why I did it, but he came to me and I felt I needed to help. It wasn't like I felt this obligation to him, I just felt like I could offer some solace by just listening. Because my best-friend was so angry, I was left with not being able to help. I don't know what ever happened to him because a larger force deemed it unnecessary for me to be there for him. It still plagues me that I DON'T know what happened to him. I pray for him on occasion and that's all I really can do.

And here I am again, wanting to help, but not able to. The pain I feel in this individual has been more overpowering this time. Not being able to help brought this feeling of incompleteness. The past two weeks I felt like a large hole was gnawing at me and all I wanted to do was close it. The tears wouldn't stop, the agony was consuming. If I was feeling this way, I wondered how the person who actually was experiencing the pain and confusion was coping. Which in turn, made me ever MORE upset. But last night, for the first time in my life I meditated and it was better than any dose of Xanax or Clonapin that I have ever been prescribed. I have been able to keep that feeling throughout the day and remain in connection with myself. I have worked so hard on myself and being able to accept myself for who I am, that I cannot let another person's suffering bring me back down to a level where I feel hopeless. I want to offer my help, but I realized last night after the class I attended that sometimes too much compassion can have a reverse affect. I want to facilitate healing, but in reality I must accept the way in which another person wants to heal. As much as I want to help this person understand their suffering, I must allow them to explore it on their own. Whenever this person realizes what brings him/her happiness, I know that I will be happy for them.

My therapist and I discussed today the importance of finding happiness within and that we are ultimately the ones in direct control of it. I believe that and being the way that I am, I will be able to accept the ultimate happiness of this person regardless of what path may be taken. I will always be a friend first and foremost. At this time, the compassion that my friend needs from me is to allow them to understand the suffering within. I am not able to shake somebody and say, BE HAPPY, but I can be patient and accepting. Right now I am just saddened to have lost something that had become dear to me.

This is me... Sorry

I was encouraged this evening to delete the last two blogs that I posted because they were too "deep," too "analytical." Well this is me. I feel deeply, I analyze my world to make better sense of it. I am careful as to who I let see what I write.

I have been told by those that read it that I am insightful or that I have an interesting perspective on the world. My blog attracts those who also want to make sense of the chaotic world that we live in.

So this is me. I don't write my blog to make others happy. This is mine, they are my thoughts. I believe that life is ever changing and my blog allows me to see where I've been and perhaps where I'm going. I don't write it to try to attract people to me. I write this blog for myself and sometimes I have to cry out into the world what is going on. I let the energy of my soul reach the Universe and then I take faith that things will be as they are supposed to be. If I write about you, it is because I learn from you, because you have touched my life. If it ever sounds like I am reaching the "depths" of life, just know that I haven't. I take life seriously. I love it beyond compare. So I get sad on occasion, who doesn't? Understanding my deepest suffering is a way for me to also recognize my deepest joy.

This is me, I don't intend to scare people away from me. If I do, then so be it. The people that cannot handle the deepness of my emotions or the way I embrace life don't need to be apart of it. They can click right on over to the next blog.

This is me, I don't pretend to be somebody that I am not. I take myself for who I am and I present myself to the world as the person that I feel most comfortable being. Sorry if I am not what the world expects me to be, but this is me.

Letting God Contaminate You

It almost seems comical that in the three weeks I have not been to church are the same three weeks that my heart was confronted with confusion. It's so interesting how a simple story aould say it) on God's love, we are one with the Spirit and are able to minister to others. And I realize this is what has happened with me lately. I have to have faith in the Lord that regardless of what happens with this person that I feel so connected to, that things will be better than good. In His way, He will pave a path where the right decisions will be made. His Spirit is in everything, he has connected two hearts in a way that I will never be able to fully comprehend, but by trusting Him I have faith that regardless of the outcome, things will Be Better Than Good. I am reminded of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism:1. Life is suffering, 2. Sufferbout Jesus making wine out of water can remedy the soul. Jesus said to them, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. He said to them, “Now draw some out, and take it to the chief steward.” So they took it. When the steward tasted the water that had become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the steward called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and then the inferior wine after the guests have become drunk. But you have kept the good wine until now.” Jesus took simple jars, probably jars that were tucked away, maybe dusty from storage and took what could have been a disaster and made it better than good. The wine was of the best quality. Stephanie's point was made clear this morning during her sermon, when we are full-up (the way Patrick wing is caused by aversion and craving, 3. Suffering can be overcome and happiness can be attained, & 4. The 8-fold path is the path that leads to the end of suffering. It is a path of morality, being mindful of our actions and thoughts. Developing Wisdom through understanding the four noble truths can we be compassionate towards others and aide in their healing.I am a Christian, and being compassionate towards others is what I can identify with most.I have suffered, I have hurt, and I have been to the depths of existence, wanting to end everything in order to feel at peace. However, the ones who loved me the most held me and loved me and aided me in finding an answer and understanding of my pain. What hurt later was the chastisement I felt from some of my closest friends. They said I was selfish, that I only did what I did to remove the attention from another friend. I didn't do these things intentionally as I have always wanted nothing more than the happiness of the ones I share my existence with. I was cast out by them. Losing the people who you think will be there for you whenever you most need them is an awful experience. Luckily, I was able to see who really cared for me. In a time of suffering, one often feels the need of sympathy and caring. But I went into myself, I searched for what would make me most happy. But instead of focusing deep down and listening to that small voice, I cluttered my life with endless things to do. I went on dates with men to find a man who would make a decent husband. I went back to school to find a career that would lead to a stable "suburban" lifestyle. However, the bottom fell out and my life was in shambles again. And that's when I realized, I could fill every minute of my life with things to do to occupy my mind, but what I really wanted was to understand my mind. I wanted to make that connection with my feelings and my world. I took those first steps towards healing. I began to live my life with purpose, not a purpose of goals and achievements that I felt I needed to make, but with the purpose of connecting. I sought refuge with God. I became full up on His love. Then there comes that time when you are able to realize your happiness and begin wanting to share it with others. In church I feel the presence of the Spirit and I want to share the energy of Compassion with others. I want life for others to be "Better Than Good." In Buddhism, compassion and understanding is what should be achieved. Compassion includes qualities of sharing, readiness to give comfort, sympathy, concern, caring. An attempt to truly understand others, by fully understanding ourselves, through wisdom.I wanted to share my compassion with my friend, but he practices Buddhism and I believe he really wants to understand his life by acknowledging his suffering. Buddhism teaches that the solutions to our problems are within ourselves, not outside. I need to give him his time to understand his suffering. As much as I would like to pour out my sympathy and concern for him, I am hindered by what I would consider his deep belief in the Noble Truths. I want to offer my hand to him, in contrast to the way I did not receive when I was trying to understand my suffering. I believe he knows that I am here and that I am trying to understand his need. My suffering then is minor in this matter. I have found a connection with this person far greater than I ever have with any other person. My cries last night resonate deeper as now I realize they were for him as much as they were for me. The Lord brought relief to my heart and a clear head as to how I should approach my friend. I cannot help in the way I want and it DOES bring sorrow to my heart. I must therefore remember that I am the one who became in control of my happiness, and I should not deny him that same opportunity. What I can do is pray that the Spirit of the Lord or however he acknowledges that energy encompass him in his quest for understanding and then when he emerges, that he is able to confront his decisions with a clear head. I hope that things will eventually be Better Than Good for him.

Sleepless in Kansas City

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily..." Henry David Thoreau Walden

Earlier this evening I cried to out to my God to help me sustain the strength that I need to endure the pain that has plagued my heart. I got on my knees and begged him for it. I cried out in desperation because I have thus far lived my life on purpose and have tried hard to follow His path. I used the words that Jesus cried out while on the cross, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" I cried out, "the bottom has fallen out of my life, hear my prayer oh Lord, hear my cry for help!" I have never known God to act so quickly, but tonight he did for me and I feel that he has put me back on the right path. The hole that has wounded my heart for the past week has begun to heal and for this I give eternal thanks.

Why is my turnaround so quick? How can I take such refuge in the Lord so quickly and begin to heal like this? My therapist often is amazed about my healing as well. And tonight, I think my Pastor said it well, "You know that Stephanie and I always tell you that you have a sensitivity to the Spirit." And I believe it now more than ever after he explained to me how the person who has been brought into my life by the Lord has brought me even closer to God. I often say, I want to live my life on purpose and the first time I sat in the presence of my friend, I found what Patrick called, the ministry of God's word. I remember distinctly talking about how God is in everything, He is an energy source that has given life, and to deny that energy as a source of life is the denial of life itself. Now that I think of it, my heart was filled with the Spirit that evening and I became alive because this person was so open to hear it. Even if his fundamentals of belief are different than mine, I believe that we were indeed in ministry that evening. I think we awoke a fire within ourselves that evening, and the acceptance of that light has brought upon us both hesitation and confusion. The teachings of Thich Naht Hahn in "Living Buddha, Living Christ" are to understand each other's religions, and that night, that connection was made. Jesus' most simple message was to love one another, and my belief in that teaching was made even stronger that evening.

Patrick gave me options to chose from. "Sometimes when we are living in harmony with God, evil sneaks in to mix us up." Perhaps evil did sneak in the day before Christmas Eve to make my heart question itself. "Or maybe the Spirit was telling you something deep down to act on." He asked, "what is this voice deep down telling you? To run away with this man? Or to turn him away completely?" Patrick said to never say never and to keep the door open a crack. I trust Patrick because he is a normal sinning human being who has had to confront misfortunes in his life and make decisions that may have gone against his beliefs. He reminded me that he and his wife both come from previous relationships in which children were brought into the world. Both he and his wife had to look deep within themselves to hear God's voice as to what to do. The bible is clear when it comes to divorce, but we are human beings and therefore sinful and I believe that God realizes that we sometimes have to end relationships to be better stewards of Him. I don't think God wants unhappiness in our lives and He has given us this life to live deliberately. Sometimes we regret the things we do in life. We all make mistakes, but we must learn from them.

I said earlier that my therapist is often amazed at my willingness and desire to heal. I tell her so many times, I am just tired of hurting, I want to be happy. Not many people can make decisions quickly about the direction their lives should go. When I wanted to meet my biological father, I told my friends about it, and they told me to get the advice and approval from my therapist. I live on purpose and when I decide something I act on it. I listened to the voice within me that said this is the right thing to do. I told my therapist later about what I had done and what my friends had said, and she was astonished at my decisiveness to act so deliberately to facilitate my healing. She told me to make the decisions that felt right and I do. I do what Patrick tells me to do, listen to that voice deep down, and listen to what it tells you.

So what does my voice tell me? As sinful as it is, it says, run into the woods with him and live life deliberately, because when I die, I don't want to discover that I had not lived.

For now though I wait. And if my waiting is in vain, I at least know I listened to that voice deep within. And I will always do it because life is too precious a gift to be held back from.

Whenever the night sky is clear, with out fail, his star is there.

Over a year ago I began saying, "Starlight, star bright, may I have this wish tonight?" Over the course of time, that wish became a prayer. And whenever "his" star was there, I wished for his well being. I wished for his health, I wished for any healing he may have needed in his life. On some nights I prayed with all my heart that he would be able to understand me and allow me back into his life.

A year or more later, for one night, he let me back in. Was it worth it? Yes. Had my prayers been answered... definitely. Did I still have hope for us? Hope for a friendship, yes.

That evening he slept with his arms around me. Our lips never touched, but the comfort of his arms reassured me. Reassured me of what? That the break was worth it? That a year and a half had passed that could have been worthwhile? Neither really. Our break was made in response to my behavior that related to my depression. When he made the break, I said, "but you don't stay friends with the girls you date." He told me, this is different, "you make me want to be a better person." Hearing these words are not exactly the same as hearing Jack Nicholson make them to Helen Hunt in "As Good As it Gets." My immediate thought was, "if this is how you feel, why don't you want to be with me?"

I saw him in the last few weeks and I believe that those words were a mere attempt to just make me happy. In the past few weeks, when I see his star, I make a quick prayer. I want him to be healthy, I want him to be the better person that he thinks he needs to be. I don't know if I should continue to ask, but I feel like I've made a commitment to him regardless if he wants me in his life or not. I cannot help but care about the people who come into my life, I certainly cannot help but care about the people who have come especially close to my heart.

This man is a good man. I will continue to pray for him regardless if he wants it or not. Life is full of hope, and I pray for the hope that his life will be a good one. I love him in a way that I cannot describe, not in the way that I feel like I need to spend the rest of my life with him, but more like in the way that I will always hold him close to my heart. A good person deserves a good life. He may have said that I made him want to be a better person. What I don't think he realizes is that he is.

I know I have to Grow Up.

So much happened this Christmas as far as conversations go. But one statement made by my sister concerned me the most. My little sister (not the eleven year old) was so focused on having to make the decision to grow up. "I know I have to grow up, I just don't want to yet." This was a constant theme and I feel obliged to address it the best way I know how.

I don't understand the obsession in this culture or others, the REQUIREMENT to grow up. I think growing up is a gradual progression, one that cannot be forced. In this country and in Ecuador, where my family has it's other roots, we don't have rites of passages to grow up like they do in many other cultures. We have the opportunity to discover where our lives take us. We can experience so much and then grow into compassionate and wiser adults. We don't have to jump into a career, we can discover our passions and let them direct our paths.

Many people may think that I'm the misguided one as I AM 31 years old and I am not necessarily dedicated to one career path, or that I'm not married or that I don't have children. I haven't led a reckless life of drugs, or alcohol or partying, I just have taken my time to find out what I want. When I was eighteen years old, I wanted to be a teacher. At nineteen, an actress. I discovered a camera when I was twenty. For the past 11 years that camera has allowed me to find myself, and what I find is that I will forever be finding myself. I am confident of the person that I am, but I am also confident that I will always be changing and developing into a new person. I'm not afraid of those changes, I embrace whatever comes my way because it will only allow me to continue to find within myself that which I wasn't aware existed before.

I have drifted in and out of part-time jobs, but I have continually discovered what I want out of life, and what I want consistently changes. That makes me sound indecisive, but I will add that I have maintained the same job for the past four years and within that job I have been able to continually grow and adapt my work to how I change as a person. As people, we change as life happens and I think I've been considerably open to where my path takes me. Of course I've had some set backs and unfortunate roadblocks, but I haven't been too deterred from accomplishing what I want out of life. I also believe that for as long as I live, there will always be new things that I want to accomplish. Life shouldn't stagnate because we have gained a college education, , or a secure career; or because we got married, or had children. It should always be a work in progress.

Growing up isn't a decision we just randomly make because it seems like the appropriate time to do it. It just happens. I'm 31. I don't consider myself a grown up and I don't think that I ever will because I understand that learning is a constant. Gaining experience is a constant. I'm going to always strive for my goals, but at the same time I'm not going to let a milestone in my life, like graduating from college, dictate my path.

I know I've posted Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken before, but I post it again as a reminder to myself and to those that may feel that the risks are too high to take on the adventure of life.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. 15 I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

Alicia, I encourage you to do what your heart tells you to do. I believe that your life has many adventures ahead, and if career is the adventure you take, then perhaps, that is your road less traveled. I love you.