Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n Roll

Alright, so the title is to just get you to read my blog. I love that you can see the stats on your blog now. The other day I titled one of my entries, "Masturbation and other stuff," and my blog got more hits than it ever has. I guess most people don't want to read blogs about religion or the understanding of psychosis. It is awfully telling in that way, how even as advanced as we are as a society, people would much rather read about a girl masturbating than about a girl figuring out the intricacies of how her brain functions.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, but I keep experiencing overwhelming happiness in my life and the people in it that I get a little wrapped up in the pure pleasure of just enjoying it. I often find that I can really let loose when all sad things happen in my life, but I don't just sit back and admire the great qualities of joy.

The other day I sent an e-mail to my friend Christi and told her that I felt that God had saved my life by having me fired from Hy-Vee. I really think He saw all the effort and dedication I was putting into my work, but that was slowly making me ill. I seriously had a bottle of Tums in my drawer because of the heartburn I had every day. One of my co-workers suggested it might be because I like coffee so much. Yeah, coffee causes heartburn, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say now that it was the stress of the job. I still drink coffee and the other night was the first time I reached for some Tums, and only because I had too much fudge after church! It was so good though.

Speaking of church: working for it may not pay well and I don't have a lot of hours, but it is so rewarding. I love all the people that I work with and those who come to me for advice or for their needs. I really think my calling in this life is to serve others. I love being able to make other people's projects successful. I, of course set goals for myself, but I think one of my goals is to help others reach theirs. Maybe I should have been a teacher. Who knows? But I love my job and I love doing my photography. Things are a little slow right now, but I do believe that I am in the right area to pursue my career or my "hobby-career."

Along with work, I also have the great pleasure of assisting my grandparents. I really love helping them and I feel it is what I should do as they have played such a significant and positive role in my life. I don't know what life would be like if I would not have had my grandfather when I was a child. He is the most amazing man in the world; his capacity for loving is a bottomless abyss! Seriously, his eyes light up when he talks about his family. He cares so much for every single person that has descended from him and my grandmother. It is remarkable that at 86 years of age, he can still have so much patience for living and joy for this life. He hasn't become angry with the many obstacles and tragedies life has given him. He may be a little slower and confused, but still has a reason for living.  I should really just dedicate an entire blog to him. He really is, as I mentioned before, the most amazing, not interesting, but definitely amazing man in the world. Maybe a little too practical for his own good sometimes though!!! I love him so much. Being with him and my grandmother as they grow older has given me reason to not take life for granted. I am blessed and grateful that I can be of service to them.

And for new friends. I couldn't be happier about the people I have been spending some time with lately. I had been hermitting myself away for a long while and it has been good to get out into the community and meet new people. Everyone I've met has had some of the best energy I have felt in a long while. New ideas, new thoughts, new everything. I'm grateful for this and I'm grateful that I have been willing to get myself out more. No more hiding away, I need to be with people every once in a while.  Aloneness is good and I know that I can be comfortable in mine, but I need to be comfortable among my fellow humans too!

I think the word that best describes me and my state is bliss. I am blissful, enjoying life, taking pleasure in my everyday doings and finding joy in everything and everybody.

I guess that's my kind of sex, drugs and rock 'n roll.

Julie Christine

Dearest Julie,

Today I embark on a project that I dedicate to you. I asked your girls for consent, but you are my mother's sister, my grandmother's daughter, my aunt, my godmother... so I embark regardless. I think about you everyday and think of how God gets you all to himself these days. We all know that you are watching out for us, making our lives a little more bearable. We miss you so much, but know you are free now from the pain the last years of your life must have brought you. Through your dedication to life, we lives ours fully.

Fly with the Angels Julie, we love you forever!

Your niece... Angela Christine xoxo

Masturbation and other stuff

I went to a Dear Diary session tonight that a friend of mine invited me to. I went alone as I do most things and it was a really nice gathering. However, it left me a bit depressed because it really did confirm that I had a much different experience as a teenager.


The last reading I heard was from a girl who had written about "boinging" herself at about age 12 or 13. Maybe that's a bit young, but then again maybe not. I remember the summer I was to turn 16, I spent the majority of it in Kansas City with my cousin Beth.  She was beyond boy crazy and I... was not. Uncle Bernie had installed AOL on his computer and we soon became addicted to chat rooms and Instant Messages. This was probably the first time I'd ever seen people my age (Beth was actually probably 12 or 13) talking in sexual language to each other. Beth talked about making out and the most I had done with a boy was kiss him on the cheek during a football game the year before. Actually, that's not true. The summer I turned 15, I spent in Ecuador and one evening I made out with a boy by the name of Mauricio. After the encounter, I was depressed for months for my actions. I felt that I had done something completely wrong. In retrospect, I'm guessing I felt depressed about it because I didn't like him and basically felt that I had to make out with him.  I was not attracted to any boys at 14, and therefore nowhere near sexually attracted to them.  I never would have thought about looking at the poster of Jonathan Brandis that hung over my bed and "boinging" myself. I did things because I knew that they were things that other girls did. By all accounts, I was normal.


Obviously I wasn't. I wouldn't be writing about this unless I was.


My mother was my protector. Most girls were having arguments with their mothers and were constantly at odd with their parents in general. I never felt that way.  I don't think I could have survived my teenage years without my mother being around. I was afraid of everything. Every now and then I broke out of my shell and showed my braveness, but most of the time, I was Mommy's little girl.


I have known from a young age that my mother had me when she was a week away from being 18. Sex, therefore has always scared the hell out of me. I think my distrust in men (especially after having been abused by two much older men when I was about 10-11) has kept me from really enjoying their company or being sexual with them.  I'm not going to go into my "Daddy issues," because obviously the majority of the "father" types in my life have let me down and is something I work on constantly with my therapist...blah blah blah." Back to the sex part, I have always been uncomfortable with sex with men. I am not attracted to women, so I know it's not a sexual identity thing. I never boinged myself until I was almost 19 years old. I was so terrified by the feeling that I didn't do it again until I was probably 25/26.  I didn't know what that feeling was (an orgasm). I felt dirty and I felt that it would lead me being a slut and getting it on with guys.


I met Kent the year I turned 20. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. He was 22 and I was bound and determined that he would be mine. I had sex with him the summer we dated and never once saw his penis. Needless to say I didn't enjoy it. I didn't have sex with anyone until the next summer (or maybe even two years after that). I just wasn't interested and the fact that I always thought I was pregnant drove me crazy (I was on the pill AND he always wore condoms). And I will say, I only had sex with Kent because, well, that's what you're supposed to do when you go to college. All my girlfriends from HS were doing it, so I figured I should too right?


The first guy I had sex with that I really wanted to was Graham. He was the first guy I ever had an orgasm with, okay I had an orgasm twice with him in the 9 months we dated, and the 6 months that we were having sex. I was in LOVE with this man. It was the first time I actually felt sexual enough to be with someone. However, I was 25 years old and I think all my repressed hormones came flooding into my brain along with the Depo Provera. which repressed the hormones that were trying to release. I thought Depo would be phenomenal for my phobia of becoming pregnant. I lost my mind in November of 2005. I really don't think my brain could deal with the overwhelming desires I had, or handle those feelings of wanting that I had buried or neglected to be aware of when I was younger. Depo + unreleased hormones = BAD combination! I went into a deep depression which has taken me several years to overcome. I'm still working on it and I must say that I have a deeper understanding of myself now then I did when I was 26 and breaking up with Graham.


I am 32 now, I take anti-depressants that repress my libido. I have had orgasms since, but very small ones. I feel like I deserve to enjoy sex. A lot of women talk about their awesome sex in thirties, and well, I want that too!


What was I doing when I was 13 years old? I was playing Barbies with Vanessa. At 14, I would stand in the garage at our house in Michigan and cry because I didn't have the nerve to talk to the kids in my neighborhood. At 18, I moved to KC... because that's what you do, you listen to your parents. It's been a long road of getting to know myself. After tonight I realized, I did mature later than most people. And there is no one to blame for my late development, only the circumstances of life was able to dictate what has happened. At least I'm aware now and can only move forward. My brain thought like that of a child during my teenage years, like a teenager in my twenties, and I think I'm finally almost caught up to my actual age. Thank God for giving me the chance to experience devastating heartbreak when I was 26 to help me realize that something in my brain had to be released.

I sermonized...

I did my first sermon on Sunday night and this is a taste of what I talked about. Okay, it's actually the whole thing written out.  And yes, I talk a bit about quantum mechanics, buddhism, string theory. You name it, I talked about it. But I didn't go into HUGE details as I had to tailor what I was saying to an audience who may or may not be familiar with some of this stuff. So, here it is! Enjoy!

Two months ago I was visiting my mother in Florida. One evening, as I was putting away my photo equipment and getting ready to make a trek to Orlando to see Mickey Mouse, I received this text message: "November 21^st, you’re preaching." Um… okay. Then I got the second text after I’d asked what I was supposed to preach about, “it’s between and God.” My reply to my church's Senior Pastor was: So, you’re going to mediate between the two of us right? No response… Two hours later, I grabbed my cell-phone, and still no response. At that point I knew that it was definitely going to be between me and the Big Guy. But like with every else I do, I shelved it, so I could deal with it later. I mean, it was the end of September, I had plenty of time.

So about mid October, I started looking at the lectionary. The lectionary is this book, kind of like a workbook that gives you guidelines and recommended scripture to preach about. And what do I read? This scripture! Boy! Talk about a BIG topic. Christ our King is dying on the cross, between two criminals. Seriously? I’m supposed to hash out some meaning from this VERY meaningful moment, this moment that pretty much defines Christianity? So, I was like, I have to do something else, so I asked our Associate Pastor Joe for some kind of scripture that would speak to me. He gave me great scriptures! No offense for not using them. And then I went to our Senior Pastor, and was like, Luke isn’t speaking to me, I’m just not feeling it. He then gave me the best advice ever, “sometimes you have to question why it doesn’t speak to you.” Of course, obviously! He went on and on about something as he generally does, but I knew where I was going to go with this scripture.

I like to refer to myself as a Historian (technically, I’m one paper away from that title) The one thing we as Historians always have to do is look at context, context, context! Professor Louis Potts was my favorite instructor at UMKC and he always begged us to ask just one more time, why? Why did things happen in a certain way to make history take a turn for the good or in many cases, the bad.

There are a lot of questions to ask about this man who we call our King, who will lead us to the Kingdom of God or Heaven. I don’t know about the rest of you, but as Americans, we’re not really all that accepting of Kings. In 1789, the French common people stormed the Bastille, released political prisoners, and then ultimately ended up cutting off their King’s head and anyone who was in support of this really “corrupt” monarchy. We’re very anti-monarchy, anti-king in our society.  But here’s the oxymoron of the situation. We look at Christ, he’s dying on a cross, among criminals… and we think, what King is this? We want a powerful King, especially if he is supposed to rule alongside God.

And I think this is where a lot of us get a little mixed up and where a lot of us have our faith waver. Why, if God is SO powerful, does he not SAVE his only SON. Not only has his son been condemned to death, but he has been condemned to a very public and humiliating death. Why would God do this? Why would God let somebody, who is so good, who has been His steward, HIS OWN SON die like this? Why does it seem that the bad people always get off? This is a question that many of us ask when our loved ones die. It is one of the questions we ask, and when we don’t understand, our faith can be destroyed.

I’m one of those people, the majority of my friends are those people whose faith has wavered. Our society has told us to question everything, and I honestly don't believe it's such a bad thing to question our lives.  I think as humans, we have this innate sense to look for truth in our world. When we question God in this manner many of us start to lose that faith as God as Omnipotent, or that the world came into creation randomly. I’ve taken philosophy, I’ve learned how to question things in a scholarly manner.  When I first fell away from God was when the whole thing just wasn’t making sense. Obviously, the old testament has stories that were familiar to the ancient Samarians. The Epic of Gilgamesh tells many of the same creation stories… so our book isn't original, we appear to be copycats. Thousands of years later at the council of Nicaea in 325, Bishops got together with Emperor Constantine to decide on the divinity of Jesus… and they came up with our current understanding of the Trinity!  MAN decided on the Trinity??? I had read the history books before when I was younger, but I had never really questioned anything. So here I was, a Christian at 24 years old, and I had lost my faith. It appeared to me that MAN had created God to satisfy his qualms with society.  I was really afraid that everything that my grandparents and parents had told me, was some big lie… that we were all being fooled. So, I lost my faith.

However, I kept the back door open and told myself, if God wants me to believe, he’ll find a way to bring me back. I kept coming to church, looking for truth. I also looked for truth in Hinduism, Quantum Mechanics, Buddhism, and Islam. Islam made me look at God differently and placed Isa (Jesus) as a very important prophet. Based on all my readings, I could get behind the Prophet Jesus before I could accept him as the Son of God. 

But in all honesty, it was Buddhism and Quantum Mechanics that really tested my faith and made me see that reality isn’t always what it seems. Buddhism taught me that everything is connected. I am connected to all of you in this room in some way or another. Our lives influence one another. It taught me that even though this pew right here is inanimate, it was once alive, it has brought a place for us to rest. And ultimately, there is another human being or human beings that brought this bench into fruition. To me it is overwhelmingly awe inspiring that, through this one pew, so many souls are connected. And then Quantum Physics. In it's most basic definition, QP is the study of alternate realities that we exist in at the same time, but on different planes. I’m not going to go into the mathematical part of it, but instead focus on how string theory brought me back into God’s movement. Like with Buddhism, we are all connected, but through invisible strings. We’re connected to everything, the earth, the planets, the stars, the Big Bang. 

I like to tell people that question my belief in God, that he or she has a scientific name, e=mc2!  I always get the same argument from them, "so God is energy?" Me: "YES! Very much so!" The contestor: "But energy is mathematically definable, God cannot be defined that way. So you’re saying that God basically lit a match and caused this Big Bang to happen?" I always have to clarify, God is omnipotent, I’m not about to explain how it happened. The Big Bang is still considered a “theory” and it is widely accepted by scientists as being a manifestation of energy. And if you ask me, that energy is the most omnipotent power that has ever been unleashed. And through all my studying, and reasoning and rationalizing, there is only one truth that has emerged: God is energy. He is as real as the energy I create when I clap my hands, or snap my fingers, or stomp my feet. 

Everything in our world has been set in motion and it is God who did this. 

I remember the day I let God back into my life. I was in Fort Lauderdale at my Dad's apartment trying to sleep on a pull out sofa bed.  Finally after tossing and turning for several hours, I turned on the tv. Luckily, PBS was airing a repeat of a documentary titled, "Einstein's Big Idea," at 3am. I felt those invisible strings that String theory talks about, and felt my ultimate connection to the universe and God. I knew from that moment on, that everything was put into motion, and that I was part of something much larger than just random cosmology. 

And here, today Joe read to you that Christ has fallen among criminals. The leaders are chiding him to save himself, but the criminal to his right, asks Jesus to remember him. Jesus says to him that today he will be in paradise with him. While the crowd questions his claim as the Messiah, he dies among mere humans. This isn’t the man that we would generally look to, to be our King… We want somebody strong, somebody who can save himself… instead we get a Leader who dies in one of the most shameful ways. How can He deliver us into Paradise?

I recently took a Saturday class at the Seminary about the parables and the focus was to put them into historical context. As a historian, this was fantastic for me.  Most of the time, when we read the parables in church, we look at them and how they relate to our lives and how we can apply them in our daily activities when we are in relationship with others.  I love how Luke writes about Jesus’ teachings. Jesus will begin his parable, The kingdom of God is like this, or is it as that.  This kind of interpretation is important to make sense of our lives, but it is also important to remember the time in which these stories were told. 

We’ve learned in church since childhood, that our treasure of not of this life, but in the kingdom of God. So, we’re always striving to be good in this life so Jesus will remember us and allow us into paradise. However, what we forget is this, this Kingdom is not something we will encounter in the future, it is something that we live right now. Patrick, this morning called it "the movement of God."  And it is exactly that, it is includes all people into God’s world, a just world, a world that can be on earth as it is in heaven. Last night I watched a documentary on the History channel about the Ten Commandments. Most of know, that on Mt. Sinai, Moses was given over 600 laws for the Israelites, and we know this even more if we’ve read the book of Leviticus. We look at those laws and are like, those are ridiculous, how can we apply these to our lives now? 

We often forget that the Jews during the time of Jesus were asking themselves the same questions. It is through the parables that Jesus turns the law on its head. Through his teachings, he lets us in on a little secret, it’s through our relationship with one another and through Him that we become part of this movement.

It’s like in string theory, there is this invisible line that connects us to one another and any tension placed on it brings us closer together. That’s what Jesus has done, he came into this world by God’s word, and created that tension. He allowed us to question God’s omnipotence. Why would God allow his son to die in humiliation upon a cross between two criminals? And the answer is truly simple: God sent his son, his spirit onto the earth to witness the human condition first hand. He feels our pain when we suffer because he knows, he has been on that cross. Our heaven, as I understand it, is of this earth, and our earth is part of heaven. It is through Jesus, our King, that we are one with God and He is one with us.

Bandanas BBQ=Vegetarian Friendly!

Being a vegetarian and having meat eater friends who created a blog to review Barbeque restaurants in the Kansas City Metro area would make one think that one friend would be left out in the dining experience. As a former meat-eater, as many of us vegetarians are, our mouths still water when we smell our former favorite meats being cooked. For me, anytime I drive by a Gates BBQ, I remember the days of Burnt Ends on Bun, or when I was trying to be health conscience, Turkey on Bun.  These days, if I go to Gates, I'm relegated to eating ONLY french fries. If I liked cole slaw I would eat that. Generally, if I go to Gates, I end up dipping bread and fries into the Sweet n Tangy sauce.


Today I looked up Bandana's website and this is what I was confronted with, "Bandana's is a barbeque restaurant, that is what we are all about, and consistency is the key.  You will not find hamburgers, fish or pasta entrees on our menu.  What you will find is the best Southern Style smoked barbeque pork, beef, chicken, ribs, turkey and sausage you have ever tasted." 


Gasp! One of my favorite BBQ restaurants in KC is Jackstack because they have salmon. Fish is about the only meat I eat these days and if barbeque is the destination, I pray and hope for at least salmon. 


Luckily, I went blindly into Bandana's last night with my friends, otherwise I would have missed out on their vegetarian options. However, all those options are found on the Sides Menu. And here is what you can eat:


1. Hot Boiled Peanuts: I remember driving from Boca Raton, Florida to Alabama for my great-uncle's 90th birthday 5 years ago. Upon entering Georgia and Alabama there were signs all along the back roads for Boiled Peanuts. It just didn't seem right, but after last night, it is definitely RIGHT!  You would never expect peanuts boiled to softness in salt water would taste so good. We ordered only one bowl to divide between seven adults, I could have eaten that by myself, but there was much more on the menu to choose from.
2. Fried Corn on the Cob: didn't eat it, but it sounds good. I like to fry frozen corn when I make Tacos, so I'm sure this probably tastes similar. However, I think a deep fryer may be involved in this process.
3. Coleslaw, Potato Salad, Fries... no need for explanation. I'm not a fan really of any of those sides.
4. Baked Potato: a potato with cheese and sour cream is meal enough. I had this and added the Barbeque sauce and I was SA-TIS-FIED! 
5. And now for my favorite: Fried Okra. Of all southern foods, I love Okra most of all. They make the perfect dipper and yes, I tried EVERY barbeque sauce with that okra. Not only did I eat mine, but I finished up John's as well. 
6. There are other items on the sides menu, but they all contain meat... so I didn't try any of those.


But the star of the show of any barbeque restaurant is the BBQ sauce. Bandanas for the most part boasts their dry-rub meats that are smoked for 14 hours. The meat comes out without any sauce on them, but each table has four to choose from: Sweet and Smoky, Chicago style, Kansas City style and Spicy. 


Most everyone enjoyed the Spicy the most, but I thought it was kind of bland with the typical mustard base flavor. And it wasn't really spicy either. Chicago and Kansas City lacked any real oomph (oh my goodness, my mac says that's actually a word). When it comes to food, I enjoy things that are highly flavorful. That's why my favorite foods are generally ethnic, especially Indian, Ethiopian and Vietnamese. The undertones in certain foods also capture my attention, the only way I can describe it, is "musky." I like foods that kind of have an aged taste. So, my favorite was by far the sweet and smoky. First of all there is the punch of the sweet followed by the undertone of the smoke.  For me it was BBQ perfection. I like it when food, or in this case sauce, can keep my palette dancin'! 


Luckily I didn't have to deal with tough meat or fatty pieces and enjoyed my visit to Bandana's immensely. I also think the company of my friends made my evening one of the best I've had in a long time. So for the vegetarians in the world who enjoy Barbeque as much as I do, I recommend this restaurant. You don't have to feel awkward in a sea of meat-eaters. You can enjoy it just as much and probably more. You don't walk away with that heavy feeling that often accompanies devouring animal flesh!


Bon apetit mes amis! I can't wait to eat some more BBQ.


Oh my goodness, I almost forgot to mention the hot donut holes served fresh from the fryer. Deep fried goodness sprinkled with powdered sugar to complete the meal. I ran out of the place so as to not eat more!

This is the town of Halloween!

"This is Halloween! This is Halloween"



One of the dates I look forward to the most every year is Halloween. As a general rule, I look forward to any occasion where I get to go outside my normal everyday life and dress up as somebody or something different. Dressing up to me is allowing myself the opportunity to break outside of the daily routine of life. Structure works best for me, but having that day, that moment to do something completely different is an occasion I look forward to all year and don't take lightly.

Recently I was hired by the church I am a member of, as the new secretary. Let it be known right here that I am not a fan of that title, so I changed it to Office Coordinator. However, I'm thinking that I should have just kept the title of the 5 hour per week job I had before as as Communications Coordinator. Technically, I keep everybody informed of what's going on. My main job duty is to assist the Pastor, but I think it is so much more. Besides, our Pastor is loopy when he's not preaching and is beyond any help I can give him!!! (I'm hoping he reads this)  So as part of my job as Connections Coordinator, I organized a BIG Halloween Party in the church basement and a Trunk or Treat.  Luckily it was a huge success! At least 200+ kids! I'm not trying to brag because had I done a better job, I could have persuaded more of our church members to decorate their trunks and come out to give goodies to the kids. Because of the success though, I have had several members tell me how next year, they think more people will show up owing to how big it was this year. And it's not like I did anything really spectacular, I just put out these two HUGE signs that said Trunk or Treat, Friday 6:30-8... seriously, that's it!

Halloween is a fun festivity, but now that I work for the church, I am seeing that many Christians are very much against it. I received several e-mail forwards from unsolicited crazies (random mail comes in all the time) referencing Halloween as being a "Celebration of Evil." We are teaching children to partake in the occult and to worship Satan because of it's pagan origin!  Seriously? Are these people nuts?  I didn't see any witchcraft or animal sacrifices at church Friday night, nor on Halloween night itself.  Halloween, like many Christian holidays has its' roots in ancient Pagan practices.  Mistletoe does too, just fyi, but we seem to love to put those things out at Christmas time. Come Christmas, I'll have some things to say about it too.

I'm going to give a brief, and very brief summary of how we came to celebrate Halloween. If you REALLY want to see it, follow the Pagan link or the Fundie link.

Okay, so we have the Roman Catholic missionaries going into the Celtic lands where they worshipped false Gods. I am a Christian, but not a hard-core fundamentalist that is going to tell you that every word in the Bible is word for word truth. But as a Christian, I can tell you one thing, like most ancient societies, and even modern society, there is something all humanity is looking for; truth.  The Celts saw the turning of the weather in late October as a time when things were dying, or a time when death was near at hand and was influencing their way of life.  This death killed crops and brought illness that would often lead to death. This time of year as we all know, those of us living in more northern regions, is gloomy, rainy and cold; and we have to harvest and preserve our bounty for the long winter months to maintain our survival. Logically then, the Celts had much to fear. During the festival of Samhain, the Druid priests would offer animal, fruit, vegetable sacrifices to the god. The wearing of masks and the performing of spells and incantations were meant to keep the spirits of the dead at bay.  Humanity is always looking for answers and to the Celts, this was their answer.

With the introduction of Christianity, the missionaries had to find a way to make the transition easier. The reason we celebrate Christmas when we do is owed in large part to festivals honoring the re-birth of the Sun-God. It's no coincidence that one of the most important Christian holidays falls just after the winter solstice.

So for the Celts, All Saints Day was created. In the church, All Saints Day is a day when all those who have died are honored. Our belief in Christianity is that when we die, we become Saints. Not all Saints are commemorated with a special day like St. John (the Baptist) or St. (Mother) Teresa, so this is the day that we dedicate to all of them.  Halloween comes from "All Hallows Eve," Hallow meaning to Sanctify.  It makes perfect sense to place All Saints Day on November 1st.  October 31st, to the Celts, was the day when they recognized that death was an inevitable part of life. Their attempt to keep it away during the winter months was in their way, a way to understanding their world. And death is a truth that we as humans all have to live with.

On Sunday, Patrick said something interesting right before his sermon, "Halloween is a day when we mock death." I don't know if I'd use the word mock, but I would definitely say it's a day when we are highly aware of what death is and what it means.  In Christianity, it is the passing from our earthly lives into that of our Lord and Savior. Death in truth is sad, it can be torturous, it can seem like our lives will never be the same.  But death happens and it is Halloween and All Saints Day that remind us of what death really is.  It is when we get to sit at the Heavenly banquet with those who have gone before us.

Acknowledging the past is always crucial, but having it burden your life is futile. So, Halloween's Celtic past is not what Christians would deem truth, but it is a reminder of a time when humanity was searching for a truth. A truth that would eventually be delivered.  I think remembering that the missionaries came up with a way to transition these old religions into a new one is better than how it was done in the Inquisition.  I'm sure there were many Celts who met their demise in a more sinister way than through the transition introduced by the missionaries. It must be said that creating a day to celebrate our loved ones who have died, is more humane. And it is ultimately more in tune with what Jesus said about loving your neighbor as you would love yourself. When you love those, even those who think differently than you or who have different religious views and customs, you are ultimately showing your love towards Jesus.

So, I say celebrate Halloween! Dress up, get candy, be something you never thought you could be.  Remember it's history entrenched in Paganism, but most importantly, remember how the word of the Lord could be shared, and how it still can be.

Dante's Inferno

Whew! I'm in Purgatory, at least I can change my ways and make it to heaven!

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Religion is Messed Up...

Who decided what books were included in the Bible? Rich kings and the people with money. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up, but it is a vague answer and one that is usually argued by persons at odds with religion. By persons who haven't had a positive experience in discovering our Lord through local congregations and churches.  It's true, religion becomes messed up when it is becomes institutionalized. But what is church? That's something that I myself have often wondered. It was the forgoing reason why I went through a time when I denounced God. The concept of an All Powerful, an All Mighty Creator was preposterous to me. It didn't make sense, especially after studying the corruption that played a significant role in the development of the Christian tradition.

The first attempt at creating an institutionalized Christian faith came during the reign of Constantine at the Council of Nicaea in 325 A.D.  Bishops from various Christian orders met to, (not limited to though) set the Christian date of Easter, determine the divinity of Christ and how he relates to God (the Triune God) and to set canonical law. Canonical law includes the determination of what books were incorporated into the Christian Bible (aka the New Testament). So when looked at this way, of course, rich men were involved in determining the direction of Christianity.  And it's no secret that Constantine had persons put to death who did not adopt the Nicaean Creed. So, in a nutshell and based on consequent controversies within the institutionalized church, RICH MEN did indeed determine what would be in the bible and how the church would progress through time.

Keep in mind, this is a very, very, very brief outline of how these books were included. If I was a Historian with more scholarly background, then I would divulge a little more. I have more opinions in this matter, and from spending about four years of my life denying the existence of God and studying the texts and background of Christianity along with other religions, I think I have formulated those opinions pretty solidly.  Religion is a difficult subject to approach and therefore I believe my studies will continue as I continue to grow in my faith and in my life.  I will continually ask questions because as a human being, who has been given free-will, I believe God has given me that choice.

Yesterday, Joe had me read Luke 17:11-19.  The story goes a little like this: Jesus was approaching Galilee from Samaria. On the road he was met by ten lepers. When the lepers realized it was Jesus, who they knew could heal, they asked him for His help. Jesus told them to go to the Temple and they would be healed. Along the way to Galilee, they were indeed healed. Nine of them continued on to the Temple to rejoin society, but one of the lepers, realizing his healing, returned to Jesus, knelt before him and acknowledged that the God of Jesus was the only God.

Joe's sermon was about the outcast and how even the simplest of people can get the message.  However, he started his sermon by talking about the Institutionalized Church which in all honesty captivated me more. He said that sometimes it hurts to hear that because he is young, that he should have ideas on how to increase membership in congregations because local churches are dying. In his opinion, raising attendance numbers is not his calling. His calling is to relay the message of Christ and to remind us that Faith in Jesus is the Universal church. Our duty is to create more disciples of Christ, not to increase numbers of local congregations.  And for the first time I totally got the point. Last night as I tried to watch a documentary about the Lost Gospels, it occurred to me that since the Council of Nicaea we have lost that inherit faith in Jesus.  Through the doctrines set by Christian denominations, we see the "church" as trying to make us live our lives a certain way.  Then we see those leaders who have set those doctrines not following them.  We get a little confused as to what the church really is. They become institutions and we all know, institutions almost always become corrupt. Government and schools are prime examples of this.

The leper who returned got that message. The nine others, didn't.  To them being a part of God's Kingdom was being a part of the larger Jewish community where they would be recognized as clean and able to come back into God's good graces. For them, their faith lie in the foundation of the Institution, not in their faith that the Lord would heal them. The one leper, who was a Samaritan, a non-believer in God, an outcast from society; GOT IT. He didn't need the institution of the church to become part of the eternal Kingdom of God.  He understood that it was faith in God alone that would bring him into it.  And Jesus acknowledged his faith, "your faith has healed and saved you."  The leper didn't need the priests to cleanse him, he had been cleansed by the Lord himself.  He was faithful in God's love and power...and that's how he got it.

So it sounds like I'm saying going to Church every Sunday is inherently against Jesus' message here.

 Hold the phone!  Church can very much be a loving community, one where our faith in the Universal church, the Church of Jesus can be studied and shared.  Where our faith can increase and touch the lives of others who may have lost the message in the translation. In my church I feel the love of God around all of us. Most everyone is accepting of each other and wanting to increase each other's faith.  Not many are concerned with what the official Methodist "doctrine" and rules dictate. We are there to share our faith in the Lord with each other. That faith far outweighs the controversy of religious corruption.  Personally I don't really care who wrote what or who included what.  The messages in the Bible, albeit translated and changed to help us understand it, help me look for the deeper truth, and what I consider to be the eternal truth of God.

In all things that men (and women) are involved in, there will be corruption. There will be controversy. Not all of us will get the message that the leper got, but many of us are willing to give it shot.

First CX Race=DeaD Last, but I don't care!

Last year I randomly went to a cyclocross (CX from here on out) race to watch my friend Chrisgo race. I had never heard of CX, but the minute that I saw all these hard core cyclists running with their bikes, jumping off their bikes and then back on without falling flat on their faces, I knew right away that this was something I had to try. It reminded me a little bit of riding my bike in the horse pasture down the street from where I grew up.  Fortunately these cyclists weren't having to dodge piles of poop everywhere.  After the second race I went to, I made the decision that I would try it, at least once. It looked hard, but at the same time it looked like a lot of fun.


As a little girl, I always walked a fine line between girly and tomboy. I liked my dresses, I liked kicking soccer balls against the school building during recess. I liked to do tricks on my bike (and subsequently falling off it), I liked climbing trees, but I really liked having my hair pretty too. I'm a girl, I liked pink... and I still do. So, when I saw Chris in his Black Sheep Cartel "outfit," (and yes I know it's called a kit now) I knew I wanted to rock it.
I bought a new bike, slapped some CX tires on it and was ready to roll.  Here's the catch, I am a commuter as far as my bike goes. I run for exercise and I run about 3 races a year... and not for competition. Let me write that just ONE more time, and NOT for competition.  So when I decided to race my first race, I kept telling myself, just for fun, just for fun. And that's what I did. I didn't check out my results because I didn't care, I just raced to do something different.  One thing I do know; I came in DEAD LAST.

But cyclocross is fun! It's tough, it's tiring and it is challenging. Furthermore, something I REALLY want to do again.  What was so funny to me about riding the course at Swope Park is that it did really remind me of being a kid again, even horse poop was scattered in certain areas.  The course for the typical CX racer was probably very average, but for me, not so much.  I can ride in the grass just as well as the next person, but trying to remain pedaling while going around sharp corners is another matter for me and something I'll probably have to work on a lot more in the next few weeks.  Climbing hills does not phase me, in fact it was in the hilly areas where I was able to overtake a few of the competing ladies. As a runner, I run hills about every third workout to keep my gluts strong. I have mastered hill climbing and have been able to transition into that part of riding. It's all about breathing and that I can do.  So, I'm able to hold my own on a hill, but those girls were able to get right back at me when it came to the long straight-away on pavement. I guess sprinting is another area I will have to work on.  One of those fancy trainers is definitely in order for this girl!

And then the single track dirt through the woods part of the course! That got me and I was too nervous to run my bike over those "natural barriers," aka logs in the middle of the course that I just jumped over them. To my surprise, that part of riding my bike as a kid came back easily.  And I did slow down at one point because one of my fellow lady riders hit the ground hard. I totally forgot I was racing, slowed down, and seriously almost got off that bike to help her.  All I could say, was, "oh my God are you okay... oh crap, I can't stop to help, but I want to." She was like, "I know... I know, I wouldn't stop either... keep going." But this poor girl looked miserable.  So, I just kept riding and then got passed by about three girls. I guess they know the drill better than me.

So I came in last, no biggie. All that means is that I have only one way to go, up!  I can only get better and for right now, all I want to do is ride my bike!

When I Grow Up...

Since I've been living once again with my grandparents, I have become used to cable television. And when I have to sit with my grandmother, I tend to do a lot of web surfing.  In between looking for a job, preparing for church, doing some photos here and there, I have not been very productive.  Actually, I just haven't been very motivated to do much of anything really.  My mind hasn't been as active, so therefore I have neglected thinking as well. But I need to get back into it because it's true what they say, "the mind is a terrible thing to waste." So here are my reflections from our service yesterday.

Patrick was busy in Jefferson City this week playing military man with the National Guard, so Pastor Joe took over. A lot of people get SO used to one preacher that when somebody else gives the sermon, they either a. Don't come to church, or b. nod off during the service.  Luckily, I like to hear what everyone has to say.  Everybody's approach to the Bible is different and hearing someone else's perspective is refreshing.

Today's scripture was the story about Jacob's Ladder.  I'm sure everyone knows the story, okay for those of you who don't, here it is. Jacob flees Beersheba when he catches wind that his brother is furious about the trickery Rebecca, Jacob's mother, played on his father Isaac.  Rebecca wanted badly for her favored son, Jacob, to inherit his father's property. Jacob's brother Esau vows to kill him, forcing Jacob to hit the road.  When Jacob reaches the city of Haran, he decides to take up camp.  That evening in his dreams, he sees a ladder (or staircase) and all the heavenly hosts (angels) are climbing up and down it.  God comes to Jacob in this dream and proclaims that Jacob's descendants will populate the world. They will spread north, south, east, west, all over.  So... here it is, Jacob becomes the progenitor of the 12 tribes of Israel. Ta da! Story in a nutshell! Feel enlightened?

Probably not right? Well, let's think about it for a minute. One minute Jacob is living this fantastic life. He is the younger of the twins, he is the one God has proclaimed to be the ruler over his older brother. Whether Rebecca shared this information with Jacob is uncertain, but what is certain is that Rebecca favored this child, providing him with a loving family environment. She knew what he was to be when he grew up, but because Esau was born first, he inherintly would be the one to gain his father's favor.  On a simple day when Isaac was becoming blind, his wife tricks him into believe Jacob is Esau.  Unfortunately, Jacob ends up running for his life.

Here's Jacob, in a foreign land, no family, probably the clothes on his back, an outcast.  Joe asked us today to close our eyes and remember back to when we were five or six years old. He asked us to remember what we wanted to be when we grew up.  I sat there, eyes closed, not remembering a thing. What I do remember is that when I was 8 or 9, I had enjoyed being a little kid.  I remember always thinking that I would always remember my childhood, and here I was in church, trying very hard to remember what I had wanted to be, and I couldn't.  I sat in my pew, as an adult, trying so hard to figure out, if I had ever gotten what I wanted.  For those few minutes I was able to relate to how Jacob must have felt; kind of lost, a little hopeless.

After church I texted my mother and I asked her, what did I want to be when I grew up.  I think she thought it was a trick question, because she asked me right back, "um... I don't know, what?" I reiterated that I was asking her, and her first response was a Mommy, which I laughed at!  I'm 32 years old, haven't had any real lasting relationships, and I wanted to be a Mommy?  You have to be good at relationships right to be a good Mommy? Anybody can make babies, but to be a good mother? I would assume having a man who you would be in a solid relationship with, would be there too.   But maybe she was right, I did like my dolls a lot!  Besides, my mother was an amazing mother who did it alone.

I've been thinking about it today, and I think Mommy may have been in there, but maybe I never really voiced what I wanted. I was such an imaginative child, maybe I wanted to be a story teller, maybe I wanted to be somebody who communicated.  The more I think about it, the more I begin to really see that communicating is something I really wanted to grow into.

Joe's ultimate message, and one that has been reiterated over and over again is that God is always there for us. He will protect us and guide us, even when we feel lost and abandoned.  He will make our lives GREAT!  I took a really good look at what Joe was saying and I realize just how good my life has been, even with all the pitfalls and stumbles.  I can be happy knowing that God has delivered me right to where I need to be at this point in my life. I am a work in progress. My desire to communicate with the world, whether it be through these blogs or through my work at church or in my daily life, I am fulfilling God's hope for me.  I have to have faith that He will give me what I want, even if I don't know right away that it IS what I want.

In the past month since I left Hy-Vee, I have felt truly blessed. My funds are dwindling, but I have been able to focus on what is most important in my life, and that is communicating. I want to do so much more, I want to make sure the drama is left out, and there is definitely a way to do that, through honesty. Honesty is the best way to make our lives as little complicated as possible. I believe that God brings people in and out of our lives, not to test us, but to make us better and stronger.  Sometimes we miss what he's trying to teach us, but He never gives up on us, no matter how bad we believe we may have screwed up.

Gassho.

You Generate a lot of Your Own Drama

And I'd say most people do it too. I don't think I'm the only one guilty of this.

I don't particularly have any drama going on right now other than in my head.  Last week I helped a friend out and I got to thinking, my depression really comes from not being good at relationships.  I work so hard to be good at everything else I do, that I shy away from recognizing what I should or should not do in them. I wish I was sixteen again where all I cared about was making out with a hot boy and going on to the next one. I did want a boyfriend like everyone else, but it was more about the making out!

I don't know why in the past several years my approach to a relationship has been a "pins & needles" situation. Maybe I never learned anything in those few little bouts of relationships I had during my late teens and early twenties.  I'm 32 now, and I think I'm just desperate now.  I met a guy once who was so great, so amazing, and so unavailable. He was the guy for me, definitely, but I screwed it up. I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to be needed. He needed me for a brief time, but gave up on me when I couldn't deal with the fact that he needed to be by himself. I wanted to be the good person, but I ended up being the torturer, the nuisance. I brought it on myself, I let someone in my life I shouldn't have, and since then I beat myself up for pushing away this person who could have been the right one for me.  I can't stop thinking about what I did.  We're supposed to learn from our past, but it sucks when you screwed up so bad.  I'm starting to believe that people don't really believe in second chances.  

My brain is on fire, I can't cope with the things that have happened in the past.  I don't like screwing up and when I do, it haunts me. I feel the need to rectify, to reconcile, to make it good.  I'm trying so hard to suck it up, but I don't like fucking up.

And here I am on the verge of screwing up another friendship.  I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want to let him down, but I also don't want to lead him on. Why can't it be simple? I can't ignore it this time, I have to be completely frank and say, I want to hang out with you, but I don't want to be with you. That's all there is to it, so why can't I just do that?  I don't want to jeopardize the friendship.  I know that in the long-run it will be for the best. If I don't say anything and continue to ignore it, it will definitely get bad. I don't want that, as I value the friendship more than anything.

A Break from the Blog

          It's been almost a month since my last blog and this time it was on purpose. I dedicated my life to being drama-free and I decided to just let that settle in for a bit.

          Things were going really well for about a month after the last bout of depression issues and I must say, I have never felt better.

          Hell I even got fired from my job this Monday, but I don't have any real bad feelings about it.  Okay, I do.  Even if you think I'm a liar or that I have not been completely forthright, one of the things about me is that I believe in truth and justice. Yes, just call me Superman!

          But truth and justice don't always just have to do with TELLING the truth or always doing the right thing. Manipulation is one of those things that is based in dishonesty.  I won't go into details about how I feel certain people in my former place of employment were manipulated, but people were, including my boss. The truth was presented in a skewed way to present me in a negative light. I must say that I have always been very dedicated to my job.  I have depression and there have been a few times when it REALLY did interfere with doing the best job I could.  In my heart I always felt completely horrible about the people that had to deal with my illness, or make up the slack for me.  Mental health unfortunately is not viewed in society or by the government really as an illness that is easily excused. It's not like chronic migraines or high blood pressure. These things can land you in the hospital, just as easily as deteriorating mental health. I feel that I always gave 150% when I was at work. I went above and beyond what I even expected of myself.

          I am a regular church attendee, and I believed in my place of employment so much, that I really felt like being a part of it was part of my ministry to the community.  Being an employee there meant so much more to me than just receiving an income. I liked the fact that I got paid, but that wasn't the main reason I wanted to be there.

            I saw my place of employment as a type of ministry outside the confines of a church.  I felt blessed by God to be a part of it and while I was in the building, I felt that I should be as a servant to the ones I worked for.  I tried as hard as I could to make sure my fellow employees were taken care of.  Even if they came for my assistance 5 minutes before I was scheduled to leave, I did my best to assist them. I don't an award for this, but I think I deserved more from my employer.

          Unfortunately there are mishaps and miscommunication that occur within the workplace.  The work of evil is always present, the devil will try to misguide you, push you off the path.  When evil showed itself at work, I took what measures I had to in order to protect myself. I kept more to myself and did not associate with my immediate co-workers as much. I couldn't, I had to keep myself safe.  But you know what they say, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.  It's hard to do that though.  When I found myself in a triangle of manipulation and false accusations, I went to the one person who I had trusted above anybody else.   But I was betrayed.  I know I messed up just like any other person, but I gave my heart to this place.

          A lot of people have told me that it was just a job, that I would find another one. I don't doubt my abilities at all. But I believed in this place, I believed in our Director more than anyone else. I embraced our mission statement, "making lives easier, healthier, happier." It's not hard to uphold those three objectives, and I embraced the presence and compassion we brought to the community. And that community involved my co-workers. This was not just a place of employment for me, this was were I could carry out Christian ministry in my community.

No Mo' Drama Mama

          So I've decided that from here on out, I will dedicate my life to being drama-free!  I know I mentioned this new blog as my FB status and people seemed to really like the idea.  Who knows, maybe I will have some new readers.  (I know, I'm an attention-seeker... you got me!)
As a note to anybody who has just begun reading this or who has been a dedicated follower: this is not technically a new blog, it's just a new focus. My blog has been and will always be dedicated to Joe Alabarces, who was my sister Alicia's first boyfriend.  He died two years ago.  About a year before his terminal illness took hold of his life, his "About Me" section on MySpace had a Gandhi quote, "Live each day like you are going to die tomorrow, learn like you were going to live forever."  So I dedicated my blog to that wisdom.

          But! Living life the past year has been rather turbulent and I definitely wasn't living for the day, and I wasn't learning very much. I learned a lot of things NOT to do, but here's what I DID learn:

1.     When commenting on a Facebook status, keep in mind who else  your "friend" may be friends with.
           IE. Always keep in mind that your former roommate may work with your friend. Whoops.
           Ever hear of the Law of Attraction? Well, she told me I am a living drama. Ouch!  That thought stuck and I've done a GREAT job of manifesting drama for the past year.  I guess what I have learned is that, maybe there is something to this law... who knew Oprah may have been on to something. 
2   End a romantic relationship when your gut tells you to.
          Okay, so I was dating this guy who got too busy with his work.  He never used that as an excuse, but his time away from work was spent with the boys or sleeping in a hammock.  I took advantage of his "non-availability," went on a few dates with a guy who was probably better suited for me, but who in turn said I never made time for him! Ha! Go figure!
          And then a spur of the moment trip to another city to meet up with a guy who months earlier you just couldn't keep your eyes off because he was so interesting.  Nights in a different city generally end in a drunken night and making out.  Next, tttttrrrryyyyy to remember that you met this guy through the guy you are currently having second thoughts about, so you don't have to cover your tracks.
          What I learned from this: Guilt will cause you to do crazy ass things, like being constantly jealous of what your dude is up to.  And then it'll make you want him around ALL THE TIME.  LUCKILY! I realized after all the Bullshit I put him through that he didn't know about, that I was just impatient with his busy summer work schedule.  I think it could have been a good relationship (even though he says he's not a boyfriend type... yeah whatever, he's too nice not to be boyfriend material... he's got some crazy facade he's got to keep up... I think he's just purely male and needs instinctually to spread his "genes" around... :) And if you read this sexilicious, you know that I love you and this is just me clearing the slate....xoxo)

3.  When you meet a married man, who before he even sits down, you know that a connection is already there, run. Run for your life.
          It'll save both of you from detrimental pain.  If this man is everything you have really ever dreamt of in a partner, recognize that he's already chosen one. When he is having doubts about his marriage, stay out of it.  If you are convinced you really love him, be STRONG, keep your boundaries up and refrain from talking to him (or her, if you're on the other side of the table)  If your "dream" person ends up getting divorced, and you have stayed away, who knows what your chances will be.  If you meddle, your heads gets screwed and eventually you could ruin what might have been something awesome in the end.  Here is what your guilt will do if you meddle (and of course if you have a conscience) you will find any way to make the married person miserable. You may say hateful and vengeful things, that you probably would refrain from if you were in good conscience.  Oh, and then you may have the mindset when you feel guilty, to use other people to make you feel better. Collateral damage so to speak.

So okay, there you have it.... clearing the slate.  You may be thinking, that's it? So many people do these things and don't even think twice. Well, I have a problem living with a guilty conscience.  I go on and on about how much I care for the people in my life, but why would I hide things from them or lie just to save face?  I've come to the conclusion that I like to be the victim.  Well, my friends... I am overcoming the victim role.  I'm also going to overcome the guilt-induced perpetrator.  I want to live well, I want to be happy, I think this is the first step. Wish me luck, the road to a healthy psychosis for the Captain is undiscovered terrain.

The Good Samaritan

Gentle character; it is which enables the rope of life to stay unbroken in one's hand."

~Yoruba Proverb, Nigeria

          Ah... to be able to live up to that proverb would be a blessing. Recently I've been struggling with understanding the negative undertones of my persona that so often take over my rationale. I have always wanted to be that good person, that person that does good for others. In the past two years, my life has been somewhat of a roller coaster trying to maintain that image. Over the course of about 6 months, from March to August 2009, my mental state was healthy and I was in touch with the spirit of the God that I worship. I was kind-hearted, not just because I felt I needed to be, but because that was truly where my heart was. Somehow, when the guy I was dating went on his annual bike trip, I lost my way. I lost my faith in him, went to Minneapolis and broke my commitment to him. I came to believe that he wasn't capable of being my boyfriend, so it made it easier. That shouldn't nor does it excuse my actions in the great state of Minnesota, but I was heartbroken letting the truth of the matter soak in and wanted to satisfy my sadness. I've kept him close since I broke things off with him because of my guilt. Today I confessed to him and I felt the guilt fade away. It is in this instant that I realized that I may not be Mr. Hyde after all. I very much identify with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and if you want to read that blog, I encourage you to click here. I, unlike Jekyll, will not let Mr. Hyde win. I know how much better it feels to be honest, to be truthful in all instances. There is no delay in repercussions and allows for quicker healing. I want to heal my friendship with my most favorite bike mechanic because he's worth it to me. He told me today, that sometimes you have to just keep moving along even if you hurt people, but I value my friendships, even when I am not forthright in them. I believe that with prayer and with a truthful heart, you will receive what you want. I don't ask for these things because I just want everything to go my way, it's because I DO care, albeit my actions prove otherwise.

          I love myself most when I am a good person, when I do the right thing. When I met Simon in September last year, I thought I was doing the right thing. Like in my last blog, I didn't think anything of it really. Had I been a loyal friend like I know I wasn't, I would have run when I recognized the wanting in his eyes. You live, you learn. That is the mantra for my life and for my blog. So, I'm learning.

          I do believe the Spirit was working within me today. Our scripture from Luke was the parable of "The Good Samaritan." For those of you not familiar, go here (easiest version of the bible ever). Two religious men passed by and ignored a man in a ditch who has been robbed, beaten and left for dead. The Samaritan, who in the time of Jesus was more closely related to a Gentile, similar to an outcast, stopped, tended to his wounds and took him to safety. To be close to God, to find eternal life, we are to love God with our whole hearts, our whole being, our whole intelligence, and then to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. "But what is the definition of neighbor," the scholar listening to the story asked Jesus. Is it to be the man in the ditch, the Good Samaritan, the do-gooder (Patrick's words) What I took away from today's sermon was that the neighbor is God, the God in all of us. Our neighbor is the man in the ditch. The man is a symbolism of God, a symbol of Christ who was left to fall among thieves on the cross. Accepting that man in the ditch is accepting God into your heart. God became human in the flesh of Jesus, He came to this world to be among us, to feel our pain, to feel our suffering. Not just the bleeding and wounded pain in our lives, but all our pain. Our psychological suffering, our longing for things to be right in the world. When we reach out for the man in the ditch, we reach out for God. In all of us, flows the Spirit, we are all connected through the Spirit. My God is not always the Victorious God because He is a part of me. He is willing to be drug through the dirt of my anguish and my pain, but my faith in Him as a loving God, allows me to pick myself and continue pushing myself through this life. He has seen the mess I've made and has been patient with me until I have been able to recognize the underlying impetus of my pain.  When I recognize this truth, recognize that God has felt this pain right alongside me, His faith in me shines through, and He lifts me up and delivers me.  The truth is what I owe to everyone, the truth will allow my God to be victorious with me.

          I believe that often, we as humans only see God purely as a Divine Being. But his hand reaches out to us in the most human of forms. The day I felt most depressed and hurting, I went to my friend's house and I believe God delivered me the hand I needed. The words just flowed, suck it up. Sucking it up has meant facing the truth and accepting the evil within me. But through my faith, I know that I will be able to conquer it and be the person that I know I am.

          They say God works in mysterious ways, but I also thinks He works through a collective consciousness and allows us as humans to guide and be of service to our neighbors.

Once there is seeing, there must be acting…

We must be aware of the real problems of the world.

Then, with mindfulness, we will know what to do,

And what not to do, to be of help.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

          I love the teachings of Hanh because he teaches engaged Buddhism and I often find the correlation of his teachings to those of Christianity. God has given us eyes to see, ears to listen. He has given us the gift of being able to help those in need. To me that is very closely related to the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. When we are mindful of ourselves, we are mindful to the needs and suffering of others. Mindfulness is being aware, awakened to the wisdom of the Buddha. When we are mindful, we are able to see our relationship to each other and to the world, we see the interrelatedness of each other. Mindfulness also includes remembering. For any Buddhist who may read this, he or she may want to argue that we shouldn't dwell in the past and only in the now. But remembering allows us to recognize our previous conditions and how those conditions shaped us into the person we are right now. It also allows us to really see that interconnectedness to all things, all beings. Forgetting the past is not mindful because without it, we have no way to understand how we've arrived to where we are now.

          Hanh also teaches the importance of identification. When we are aware/mindful, we are able to see our oneness with the world, we see the connectedness, we are able to become empathetic towards the suffering of those in our lives, of those in the world. When we are empathetic we become compassionate and sympathetic, but we don't pity. And for change to happen, Hahn teaches the importance of action. Once we see, once we connect, we must act. When we act, we not only heal others, we heal ourselves.

          Being mindful is directly connected, in my opinion, to the parable of the Samaritan. A non-religious man walking on the path from Jericho to Jerusalem, connected to that man, didn't need the laws of the Jewish religion to take the right action, but he knew what was right. In God we are all connected, in Buddhism we are all connected. I believe Siddhartha would have taught the same thing, to feel compassion. Reaching out for the man in the ditch, reaching out for the man on the cross is recognizing that connectedness. When I reach out to God and bring the Spirit into my heart, I reach out and bring my sisters and brothers in too.

          So I must act in accordance to the commandment, "Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor." When I lie to those I hold dearest to my heart, I lie to God, because God is that neighbor, He is the One in each of us. I will be honest, I will be forthright. My intention is to no longer hurt the ones I love. I will be of gentle character so as to keep the rope of life unbroken by my hand.

I like to Throw Caution to the Wind

I tried convincing myself of that on January 8th in a Wendy's parking lot. What really happened? I wanted to kiss the man of my dreams.  To hell with the fact that he was married. I went to sleep that night totally blissed... and why? Because I felt that somebody who was so unavailable to me, was completely in love with me.  What a fantastic feeling, knowing that somebody who should be dedicated to another person wanted to belong to me.  Sounds fucking ridiculous right? But if you really think about it, shit, what person doesn't want to feel like they've been chosen, that things would be right in the world if these two souls actually did belong together. I didn't care, I wanted that IMMEDIATE gratification of knowing what it felt like to be wanted for who I am. It's intoxicating to find another person on this planet who you feel can take a peek into your soul.  What is funny in retrospect is that I didn't find him all that attractive when I first met him, but over the course of e-mail conversations and him understanding my feelings toward the world, and sharing a few beers a couple of evenings, I fell for him.  I went into our friendship non-chalantly, with no feelings of anything more than a friendship. I even told him that I thought it was great that he was involved because we could have a friendship that wouldn't be compromised.  Harry had it right, men and women CANNOT be friends. (When Harry Met Sally) Actually, that's not entirely true. Zeke and I are friends. We may have desires towards each other from time to time, but I think we're past the point of all that petty feelings and needing to talk about our "relationship" bullshit.

Anyway, I digress. I want to do something here that I haven't done when relating my "drama" with Simon.  (names are being protected) Simon did nothing wrong other than break his loyalty to his wife and comment on my blog using an alias. So he wanted to be close to me, but at the same time he needed to fulfill his obligation to his marriage, try to make it work. In my mind, his constant contacting me kept my hopes up. I will not lie, I wanted his marriage to end, but I would never say that to him. I wanted to keep the hope alive that one in the end he would be mine. But when it became apparent that he recognized that he HAD to work with her, I lost my mind.  Karma is a BITCH! I should have been a good Christian and let him figure his relationship out. I wished for negative things, and let myself be drawn into my negative mindset. Simon became my obsession and I couldn't let him go.  The more I thought about the situation, the more my guilt set in.  I told some people that he made me feel like it was my fault. He never once told me that his divorce was my fault. He never stole my happiness. When I contacted him in May or whenever it was, (yes I said I CONTACTED HIM) I thought we could be friends again. However, when my crazy mind took over me in February, I said some hateful words to him that made him wary of me. I broke his trust by telling him that I hated him.  I broke his trust by wanting his marriage to end.  I told him that he didn't deserve her, that he was bad. Simon isn't a bad person. He made a vow almost 10 years ago, he had to see if he could hold himself to that vow and be worthy of it. I told him he wasn't... and why? Because it wasn't working in MY favor.

It's only human to want things to work in our favor. Some of us are able to walk away when things don't. Unfortunately I wasn't able to. And then I wasn't able to be truthful about it to the close friends I told about the situation. I wanted to be the victim.  I am NOT the victim in this situation.  Simon and I are not speaking as of right now because of something I did.  I thought we could be friends again, but I let my guilt sneak up on me because I felt like he could see through me. I hadn't let him go completely, I hadn't let him heal from this unfortunate event that has happened in his life. And I wanted him to see me the way that I was when I was in my healthy state of mind.  Instead, I harassed him through e-mail and text message and when he didn't respond the way I wanted, I tried to force my guilt on him... again. I don't like to be weighed down with these guilty feelings, but the fact of the matter is that I am guilty of doing what I did.  I wronged our friendship, far more than he did.

I'm not going to say I'm sorry in this blog, I think the truth is apology enough.  I don't feel guilty anymore. I have a new friend and I told him just a tiny, tiny bit as to why I was mad at Simon.  I told HIM the truth.  He told me simply, suck it up. Just suck it up.  I fucked up, I let Simon see my good and bad side and my bad side is REAL bad, Mr. Hyde bad.  And of course, negativity is much more powerful than the positive.  Simon told me in an e-mail, "there is so much good in you." I want to focus on that part of me again, and I think owning up will help me do just that.  I was on a roll with my positive attitude and I thought I had beat my depression/anger. This is to renewed hope in myself.

I don't think Simon will want to be friends with me even if he reads this blog, but I hope to God one day he can see that I do repent.  I will say this, regardless of whatever happens or what has happened, Simon was worthy of his vows. We make mistakes, but that doesn't make us lesser people. He is a good man, just one who lost his way for a little bit. I believe in this person more than I believe in anybody else, (other than myself).  He is a good man.

Joe's Birthday

Today was a fantastic day. My boss asked me to take studio style portraits for our service awards. It wasn't that exciting, but I think my boss has realized how seriously I am taking photography.  So, that was great.

Today, my cousins, aunt Terri, and Grandparents celebrated the lives of my Aunt Julie and Uncle Steve who both died of cancer 3 1/2 and two years ago respectively.  This may sound kind of corny, but since their passing, and the popularity of Facebook, we have been a much closer family.  We all live in different areas of the country, but it is so nice to be able to be friends like this.  In a world of chaos and "impending doom," we are fortunate to be able to be close from such long distances.

Also today is a big day for my blog. Today Joe Alabarces, the young man who inspired this blog, would have been 24 today.  So, today I am throwing a party... replete with balloons and a cake!

Enjoy Joe, we know you're partying it up good with the Big J.C.  Love you always!

Karma's a Bitch

Deleted... cuz it wasn't true. 

My name is Angela Christine Colina.  I was named after my aunt/godmother Julie Christine, she was a beautiful woman.

I am 32 years old and I have been nothing but a failure at this life. I cannot even successfully find a way out of it.... and I want out. I need out.

Every other day of my life is spent in an abyss of depression, nothing I can do can seem to shake me out of it. I don't think I'll ever be good enough for life or for anybody.  I've accomplished goals in my life, but without recognition even from my family.  I've accomplished so much, but feeling good about them alone can only go so far.

...... Maybe I'll just lay here in my bed til my weary heart gives out.

Giving & Receiving

I just got off the phone with Mr. Forester with the intention of writing, but I'm not feeling it due to a little bit of head and stomachache.  I'm tired of seeing Jekyll & Hyde as the first title on my blog. I wrote that when I was acknowledging the dark side of my self that I want to conquer. So for today, I'm sharing my happiness with whoever needs it ... I hope the energy caused by it reaches you well. It is my gift to you today and I hope it brightens your day or makes it even better than it already is.  I will hopefully be prepared to share with you tomorrow more cohesive thoughts on giving and receiving.

We are all connected in this world and despite my ails, I am happy and want to share it with you all.

Goodnight world!

Oh and check out this great website... www.postsecret.com

Jekyll or Hyde...

I recently finished reading Robert Louis Stevenson's short novel, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Don't worry, I'm not going to give a review or report on this book as everyone has some idea of what the whole thing is about.

Okay, just a little bit of background. It isn't a scary story, at least for our time. We are so used to reading or watching terribly horrific fiction.  Close your eyes if you haven't read this book, but there is only one murder and it is nuthin like I've read in more modern books.  Jekyll/Hyde is not a murder mystery or a who-dun-it story. It is a psychological study on human nature. The other night, I texted a friend of mine, "do you think people can be inherently good or bad?" At first glimpse, yes, Dr. Jekyll is inherently bad. He lets his alter-ego, or as Freud would say, his ego take over.  He succumbs almost unwillingly to this part of himself that seeks out the pleasurable aspects of his life.  For Jekyll it wasn't an inherently good person, it was a person who was just plain bad, plain evil. Even the description of this Mr. Hyde repulses all who come into contact with him.  It isn't often that an author gives the reader an opportunity to "see" what evil looks like. Many of us where the masks of goodness, what society wants us to see, and that is Dr. Jekyll.

After having read this book, I took a good long look at myself and wondered... behind this innocent looking face is a mad woman. I wouldn't go out on a limb and say I'm evil, but I can be really bad.  I can be coniving and downright spiteful.  This is the part of me that I struggle with on a daily basis. I want to be a good person, I have been working to be a good person.  Last night I spoke to the first man that ever told me that he loved me.  He told me how wonderful of a person I am and that I deserve so much happiness. We broke up nearly 8 years ago, and I know the person that I was deep down inside. I wanted adventure, I wanted an exciting life. With him I was on a path of marriage, kids, happy home in the suburbs.  I knew though that I wasn't ready for that life. I wasn't sure if it was a life I ever wanted. Hell, I was 23 years old, I knew nothing about what I wanted.  But I knew that the person this man loved was not the real me. I was raging against myself on the inside, I needed to get out. When I think about the transition I made then, I realize that I let out my Mr. Hyde.  I wanted to satisfy every innate part of nature within my being.

I will be 32 this year and I have satisfied that part of me that I thought would make me happy. Now I feel trapped into an endless cycle of bad choices. I have become an almost hateful person at times. I expect so much from others and am endlessly disappointed when they don't return what I need from them.  This is a part of me that has manifested over time by the bad decisions I have made.  I'm really making myself sound like a terrible person.  To me I am a terrible person, and I think a lot of people would think that I am not really, but to feel this way on the inside is what is torturous.  What bothers me is that people think I'm good, but they only see what I let out. The part that bothers me the most is that all these things on the inside that make me the bad person that I am is done through desperation. I am desperate at this point in my life. I want things to go right for me at all costs.  All costs though generally leads to all loss, leaving me angrier and more desperate.

Right now I am Mr. Hyde, but I desperately want to Dr. Jekyll. I know that I am a good person, I want my life to be healthy, mentally as well as physically. I want to be happy and I'm not. I think only when I can quell the rage of my Mr. Hyde then I can live life freely. What scares me is that I'm not sure Jekyll is strong enough. My focus is empowerment and if I want to really love and offer the best I can to this world, then I must, I must overcome this part of me that I want so badly to be rid of.

My ex-boyfriend told me over and over last night how I am such a wonderful person. I know I can be, and that is really what I want more than anything.  I believe that we are both good and bad, but sometimes we let the bad take over for too long. I am ready to let Jekyll, the good nature of my being, take over again.