You Generate a lot of Your Own Drama

And I'd say most people do it too. I don't think I'm the only one guilty of this.

I don't particularly have any drama going on right now other than in my head.  Last week I helped a friend out and I got to thinking, my depression really comes from not being good at relationships.  I work so hard to be good at everything else I do, that I shy away from recognizing what I should or should not do in them. I wish I was sixteen again where all I cared about was making out with a hot boy and going on to the next one. I did want a boyfriend like everyone else, but it was more about the making out!

I don't know why in the past several years my approach to a relationship has been a "pins & needles" situation. Maybe I never learned anything in those few little bouts of relationships I had during my late teens and early twenties.  I'm 32 now, and I think I'm just desperate now.  I met a guy once who was so great, so amazing, and so unavailable. He was the guy for me, definitely, but I screwed it up. I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to be needed. He needed me for a brief time, but gave up on me when I couldn't deal with the fact that he needed to be by himself. I wanted to be the good person, but I ended up being the torturer, the nuisance. I brought it on myself, I let someone in my life I shouldn't have, and since then I beat myself up for pushing away this person who could have been the right one for me.  I can't stop thinking about what I did.  We're supposed to learn from our past, but it sucks when you screwed up so bad.  I'm starting to believe that people don't really believe in second chances.  

My brain is on fire, I can't cope with the things that have happened in the past.  I don't like screwing up and when I do, it haunts me. I feel the need to rectify, to reconcile, to make it good.  I'm trying so hard to suck it up, but I don't like fucking up.

And here I am on the verge of screwing up another friendship.  I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want to let him down, but I also don't want to lead him on. Why can't it be simple? I can't ignore it this time, I have to be completely frank and say, I want to hang out with you, but I don't want to be with you. That's all there is to it, so why can't I just do that?  I don't want to jeopardize the friendship.  I know that in the long-run it will be for the best. If I don't say anything and continue to ignore it, it will definitely get bad. I don't want that, as I value the friendship more than anything.