~Yoruba Proverb, Nigeria
Ah... to be able to live up to that proverb would be a blessing. Recently I've been struggling with understanding the negative undertones of my persona that so often take over my rationale. I have always wanted to be that good person, that person that does good for others. In the past two years, my life has been somewhat of a roller coaster trying to maintain that image. Over the course of about 6 months, from March to August 2009, my mental state was healthy and I was in touch with the spirit of the God that I worship. I was kind-hearted, not just because I felt I needed to be, but because that was truly where my heart was. Somehow, when the guy I was dating went on his annual bike trip, I lost my way. I lost my faith in him, went to Minneapolis and broke my commitment to him. I came to believe that he wasn't capable of being my boyfriend, so it made it easier. That shouldn't nor does it excuse my actions in the great state of Minnesota, but I was heartbroken letting the truth of the matter soak in and wanted to satisfy my sadness. I've kept him close since I broke things off with him because of my guilt. Today I confessed to him and I felt the guilt fade away. It is in this instant that I realized that I may not be Mr. Hyde after all. I very much identify with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and if you want to read that blog, I encourage you to click here. I, unlike Jekyll, will not let Mr. Hyde win. I know how much better it feels to be honest, to be truthful in all instances. There is no delay in repercussions and allows for quicker healing. I want to heal my friendship with my most favorite bike mechanic because he's worth it to me. He told me today, that sometimes you have to just keep moving along even if you hurt people, but I value my friendships, even when I am not forthright in them. I believe that with prayer and with a truthful heart, you will receive what you want. I don't ask for these things because I just want everything to go my way, it's because I DO care, albeit my actions prove otherwise.
I love myself most when I am a good person, when I do the right thing. When I met Simon in September last year, I thought I was doing the right thing. Like in my last blog, I didn't think anything of it really. Had I been a loyal friend like I know I wasn't, I would have run when I recognized the wanting in his eyes. You live, you learn. That is the mantra for my life and for my blog. So, I'm learning.
I do believe the Spirit was working within me today. Our scripture from Luke was the parable of "The Good Samaritan." For those of you not familiar, go here (easiest version of the bible ever). Two religious men passed by and ignored a man in a ditch who has been robbed, beaten and left for dead. The Samaritan, who in the time of Jesus was more closely related to a Gentile, similar to an outcast, stopped, tended to his wounds and took him to safety. To be close to God, to find eternal life, we are to love God with our whole hearts, our whole being, our whole intelligence, and then to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. "But what is the definition of neighbor," the scholar listening to the story asked Jesus. Is it to be the man in the ditch, the Good Samaritan, the do-gooder (Patrick's words) What I took away from today's sermon was that the neighbor is God, the God in all of us. Our neighbor is the man in the ditch. The man is a symbolism of God, a symbol of Christ who was left to fall among thieves on the cross. Accepting that man in the ditch is accepting God into your heart. God became human in the flesh of Jesus, He came to this world to be among us, to feel our pain, to feel our suffering. Not just the bleeding and wounded pain in our lives, but all our pain. Our psychological suffering, our longing for things to be right in the world. When we reach out for the man in the ditch, we reach out for God. In all of us, flows the Spirit, we are all connected through the Spirit. My God is not always the Victorious God because He is a part of me. He is willing to be drug through the dirt of my anguish and my pain, but my faith in Him as a loving God, allows me to pick myself and continue pushing myself through this life. He has seen the mess I've made and has been patient with me until I have been able to recognize the underlying impetus of my pain. When I recognize this truth, recognize that God has felt this pain right alongside me, His faith in me shines through, and He lifts me up and delivers me. The truth is what I owe to everyone, the truth will allow my God to be victorious with me.
I believe that often, we as humans only see God purely as a Divine Being. But his hand reaches out to us in the most human of forms. The day I felt most depressed and hurting, I went to my friend's house and I believe God delivered me the hand I needed. The words just flowed, suck it up. Sucking it up has meant facing the truth and accepting the evil within me. But through my faith, I know that I will be able to conquer it and be the person that I know I am.
They say God works in mysterious ways, but I also thinks He works through a collective consciousness and allows us as humans to guide and be of service to our neighbors.
Once there is seeing, there must be acting…
We must be aware of the real problems of the world.
Then, with mindfulness, we will know what to do,
And what not to do, to be of help.
~Thich Nhat Hanh
I love the teachings of Hanh because he teaches engaged Buddhism and I often find the correlation of his teachings to those of Christianity. God has given us eyes to see, ears to listen. He has given us the gift of being able to help those in need. To me that is very closely related to the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. When we are mindful of ourselves, we are mindful to the needs and suffering of others. Mindfulness is being aware, awakened to the wisdom of the Buddha. When we are mindful, we are able to see our relationship to each other and to the world, we see the interrelatedness of each other. Mindfulness also includes remembering. For any Buddhist who may read this, he or she may want to argue that we shouldn't dwell in the past and only in the now. But remembering allows us to recognize our previous conditions and how those conditions shaped us into the person we are right now. It also allows us to really see that interconnectedness to all things, all beings. Forgetting the past is not mindful because without it, we have no way to understand how we've arrived to where we are now.
Hanh also teaches the importance of identification. When we are aware/mindful, we are able to see our oneness with the world, we see the connectedness, we are able to become empathetic towards the suffering of those in our lives, of those in the world. When we are empathetic we become compassionate and sympathetic, but we don't pity. And for change to happen, Hahn teaches the importance of action. Once we see, once we connect, we must act. When we act, we not only heal others, we heal ourselves.
Being mindful is directly connected, in my opinion, to the parable of the Samaritan. A non-religious man walking on the path from Jericho to Jerusalem, connected to that man, didn't need the laws of the Jewish religion to take the right action, but he knew what was right. In God we are all connected, in Buddhism we are all connected. I believe Siddhartha would have taught the same thing, to feel compassion. Reaching out for the man in the ditch, reaching out for the man on the cross is recognizing that connectedness. When I reach out to God and bring the Spirit into my heart, I reach out and bring my sisters and brothers in too.
So I must act in accordance to the commandment, "Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor." When I lie to those I hold dearest to my heart, I lie to God, because God is that neighbor, He is the One in each of us. I will be honest, I will be forthright. My intention is to no longer hurt the ones I love. I will be of gentle character so as to keep the rope of life unbroken by my hand.
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You get it. You got it. You are getting it.
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