I like to Throw Caution to the Wind

I tried convincing myself of that on January 8th in a Wendy's parking lot. What really happened? I wanted to kiss the man of my dreams.  To hell with the fact that he was married. I went to sleep that night totally blissed... and why? Because I felt that somebody who was so unavailable to me, was completely in love with me.  What a fantastic feeling, knowing that somebody who should be dedicated to another person wanted to belong to me.  Sounds fucking ridiculous right? But if you really think about it, shit, what person doesn't want to feel like they've been chosen, that things would be right in the world if these two souls actually did belong together. I didn't care, I wanted that IMMEDIATE gratification of knowing what it felt like to be wanted for who I am. It's intoxicating to find another person on this planet who you feel can take a peek into your soul.  What is funny in retrospect is that I didn't find him all that attractive when I first met him, but over the course of e-mail conversations and him understanding my feelings toward the world, and sharing a few beers a couple of evenings, I fell for him.  I went into our friendship non-chalantly, with no feelings of anything more than a friendship. I even told him that I thought it was great that he was involved because we could have a friendship that wouldn't be compromised.  Harry had it right, men and women CANNOT be friends. (When Harry Met Sally) Actually, that's not entirely true. Zeke and I are friends. We may have desires towards each other from time to time, but I think we're past the point of all that petty feelings and needing to talk about our "relationship" bullshit.

Anyway, I digress. I want to do something here that I haven't done when relating my "drama" with Simon.  (names are being protected) Simon did nothing wrong other than break his loyalty to his wife and comment on my blog using an alias. So he wanted to be close to me, but at the same time he needed to fulfill his obligation to his marriage, try to make it work. In my mind, his constant contacting me kept my hopes up. I will not lie, I wanted his marriage to end, but I would never say that to him. I wanted to keep the hope alive that one in the end he would be mine. But when it became apparent that he recognized that he HAD to work with her, I lost my mind.  Karma is a BITCH! I should have been a good Christian and let him figure his relationship out. I wished for negative things, and let myself be drawn into my negative mindset. Simon became my obsession and I couldn't let him go.  The more I thought about the situation, the more my guilt set in.  I told some people that he made me feel like it was my fault. He never once told me that his divorce was my fault. He never stole my happiness. When I contacted him in May or whenever it was, (yes I said I CONTACTED HIM) I thought we could be friends again. However, when my crazy mind took over me in February, I said some hateful words to him that made him wary of me. I broke his trust by telling him that I hated him.  I broke his trust by wanting his marriage to end.  I told him that he didn't deserve her, that he was bad. Simon isn't a bad person. He made a vow almost 10 years ago, he had to see if he could hold himself to that vow and be worthy of it. I told him he wasn't... and why? Because it wasn't working in MY favor.

It's only human to want things to work in our favor. Some of us are able to walk away when things don't. Unfortunately I wasn't able to. And then I wasn't able to be truthful about it to the close friends I told about the situation. I wanted to be the victim.  I am NOT the victim in this situation.  Simon and I are not speaking as of right now because of something I did.  I thought we could be friends again, but I let my guilt sneak up on me because I felt like he could see through me. I hadn't let him go completely, I hadn't let him heal from this unfortunate event that has happened in his life. And I wanted him to see me the way that I was when I was in my healthy state of mind.  Instead, I harassed him through e-mail and text message and when he didn't respond the way I wanted, I tried to force my guilt on him... again. I don't like to be weighed down with these guilty feelings, but the fact of the matter is that I am guilty of doing what I did.  I wronged our friendship, far more than he did.

I'm not going to say I'm sorry in this blog, I think the truth is apology enough.  I don't feel guilty anymore. I have a new friend and I told him just a tiny, tiny bit as to why I was mad at Simon.  I told HIM the truth.  He told me simply, suck it up. Just suck it up.  I fucked up, I let Simon see my good and bad side and my bad side is REAL bad, Mr. Hyde bad.  And of course, negativity is much more powerful than the positive.  Simon told me in an e-mail, "there is so much good in you." I want to focus on that part of me again, and I think owning up will help me do just that.  I was on a roll with my positive attitude and I thought I had beat my depression/anger. This is to renewed hope in myself.

I don't think Simon will want to be friends with me even if he reads this blog, but I hope to God one day he can see that I do repent.  I will say this, regardless of whatever happens or what has happened, Simon was worthy of his vows. We make mistakes, but that doesn't make us lesser people. He is a good man, just one who lost his way for a little bit. I believe in this person more than I believe in anybody else, (other than myself).  He is a good man.