When I Grow Up...

Since I've been living once again with my grandparents, I have become used to cable television. And when I have to sit with my grandmother, I tend to do a lot of web surfing.  In between looking for a job, preparing for church, doing some photos here and there, I have not been very productive.  Actually, I just haven't been very motivated to do much of anything really.  My mind hasn't been as active, so therefore I have neglected thinking as well. But I need to get back into it because it's true what they say, "the mind is a terrible thing to waste." So here are my reflections from our service yesterday.

Patrick was busy in Jefferson City this week playing military man with the National Guard, so Pastor Joe took over. A lot of people get SO used to one preacher that when somebody else gives the sermon, they either a. Don't come to church, or b. nod off during the service.  Luckily, I like to hear what everyone has to say.  Everybody's approach to the Bible is different and hearing someone else's perspective is refreshing.

Today's scripture was the story about Jacob's Ladder.  I'm sure everyone knows the story, okay for those of you who don't, here it is. Jacob flees Beersheba when he catches wind that his brother is furious about the trickery Rebecca, Jacob's mother, played on his father Isaac.  Rebecca wanted badly for her favored son, Jacob, to inherit his father's property. Jacob's brother Esau vows to kill him, forcing Jacob to hit the road.  When Jacob reaches the city of Haran, he decides to take up camp.  That evening in his dreams, he sees a ladder (or staircase) and all the heavenly hosts (angels) are climbing up and down it.  God comes to Jacob in this dream and proclaims that Jacob's descendants will populate the world. They will spread north, south, east, west, all over.  So... here it is, Jacob becomes the progenitor of the 12 tribes of Israel. Ta da! Story in a nutshell! Feel enlightened?

Probably not right? Well, let's think about it for a minute. One minute Jacob is living this fantastic life. He is the younger of the twins, he is the one God has proclaimed to be the ruler over his older brother. Whether Rebecca shared this information with Jacob is uncertain, but what is certain is that Rebecca favored this child, providing him with a loving family environment. She knew what he was to be when he grew up, but because Esau was born first, he inherintly would be the one to gain his father's favor.  On a simple day when Isaac was becoming blind, his wife tricks him into believe Jacob is Esau.  Unfortunately, Jacob ends up running for his life.

Here's Jacob, in a foreign land, no family, probably the clothes on his back, an outcast.  Joe asked us today to close our eyes and remember back to when we were five or six years old. He asked us to remember what we wanted to be when we grew up.  I sat there, eyes closed, not remembering a thing. What I do remember is that when I was 8 or 9, I had enjoyed being a little kid.  I remember always thinking that I would always remember my childhood, and here I was in church, trying very hard to remember what I had wanted to be, and I couldn't.  I sat in my pew, as an adult, trying so hard to figure out, if I had ever gotten what I wanted.  For those few minutes I was able to relate to how Jacob must have felt; kind of lost, a little hopeless.

After church I texted my mother and I asked her, what did I want to be when I grew up.  I think she thought it was a trick question, because she asked me right back, "um... I don't know, what?" I reiterated that I was asking her, and her first response was a Mommy, which I laughed at!  I'm 32 years old, haven't had any real lasting relationships, and I wanted to be a Mommy?  You have to be good at relationships right to be a good Mommy? Anybody can make babies, but to be a good mother? I would assume having a man who you would be in a solid relationship with, would be there too.   But maybe she was right, I did like my dolls a lot!  Besides, my mother was an amazing mother who did it alone.

I've been thinking about it today, and I think Mommy may have been in there, but maybe I never really voiced what I wanted. I was such an imaginative child, maybe I wanted to be a story teller, maybe I wanted to be somebody who communicated.  The more I think about it, the more I begin to really see that communicating is something I really wanted to grow into.

Joe's ultimate message, and one that has been reiterated over and over again is that God is always there for us. He will protect us and guide us, even when we feel lost and abandoned.  He will make our lives GREAT!  I took a really good look at what Joe was saying and I realize just how good my life has been, even with all the pitfalls and stumbles.  I can be happy knowing that God has delivered me right to where I need to be at this point in my life. I am a work in progress. My desire to communicate with the world, whether it be through these blogs or through my work at church or in my daily life, I am fulfilling God's hope for me.  I have to have faith that He will give me what I want, even if I don't know right away that it IS what I want.

In the past month since I left Hy-Vee, I have felt truly blessed. My funds are dwindling, but I have been able to focus on what is most important in my life, and that is communicating. I want to do so much more, I want to make sure the drama is left out, and there is definitely a way to do that, through honesty. Honesty is the best way to make our lives as little complicated as possible. I believe that God brings people in and out of our lives, not to test us, but to make us better and stronger.  Sometimes we miss what he's trying to teach us, but He never gives up on us, no matter how bad we believe we may have screwed up.

Gassho.