Jekyll or Hyde...

I recently finished reading Robert Louis Stevenson's short novel, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Don't worry, I'm not going to give a review or report on this book as everyone has some idea of what the whole thing is about.

Okay, just a little bit of background. It isn't a scary story, at least for our time. We are so used to reading or watching terribly horrific fiction.  Close your eyes if you haven't read this book, but there is only one murder and it is nuthin like I've read in more modern books.  Jekyll/Hyde is not a murder mystery or a who-dun-it story. It is a psychological study on human nature. The other night, I texted a friend of mine, "do you think people can be inherently good or bad?" At first glimpse, yes, Dr. Jekyll is inherently bad. He lets his alter-ego, or as Freud would say, his ego take over.  He succumbs almost unwillingly to this part of himself that seeks out the pleasurable aspects of his life.  For Jekyll it wasn't an inherently good person, it was a person who was just plain bad, plain evil. Even the description of this Mr. Hyde repulses all who come into contact with him.  It isn't often that an author gives the reader an opportunity to "see" what evil looks like. Many of us where the masks of goodness, what society wants us to see, and that is Dr. Jekyll.

After having read this book, I took a good long look at myself and wondered... behind this innocent looking face is a mad woman. I wouldn't go out on a limb and say I'm evil, but I can be really bad.  I can be coniving and downright spiteful.  This is the part of me that I struggle with on a daily basis. I want to be a good person, I have been working to be a good person.  Last night I spoke to the first man that ever told me that he loved me.  He told me how wonderful of a person I am and that I deserve so much happiness. We broke up nearly 8 years ago, and I know the person that I was deep down inside. I wanted adventure, I wanted an exciting life. With him I was on a path of marriage, kids, happy home in the suburbs.  I knew though that I wasn't ready for that life. I wasn't sure if it was a life I ever wanted. Hell, I was 23 years old, I knew nothing about what I wanted.  But I knew that the person this man loved was not the real me. I was raging against myself on the inside, I needed to get out. When I think about the transition I made then, I realize that I let out my Mr. Hyde.  I wanted to satisfy every innate part of nature within my being.

I will be 32 this year and I have satisfied that part of me that I thought would make me happy. Now I feel trapped into an endless cycle of bad choices. I have become an almost hateful person at times. I expect so much from others and am endlessly disappointed when they don't return what I need from them.  This is a part of me that has manifested over time by the bad decisions I have made.  I'm really making myself sound like a terrible person.  To me I am a terrible person, and I think a lot of people would think that I am not really, but to feel this way on the inside is what is torturous.  What bothers me is that people think I'm good, but they only see what I let out. The part that bothers me the most is that all these things on the inside that make me the bad person that I am is done through desperation. I am desperate at this point in my life. I want things to go right for me at all costs.  All costs though generally leads to all loss, leaving me angrier and more desperate.

Right now I am Mr. Hyde, but I desperately want to Dr. Jekyll. I know that I am a good person, I want my life to be healthy, mentally as well as physically. I want to be happy and I'm not. I think only when I can quell the rage of my Mr. Hyde then I can live life freely. What scares me is that I'm not sure Jekyll is strong enough. My focus is empowerment and if I want to really love and offer the best I can to this world, then I must, I must overcome this part of me that I want so badly to be rid of.

My ex-boyfriend told me over and over last night how I am such a wonderful person. I know I can be, and that is really what I want more than anything.  I believe that we are both good and bad, but sometimes we let the bad take over for too long. I am ready to let Jekyll, the good nature of my being, take over again.