So, I met a guy on Friday night and he told me his nickname and I told him mine. Being that I hadn't had much to drink, I offered him a ride home...he's one of those bike dudes who doesn't believe in having a car. He was going to take the bus home, but I took him. When I dropped him off, he asked me inside. I basically told him that if I was 23, then I probably would. He tried to persuade me with the age is irrelevant thing. Then of course I had to spell it out for him. "I DON'T GO HOME WITH GUYS THAT I JUST MET AT A BAR ANYMORE." That's what I meant when I said I wasn't 23 anymore. At this point, I respect myself too much to let myself feel like crap for staying with some guy I don't know. And what do you know, 10:30 Saturday morning, I received a phone call from a guy asking me out on a date. I know I gave him my number, but I didn't expect the turnaround to be so quick on that one. Very cool I must say. So, I have a date on Wednesday.
Back to Valentine's Day. I went to lunch with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in about eight years. We went out to the Legends and had a good time and it felt great to catch up. Later that night I went out with the guy I have been dating for about the past five weeks. He had free tickets to see B.B. King at the Midland and it was a great show. B.B. told a lot of stories, and didn't sing much, but it was worth it to see a legend. My experience waiting in the line for the bathroom between the sets was more enlightening however than seeing B.B. Some girl had just become engaged and was talking with some other ladies about how happy she was. I thought about my company that evening and I thought about the possibility of having a long-term thing with this person, and I immediately felt ill. Not that he makes me feel ill, but spending a life time with somebody makes me feel a little scared inside. I had this nauseous feeling overwhelm me. I felt bad for being out with him because I felt like I might be wasting his time. I know that I enjoy his company, but when I think of a future, I don't know what I see. I probably shouldn't have been eavesdropping because it made me think too much about what the future holds, rather than what's going on in the present. I thought maybe I should end things with him, but now that I've thought about it, I know I need to just chill out and live in the moment. He's really cool and I've always enjoyed his company. I think that there are people out there who's sole intention is to get married and I let their sick determination freak me out a little. Well, A LOT because I felt compelled to write about it. Now I feel bad that I have a date with someone else.
I've never really thought much about marriage or a life partner situation until recently. There is one guy out there who I can truly say, "I just knew." I always thought it was weird when people said that, but I know the feeling and it's powerful. It's unfortunate that it ended and it was extremely heartbreaking. My friend Mike and I discussed this feeling and he stressed that maybe there is more than just one right person for everybody in the world. Perhaps, he's right. But if he's wrong, then it looks like I'm going to spend my life alone. Ah! Every time I date somebody new I compare him to this one man and nobody for some reason has measured up. Have I made myself too picky? I don't want to settle for anybody, I want somebody that is right for me. I don't want somebody that only thinks romantically of me on Valentine's Day or that has to pay for everything. I want somebody to respect my desire to be self-sufficient. I want somebody who won't think that success is something we must compete over. I want somebody who is loyal and giving. I have found the qualities that I want in a man in one person and I know that somebody else will embody them someday. I just have to let others in to show me. For now though, I'm going to enjoy what I've got and who knows what the future holds. I'm not gonna worry too much about it.
TMI? Get over it!
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