On Being Happy

Tonight when I left work, Reuben in our Wine & Spirits department said that it was good to see me back to my old self.  I asked him what he meant, and he told me that I am happy again.  He said that during the month of November, I was very negative and moody and not that great to be around.  He asked me if I had a "new" man in my life and for the first time I discussed what happened in December outside of my immediate group of friends.  

He told me it was unfortunate about what had happened with "the man" and I acknowledged it because I never gave this guy a chance to know me.  Reuben, who I have known for more than a year, could see a difference in my behavior. The guy who I met a month before I left for France wouldn't have ever known that I'm generally a VERY happy person.  I'd say he got the short end of the stick when he got involved with me.  Bad timing I guess?  Reuben asked me if I was going to try to get back together with him and I hesitated because there are things about this guy that I find very admirable and would have liked to know better.  But this point though, I don't want to try anything really, other than establishing a friendship maybe.  I simply told Reuben, he doesn't know me.  At this point, I'm not sure if he even wants to know me.  I thought maybe the barriers were coming down and we were going to have a chance at a friendship, but I guess I not enough time has passed for him or he can't forgive me.  We all make mistakes in life, we all have regrets, and I sincerely think I have learned from this one.  I don't want to be faulted or judged base on my display of irrational emotions and I'm afraid that's what's happened.  I've tried to block thinking about these things because in my heart I know that things as they happened shouldn't have.  It just sucks knowing that there is a person out there who you may have really liked to have been a part of your life that thinks you are somebody completely different than who you really are because you've shown him/her a screwed up side to yourself. 

Matthew 18:21 says "then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven."  

But how many times do you ask for forgiveness? The Bible is vague in this respect. I think you are just supposed to ask for forgiveness once and move on.  God forgives your sins against others if you truly mean it, but what if you feel in your heart that what you've done isn't worthy of another human's forgiveness? Do you continue to ask?  Maybe you're supposed to find out how your actions hurt that other person.  Or maybe, regardless of how great I've been feeling lately, I still haven't forgiven myself.  I know I said I did, but have I really?  Everyday when I wake up I ask for forgiveness from God because I know that I make mistakes.  I also thank him for my healing. When I can forgive myself completely, I know that will be when I am truly healed.

Back to my conversation with Reuben...

I asked Reuben, would you want to date the Angie that came to work in November and December?  He said that he really liked me, not to say that he didn't like me while I was a Negative Nancy, but that he preferred the old Angie, the Happy Angie.  And I agree, there is nothing that makes me more motivated and free spirited then being a Positive Polly.

This week I received a phone call and a letter to let me know that the places where I had interviewed had gone with other candidates.  In November, when nobody was calling me, I was super depressed and unwilling to take any action in finding new employment.  In December, I didn't even want to try.  When I told myself in January that things would be okay and that I would get back to where I was before, I started putting more effort into finding a job. I have called for interviews, I have followed up after interviews.  I may still be looking for the right job, but I haven't been discouraged because I am relatively happy doing what I'm doing for now.  It doesn't disgust me every day to help customers. I don't dread going into work.  I'm going there because I make a difference, not just for the company, but in the lives of those around me.  I look around at the people I work with and I tell myself, "you may not always get along with them all, but that's what keeps the balance."  

So right now, I am happy and it makes me confident in myself.  I wonder what I'll be like when I've completely forgiven myself and truly happy.  Maybe I won't have to put so much effort into the happiness that I've got going on right now!  :)