Why I Hate Marijuana by Angie Colina

I wrote this as a private blog two weeks before I turned 28, I was dating a guy named Tom from the Claire McCaskill campaign.  He was really awesome and we're still friends.  But my ex-boyfriend came back into my life and conflicted me. I was stuck with having to make a decision between Tom and Graham.  In the end, I chose neither one.  I'm posting this here because I find myself believing the same things. It's reassuring to know that I've stuck to my beliefs and that I still hold myself to the standards that I set for people who enter my life.  And I recently used some of these words with my newest ex.  It's so interesting to see that I stayed true to myself.

I have no contact with Graham anymore, so I used his name freely.

When I was 25 years old, I met a man, a boy really, by the name of Graham Dixon.  He asked me out and I thought he was so cute, so who was I to say no.  I like to give people chances and this one looked too good to pass up.  Graham and I went to The Newsroom on Broadway for our first date.  Every time he would pass the cue to me, he would touch my hand.  I had dated lots of guys, but I had never been looked at the way he looked at me.  It's like he was mesmerizing me and I would've believed anything he told me....and I did.  

There always comes that time when you're with somebody and the "drug conversation" comes up.  I told him the honest to God truth about my drug use, I only smoke a little marijuana and on very rare occasions.  I don't like the feeling it gives me is what I told him.  I even told him that I had done cocaine before and really liked it, but didn't do it because I know that I could become addicted to it.  And you know what he said, he told me that he didn't smoke that often either.  I was impressed that I had found a pretty good one who I could have fun with if the moment arose. 

Fast forward six months later, Graham and I are into each other. We spent a week with each other to see if we could be together for an extended period of time.  The only problem with Graham was that he liked to smoke far more than I did, and when he did, it was a big thing.  The fourth of July was one of those occasions. Instead of coming with a bunch of us to see fireworks on the river, he stayed back with my roommate and this guy John to smoke themselves silly.  I remember talking to Wade, one of Graham's friends about weed and the positive and negative effects, we agreed, like all things, weed should be smoked in moderation.  Too much of any one thing is never a good thing.  

After the Fourth of July, Graham became distant and started smoking on a regular basis.  He became moody and standoffish.  Anytime I'd bring up the weed thing, he would get really angry with me and not talk to me.  He called into work frequently and stayed home a lot to play video games.  It was really bizarre and I didn't know what to do.  It's like he was angry with me for some reason and I tried my best to figure it out.  His attitude rubbed off on me and I tried my damnedest to please him and make him see me differently.  I hadn't done anything to him, I was concerned about him.  I loved him.  

In September it all started to fall apart.  One morning, he was getting ready for work and he fell in the kitchen. I came out and asked him if he was okay.  Before, Graham used to tell me how great if felt to be cared for.  Later that week, we were arguing about something ridiculous, and he said that it really annoyed him that I had come out to make sure he was okay.  Then he confessed to me that the week before we had met, he and his roommate had skipped work the entire week and sat in their apartment and had gotten stoned and played video games.  I was so shocked, I started crying at Da Bronx while eating a slice of pizza.  He came over and tried to console me, but all I could think of was how he had lied to me, he had tricked me into being with him.  

What made it even worse, was that I had become his accomplice.  That summer after the Fourth, Graham had started selling drugs.  I have a friend who used to sell the stuff in large quantities. Graham told me that his roommate wanted a pound to sell to people at work. Being the naive, stupid girl that I was, I believed it and went and got a huge amount for him.  Turns out, every time we would go to a friend of his' house, we weren't just stopping by to say hello, he was dealing.  I didn't go with him always, but this is why he stopped going to work all the time.  This was Graham's new job.  

Here I was;  sitting next to a man who I had fallen in love with, who had never been completely honest with me.  He said that anytime he thought about me, that he would get pissed and annoyed because I was the reason he stopped smoking.  I had never asked that of him because I didn't know he was a stoner.  I would never ask anybody to change for me as I wouldn't change for anyone else.  

Graham and I broke up the day after Halloween, I tried for a month to deal with it.  I had invested nearly a year of my time working on a relationship with him and I didn't want to deal with the emotions of breaking up.  It was not something I looked forward to, but I let my anger eat me up inside and I blew up at him. I broke things off so violently, it still hurts to think about.  And it was horrific, I still loved him and it took about 3 months to finally get away from him.  I was so hurt and so sad that I had let a LIAR into my heart.  I had to move to Florida to get away from him.  And then one day, when I recognized that Graham had never had my best interest at heart, and that he had put me in danger, my heart was relieved.  

Graham recently tried to come back into my life; a year and a half later.  I considered it, but when I remembered the lies and the heartache, I couldn't allow it. As much as I still loved him, and as much as I think I always will, I can't let him.  I think a renewed relationship with him would be different and based on honesty.  I really cared about this man and I would like to give him another chance, but I'm not sure I can trust my heart to him again. 

Thinking of Kahlil Gibran's quote, "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."

Graham has come back, maybe he is supposed to be mine, but I'm not positive I want to be his. 

Since our breakup, I have guarded myself and not let anybody in too close.  If I am to find somebody, I want that person to be forthright about themselves and to be honest with me.  A relationship can never be built upon lies.  If I'm going to love again, I will make sure that he is worthy of me.  I may  not be a fan of marijuana, but I don't think I would have been so against his use had he told me.  I will always have my opinions about weed, but I wouldn't ask anybody to quit for me.  I can never ask that because I like to use it myself on VERY RARE occasions, but I will be vocal in my sentiments regarding long term use, but that's because I don't like to see people dependent on drugs.  I have researched the drug extensively and I know what it does to the brain.  It's not a medication to cure anything, it's a downer and it has been linked to worsening depression in those who have it. If it is to be used, it should be used recreationally only.    

I think Graham was depressed and being that I'm a very caring person, I tend to absorb the feelings and sentiments of others. I believe my depression is linked to him.  I believe that guarding myself for the time-being is necessary as I don't think I want to be hurt like that again.  Love is a complicated thing, and I want to wait for somebody who is worthy of me.  I think I'll know it when I see it.  

Fully Disclosed: The Transfigured One

If you've ever gone to church or are religious at all, you know that Jesus took Peter, James and John to a mountain top where he revealed himself fully to them.  It finally dawning on the Apostles that Jesus was the Son of God.  So, basically they were able to see what was on the inside.  Jesus was fully divine, this and that, and he had been transfigured right in front of their eyes.  Could you imagine this happening?  Well, my friends, transfiguration happens right in front of our eyes on a daily basis. Sometimes we fail to see it or ignore it, but there are people in our lives who truly let us see them on the inside.  Our outsides become one with our inside and we are truly transformed and beautiful.

Transfiguration:

• a marked change in form of appearance; a metamorphosis
  
• a change that glorifies or exalts

According to my pastor, we work so hard sometimes on our outside appearance that we neglect the inside.  And sometimes we do it the other way around, but usually its the first one that we commit to.  I've been guilty of this, if only I could look fantastic on the outside or I achieve the goals I feel I'm supposed to, then everyone will accept me.  But really, it's not this outside person that I want accepted, it's my inside character.  I have been working so hard to be able to live up to the person that I know I am on the inside and I want people to know this part of me.  It's so hard when others are unwilling.  But God knows my heart, He knows me better than anyone else, and he knows that I am worthy.  Patrick said that in God's eyes we are lovable and will be accepted by those who chose to see us.  Those who choose to listen to us.  

In church, I feel whole, I feel that everything will work out. I feel that I will be reconciliated with those in my life who I feel I've hurt.  But outside the walls of church, I feel like those who I need in my life don't know what I know. They don't want to hear me...all I want is to listen and to be heard because I love.

Why does it consume me?

I'm fucking depressed...again.  Everything is going so well and the past three days I've been in a funk. I need to leave town I think.  Ugh, I wish I could just get over this bullshit. Why does this happen? Up until Saturday, my mind was in the right place, I've been doing what I want, I've been very confident in myself.  I want out of this shitty illness.  Screw it, I WILL get out of it. Mind over matter right? 

Networking & Making a Difference

Once you put your name out into the public domain and you start asking questions, the doors just seem to swing wide open.  My first article for The Raytown Post will be published next Thursday and I couldn't be more excited.  I seriously haven't done much to pursue this, other than harass the editor and CEO of the paper.  I guess that is being persistent and motivated to go after what you want. I've never written journalistically and this first article was laden with opinions, which the editor cleaned up.  We've had a few meetings in regards to this, but being that this publication is just now becoming noticeable in the community again, I think they are willing to take a chance with me. I'm excited because I get to grow and develop my writing skills at the same time the paper is developing. It's an exciting time and I am ready for the adventure.

I interviewed three people at first, and once word got out that I was writing about this particular subject, people were coming to me.  My name and number was passed around and I have received so much information in regards to my subject, it's almost overwhelming.  I feel like I'm becoming more informed and that's the most exciting thing about this new job.  I'm meeting tons of people and I'm sure I will meet many more.  

When I was younger I was very intimidated by people that were more informed than me. I strayed away from people that I found to be more intelligent.  Now, it's reassuring that people with information and knowledge are always eager to share what they know.  It's exciting to pick their brains and find out what they're thinking.  What's even better, is that knowledgeable people usually know where to find even more knowledgeable people. The networking system is fascinating.  I've always enjoyed doing research and now that I can publish what I'm learning allows for people to be more readily able to talk to you.  I'm sure I'll encounter a time when people don't want to talk, but that's okay. That's a task I'll have to confront when I come to it.

When I first started this blog, it was in response to the death of my sister's friend Joe Alabarces.  I wanted to Live Like I Were to Die Tomorrow, and Learn Like I Were to Live Forever.  I've learned so much and I intend on continuing on.  Learning so much makes me know that I'm meeting the goal of Living Like I'm going to die tomorrow. I think if I were to suddenly be taken from the earth tomorrow, I would feel like my life has been worth it. 

What is Love?

If any of you have read my blog recently, you have noticed that I installed an application called, "Quote of the Day." And what do you know, I get to see a new enlightening quote every day.  It's nice to read what others think about certain things and today's was about love.  Because I won't post this in an e-mail until tomorrow, this is the quote for Thursday, February 19th, 2009.

Authentic love always assumes the mystery of modesty, even in its expression, because actions speak louder than words.  Unlike feigned love, it feels no need to set a conflagration.

-Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

I couldn't agree with those words more.  With Valentine's Day behind us, I agree with the quote even more.  Why is it we find that we must express our love with an overindulgence of flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, teddy bears and the rest of that mushy-gushy stuff that doesn't make any sense.  Why do we need a day to express our love towards another? If your love is true, then it shouldn't have to be shown in these elaborate displays.  These material things mean nothing.  When the person I love puts his hand in mine, that is the love I know to be true.  Real love is when the other cares about the well-being of another, when that person recognizes when the other needs to be alone, when that person provides warmth by taking the person he or she loves when the blanket isn't enough.  The simplicity of an unexpected kiss is all one really needs.

Today at work, this boy in Customer Service told us how he spent so much on his girlfriend on Valentine's Day and Christmas.  He was talking about his one-year anniversary and how he had to top those other occasions.  Reava and I told him to keep it simple.  I said, if you have to buy her flowers, just buy her one single rose to symbolize your year together, and then tell her how much she means to you.  He argued that he was going to buy her diamond earrings and flowers and this and that, la de da!  We told him, if you give too much, then she'll always expect too much and won't recognize your true feelings for her.  After that, the love is gone and she will take advantage of you.  

When I was 22, my boyfriend Jamie would always buy me things.  I tell everyone I meet that I don't want flowers, I don't want silly gifts.  I came home one day after working a VERY long shift at Worlds of Fun and my Aunt Judy and Uncle Matt were in town. They both had these mischevious grins on their faces, like something was up.  As I looked around the room, I saw it.  A stuffed teddy bear with roses and a card from Jamie. My Uncle Matt teased, somebody really loves you.  I don't know how many times I had told Jamie that I didn't like those types of things and he still went and did it anyway.   I don't want those things, I don't expect much in the area of gifts. All I expect is to feel respected.  And that's all I feel is necessary to give in return.  Teddy Bears and cutesy stuff like that are generic. They aren't things that I need or even want.  If spending your money on me is what you want to do, I have a credit card bill that could afford to be paid off.  It's all about respect for me and in all forms.  

So, loving somebody isn't all about the show.  Just remind the person you love that you do love them, by doing the little things.  

Valentine's Day

So my Valentine's Day was something else and unlike any other V-Day that I've had.  Usually I have to work or something.  This year, for some reason I thought I'd take the day off and I didn't really think about it.  I guess it helps that I think Valentine's Day is one of the most unromantic and thoughtless days of the year.  If somebody is in love with me, why can't they say it on a daily basis?  I would think that if you are with somebody, you should treat them right regardless of the day.  Besides, it's far too commercial and I think Hallmark has too big of a hand in it.  That reminds me, I should check their website to see if they have any jobs available.  Okay, I'm back. Nothing good this week!

So, I met a guy on Friday night and he told me his nickname and I told him mine. Being that I hadn't had much to drink, I offered him a ride home...he's one of those bike dudes who doesn't believe in having a car.  He was going to take the bus home, but I took him.  When I dropped him off, he asked me inside.  I basically told him that if I was 23, then I probably would.  He tried to persuade me with the age is irrelevant thing. Then of course I had to spell it out for him.  "I DON'T GO HOME WITH GUYS THAT I JUST MET AT A BAR ANYMORE." That's what I meant when I said I wasn't 23 anymore.  At this point, I respect myself too much to let myself feel like crap for staying with some guy I don't know.  And what do you know, 10:30 Saturday morning, I received a phone call from a guy asking me out on a date.  I know I gave him my number, but I didn't expect the turnaround to be so quick on that one.  Very cool I must say.  So, I have a date on Wednesday. 

Back to Valentine's Day.  I went to lunch with a friend of mine who I haven't seen in about eight years. We went out to the Legends and had a good time and it felt great to catch up.  Later that night I went out with the guy I have been dating for about the past five weeks.  He had free tickets to see B.B. King at the Midland and it was a great show.  B.B. told a lot of stories, and didn't sing much, but it was worth it to see a legend.  My experience waiting in the line for the bathroom between the sets was more enlightening however than seeing B.B.  Some girl had just become engaged and was talking with some other ladies about how happy she was.  I thought about my company that evening and I thought about the possibility of having a long-term thing with  this person, and I immediately felt ill. Not that he makes me feel ill, but spending a life time with somebody makes me feel a little scared inside.  I had this nauseous feeling overwhelm me. I felt bad for being out with him because I felt like I might be wasting his time.  I know that I enjoy his company, but when I think of a future, I don't know what I see.  I probably shouldn't have been eavesdropping because it made me think too much about what the future holds, rather than what's going on in the present. I thought maybe I should end things with him, but now that I've thought about it, I know I need to just chill out and live in the moment. He's really cool and I've always enjoyed his company. I think that there are people out there who's sole intention is to get married and I let their sick determination freak me out a little.  Well, A LOT because I felt compelled to write about it.   Now I feel bad that I have a date with someone else. 

I've never really thought much about marriage or a life partner situation until recently.  There is one guy out there who I can truly say, "I just knew." I always thought it was weird when people said that, but I know the feeling and it's powerful. It's unfortunate that it ended and it was extremely heartbreaking.  My friend Mike and I discussed this feeling and he stressed that maybe there is more than just one right person for everybody in the world.  Perhaps, he's right. But if he's wrong, then it looks like I'm going to spend my life alone.  Ah!  Every time I date somebody new I compare him to this one man and nobody for some reason has measured up.  Have I made myself too picky?  I don't want to settle for anybody, I want somebody that is right for me.  I don't want somebody that only thinks romantically of me on Valentine's Day or that has to pay for everything. I want somebody to respect my desire to be self-sufficient. I want somebody who won't think that success is something we must compete over.  I want somebody who is loyal and giving.  I have found the qualities that I want in a man in one person and I know that somebody else will embody them someday.  I just have to let others in to show me.  For now though, I'm going to enjoy what I've got and who knows what the future holds. I'm not gonna worry too much about it.

TMI?  Get over it!

What Would You Want to Do?

Yesterday I was asked the question, "if there was anything you could do, what would it be?"  I sat in front of my friend and stared at him blankly. I honestly couldn't think of anything right off.  I had to think about it for a minute.  I thought to myself, I've done the Rip Cord at Worlds of Fun. I've been hiking tons, I want to go skiing, but it's not that pressing of an issue. I don't want to skydive, I was at a loss really. So I asked him and he gave me a very definitive answer and then he acknowledged that he would never actually be able to do it because of a health issue.  We were thinking of two totally different things which made it easier for me to explain what I wanted to do.

I looked across the table and I said, "I don't want my career to define me." I couldn't believe these words were coming out of my mouth.  A month ago as I sat talking to Agent "J," my belief was so much different. I was upset because I was working at a Hy-Vee as a One Hour Photo manager.  As January and February have progressed, I have felt more sure of my place in the world. I have been doing the things that make me happy and as a result I have been finding it easier to be confident in myself. I have made many new friends and have felt comfortable in my day to day life.  I wake up in the morning and I don't wonder, what am I supposed to be doing with my life? I get up, tackle the obligations of work to pay for my living situation and then I do all the other things I want.  I have found that it is relatively easy for me to write and once I started writing this blog I knew that I was very comfortable with it and I started finding a way to be published.  Last week I was hired to do freelance work for the Raytown Post. This is my opportunity to prove myself as a writer. It's kind of daunting because my name will be attached to an article.  People that I don't know will be reading what I have to say.  

This blog is a part of who I am, my writing is a part of who I am.  I don't think though that it defines me as a  person. It's all the other things that go into.  I don't think a career can make or break you.  If you are lucky enough to work in an environment doing what you love most, then kudos.  If not, the only thing you can do is fulfill the time you have doing what you want most.  It's simple really. 

But Agent "J" thank you for your words.  I now don't expect Hy-Vee to define me as a person. It is only a means to a paycheck.  I am the one who defines me. xoxoxo!

T.M.I...Really?

Last night I went out to the Czar Bar with my friends Mark and Sarah.  Two of the bands playing were a Joy Division (Unknown Pleasures) cover band and a Misfits (Bloodfeast) cover band. It was  a lot of fun, but Sarah and her friend left after the Misfits tribute because Sarah gets tired easily now because of her pregnancy.  So Mark and I stayed and instead of listening to the band,  we had a really good conversation. We talked about this blog and how he gets it through Reader when I post them.  I asked him his opinion and all he said was, "TMI (too much information)"  And here's the thing about Reader on Gmail, it posts all of my blogs even if they are drafts and I choose not to make them public.  I've reread some of the public blogs and I don't think they delve too deeply into my personal life.  The only one may be my Agent "J" blog.  Sorry about that Mark! But I told him, that this blog is my therapy, my outlet to explore my feelings and thoughts.  I make it public because you never know who may benefit from the things going on in your brain.  I told him that he didn't HAVE to read them.  He said he did have to and he did read them anytime I posted them.  I guess being that I consider Mark to be my Best Friend, I appreciate the fact that he wants to read about my thoughts.  Maybe he's right, maybe there is too much, but I find it so healing to write.  I'm not very open with people about what's going on in my head, but this helps me find a way to discuss them in  a public way that is comfortable to me.  I don't always know who reads my blogs because not everyone comments, but it's not that important.  After I've written them, I'm pretty much done unless I'm wanting to make a statement like in "Culture Shock," and "Culture & Globalization." 

I think my blogs have made me more open and more able to express my opinions.  I haven't had an in depth conversation with Mark in quite some time. I believe those conversations are reserved for Sarah now and I completely respect that.  But it was good to know that Mark and I can still hang out, have a good time, and share our worries and thoughts.  I value our friendship so much and it's a relief that he is still supportive of my healing and my determination to tackle my depression.  I won't discuss what he said as it is not my place to discuss his issues and concerns. But we talked a little about my gratitude towards Jason to end things with me. I told Mark that, his decision to do that was probably the best support I could have received from him.  In hindsight I see that I don't need anybody to hold my hand to make me feel whole.  If I were to do that,  I would feel indebted to him or her, and that's not something I want in my life.  Mark, Sarah and Ashley are  the three people I hold closest to me and they didn't hold my hand. They stressed that I had to figure this thing out on my own, that I had to fix myself before I could try to attempt a relationship with anybody.  That's the best support one can receive. They love me as I love them and they helped me recognize that this depression is mine and that I'm the one who has to battle it.  The battle is half over, and I WILL TRIUMPH!!!!!!

Was that TMI Mark?  Love to all!

Respect & Being Liked

On Monday I had an interview and one of the questions was whether it was better to be respected or liked.  For some reason this question tripped me up a little bit, but I was able to think AND talk my way through it.  I've thought about this question for the past couple of days and here is what I truly think.  For the interview I said that being respected was most important because you need people to do what you say when you want them to do something.  I said my employees respected me and that I run a very self-sufficient department at Hy-Vee and that I didn't particularly expect them to like me. 

Now for the reality of my department.  My employees talk back to me all the time and for the most part think they are smarter than me.  I don't necessarily care what they say because most of it, is just in fun.  My employees like me and our attitudes towards each is very laid back.  It's almost like we're family.  We've all worked together for so long, that it only seems natural to have the constant bickering. I know my employees like me because they trust me.  I've never had problems with any of them seeking me out for advice.  They know they can call me if they have special requests and because I'm willing to work with them, they are always willing to go above and beyond in their work.  And I appreciate that I'm liked by them.  I don't want my employees to be afraid of me, but they definitely know when they're pushing it with me.  They know when to back off. For example: Jay knows not to look over my shoulder when I'm writing an e-mail to a customer or somebody at another store.  He knows this bothers me more than anything and steers clear.  Unfortunately for Jay, he has seen the wrath of Angie once or twice and I think the others have just heard second hand from him.  And then there's my 18 year old Tyler who I have to remind constantly to clean the counters when he closes and to finish film orders before the end of his shift.  And then there's David, who is constantly trying to please me and do everything I say.  I have a small staff, but I'd say that there is a give and take with respect and being liked.  I think I balance both of them pretty well which makes work enjoyable.  My department basically runs itself and because we all have this dynamic, we are pretty cohesive and work towards the same goals.  We like each other and respect each other, so I don't think one is better than the other.

On Being Happy

Tonight when I left work, Reuben in our Wine & Spirits department said that it was good to see me back to my old self.  I asked him what he meant, and he told me that I am happy again.  He said that during the month of November, I was very negative and moody and not that great to be around.  He asked me if I had a "new" man in my life and for the first time I discussed what happened in December outside of my immediate group of friends.  

He told me it was unfortunate about what had happened with "the man" and I acknowledged it because I never gave this guy a chance to know me.  Reuben, who I have known for more than a year, could see a difference in my behavior. The guy who I met a month before I left for France wouldn't have ever known that I'm generally a VERY happy person.  I'd say he got the short end of the stick when he got involved with me.  Bad timing I guess?  Reuben asked me if I was going to try to get back together with him and I hesitated because there are things about this guy that I find very admirable and would have liked to know better.  But this point though, I don't want to try anything really, other than establishing a friendship maybe.  I simply told Reuben, he doesn't know me.  At this point, I'm not sure if he even wants to know me.  I thought maybe the barriers were coming down and we were going to have a chance at a friendship, but I guess I not enough time has passed for him or he can't forgive me.  We all make mistakes in life, we all have regrets, and I sincerely think I have learned from this one.  I don't want to be faulted or judged base on my display of irrational emotions and I'm afraid that's what's happened.  I've tried to block thinking about these things because in my heart I know that things as they happened shouldn't have.  It just sucks knowing that there is a person out there who you may have really liked to have been a part of your life that thinks you are somebody completely different than who you really are because you've shown him/her a screwed up side to yourself. 

Matthew 18:21 says "then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven."  

But how many times do you ask for forgiveness? The Bible is vague in this respect. I think you are just supposed to ask for forgiveness once and move on.  God forgives your sins against others if you truly mean it, but what if you feel in your heart that what you've done isn't worthy of another human's forgiveness? Do you continue to ask?  Maybe you're supposed to find out how your actions hurt that other person.  Or maybe, regardless of how great I've been feeling lately, I still haven't forgiven myself.  I know I said I did, but have I really?  Everyday when I wake up I ask for forgiveness from God because I know that I make mistakes.  I also thank him for my healing. When I can forgive myself completely, I know that will be when I am truly healed.

Back to my conversation with Reuben...

I asked Reuben, would you want to date the Angie that came to work in November and December?  He said that he really liked me, not to say that he didn't like me while I was a Negative Nancy, but that he preferred the old Angie, the Happy Angie.  And I agree, there is nothing that makes me more motivated and free spirited then being a Positive Polly.

This week I received a phone call and a letter to let me know that the places where I had interviewed had gone with other candidates.  In November, when nobody was calling me, I was super depressed and unwilling to take any action in finding new employment.  In December, I didn't even want to try.  When I told myself in January that things would be okay and that I would get back to where I was before, I started putting more effort into finding a job. I have called for interviews, I have followed up after interviews.  I may still be looking for the right job, but I haven't been discouraged because I am relatively happy doing what I'm doing for now.  It doesn't disgust me every day to help customers. I don't dread going into work.  I'm going there because I make a difference, not just for the company, but in the lives of those around me.  I look around at the people I work with and I tell myself, "you may not always get along with them all, but that's what keeps the balance."  

So right now, I am happy and it makes me confident in myself.  I wonder what I'll be like when I've completely forgiven myself and truly happy.  Maybe I won't have to put so much effort into the happiness that I've got going on right now!  :)

25 Things About Me

Okay, so everyday on Facebook I receive some kind of note from one of my 197 friends about 25 Random Things About Them.  I've never filled it out on Facebook because I don't want to be a follower, but I'll do it here cuz it looks like fun!  Here goes:

1.   I never paint my fingernails, but always my toenails.

2.   I don't know what color my hair is anymore.

3.   I love public speaking, it gives me a rush and makes me feel important.

4.   I wear tennis shoes to work everyday, but buy fancy ones in hopes that I'll get a job I can

      wear them to.

5.    I don't always wear underwear.

6.   Every time I go to the bathroom, I make sure to blow my nose and get all the boogers out.

7.    I stay at my grandparents 3 out 7 days a week.

8.   I want to have a kid, but not sure about getting married. I want him/her for myself.  If I 

       have to share, then I will.

9.    I was a really terrible soccer player in High School.

10.  I almost always have a crush on somebody.

11.  I have very vivid dreams

12.  I own a Princess Leia wig.

13.  I try really hard to be a vegetarian, but sometimes it's easier to eat meat.

14.  I used to love Voltron and I got myself the robot for Christmas.

15.  I listen to others complain and try to make them feel justified, but I could care less. 

16.  I haven't read a book in about 2 months, I find writing about my life more interesting.

17.  I want to be a photographer, graphic designer, and I writer.

18. I am very stubborn and will generally get what I want, eventually.

19.  I think I'm smart because I have educated opinions!!!

20. I want to finish my thesis.

21.  I am afraid that I want to do too many things and then I procrastinate and don't do any of            them.

22. I am going to run the Hospital Hill half marathon on June 6th.

23. I am going to refrain from drinking soda and alcohol until June 6th, big party after the race!

24. I think if you ask the Universe for what you want and believe you will get it, you will.

25. My Grandpa is my world. I probably love him more than I could ever love any other man.

I could keep going, but that's it just supposed to be 25...

Culture and Globalization

Many of you know that in September I wanted to go to France for a year to teach.  If you didn't know, then now you do. I got to France and basically turned right back around, but not without first exploring a little of Central Europe.  I enjoyed my touring immensely and it's an experience that I'm glad I was able to undertake.  However, I left Europe deeply saddened by what has happened on this planet. This is what I wrote when I returned to Paris.

Advancement in technology and intelligence is a great feat that we as humans have been able to accomplish.  The ability to travel around the world to destinations our ancestors never would have imagined of doing is fantastic.  However, I'm not so sure I think it's right that American Culture and Customs should be what the rest of the world adapts to.  I used to live in Ecuador and my belief has always been that if you travel to another country, you should learn about the customs of that country before venturing there.  If you move to another country, there is no question that you should learn those customs and try to adopt them in your life there.  The first time I ever made this realization was when I was thirteen years old.  Our family began attending the English Fellowship church.  I will admit that when you are in another country it is nice to be in communion from time to time with people from similar backgrounds.  On one Sunday morning, my Sunday School class visited the local bakery down the street and one of the girls in the group started yelling at the clerk in English, "I just want bread, why don't you understand."  He didn't understand because he only spoke Spanish!  I know we were just a group of immature teenagers, but I was astounded at this behavior.  After church that day, I went back to the bakery and apologized for what she had done.  Something about the situation just didn't feel right and I had to do something.  I've kept that memory alive and have always, always traveled with the intention of understanding a culture.  

I feel extraordinarily lucky that I was able to grow up in a household that always embraced the culture in which it was located.  In Ecuador, my sisters and I did not attend the International Schools where instruction was in English.  We went to local private schools where learning Spanish was not an option.  In joining these schools, we were able to assimilate into the culture.  My nickname in fifth and sixth grades was "Gringa Falceta," meaning Fake Gringa.  (Gringa being the female version of Gringo which is a derogatory term for Americans). 

When I went to Egypt, my intention was to learn about Arabic and Islamic Cultures. One of my greatest desires is to learn to speak Arabic more than I do.  I didn't go to Egypt naively.  I dressed appropriately and respected their customs.  I did not wear shorts or any suggestive attire.  I never dress provocatively anyway, but long sleeves and pants were my uniform.  Unless we were visiting the very touristy parts in the desert!  (sometimes you have to make exceptions)

When I went to Central Europe, I was disgusted with myself. I went to Austria without even knowing what language they spoke.  I had become what I feared most, ignorant.  Luckily on the plane ride over, I remembered that they spoke German there and fortunately I know a few German words and phrases.  Whew!  But I visited Prague and Krakow and didn't know any Czech or Polish. Needless to say I was very embarrassed in these countries having to rely on everyone else to speak English.  I lived up to the image of the Stupid, Arrogant American.  I will never do that again.  If I choose to visit another country, I will make sure that I study as much as I can and remember to visit the less touristy places. 

The Iron Curtain was lifted in the late 1980s making Central and Eastern Europe more accessible to Americans, but I don't know if this has been of any great benefit to the rest of the global society.  I see the same restaurants and stores all throughout the United States, what I don't want to see, are those same places on every continent.  Our differences is what makes our cultures unique.  For centuries, these cultures were cultivated and just within the last twenty years we have broken down those cultural differences.  On the one hand, it makes me sad that we are becoming a more homogeneous planet, but on the other, it makes me hopeful that we are becoming more and more tolerant of each other.  Then again, do we want to become the United States of the Earth.  I don't think I want that.  Does anybody really?  Tough call.

Why I Believe in God, a work in Progress

This will be an ongoing blog as I try the best way to phrase myself.  It can also be an interactive one that you can give your opinion on.  Approaching the subject of God and trying to understand His/Her existence is complicated and that's why I'm leaving this one open ended.  I very rarely touch on the subject or discuss my beliefs, but I am going to attempt it. 

Keep in mind that these are my instant thoughts and they may not be fully understandable yet.

Five years ago, I considered myself an atheist.  I would find every reason in the book not to believe in God.  I was on a quest for knowledge and to me, God just didn't make any sense.  God to me was a fairy tale, a made up fiction that helped humans get through their day to day lives.  Something to live for I suppose.  I stopped going to church and decided to look for the explanation of life in other areas.  I figured our brains were the most important organs to ever grace this planet, and I felt the answers would lie there.  I thought it was up to the brain to create this existence.  And it does, I truly believe in the importance of the human brain, but I also now believe in the importance of a Being greater than the human race to have allowed the creation of it. 

I consider myself a fairly educated person and in 2005, I wrote a paper for a history class about Abraham, the Patriarch of Judaism, Christianity and Islam.  What I found was astounding.  When I had believed in God as a child, teenager and young adult, I had never read the Bible.  Here I was, 27 years old, reading from the oldest version of the Hebrew Bible that I could find about the travels of Abraham from Ur to Canaan and then into Egypt and back to Canaan.  I found that these places had indeed existed (I knew Egypt existed), that perhaps Abraham actually had a place in history and that God did as well.  My paper's intent was to disprove the existence of God, but more than anything it made me question if God could actually have a role in the lives of humans after all.  Many people will question their faith, but after studying, I began to question my disbelief.  I had been convinced that God was not real, and here I was wondering...had I been wrong?  Is there more to this God thing?   Six years ago I began to study the history of the Christian church in order to disprove God. The history of Christianity is founded on the New Testament and is replete with the imperfections of man.  If I wanted to find truth I had to look behind the mistakes of humankind.  I had to find God behind those scriptures and words.  I couldn't look at the misgivings of fallible humans who have guided the church, I had to go deeper, older.  Of course the Old Testament was written by man as well, but the mystery of God and his interaction with humans is more visible and less tainted almost.  So I turned to the Hebrew Bible to find God.  In was in my quest to educate myself on Judaism that I found God.  From that point on, my faith became more pronounced and I was dedicated to understanding what God was all about.  My belief in Jesus as the Son of God was still hazy, but I figured if Jesus did indeed exist and was God's Son, then God himself would help me to realize this.  I didn't want to believe just because it was easy, I wanted to believe because it was intelligent in nature.  God, if He existed, along with Jesus would not be simple.  The Universe was created by this Being, so therefore, the belief in Him had to be complex.  

It's so easy to say, "I believe because I believe, because I have faith."  I wanted a reason to believe because if their truly was a God, then He/She gave me this brain to figure Him/Her out.  I wanted to live up to the abilities that God gave me.  I wanted to explore my capabilities.  And one night as I lay on the pullout sofa at my Father's apartment, God came to me. 

I was watching a documentary on PBS about the History of Physics.  Anything about history is compelling to me. When they began to talk about Albert Einstein, it all began to make sense.  In this generation, many scientist believe that science has basically disproved the existence of a Supreme Being.  But Einstein never wavered in his faith.  He had been able to break down the atom and unearth the power of its deconstruction.  He manipulated the smallest particle found in the Universe, but he remained faithful.  I can't say that I believe in God just because Einstein did, but once he was able to bend the atom, The Big Bang and the creation of the Universe was explainable.  He found the recipe for energy, and energy is how we came into being just as it will be what creates our end.  The one thing Scientists can't explain is how this energy was able to occur, and there my friends is where God is.  God is Energy, the single most powerful Being, Thing in the Universe.  That Bang put everything in motion and I believe that because of it, we are on a path cultivated by this God.  Everything that has happened in this Universe, this galaxy, this solar system, this planet has happened because of it.  

Many people question whether we are alone in this Universe and if we are truly God's chosen ones.  I don't know how that should shake one's faith.  If others exist out there, then they were part of this projection brought forth by this unleashing of energy.  They are on our same path if they exist, and if God is all powerful, all knowing, all mighty; then He of course is the same God that we worship.  And who's to say He's not the God that the Ancient Egyptians believed in? 

There are many theories that Christianity is just a recycling of ancient Gods used by the Sumerians, Akkadians, Egyptians...whatever.  Maybe it's just that they were just as interested in God and were figuring it out.  As humankind has advanced throughout history, it is evident that our capabilities and intelligence become more and more advanced.  Perhaps the ancient religions were building blocks to understanding God.  One thing is for sure, I believe in God and as fallible humans, I am willing to confess that even we may be wrong.  This understanding of God as we see Him/Her now has persisted through millenia, and I think one day, we may be able to understand God fully.  Maybe when the Universe reaches the end of its time, will be when we come to fully become One with God.

To be continued. This is so unchronologically developed right now.  It's a work in progress

Living Alone & Dying

Monday night was the most horrific experience I have ever had in my life!  I'm not going to dwell on it or tell the story again, but I went to the ER because of an allergic reaction to some over the counter sleep medicine.  I couldn't stop throwing up, I was super hot, and had this terrible pressure headache.  I feel better now, but all day today I felt like I had a hangover. Unfortunately I didn't have the pleasure of getting sloshed to get it.  So, this blog isn't about my sickness, it's about living alone.

What would have happened had I not been able to get to the hospital?  I was listening to the radio today and one of the stories was about a woman in Manhattan, KS who was dead in her house for five days before anyone knew about it. Even worse, she had a two year old child who they found in and out of consciousness.  This was so disturbing to me today as I had never thought about the possibility of dying and nobody knowing about it.  Luckily I have the best co-worker in the world whose persistent phone calls woke me up in the ER Tuesday morning.  I immediately texted my mother to call work for me.  One of the nurses told me I couldn't have my cell-phone on in the ER.  So, I was frantically texting people, including my co-worker to let them know where I was.

It wasn't til this morning that I realized the severity of the situation.  What if I had died? How long would it take my friends to realize I wasn't around? 

I'm not sure if I like this living alone thing.  It's nice to be able to walk around naked, but is it really worth it?  I know I'm looking into this too much, but Christi made a good point.  If you're not going to be at work, call; no matter what time it is.  I will always remember that, but I don't think I want to eat at home by myself ever again.  Okay...I'm done with this one.

The Alchemist

I just read my last blog and I mentioned "The Alchemist."  I recently wrote a letter about it and thought I'd post it here.  I'll change the names for anonymity.  "This may seem kind of repetitive for those of you that have been reading regularly)

Dear Balthazar,

I have a blog and before I left for France I wrote an entry describing my feelings about going.  To make a long story short, I didn't want to go anymore.  I knew that everything I wanted was here in KC.  I convinced myself though that I HAD to go to France so that I wouldn't regret anything I'd done in this life.  I was miserable in France and I decided to come home.  First though, I decided to go on a mini-tour of Central Europe.  My trip to Poland made my venture to Europe worthwhile a thousand times over.  On my last evening in Krakow I went out with a guy from Panama, who I had met at my hostel.  I told him that I had gone to France while knowing the whole time that I was supposed to have stayed in Kansas City.  I told him that I just "felt right" in this one place, like I was supposed to be there. I told him that I knew it all along, this was the place where I would become successful, find a life, find love, build a home, create lasting friendships.  Sometimes it takes a nagging within us to search high and low for these things, even if it takes us far from where we should have been all along.  He told me about "The Alchemist." I'm no dummy, of course I knew about Paulo Coehlo's novel.  He told me I had to read it because I knew where my treasure was and that for some reason I was trying to find it in all the wrong places  When I got back to Paris, I bought it.  I didn't need to read this book to know what I was supposed to do.  I just needed it to reiterate to myself that my feelings were normal.  I was in Paris, one of the greatest cities in the world, and I knew, like I knew before I left, that I belong in Kansas City.  I went against my gut instinct, spent a TON of money, just to end up where I knew I should be.  

That's why sometimes I think it's worth the struggle to seek what you know to be true, even if it means staying persistent in the face of doubt.   You and Desdemona were friends before you made the transition to dating.  Many say this is the best way to find a lover, and when it doesn't work out, it's easier to go back to being friends.  It seems as though you would like to be friends, but have given up because it appears that she doesn't want to.  That's just right now.  We all know that it takes time to reflect.  We all know that the transition from friend to lover changes the dynamic of that relationship. Going back to friendship can take time. That's why I think it's almost easier to become friends with ex's that you weren't friends with before.  Your future friendship with her is possible. You said it's possible for Prospero and I to be friends even though we were never that before.  I always feel that people come into your life for a reason, and some more so than others.  I have a weird feeling, kind of like my France feeling and I'm just not willing anymore to go against my gut instinct.

I didn't need to read "The Alchemist to understand this.  I just had to read it to know that in life all things are possible if you believe in it. 

Just some thoughts from Therapist Cap't Coco...Peace!

Eye of the Tiger in Kansas City

"Delano" and I have been friends on and off for about seven years.  This past summer, we had a bit of a fling that lasted about a month and a half.  The boy is extremely fickle about dating that he is very standoffish and tries to come off as non-caring when the person he is dating wants to try to get a little closer.  Quite frankly I don't care about dating "Delano" anymore now then I did then.  Truthfully I did want to see what would happen, but nothing did. He is a great guy, just a little insecure I think.  But I don't want to dwell on this, I just hope he can get past our summer thing and realize that we were just always meant to be friends.  I want him to realize that when I want to hang out, it doesn't mean that I want to pursue anything any further.  I value my friendships and being friends with him has always been fun and highly rewarding. I know that he has had problems with girls in the past that may have wanted more than he did, but that's not where I stand.  Friends only!

Okay, now for the Tigers!

Friday night, my friend Justin and I went to see the Republic Tigers at the Crosstown Station here in Kansas City. I haven't seen them play in town since the first time I randomly saw them a year and a half ago with my flame of the month Ryan.  When I saw them in England back in October, it was an incredible experience. Friday night was forgettable to say the least.  This is their hometown and the people that would have seen them a year a half ago were not at the show.  There was like some kind of secret list you had to get on in order to see them.  It was unnerving as the crowd was not as into them as they would have been had it been the regular crowd that supported them at the beginning.  Not to say that they didn't perform a great show, it's just that the ambiance was fake and contrived.  All these people were gathered to support a band they know about now because they play them on the radio.  Everybody knows "Buildings and Mountains," but what about "Contortionists," or "The Nerve?" In my opinion these two songs are by far the best songs on the album.  What a shame that the masses only hear what the radio wants them to hear.  I know the point of becoming a successful rock band is to have fans and make money doing what you love, but it sucks when the crowd that follows you is the crowd that more than likely followed Nickelback  five years ago because they were cool then.

Ugh...I love the Republic Tigers, but I don't like this atmosphere.

If you want to know about my experience with the Tigers in England...click the link below. 

Eye of the Tiger in England