Resolutions and Goals

Christmas dinner with the family was the first we've had in a few years. However, the conversation became the same one from years past. True to form, my father asked, "What are your goals for this coming year?" Of course, being the oldest, the question was directed towards me. Usually the first answer is the best answer. "I want to be a photographer; do more weddings." The question then goes to my sisters. Alexandra, "I want a teaching job." Alicia, "Probably going to Ecuador to work for Papi, I just have to see what I need to do first." Adriana (eleven years old), "get a job?"

Her response astounded me. I bewilderedly asked her, "a job?"

"Well, everybody is talking about jobs," she half whispered.

The conversation ended there. The question never quite made it to my Mom. It never really has. My mother's goals had always been my father's. My mother has her own life now. It seems to me, her goals should be her own and she should be posed the question. I asked her this evening what her goal for the year was and she told me that she wanted a new job. When I asked her what she wanted other than a job or money, she replied, "to spend more time with my parents." A noble goal and one worth striving for.

I'm reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh, Living Buddha, Living Christ and one of the chapters, "For a Future to be Possible," Hanh stresses the importance of re-rooting ourselves in our ancestral traditions. My parents divorced five years ago and I have repeatedly asked my mother to move back to Kansas City, nearer to her family. She always said she wouldn't because she loved Florida and that KC is too cold. My sisters Alexandra and Alicia live here in South Florida, but are young women cultivating their lives, and have little time for my mother. Our father lives in South America with our youngest sister. Luckily, he has a brother within walking distance from his home and five of his brothers and sisters live in the same city. He has a familial support system that will help build the foundation of Adriana's traditions. For this I am thankful.

Today I spent the afternoon at my Dad's apartment in Fort Lauderdale. I went for a long walk with Alexandra's roommate along the beach and had some of the best conversation I've ever had with another woman. Here was a person willing and capable of making a connection with another person. When we arrived back to the apartment, my Dad had come back with Adriana and we sat around the majority of the day as he worked. He has been working since I got her on Christmas Eve, without even stopping ON Christmas. I love my Father and I KNOW that he wants to provide for us, but when is work, enough?

As we were eating lunch yesterday (Saturday), I asked him, what is your goal for the New Year? He replied, "to open another store in Ecuador, I want to make 'La Bobina' a chain. And I would really like to have a FIFTH store by the end of the year, but at least a fourth." Again, the goal conversation started. My reply, "to be a photographer." I know this goal conversation is not really about simple accomplishments, it's the "what-am-I-going-to-get-out-of-this-goal" conversation. And the accomplishment should be, "money, success, recognition." Alexandra asked me, "but what is your goal? Ten weddings, twenty, thirty? It has to be a tangible goal." I simply said that I wasn't going to put a number on it because if I do, and then don't reach it, then I fail. "But that's why you set a goal," she says. "I guess I don't have a monetary goal."

I didn't make this decision because I don't have aspirations or because I'm complacent with my financial place, it's because I intend on enjoying my life. When I take photographs, I capture a moment. It's a medium I have discovered that helps me identify emotions in life. I really love photography, but I'm not sure I want it to be how I DEFINE my life. I want my life to be about the connection I have to the people I share my world with. I enjoyed every minute of walking with Danaysha today and it felt wonderful to open my life to somebody who has never known much about me and I very much enjoyed listening to her thought about her life. We come from two very different places on the planet, but as human beings, we still have a commonality, trying to understand the world we live in. We are trying to make sense of it and by creating a connection with another person, we are getting closer to it.

So my goal this year is to continue finding those connections that bind us all together whether I capture it through the lens of a camera, or through a simple conversation.

To Blog or Not to Blog

That is the definitive question.

I started writing this blog over a year ago and I have enjoyed immensely sharing my feelings with everyone I know and with those I don't. Now the question is, do I continue or do I bring it to an end. It's a hard question because it is dedicated to Joe because he said to learn like you were going to live forever. Obviously I haven't stopped learning, nor will I ever. Learning and gaining wisdom is ongoing. So, this blog is about making that decision. These are my thoughts, unorganized and random.

A few months ago I met my newest friend while out with another. I was in one of my rare moods and was just talking about myself and telling stories. I'm not a very outgoing person most of the time, but there was an energy that allowed me to just be myself. Of course, my new friend found me on Facebook and found the link to this blog. For the first time ever, I found somebody that had something to say about my blog. It is interesting when you find another soul who can relate to you. Somebody that won't tell you that you're longwinded. Rather this person was able to see what it was I was learning from my everyday experiences. The Conversation hasn't ended... and I love learning from him as well. This is why I haven't been blogging as much.

Tonight we talked about how we must live in a world with other people and how it's difficult to sometimes be patient with others who are not mindful of the present moment. I think most often about my immediate co-workers. I love them all, but I find it extremely hard to help them understand that we live in the now, we live with these other human beings that have needs and requests. I experience from my co-workers a lot of impatience when store personnel or our vendors and reps need things from us. We are there to help them. What I can never understand is how the others I work with can become irritated with these requests. Today I said it, "it's our job, it's their job, we have to work together." I've been having an issue lately at my place of employment with the lack of understanding teamwork. We live in the world with other people, we are going to work with others. In life and in work, shouldn't we have a common goal?

I believe in teamwork, at all levels. In a relationship, teamwork is key. This isn't just in man/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner/partner relationships, it's ALL of them. I have a relationship on every level at my place of employment. Recently, one of my former employees, reminded me that I am not a part of "that" department anymore. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter if I am working in it on a daily basis. I CERTAINLY helped build it and while I work in that store, I will continue to do what I think is necessary to make it successful. I don't appreciate it when somebody tells me that it's not my concern anymore. Of course, it's my concern. I want to make sure my place of employment doesn't go out of business so I can still have a job that I very much enjoy. Everybody at my work has the right to make decisions about selling an item. We are all responsible for it, even at the most basic level.

My point? Working with others is essential for human survival. I mean, we're not going to figure out the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict without working together. There's a solution out there, it just takes some TEAMWORK!

But patience is what I'm learning from my new friend and how to be mindful of the present moment and to act, rather than react. In the long run, your present actions affect your future. I want everyone to be able to understand the importance and the significance of living in harmony with others. I become impatient when I cannot reach another person. I believe that everyone has the capability of being compassionate towards one another. Without other humans, we cannot exist.

Back to my question... do I continue or not? I believe so. It really helps me analyze what I've been thinking. I have found one person out there who wants to learn from his surroundings and his life. I'm sure there are many more out there and I want to be able to find them, even if they live in Siberia!

Hope you all enjoyed the confusingness of it today! Love to all! Angie

On Being Healthy

On Friday, I wanted to leave work badly, but NOT because I was feeling extremely exhausted. The conversation in our office was negativity to it's extreme. My boss spoke of her eleven year old daughter having high blood pressure. A co-worker spoke of his bad back. Another always talks about her daughter's asthma or how her mother is going to die young. I have spoken up on many occasion as to how they can cure their maladies; Exercise and diet. However, when I address the importance of these two things, I am met with more negativity. My goal is to let it bypass me because I know it works.

I believe whole-heartedly that these two things will allow for healthy life and longevity. It disheartens me when a mother or father doesn't see much hope for his or her daughter's health. I think of the obstacles they will face when they are older and having to challenge illness that could be avoided if a healthy lifestyle is instilled in them from an early age.

I know people that don't exercise and say that it's because of a bad back or because they're knees are out of whack. Then I look at their lifestyles of excess smoking, excess drinking, drugs sometimes, unhealthy eating patterns. And then? I look at their kids, and think... you have no choice in this matter and for that I feel saddened. I would think that all parents would want a healthy child. I know these people love their children more than anything, but I don't understand why love doesn't take health into consideration. I don't have children and I am only an outside witness, but I hope I can make healthier decisions for my children if I ever have them. I want children that like to play outside, that want to play sports, that want to eat their green beans. I know, I know, I even hated green beans, but that's because I was raised on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cheetos. I think my parents did require us to eat vegetables, but my palette has always savored sweet and salty. It is a constant battle for me to maintain a healthy diet. I don't fault my parents at all for this because they were young and I was the first, so I was spoiled. I don't ever want to discourage my children from pursuing healthy activities.

I remember my sister Alexandra LOVING broccoli. Eating vegetables in our family when she was little became a natural regime and the awful taste was rewarded with praise. When I saw her eating these and not spitting it out, I decided to join in. To this day though, I don't necessarily like vegetables, but I am dedicated to eating them. I have taken these lessons learned as a child and tried to apply them to my diet now. I try, and often with great difficulty, to maintain a vegetarian lifestyle. But I think of the reward, not just praise from my parents, but my health. I want to live a life that is rich and free of avoidable diseases.

I pray for good health for everyone. I want my friend's children and their grandchildren to know them into their adult and senior lives. My life has been blessed because I know my parents and my grandparents. I want this for all people. I understand that sometimes life throws us unwanted diseases, such as cancer, but I think the vast majority of illness can be prevented.

This is the thirty-first year of my life. I have planned on remaining healthy and have dedicated the last three months to maintaining a positive attitude regarding my health. I have taken preventative measures in keeping illness at bay. I hope everyone in my life can do the same because I want to grow old with all of them.

The end.

Eiffel Tower Memories

Two and a half years ago, I turned my phone back on while I was still in Paris so I could communicate more easily with my sisters. As I stood under the Eiffel Tower one evening waiting for some friends, my phone rang suddenly. It was the first call I had had since leaving for Egypt earlier that summer. It was my "soul mate," (his words) asking me if I wanted to go to the movies later that week. Had a film crew surrounded me, I would have been in the best romantic film ever. I calmly answered him, yeah, next week when I get home. I was home for about 3 days and he called me again. He had forgotten about a Labor Day cookout he had to go to. He asked me if I would like to join him and then go see the movie afterwards. Unfortunately I had a falling out the previous year with the friends he was going to visit that afternoon. I politely declined and said we could watch it the next week. A week passed and I finally called him back to see if he was available. He said he really wanted to see me and then something made him catch his breath. I heard it and asked him what was up. I remember the conversation to the minute detail, "well, I thought that I should be the one to let you know, but I had sex with Katie that night." To be completely honest I wasn't surprised and I told him that. I said to him, "I had a feeling it would happen eventually." His answer was honest, "really?" "Yeah," I told him, "remember when we were dating and the thousands of times I asked you why you weren't with her?" He did and I told him, "it was bound to happen." I wasn't upset because their friendship had endured since High School, they had been lovers once before we became a couple. All his reassurances that I was his soul mate began to fade. We had had a tumultuous love affair that ended too soon. I think in both our minds we felt that we were leading ourselves back to one another, and this time for good.

I often find myself in the "what-ifs." What if I would have said screw everybody, I'm going to the cookout. I had wanted to avoid any drama that would have occurred and now I am definitely in the "what-ifs." Agent G and Katie posted today that they will be welcoming a baby in May. My heart grieves tonight knowing that one moment could have changed everything.

I'm not angry, I'm not resentful (even though I really want to punch a wall), I'm just saddened that it wasn't me. All my heart-felt beliefs came true. He was meant to be with her even if it was to me he told was his soul mate. Energy flows where attention goes is my saying. I believed in my heart that they would be together... and I must say, the Universe granted me it.

I hope their child is beautiful....

The Unattached Life

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God."

Recently one of my co-workers gave my name to a life-insurance agent who has been working with our store. When I asked her why she had done that, she asked me if I didn't think about my future and what's going to happen to my belongings. Of course I think about my future, but I certainly don't worry about my things. I just don't think I have much of an attachment to them. Last year during the "Race for the Cure," my car was broken into and my purse was stolen. Along with my purse, my most favorite rings were taken. One was given to me by my Godmother/Aunt Julie when I turned sixteen. The other was a thrift store Angel ring my mother gave to my cousins, sisters and me when my aunt passed away from breast cancer. More than my debit and credit card being stolen, I was most upset about this. My money was of no concern to me, it was the memories those two rings brought me that I was upset about. I did the most logical thing when I got home after the race; I cancelled my cards. I only mourned my rings, not my broken window or ransacked car or the $40 that was in my wallet. The material things are replaceable. Luckily I have the memories of my Aunt and a replacement ring given to me by my father and one of the Angel ones from my sister Alex. She knew that I wore it every day and gave me hers.

First of all, I don't think that I am better than anybody or that I fully follow this lesson found in the 10th chapter of the Gospel of Mark. There are many ways to interpret this passage and I wish I could do it justice like the pastor at my church did on Sunday.

Some of us create unhealthy attachments to material goods. Last Saturday I went to a going away party for one of my co-workers at another co-worker's house. It was a new house and the furniture and decor reminded me of Edward Norton's apartment in "Fight Club." Our host gave me a tour the minute I walked through the door, and for some reason I felt like making fun of him the whole time. I kept calling him a dork for naming a room, "the chocolate room!" It's not that I was jealous, I was just in awe of the ludicrous nature of the possessions that had no real meaning other than to create a sense of material wealth. The one room that didn't reflect this was shown to me in the dark and consisted of a cot. It's funny how the room with the bare minimum gets the least amount of attention. It just proved my little theory that this party was thrown to show off this house, not to really say goodbye to our friend. This house reflects the type of life, I'm assuming, this person wants to portray.

I wasn't uncomfortable nor am I judging because from the age of probably thirteen to eighteen, I lived in a home that was for display only. I would say that both my father and mother, even though they live in separate homes now, still uphold that material standard. I do care what others think of my living arrangements, as I don't want people to think that I'm a slob, but I also know that a home is meant for living. I don't want to live in a museum. I have a studio apartment that I have furnished with used goods, except for my bed. I HAD to have a decent bed! Every year for Christmas I ask for appliances. If I don't have something, I go to the thrift store. Maybe this just reflects my frugalness and that I would rather spend my money in other areas, like travel. I would rather expand my cultural horizons than buy a coffee table book about the Giant Buddhas in Afghanistan. (Being that Afghanistan will probably be off limit for tourism for a while, the book may have to suffice for now though!!! :) After the sermon on Sunday, I knew that I didn't want to have attachments to material goods and I think I'm doing pretty good in that department.

HOWEVER!!!!

The Sermon was not about forming attachments to material goods! It was more about forming unhealthy attachments to people, drugs, sex, gluttony;lets just say, the Seven Deadly Sins! AHHHH!!!!! Having an unattached life then becomes difficult and even more disconcerting!

Who of us hasn't found ourselves slaves to our emotions? I know I have. I used to date this guy (many, many, many years ago) who I couldn't let go of. He was an awful sort of person. He would tell me that I was ugly, that I lacked self-esteem, not very bright, and that if I wouldn't satisfy him (you know how) then he would look for it elsewhere. I tried my hardest to be the best I could be for him, but nothing ever seemed to be just right. At my Grandfather's 80th birthday party, I tried pulling him near me for some reason and was giddy because I was with my family. He got in my face, grabbed my bi-cep to hold me there, and sneered at me, "what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you ever do that again." I backed away and later I apologized to HIM for being a silly girl. I guess he did apologize to me after that, but why the hell was I willing to put up with this behavior? I guess in some sick way, I needed somebody to complete me. Oh Shel Silverstein, where were you when I needed you the most? Luckily I know now that I am my missing piece. Sometimes when I think back about the horrible things he said to me, and how he kept me in my place, I want to call him up and give him a peace of my mind. I sometimes will write him an e-mail to ask if he is happy, and when he says that he is not really, then I am satisfied with knowing that he is a miserable person. I guess technically I should let that attachment go, to the feeling that I am happy that he is unhappy. I have forgiven him in my heart even though he has never asked for an apology. My goal to live a positive life, and one with high standards is thanks to him, so I guess keeping the memories alive about him help pave my life. This doesn't mean that I haven't since then found myself unhealthily attached to another person though. Fortunately I have been able to recognize when things need to end to continue the quality of life that I have set for myself. Sometimes it is heartbreaking because I know that people are essentially good, but I have to be good to myself first.

I know I started this with a passage from Mark and I don't want to be preachy, but I believe God wants us to live a good life while we are here on earth. Many of us will assess much wealth during our lives, but we must be willing to let go of it. Becoming unattached to our goods is the healthiest way to do this. Realizing that they are only good while we last is the best thing I think. Then there are many of us who become consumed with believing that our unhealthy habits make our lives rich. The highs I had when I was with my former boyfriend were amazing, I felt that my life was right on track. I quickly realized after moving to Florida to get away from him, that my life had taken a risky detour. Some of us become addicted to drugs and alcohol to escape the realities of life. I believe that God wants us to find a way to make our lives worthwhile and in a healthy sort of manner.

I decided last Saturday to stop drinking and to only partake when I am with my sisters, which is at the most 3 or 4 times a year and only two or three cocktails. Maybe champagne on New Years and a glass of wine on my Birthday. I don't need alcohol to form relationships with my friends or to be able to mingle with strangers. I'm living a good life and I think dousing my feelings and thoughts with alcohol inhibits me from sharing that with others.

The end...

My Grandpa is 85 Today!

Say what?!?!?!? I have many thoughts on this, be patient!

You're so Stupid

Gotcha! You're not really stupid, but I've been having this issue with intelligence lately.

I hate to say this, but I don't come from relatively smart parents. My mother is the more intelligent of the two of my gene donors, but she's not all that book smart. Because of them, I think that's why I've had this crazy obsession with doing really well in school. I worked so hard on my degrees that at times I might have over-stressed myself. I wanted to be perfect.

(No offense Mommy, I'm getting to the point where I praise you for your smartness. Actually I'll just say it here, you are so smart from keeping me protected when I was little from you know who. I can only imagine what kind of life I would have had, had he been a part of it. Although Papi wasn't perfect, I thank God you found him to give me a good life. I mean, seriously, not every child gets to experience culture in the way I did growing up. Thank you soooo much for loving me to your fullest capacity)

Okay, here goes. I got a 17 on the ACT because I just don't understand those types of tests. I went to a community college because I didn't want to have to do better. The ACT was stressful and I didn't want to put myself through it again. Based on those scores I had to take placement testing. Because I understand the concepts of Algebra and I can read and write very well, I was placed in college level courses. I never had to take the preparatory level classes thankfully. Owing to my fear of standardized tests, I have been hesitant to apply to graduate school because I don't want to take the GRE. When I see a comparison question, (ie. this is to this, as that is to that) I flip out a little bit and whatever intelligence is there, goes right out the window. Dr. Wynkoop (my most beloved professor) is always encouraging me to get my Masters in History, but I can't bring myself to take the test. I asked her how much Grad Schools actually look at the scores and she admitted that they base their decision largely on it. DAMN!!! I guess if I really want to go to Grad School, I will take the GRE classes and then take the test. Ugh. Those tests are used to evaluate students to see if they will achieve in college. According to my score, I should not have done well at all. My college career according to the statistics would have me dropping out of college. They aren't the fairest of tests in judging intelligence, but they are what they are. They serve a purpose I suppose.

I'm going to come right out and say this, I am a VERY smart person. I absorb almost anything I read. I can take one text and contextualize it with another without batting an eye. I can come up with a marketing idea for work without much effort. I can figure out how to do things in a simple and efficient manner. (I feel like I'm writing a cover letter for a job) I don't think I need to sell any of you on my intellect. What I'm getting at is that no matter how smart I am, I can still be stupid.

Everybody has the ability to be STUPID. How we deal with our ability to be stupid is where intelligence creeps in. I am a glutton for human contact. I call people, I text them, I write them letters, I want to get my point across. Generally this happens when I'm angry. Like most people, I want to have the last word. Where my intelligence goes bye bye in this context is when I don't realize when enough is enough! Okay, that's not entirely true. I realize it after I've squandered relationships. And not just male/female relationships, but those involving friendships also... even relationships with my family. It's like the rationalizing section of my brain flips to off, and I go overboard. I get sneaky, I ask questions about what that person has done... blah blah blah. Word gets back and oops, I've screwed things up.

However! This is something I'm working on. When I get to that point where I'm borderline harassing someone, I take a step back and go... oh, this is how you get in trouble. The entirety of the brain isn't used all at once and sometimes we let whatever part control emotions go haywire. At least that's the part I let get away from me. And when I've realized the wrong I've done to other people, I feel stupid. It's not like it's going to dominate my life though or make me think that I'm a lesser person, it just sometimes makes me feel awkward. If you ever saw me, you'd think, now there's a girl that has her shit together. However, sometimes that "shit hits the fan." Being completely in control of yourself is a hard task to take on, but because I have a high capacity of intellect, I know that one day, I'll have my shit together 99.9% of the time.

What about you? What do you do that's stupid?

Joe being Joe... a Happy Kid.
King of the fallen tree.Joe and Alicia


Joe was probably one of the coolest kids to walk the face of the planet.

You will be forever missed.
We'll always remember to live the good life! Fly with the Angels....

Settling and Being Emotionally Mature

My most recent gmail status says, "I'm an extremist. I like to have a lot of fun, but I can also be very serious. My emotional capacity is large." And if you don't like it, FUCK OFF!

I wrote that and have been thinking all day about my situation. I'm not in any bad situation. I'm enjoying my life. I'm doing all the things that I like to do and I'm pretty confident that I'm good at what I'm doing. There is only one part of my life that seems to always end up going awry, my thinking.

One of my favorite quotes is from Ayn Rand's novel, Atlas Shrugged, and it here it is:

"i like to think of fire held in a man's hand.

fire, a dangerous force, tamed at his fingertips.

i often wonder about the hours when a man sits alone,

watching the smoke of a cigarette, thinking.

i wonder what great things have come from such hours.

when a man thinks, there is a spot of fire alive in his mind--

and it is proper that he should have the burning point of a cigarette

as his one expression."

I love this quote because, even though I am not a man, it is how I view myself. My brain is constantly on fire, analyzing ways to do things better, how to be more creative, figuring out how people think, learning how my own mind works and what is behind my thought processes. Unfortunately my thinking turns others away and often leaves me feeling rejected. I think so often to myself, what the hell did I do? And of course, like everything else! this leads me to think of my past relationships with people, especially men of course. Just a side note, I don't talk a lot about my girlfriends because for the most part I have NO problems communicating with them. I think I'm very lucky to have found women in my life who I can relate to and who don't take their thinking brains for granted. My closest friends (you know who you are girls) are incredibly intelligent, confident and beautiful women. That's not to say that occasionally they don't have moments of confusion and emotional hang-ups. What's great about them, is that they are like me, in tune and capable of dealing with whatever challenges that arise. And I don't think they are necessarily lucky to be with the men they are with, they are fortunate to have found the ones that are equally emotionally available and who understand that relationships take time to grow. They understand that relationships don't just happen, and are able to grow with the women they are with.

So, where am I going with this you ask. Well here goes: Two men that I have dated in the past have told me during our breakups that they didn't want to settle. I'll admit, to hear those words hurts and it stings deep down. It has made me feel like, "what the fuck is wrong with me?" I've done a lot of thinking about this, and guess what? Nothing is wrong with me, something is wrong with YOU! So, I'm not emotionally stable ALL the time! BIG DEAL! Nobody is. The reason that you think you're settling is because you don't have a clue as to how to deal with a woman who thinks. A girl who has the occasional emotional setback isn't repellant, she's just trying to figure out what's going on in her brain. What many men don't realize, is that once she gets out of her funk, she's usually a MUCH stronger person. A man that is frightened by a woman who has emotions and the capacity to think them through, is the one who is emotionally IMMATURE. A woman who finds herself dealing with a man who can't just say, "hey, it's gonna be cool" and let her figure it out, should turn the other way and run; and run fast.

What's unfortunate is that the world is full of unworthy men who think they are the shit! And the one that told me that he didn't want to date me because I have too many opinions and theories, I say good luck with finding your ideal stupid housewife! I have a brain and by God, I'm going to use it! Thank you Ayn Rand for being a thinking, intelligent woman during a time when women were just supposed to be at a man's ever whim.

The Best Quote Ever

and I'll tell you why and not because I agree with it one hundred percent.

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved. – Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

So many times in my past I have searched and failed to find somebody to love. Finding that ONE person to want to be with was a quest I felt I had to complete to find my happiness. Fortunately, you don't need ONE person to love you to convince yourself you are loved. If you think for about two seconds, "who loves me no matter what," you will always find yourself at least one person. To know that somebody cares gives me comfort; I will always have somebody to turn to. Knowing that I am loved always gives me comfort to know that I can willingly reciprocate.

I often have felt alone and that I don't belong in this world. Fortunately I've taken a little bit more than two seconds to think about how valuable my life is. I've thought about all the people who have stood by my side as I've battled my depression. I think a lot about my childhood, and how even though it was rocky and chaotic much of the time, that I do have wonderful memories. I can acknowledge that every moment that I smiled or laughed signifies every hint of love that was given to me. I've been able to let go of the troubled memories and forgive the people that may have caused my pain. It's so simple to find love where once you may not have thought it existed. My happiness does not come from convincing myself that I am loved, but from KNOWING that I am loved. To know that I am loved for just being the person that I am however, HAS convinced me to love myself. Being able to love yourself affords the possibility of having others love you as well. Being able to love yourself allows you the opportunity to spread love unconditionally to others.

Do yourself a favor: Think for just two seconds of how someone has demonstrated that they loved you no matter what! It's quite simple. All I have to do is remember the endless Friday nights as a child, laying on the couch in my Grandparents basement watching MASH, my head on my grandfather's lap as he scratched my back for the entirety of the show.

Love is amongst us always and more than likely in its simplest form.

30 Going on 13

A few years ago there was a movie starring Jennifer Garner titled "13 Going on 30." I think back on my childhood and teenage years and wonder why I would EVER want to be old. As kids, we think that adults have no rules to follow, nobody breathing down our necks to get things done. Aren't we ever surprised to find out that things just get more and more complicated and the rules that we thought would disappear only become more complex. The relationships with our parents either becomes stressed or it becomes easier. In my case, a little of both.

I'm 31 now and I remember the day I turned 25. I think of my 20s and realize how tumultuous they were, and how comparable they were to a teenager's experiences. When most people had already figured out their problems and attacked them head on, I was still discovering what I really wanted out of life. I wanted a boyfriend like nobody's business, I wanted someone to belong to. But this feeling isn't a normal feeling that a 25 year old should have. A 25 year old, (according to psychologists) should be self-aware and ready to find a mate and establish consistency for their lives. At 25, I felt like I was maybe able to finally break out of my insulated life. I still cannot believe the effect my parents, especially my father, had on me at that age. Most people begin to distance themselves from their parents during their teens. Many are able to manifest a self-sustaining lifestyle by their early twenties. I often feel like until I was 26, I was still hand-cuffed to them. I felt that my every move, my every decision was still governed by their ruling fists. I was afraid of the world, afraid of people, afraid of myself, afraid of what companionship should look like.

I just rode my bike to see a guy that I really like, but who I broke things off with because I wanted to be fair to myself. I really wanted him to be my boyfriend, but I didn't think he could meet that expectation for me. I have three very important rules that a man must meet to be eligible to be with me... and unfortunately, he didn't meet the most important number one rule. In my mid twenties until very recently, I was willing to bend those rules. As a result, I have only been met with heartache. I'm not willing anymore to bend because I want a man that can live up to my expectations. It hurts to see him because I care so very much for him. I see his life and how it doesn't match with mine. I wanted it to, but I don't think it ever can. Maybe, but I'm done wasting my time trying to be lenient with what I want. I want my life to be good. I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't realized what I wanted so much later than others. I know their are people out there who are much more fucked up than me and I'm not sad about where I am. If I believed in re-incarnation, I would wonder what I did in a past life to get to where I am now. I have hope for my future, I have hope that I will find love. But what comforts me now most, is that I value myself, and one of these days I will find somebody that will value all those same things. It's not a futile endeavor to pursue and I will remain hopeful as always.

The end! Not for the blog though. I'll keep going until blogspot doesn't exist I suppose!

The Signs are All Around You...

I never used to believe in looking for signs, but I now believe that they exist. Four weeks ago I heard a song on the radio which triggered a memory of a person. I thought and thought about a way to get back into contact. Today, that person contacted me.

It's crazy, but I now believe in signs. I stayed true in my hope to find this person again... and it happened. I always remained positive and knew it would happen, and it did.

I'm amazed and fairly baffled... wow!

Not life altering, but I took staying positive seriously. Some may call it obsessive, but it's not. When you really want something, you have to indeed remain steadfast, even if it means saying a simple prayer. Next endeavor to stay positive about?

Making more money!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$ Getting ahead!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$ Living comfortably!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$

Welcome to the World!

This morning at 12:37 am, my best friends Mark & Sarah welcomed their son Gunnar Douglas to the world. I am so honored to be a part of Mark and Sarah's life and I am so excited to get to be a part of their sons.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the significance of bringing another life into this chaotic and often turbulent world. Sometimes I think that there are FAR too many people living on the planet and that sometimes life throws you some nasty ordeals. The past year of my life has seen its moments of pure hell, but in the long run it has come out pretty decent. For the past five months I have been the most happy and full-filled that I have ever been.

My Father and I are friends and for the first time I feel I can turn to him for advice. I honestly believe that wisdom is gained through life experience. My father and I have been through some tough times together in our past, but I think with the ending of our relationships around the same time has allowed us to grow close to one another. I know that my Dad loved my Mom, but it was a relationship that couldn't grow anymore. Through him, I understand now that love should always continue to grow and should never stagnate. I really dislike the saying, "the honeymoon is over." If a relationship is supposed to grow in love, then everyday should be a honeymoon. It should be a gift to be treasured always.

About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend Graham and I laid in my bed in the middle of the afternoon reading to each other and he told me a story about a man and woman who had been living their lives independently and came together at a time when they ready to meet. Their lives had prepared them for each other and when they met it was meant to be. All their past experiences culminated into a life where the two of them were meant to be together. The story ended with them dying within hours of each other in old age because they were soul mates. As I rested my head on his shoulder, he told me that he felt that was us. I, all too eager to hear those words felt like this was it for me. But when Graham dropped the line, "the honeymoon is over," I knew he no longer felt that way. I knew it was over and I tried desperately to hang on and make it true again. But our experiences, however much they influenced us up to our meeting began to diverge midway through our relationship. The talking ended, our dreams abandoned, both of us consumed by the demands of our everyday lives. Where we went wrong was when we no longer continued building a life that grew in love and sharing our troubles and achievements. We became stagnant. I think Graham wanted to continue growing in his life as did I, but together it couldn't happen. I miss Graham and think about him almost everyday.

Like everyone in my life, he has had a great impact on my life. And most definitely a very profound one. Because of him, I strove to continue making goals for myself and living up to them. I wasn't intent on living a mediocre life. I wanted to learn Arabic, I went to Egypt to do it. I may have let that dream go by the wayside, but in the long run I learned something more important than mastering a language, I learned to keep living my life to its fullest. Everyone has different goals for their lives and sometimes they are diverted not for the worse, but to enhance our lives with new experiences. I'm so glad I went to Egypt and it is something I will keep with me forever as one of the best times of my life. In a way, the trip made me realize how I am actually full-filled in my life regardless of how mundane it may seem to others. So, I don't want to be politician or a teacher. I just want to live well, and happy. And that's what I'm doing.

Joe died over a year ago now and I think of how his parents must feel to have lost their child at such a young age. My friend Christi told me about a friend of hers who lost her son when he was only seven years old. Tragedies unfortunately happen in life, but I don't think it should deter us from continuing to bring love into the world. I think taking a risk in love is important to the human spirit.

Sarah and Mark have brought another human into this world and there are many experiences of joy and unfortunately disappointments they will encounter together while raising their son. But I think through their continued love for each other, they will be exemplars of the power of love. I hope they don't allow the honeymoon to end. I hope their joint boundless love for their new son will allow them to grow together and to continue to gain wisdom. I think already they have a lot to offer Gunnar. I am so excited for them and I pray that they will always demonstrate their unending love for him.

Congrats Mark & Sarah! I think you will be awesome parents.

Joe Would Have Been 23 Today

When I started this blog almost a year ago, I dedicated it to learning something new every day and living for each day.  I feel I've remained true to Joe's wisdom.  Lately I've been thinking about the people in our lives and how much they affect us.  Had I not read Joe's MySpace page right after he died, then I would have never been compelled to "stick it out" with this thing.  Joe won't ever come back, but this blog will remain; hopefully as a constant reminder that everyone's life is significant.  Every day a human is a part of this world, that day is important.  We revolve around each other and push each other to an indefinite end.  Even our energy propels us forward. Whether it is the man down the street who asked for my number a few hours ago, or the woman screaming at her kids in her car, we leave an imprint on each other. 

In the past year, I've met some interesting people. Some came into my life all too briefly and others have remained.  My close friendships have remained a constant and have become stronger.  My blog header says: 

"Sometimes in life you regret the things you've done. Always learn from you mistakes. 

 'Live like you were going to die tomorrow. 

Learn like you were going to live forever.'"

I've learned a lot this past year and the majority of it has to do with the people in my life.  I've learned from them to trust my gut instinct.  I went to France almost a year ago and I knew instinctively when I received the letter that I had been accepted into the program I signed up for, that it wasn't what I needed to do.  After reading "The Alchemist," I knew that my journey there would lead me back home, just like Santiago.  My treasure awaited me here.  I had been seeking it for years elsewhere and once I got to where I thought it was buried, I realized it was back where I started.  Had I not met Victor in Krakow, who knows when I would have picked up Paolo Coehlo's short novel.  Thanks to Victor and Paolo, my search for my treasure was over.  I knew where it was, it was within my grasp, and it was and still is here in Kansas City.  Coehlo's character waits patiently but never relents in his quest to retrieve his ultimate treasure; and I know that I must do the same.  In the meantime, I am learning even more from the people I meet, and in the process more about myself.

All of you who read this are people that I know and I hope that you know how much I treasure you as my inspiration.  Through you I have learned that my capacity for love is tremendous.  However, the introduction of  simple young child culminated my understanding of this.  My instinct about France became stronger than ever, but I couldn't let one instant deter me from something that I was convinced I must do with my life.  I've always known that I have the ability to love, but I didn't fully realize that I was capable of loving so unconditionally, that it could be so sudden and so consuming.  That one moment has brought me to the realization that my love for my sisters, my parents, my grandparents, my cousins, all their kids was not just a simple, "I love because I'm supposed to" type of feeling, but a feeling that actually motivates me to demonstrate and act upon that love and treat them the way I feel about them.  

I believe that love is the feeling that most enflames us to act.  

When one first recognizes their extent of their feelings, one is able to distort the meaning of them and thrust them onto unsuspecting persons.  It can be overwhelming to that person, it can be suffocating, and frightening. I did that and I'm not ashamed.  I acted on  impulse and will not apologize for what felt right at that moment.  All these years of holding back from those I could have loved in this way was manifested into one manic episode.   My actions weren't meant to harm, but to let another human know my ability to love another.  Of course in my disorientation, I'm sure I came off as unbalanced.  Technically I guess I was.  The one who witnessed the fury of my emotions had never been able to discover the extent of this cognitive awareness in a calmer developmental process.  So, I guess, the release of my unexplored passion had to happen in order for me to tame it and use it more wisely in the future...  

If you've read my previous blogs, then you know that I have used it to uncover the meaning of these emotions. When I became comfortable with my awareness, I became silent.  I have found peace within myself.  I have accepted that I am a feeling human like the rest of you, and I have accepted my ability to love unreserved.  Because of it, I now 

 live like I were going to die tomorrow, and I learn like I was going to live forever.  

And I have everyone that has come into my life this year and all the years before to thank for it.  I love you all!  Even those of you who I have not met.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE! 

 YOU ARE MY INSPIRATION! 

FLY WITH THE ANGELS, WE'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!

American Flag for Sale! Made in China!

SAY WHAT?

The Fourth of July is fast approaching and I'm psyched to celebrate my Nation's birthday.  I thought I would do that by purchasing an American Flag.  I am very much trying to live up to my New Year's Resolution to buy Made in USA items as much as I can.  It is a daunting task checking labels, but it is worth it.  And often I will buy items simply because they have the USA proudly marked on it.  It's a good way to start a plastic cup collection! So you can imagine my dismay when I was unable to find an American Made cheap-o flag.  It just seems to me, that this icon of America should be American.  I began my search at my local grocery store.  They had plastic $1.50 flags, metal porch decor flag things, gel stick on flags, and God Bless America decorations...all made in China.  NOT buying any of them.  I went to Hobby Lobby, which admittedly I knew would be a joke because nothing there is made in the USA.  Seriously, that place is horrendous when it comes to American Made items.  One might as well learn Chinese if dared to shop there.  My new mission is to stop shopping there as well.  Unfortunately my NO Wal-Mart campaign had to end when my aunt came to town in April.  (Sorry Terri, but it was painful for me to be there)  And then again a week ago, when I was in desperate need for an inflatable bed. Wal-Mart was along the way to the campground and it was quick and easy.  Like I said, it's tough sometimes.  I will say this in Wal-Mart's favor, my recent purchase of American made cups came from that same store.

So, my quest for an American Made Flag took me to the internet where I could "Google:" American Flag Made in USA.  But I'm not going to buy one online. As far as I'm concerned, I should be able to walk into ANY store in MY country and buy one MADE by MY fellow Americans.  I know we buy imported goods because they are cheaper, but screw that! I will not buy into it.  We have created labor laws in this country to protect our citizens from greedy business owners.  What's unfortunate is that those rich owners proved their greediness even more by outsourcing OUR jobs to simply make another dollar.  It is true, the rich don't care about the average working man.  They found any way they could to work around having to pay high wages.  I, as an American, WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!!!!  It makes me laugh to think of the sardonic grins on the faces of those Chinese citizens who made those flags sitting on the shelves at MY American Owned grocery store.  I can just imagine them thinking, "those stupid Americans who took their protections and liberties for granted."  I have nothing against the Chinese, I have nothing against Communism.  If a government can make it work, then by all means, be Communist.  But I will not buy an American Flag that was not made by American hands.  What I find laughable about all this, is that we condemn the Chinese for being a Communist country, but we let them make our stuff.  Laughable and Frustrating as Hell.

When I celebrate my Country's Independence Day I plan on taking a different route this year.  I've spoken to my friend Mark and with his help, I will be making my own flag which I will proudly display and take with me everywhere.  I'm also going to make a shirt to go with it that says, "My Flag is Fully American, made by American Hands...Is Yours?"  

I'm proud to be an American... Are you?

Patience is a Virtue

I used to work at Worlds of Fun and for those of you who may not know what that is, it is an amusement park here in Kansas City. If you want a comprehensive story, go to this website. And it's not the official webpage, but it has better information and better pictures. 

Worlds of Fun 

I had a lot of patience when I worked there and I tried to re-iterate it to everyone I worked with.  One day, one of the management team members lost his cool and I could see the fury in his face as he was about to unload on a lowly base-rate. (that's what we called the first year kids or anybody that wasn't a supervisor) I ran up to him and said, "hey, remember...patience is a virtue."  He pushed me out of the way, and said, "it's not when you want something done right!"  And he continued with his mission of reaming this kids derriere.  YIKES!!!  I continued that attitude during my entire career at Worlds of Fun and it worked fairly well for me.  However, it was towards the end of my fourth year, when things started to unwind. I lost my patience with people and my ability to keep my cool diminished. I would yell at my Supervisors for taking advantage of me, or my co-workers for not seeing things the way I did.  I don't know how I made the transition from passive to reactive, but I did and in the years since I ended my employment from Worlds of Fun in 2002, I have gone through cycles of passiveness to aggressiveness.  

 

Last year was pretty tumultuous for me and I decided that ending the cycle had to happen.  I am proud to say that since February 27th, 2009, I haven't resorted to my aggression, but I also haven't let people walk all over me.  My transition into aggression has always been brought on by my eventual irritation with my passivity.  To be honest though, there was one day a few weeks ago that I let my anger out on one of my employees because he wasn't doing what I wanted him to do.  I apologized because Christi was right, I was in the wrong.  I don't think I expect too much, I just think I expect things to be done how I do them.  I have no control over others. I have to let others find their own way of doing things and then give them the time and the chance to do it.  

I woke up on February 28th, cried to Ashley about my disappointment then got out of bed and decided to actually listen to the words she told me.  I went out that evening, met new people and haven't looked back.  I've been taking life in stride and the things that I've wanted have started to materialize for me.  I'm doing so much photography and graphic design that I always have a little cash on me.  I've kept a positive attitude about everything.  I'm being patient about getting what I want. The one thing I want the most hasn't happened yet, but I'm positive it will.  Sometimes perseverance and assiduousness cannot be forced and must be done subtly. One cannot do things tenaciously and expect immediate results.  Especially if the result comes from others.  I will wait patiently for the things that I want to happen in my life, some will happen faster than others, but the goal is to achieve what you want. And sometimes patience is the only virtue that will get you to that point.

My Decision on Children

I often go back and forth on whether or not I'd like to have children.  I'll go through phases where all I want to do is find a man, get married and have ONE child.  Then, I'll take my head out of my ass and think logically.  Do I really want kids?  Or the question is really this: Do I want to have my OWN kids?  I often think of all the children in the world who don't have parents. Either they are orphaned or their parents are not capable of providing them with a quality life.  

I KNOW that regardless of how I will acquire a child, I WILL be a good mother.  I have loved every child I have come in contact with, even the ones who I thought were kind of obnoxious.  I have enjoyed watching my cousin's son grow up.  I feel so close to him and I look at how Sarah has really provided him with a decent and healthy life.  I think her dedication to her son and ALL her children is very noble.  I think her husband's dedication to take her son as his own is even more noble.  I admire him so much and I am so grateful that Sarah found such a good man.  

Yesterday I was taking Senior pictures for one of my co-worker's sons. While we were at the park, three kids walked by and I thought to my self how one day, Sarah and Megan's kids will be this age. They will develop personalities and opinions, they will become independent and they will go through phases to find themselves.  I think when parents are as dedicated to their children's lives as my cousins are to theirs, I think kids grow up to make decisions that are sometimes questionable and sometime dangerous. But I think when a parent has always provided consistent love, those children will make the right decisions for their lives.  

I admire all my friends who make the decision to have children. I admire my own father for taking a chance to raise another man's blood.  I love my mother more than life itself for her wisdom to know that I deserved better than what I biologically should have had.  Her sacrifice to raise me alone and find a man that would provide safety, love and sisters is beyond compare.  Because of her, I believe my cousin was able to make the same wise decisions for her son.  I am honored that I have been surrounded by these great women and the men they chose for their kid's lives. Thanks girls!  And Megan, I can't believe how courageous she has been.  I think she is so fortunate to have her daughter's father around.  Her daughter may not know it now, but she is SO lucky.  To know that regardless of situation, a person is able to love, is reassuring that people are essentially good.

This is why sometimes I question whether I want my own.  I want to be a part of a child's life in a role unlike the one I have now.  I'm cousin Angie, I provide a different kind of role. I'm the fun one; I don't have to discipline.  I want to see somebody grow up and I think regardless of how I come across that child that will be a part of my life in that role, I will love him or her without reserve.  Like I said, I have loved every child that has entered my life, and unconditionally.  And I think being able to love a child makes me realize that my capacity to love another individual is not something I should ignore.   I love, I can't help it, nor should I.

Words & Phrases

It has taken me about four days to write this entry...damn internet sucks right now!

When I was a Senior in High School I discovered my love of words.  All Seniors were required to take Political Science and Economics. The semester I took Economics, the word "entrepreneur" fascinated me.  I would say it over and over to myself and finally I let the word form itself in my vocal chords and mouth.  I loved the way the word felt, the mellifluousness of it sounded and felt like a song.  However, the spoken word has never quite resonated as well as it does on paper.  I have experienced the euphonious nature of exquisite rhetoric, but for me, to write the words and say them silently in my head was an empirical test of the power and virtue of words.  

The English Language is largely assumed to be the language with the most words.  According to the AskOxford website, English is primarily a Germanic and Dutch language, and we share our basic grammar and vocabulary structure with them.   In 1066, when the Norman Franks invaded the British Isles, French became the official language.  Along with the French, came the Roman Catholic church, which brought Latin into the language as well.  The influence of the Romance language is indeed quite noticeable in our modern English owing in large part to the implementation of French as the official language of the government and monarchy for nearly 300 years.  Old English, would be nearly unrecognizable to modern English readers.  With the combination of all these languages and now with English being the International language which adapts words from other languages, the probability of it having the most words, is quite significant.

Enough history lesson!  The Oxford Dictionary has over 170,000 words that are currently used and lists over 47,000 extinct words.  Language is ever changing and knowing that there are thousands of words to choose from is overwhelming.  I often wonder if I will ever use them all.   Highly doubtful, but it is remarkable that there will be words that I will never even see written on paper. 

I have two favorite things when it comes to words.  A dictionary and a thesaurus.  My enchantment of words affords me the opportunity to use these two books to discover new words every day.  Every word contains a treasure.  Words have history, they have meaning, they have a story to tell.  Maybe this is why I enjoy the Scripp's National Spelling Bee. I like to experiment with them and put them into unique orders to come up with divergent meaning sentences.   My bookmark bar has a folder labeled "words&phrases," because I enjoy exploring new ways to say things.

My two favorite past-times are doing the crossword puzzle and watching the Scrip's National Spelling Bee.  Crossword puzzles offer the opportunity to find different meanings and alternative ways to use words.  Contestants of the Spelling Bee will often ask for the definition and origin of a word.  My favorite year was when a boy couldn't spell bann.  He asked to use it in a sentence and one of the judges said something like this, "The bann announcing the arrival of the King preceded his carriage."  The minute the word was used in the sentence, I knew it had two "N"s and that the word banner was derived from it.  So now, every time I see a banner, I think of how the word could have evolved into what it is now. Why would we add "er" to the end?  

So, I began this blog entry a couple of weeks ago, and I don't think I can continue it any longer.  I finally have a stable internet connection and I promise to have something more enlightening in the near future.  Peace my friends....

I found my thrill on Strawberry Hill

I know that's not how the song goes, but I just saw some pictures of fire hydrants painted with Strawberries from Strawberry Hill KS.  My ex-boyfriend used to live in Strawberry Hill, but I never noticed those hydrants before.  I tell you, sometimes it takes a lot to open our eyes.  I guess I used to just go there so I could see his beautiful face.  It's amazing what we miss out on when we are wrapped up in being "in love."

Lately, I've been in love with life and enjoying the people around me.  Not only that, I've taken on new friendships and have certainly loved meeting these different personalities. Where were these people when I was 25?  Obviously around, but I guess I was too afraid to look outside my comfort zone to find them.  I've always been so afraid to let new people into my life, but I've found it to be highly rewarding.  And I don't feel on edge when I'm around these people.  I am content to sit and just watch or get up and have a conversation with whoever.  It's such an interesting feeling.

Thirty started out kind of rocky, but the last six months of this year are going to be great.  I can feel it.  

Writing About Oneself

The other day, this guy that I recently met found my blog.  I had to forewarn him that much of what I write is about my perceptions and my reflections on things that have happened.  It's not that I dwell on things, it that I want to learn.  I saw Ashley tonight and we talked about my ex for a bit and she said she was so happy that I was finally over it.  I told her that I thought about him often and she acknowledged that it was normal because, seriously, the man is a good guy.  I think that my reaction to his ending things was maybe a little dramatic, but at the same time it was based on the things he had said to me.  He may have wanted certain things, but in truth he probably wasn't ready for all that he had hoped for. It was so sudden and disheartening, and I truthfully believe that had he been ready, it would have been as he put it, "meant to be."  But, I've come to realize that things DO indeed happen for a reason.  I would really like to fault him for not living up to his own expectations, but when one has a million different things on one's plate, one cannot focus on much else.  A son, overdue bills, creditors, the thought of a layoff.  Focusing on a girl and a future with her is not an option that is feasible, no matter how much he may have wanted it.  I should have seen it before I left for France, but I was blinded his words.  Also, I don't believe things were that terrible when we first met.  I think, a meaningless relationship is all he could have handled, and well, I don't think I exude that, I'm too good for that.  

Too bad.  

But! Things have been fantastic since I've put things into perspective.  I've been having a great time and meeting many new and interesting individuals. I've even taken up with a friend of mine who I thought I had lost.  I'm no longer on the ladder and I explained to him that I have no expectations from him, and that I never had. I told him that he didn't need to worry that I wanted something from him; I have only ever just appreciated his friendship.  

And it's weird, now that I'm not preoccupied with running into my "ex" or feeling that I need an explanation for things, I feel free to live uninterrupted.  I've accomplished so much in the last month, I've surprised myself.  I'm ready for opportunity and adventure.  I'm ready to live without fear, without apprehension.  I just want to enjoy the people in my life and those around me.  I'm ready to not take life so seriously.  I mean, you only get one shot right?

Get Your Sprinting Legs Ready

This weekend at Harling's:

Plus...you can check out my newest Pirate outfit! Don't miss out!

Keeping the Faith

What Breaks Us Apart

Two weeks ago I was distraught, I felt misled, I felt hurt. I had lost two very important people in my life and one of them didn't have a say in how things turned out.  I hate to admit it, but I love both of them and it didn't last long enough to find out what could have happened.  One of them will never remember me and that pains me as I know I will always remember him and the glimpse of what it could have been like to unconditionally love another human.  I couldn't understand how somebody who had said, "you make me want to be a better person," could want to be without me.  How could I not be the 100% he was looking for?  Why didn't I measure up?  I have so much to offer to another person.  My friend Ashley said it best, "maybe he couldn't be the better person that he knew you deserved."  Those words made everything fall into place.  The pressure that weighed on my heart lifted and I've felt at peace with that part of it.  If only he could have seen that I am the one who chooses what is best for me, the one that figures out what I deserve.  

(Maybe his situation wouldn't allow him to take me out as he may have wanted, but I don't think I ever asked for much.  The best night I spent with him was the evening we made pita sandwiches after he hurt himself at work.  Being with him was enough, holding his hand while we slept is what I longed for, putting my head on his shoulder brought warmth to my heart.  I was with a good man, what more could I deserve?  To love his character is what I wanted more than anything.  But I lost it, and I don't think through any fault of my own.  His decision to end it, I believe, was based on his own inability to live in peace with his self-perceived imperfections.) This paragraph goes two paragraphs down...I can't cut and paste on blogger for some reason...  

He said he didn't want to smoke or drink as much as he did.  Could my words have affected him THAT much that he thought he couldn't achieve these things for ME?   One evening, as we left Northeast Kansas City to ride back to my place, his cigarette lighter ran out of fluid.  We had a quick bicker over how bad smoking is for you, and he told me that smoking was one of the few pleasures that he enjoyed and to leave it alone.  I never told him to stop smoking, I simply told him the benefits of having healthy lungs. Or maybe it was my concern for his incessant coughing in the mornings. As much as I would have liked him to be healthy, I never would have told him to quit. One cannot make decisions for others or based on another's opinions.  Fortunately, to kiss him, one would never have known he was a smoker.  I only cared for his health, maybe he couldn't be healthy for me.  I would hope that if somebody were to make the decision to stop smoking, it would be for him or herself, not another person. 

The Friday night before I moved into my new apartment, I lay in his bed on the verge of sleep.  He leaned his head through the door and said, "I gotta eat something, you got the spins?"  I looked up at him shocked, "no, I'm fine." The next morning I asked him, "did you think I was drunk last night?"  I told him that I didn't like to have hangovers and that I knew my limit, and that I knew when to stop.  I think for him, drinking is a sport and done to the extremes.  I want to live a healthy lifestyle, could my behavior have affected his decision that he might not be good for me?  

We all make decisions in our lives that bring us to who we are.  Some of us make poor decisions in regards to our lives.  Just because I have never experienced a hard life of drugs, alcohol, sex, and all those other things, doesn't mean that I am too good for somebody who has.  My decisions have not always been based on the desire to have a healthy life, they have been affected by fear.  I have never done an abundance of drugs because I was afraid of what addiction could do to me.  I never drank too much after watching my best friend black out and almost die; after hearing of my sister's alcohol poisoning when she was 15.  I have never had a great sexual relationship because I was afraid to endure the hardships of possibly raising a child alone.  

I am a product of fear, but my life hasn't been without times of pleasure.  I hope that if he reads this, he understands that just because some of us have made good decisions in our lives, doesn't mean that we are better.  I never intended on being a "role model" as my cousin Kelly once told me I was.  I've always just wanted to live, and make mistakes like everyone else. But my fear has held me back on many occasions. Not feeling capable of taking risks doesn't make me better, it makes me less experienced.  I know I deserve a good person in my life, but I'd like to be the one to make that decision. So many decisions have been made for me, I think it's my turn to decide what's best for me.

I'm a Master Gold Sprinter!!!

Okay, so I'm not a master, but I went to Harling's tonight and competed against another girl.  So, I was the TOP LADY!!!  It's official, I am DEFINITELY a ROCKSTAR!  However, I think I may have made the transition from Rockstar to Bike Geek.  I've been hanging out with the Kansas City bike crowd lately and they are too much fun and I seem to fit in more with this group than the "Rocker" scene.  Don't get me wrong, I still like going to shows, but I don't feel as awkward with the Bikers as I do with the Rockers.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we aren't screaming at each other to have a conversation.  It's cool, and people remember you better.  Say what???  Scream Kansas City!

I'm in  a GREAT MOOD tonight!

If you don't know what Gold Sprints are, here's a link:

Gold Sprints

I won this jersey.  It has skulls. It's nifty! Cuz I'm a pirate yo!

Peace!

Why I Hate Marijuana by Angie Colina

I wrote this as a private blog two weeks before I turned 28, I was dating a guy named Tom from the Claire McCaskill campaign.  He was really awesome and we're still friends.  But my ex-boyfriend came back into my life and conflicted me. I was stuck with having to make a decision between Tom and Graham.  In the end, I chose neither one.  I'm posting this here because I find myself believing the same things. It's reassuring to know that I've stuck to my beliefs and that I still hold myself to the standards that I set for people who enter my life.  And I recently used some of these words with my newest ex.  It's so interesting to see that I stayed true to myself.

I have no contact with Graham anymore, so I used his name freely.

When I was 25 years old, I met a man, a boy really, by the name of Graham Dixon.  He asked me out and I thought he was so cute, so who was I to say no.  I like to give people chances and this one looked too good to pass up.  Graham and I went to The Newsroom on Broadway for our first date.  Every time he would pass the cue to me, he would touch my hand.  I had dated lots of guys, but I had never been looked at the way he looked at me.  It's like he was mesmerizing me and I would've believed anything he told me....and I did.  

There always comes that time when you're with somebody and the "drug conversation" comes up.  I told him the honest to God truth about my drug use, I only smoke a little marijuana and on very rare occasions.  I don't like the feeling it gives me is what I told him.  I even told him that I had done cocaine before and really liked it, but didn't do it because I know that I could become addicted to it.  And you know what he said, he told me that he didn't smoke that often either.  I was impressed that I had found a pretty good one who I could have fun with if the moment arose. 

Fast forward six months later, Graham and I are into each other. We spent a week with each other to see if we could be together for an extended period of time.  The only problem with Graham was that he liked to smoke far more than I did, and when he did, it was a big thing.  The fourth of July was one of those occasions. Instead of coming with a bunch of us to see fireworks on the river, he stayed back with my roommate and this guy John to smoke themselves silly.  I remember talking to Wade, one of Graham's friends about weed and the positive and negative effects, we agreed, like all things, weed should be smoked in moderation.  Too much of any one thing is never a good thing.  

After the Fourth of July, Graham became distant and started smoking on a regular basis.  He became moody and standoffish.  Anytime I'd bring up the weed thing, he would get really angry with me and not talk to me.  He called into work frequently and stayed home a lot to play video games.  It was really bizarre and I didn't know what to do.  It's like he was angry with me for some reason and I tried my best to figure it out.  His attitude rubbed off on me and I tried my damnedest to please him and make him see me differently.  I hadn't done anything to him, I was concerned about him.  I loved him.  

In September it all started to fall apart.  One morning, he was getting ready for work and he fell in the kitchen. I came out and asked him if he was okay.  Before, Graham used to tell me how great if felt to be cared for.  Later that week, we were arguing about something ridiculous, and he said that it really annoyed him that I had come out to make sure he was okay.  Then he confessed to me that the week before we had met, he and his roommate had skipped work the entire week and sat in their apartment and had gotten stoned and played video games.  I was so shocked, I started crying at Da Bronx while eating a slice of pizza.  He came over and tried to console me, but all I could think of was how he had lied to me, he had tricked me into being with him.  

What made it even worse, was that I had become his accomplice.  That summer after the Fourth, Graham had started selling drugs.  I have a friend who used to sell the stuff in large quantities. Graham told me that his roommate wanted a pound to sell to people at work. Being the naive, stupid girl that I was, I believed it and went and got a huge amount for him.  Turns out, every time we would go to a friend of his' house, we weren't just stopping by to say hello, he was dealing.  I didn't go with him always, but this is why he stopped going to work all the time.  This was Graham's new job.  

Here I was;  sitting next to a man who I had fallen in love with, who had never been completely honest with me.  He said that anytime he thought about me, that he would get pissed and annoyed because I was the reason he stopped smoking.  I had never asked that of him because I didn't know he was a stoner.  I would never ask anybody to change for me as I wouldn't change for anyone else.  

Graham and I broke up the day after Halloween, I tried for a month to deal with it.  I had invested nearly a year of my time working on a relationship with him and I didn't want to deal with the emotions of breaking up.  It was not something I looked forward to, but I let my anger eat me up inside and I blew up at him. I broke things off so violently, it still hurts to think about.  And it was horrific, I still loved him and it took about 3 months to finally get away from him.  I was so hurt and so sad that I had let a LIAR into my heart.  I had to move to Florida to get away from him.  And then one day, when I recognized that Graham had never had my best interest at heart, and that he had put me in danger, my heart was relieved.  

Graham recently tried to come back into my life; a year and a half later.  I considered it, but when I remembered the lies and the heartache, I couldn't allow it. As much as I still loved him, and as much as I think I always will, I can't let him.  I think a renewed relationship with him would be different and based on honesty.  I really cared about this man and I would like to give him another chance, but I'm not sure I can trust my heart to him again. 

Thinking of Kahlil Gibran's quote, "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."

Graham has come back, maybe he is supposed to be mine, but I'm not positive I want to be his. 

Since our breakup, I have guarded myself and not let anybody in too close.  If I am to find somebody, I want that person to be forthright about themselves and to be honest with me.  A relationship can never be built upon lies.  If I'm going to love again, I will make sure that he is worthy of me.  I may  not be a fan of marijuana, but I don't think I would have been so against his use had he told me.  I will always have my opinions about weed, but I wouldn't ask anybody to quit for me.  I can never ask that because I like to use it myself on VERY RARE occasions, but I will be vocal in my sentiments regarding long term use, but that's because I don't like to see people dependent on drugs.  I have researched the drug extensively and I know what it does to the brain.  It's not a medication to cure anything, it's a downer and it has been linked to worsening depression in those who have it. If it is to be used, it should be used recreationally only.    

I think Graham was depressed and being that I'm a very caring person, I tend to absorb the feelings and sentiments of others. I believe my depression is linked to him.  I believe that guarding myself for the time-being is necessary as I don't think I want to be hurt like that again.  Love is a complicated thing, and I want to wait for somebody who is worthy of me.  I think I'll know it when I see it.