Settling and Being Emotionally Mature

My most recent gmail status says, "I'm an extremist. I like to have a lot of fun, but I can also be very serious. My emotional capacity is large." And if you don't like it, FUCK OFF!

I wrote that and have been thinking all day about my situation. I'm not in any bad situation. I'm enjoying my life. I'm doing all the things that I like to do and I'm pretty confident that I'm good at what I'm doing. There is only one part of my life that seems to always end up going awry, my thinking.

One of my favorite quotes is from Ayn Rand's novel, Atlas Shrugged, and it here it is:

"i like to think of fire held in a man's hand.

fire, a dangerous force, tamed at his fingertips.

i often wonder about the hours when a man sits alone,

watching the smoke of a cigarette, thinking.

i wonder what great things have come from such hours.

when a man thinks, there is a spot of fire alive in his mind--

and it is proper that he should have the burning point of a cigarette

as his one expression."

I love this quote because, even though I am not a man, it is how I view myself. My brain is constantly on fire, analyzing ways to do things better, how to be more creative, figuring out how people think, learning how my own mind works and what is behind my thought processes. Unfortunately my thinking turns others away and often leaves me feeling rejected. I think so often to myself, what the hell did I do? And of course, like everything else! this leads me to think of my past relationships with people, especially men of course. Just a side note, I don't talk a lot about my girlfriends because for the most part I have NO problems communicating with them. I think I'm very lucky to have found women in my life who I can relate to and who don't take their thinking brains for granted. My closest friends (you know who you are girls) are incredibly intelligent, confident and beautiful women. That's not to say that occasionally they don't have moments of confusion and emotional hang-ups. What's great about them, is that they are like me, in tune and capable of dealing with whatever challenges that arise. And I don't think they are necessarily lucky to be with the men they are with, they are fortunate to have found the ones that are equally emotionally available and who understand that relationships take time to grow. They understand that relationships don't just happen, and are able to grow with the women they are with.

So, where am I going with this you ask. Well here goes: Two men that I have dated in the past have told me during our breakups that they didn't want to settle. I'll admit, to hear those words hurts and it stings deep down. It has made me feel like, "what the fuck is wrong with me?" I've done a lot of thinking about this, and guess what? Nothing is wrong with me, something is wrong with YOU! So, I'm not emotionally stable ALL the time! BIG DEAL! Nobody is. The reason that you think you're settling is because you don't have a clue as to how to deal with a woman who thinks. A girl who has the occasional emotional setback isn't repellant, she's just trying to figure out what's going on in her brain. What many men don't realize, is that once she gets out of her funk, she's usually a MUCH stronger person. A man that is frightened by a woman who has emotions and the capacity to think them through, is the one who is emotionally IMMATURE. A woman who finds herself dealing with a man who can't just say, "hey, it's gonna be cool" and let her figure it out, should turn the other way and run; and run fast.

What's unfortunate is that the world is full of unworthy men who think they are the shit! And the one that told me that he didn't want to date me because I have too many opinions and theories, I say good luck with finding your ideal stupid housewife! I have a brain and by God, I'm going to use it! Thank you Ayn Rand for being a thinking, intelligent woman during a time when women were just supposed to be at a man's ever whim.