What Breaks Us Apart

Two weeks ago I was distraught, I felt misled, I felt hurt. I had lost two very important people in my life and one of them didn't have a say in how things turned out.  I hate to admit it, but I love both of them and it didn't last long enough to find out what could have happened.  One of them will never remember me and that pains me as I know I will always remember him and the glimpse of what it could have been like to unconditionally love another human.  I couldn't understand how somebody who had said, "you make me want to be a better person," could want to be without me.  How could I not be the 100% he was looking for?  Why didn't I measure up?  I have so much to offer to another person.  My friend Ashley said it best, "maybe he couldn't be the better person that he knew you deserved."  Those words made everything fall into place.  The pressure that weighed on my heart lifted and I've felt at peace with that part of it.  If only he could have seen that I am the one who chooses what is best for me, the one that figures out what I deserve.  

(Maybe his situation wouldn't allow him to take me out as he may have wanted, but I don't think I ever asked for much.  The best night I spent with him was the evening we made pita sandwiches after he hurt himself at work.  Being with him was enough, holding his hand while we slept is what I longed for, putting my head on his shoulder brought warmth to my heart.  I was with a good man, what more could I deserve?  To love his character is what I wanted more than anything.  But I lost it, and I don't think through any fault of my own.  His decision to end it, I believe, was based on his own inability to live in peace with his self-perceived imperfections.) This paragraph goes two paragraphs down...I can't cut and paste on blogger for some reason...  

He said he didn't want to smoke or drink as much as he did.  Could my words have affected him THAT much that he thought he couldn't achieve these things for ME?   One evening, as we left Northeast Kansas City to ride back to my place, his cigarette lighter ran out of fluid.  We had a quick bicker over how bad smoking is for you, and he told me that smoking was one of the few pleasures that he enjoyed and to leave it alone.  I never told him to stop smoking, I simply told him the benefits of having healthy lungs. Or maybe it was my concern for his incessant coughing in the mornings. As much as I would have liked him to be healthy, I never would have told him to quit. One cannot make decisions for others or based on another's opinions.  Fortunately, to kiss him, one would never have known he was a smoker.  I only cared for his health, maybe he couldn't be healthy for me.  I would hope that if somebody were to make the decision to stop smoking, it would be for him or herself, not another person. 

The Friday night before I moved into my new apartment, I lay in his bed on the verge of sleep.  He leaned his head through the door and said, "I gotta eat something, you got the spins?"  I looked up at him shocked, "no, I'm fine." The next morning I asked him, "did you think I was drunk last night?"  I told him that I didn't like to have hangovers and that I knew my limit, and that I knew when to stop.  I think for him, drinking is a sport and done to the extremes.  I want to live a healthy lifestyle, could my behavior have affected his decision that he might not be good for me?  

We all make decisions in our lives that bring us to who we are.  Some of us make poor decisions in regards to our lives.  Just because I have never experienced a hard life of drugs, alcohol, sex, and all those other things, doesn't mean that I am too good for somebody who has.  My decisions have not always been based on the desire to have a healthy life, they have been affected by fear.  I have never done an abundance of drugs because I was afraid of what addiction could do to me.  I never drank too much after watching my best friend black out and almost die; after hearing of my sister's alcohol poisoning when she was 15.  I have never had a great sexual relationship because I was afraid to endure the hardships of possibly raising a child alone.  

I am a product of fear, but my life hasn't been without times of pleasure.  I hope that if he reads this, he understands that just because some of us have made good decisions in our lives, doesn't mean that we are better.  I never intended on being a "role model" as my cousin Kelly once told me I was.  I've always just wanted to live, and make mistakes like everyone else. But my fear has held me back on many occasions. Not feeling capable of taking risks doesn't make me better, it makes me less experienced.  I know I deserve a good person in my life, but I'd like to be the one to make that decision. So many decisions have been made for me, I think it's my turn to decide what's best for me.