30 Going on 13

A few years ago there was a movie starring Jennifer Garner titled "13 Going on 30." I think back on my childhood and teenage years and wonder why I would EVER want to be old. As kids, we think that adults have no rules to follow, nobody breathing down our necks to get things done. Aren't we ever surprised to find out that things just get more and more complicated and the rules that we thought would disappear only become more complex. The relationships with our parents either becomes stressed or it becomes easier. In my case, a little of both.

I'm 31 now and I remember the day I turned 25. I think of my 20s and realize how tumultuous they were, and how comparable they were to a teenager's experiences. When most people had already figured out their problems and attacked them head on, I was still discovering what I really wanted out of life. I wanted a boyfriend like nobody's business, I wanted someone to belong to. But this feeling isn't a normal feeling that a 25 year old should have. A 25 year old, (according to psychologists) should be self-aware and ready to find a mate and establish consistency for their lives. At 25, I felt like I was maybe able to finally break out of my insulated life. I still cannot believe the effect my parents, especially my father, had on me at that age. Most people begin to distance themselves from their parents during their teens. Many are able to manifest a self-sustaining lifestyle by their early twenties. I often feel like until I was 26, I was still hand-cuffed to them. I felt that my every move, my every decision was still governed by their ruling fists. I was afraid of the world, afraid of people, afraid of myself, afraid of what companionship should look like.

I just rode my bike to see a guy that I really like, but who I broke things off with because I wanted to be fair to myself. I really wanted him to be my boyfriend, but I didn't think he could meet that expectation for me. I have three very important rules that a man must meet to be eligible to be with me... and unfortunately, he didn't meet the most important number one rule. In my mid twenties until very recently, I was willing to bend those rules. As a result, I have only been met with heartache. I'm not willing anymore to bend because I want a man that can live up to my expectations. It hurts to see him because I care so very much for him. I see his life and how it doesn't match with mine. I wanted it to, but I don't think it ever can. Maybe, but I'm done wasting my time trying to be lenient with what I want. I want my life to be good. I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't realized what I wanted so much later than others. I know their are people out there who are much more fucked up than me and I'm not sad about where I am. If I believed in re-incarnation, I would wonder what I did in a past life to get to where I am now. I have hope for my future, I have hope that I will find love. But what comforts me now most, is that I value myself, and one of these days I will find somebody that will value all those same things. It's not a futile endeavor to pursue and I will remain hopeful as always.

The end! Not for the blog though. I'll keep going until blogspot doesn't exist I suppose!