Jekyll or Hyde...

I recently finished reading Robert Louis Stevenson's short novel, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Don't worry, I'm not going to give a review or report on this book as everyone has some idea of what the whole thing is about.

Okay, just a little bit of background. It isn't a scary story, at least for our time. We are so used to reading or watching terribly horrific fiction.  Close your eyes if you haven't read this book, but there is only one murder and it is nuthin like I've read in more modern books.  Jekyll/Hyde is not a murder mystery or a who-dun-it story. It is a psychological study on human nature. The other night, I texted a friend of mine, "do you think people can be inherently good or bad?" At first glimpse, yes, Dr. Jekyll is inherently bad. He lets his alter-ego, or as Freud would say, his ego take over.  He succumbs almost unwillingly to this part of himself that seeks out the pleasurable aspects of his life.  For Jekyll it wasn't an inherently good person, it was a person who was just plain bad, plain evil. Even the description of this Mr. Hyde repulses all who come into contact with him.  It isn't often that an author gives the reader an opportunity to "see" what evil looks like. Many of us where the masks of goodness, what society wants us to see, and that is Dr. Jekyll.

After having read this book, I took a good long look at myself and wondered... behind this innocent looking face is a mad woman. I wouldn't go out on a limb and say I'm evil, but I can be really bad.  I can be coniving and downright spiteful.  This is the part of me that I struggle with on a daily basis. I want to be a good person, I have been working to be a good person.  Last night I spoke to the first man that ever told me that he loved me.  He told me how wonderful of a person I am and that I deserve so much happiness. We broke up nearly 8 years ago, and I know the person that I was deep down inside. I wanted adventure, I wanted an exciting life. With him I was on a path of marriage, kids, happy home in the suburbs.  I knew though that I wasn't ready for that life. I wasn't sure if it was a life I ever wanted. Hell, I was 23 years old, I knew nothing about what I wanted.  But I knew that the person this man loved was not the real me. I was raging against myself on the inside, I needed to get out. When I think about the transition I made then, I realize that I let out my Mr. Hyde.  I wanted to satisfy every innate part of nature within my being.

I will be 32 this year and I have satisfied that part of me that I thought would make me happy. Now I feel trapped into an endless cycle of bad choices. I have become an almost hateful person at times. I expect so much from others and am endlessly disappointed when they don't return what I need from them.  This is a part of me that has manifested over time by the bad decisions I have made.  I'm really making myself sound like a terrible person.  To me I am a terrible person, and I think a lot of people would think that I am not really, but to feel this way on the inside is what is torturous.  What bothers me is that people think I'm good, but they only see what I let out. The part that bothers me the most is that all these things on the inside that make me the bad person that I am is done through desperation. I am desperate at this point in my life. I want things to go right for me at all costs.  All costs though generally leads to all loss, leaving me angrier and more desperate.

Right now I am Mr. Hyde, but I desperately want to Dr. Jekyll. I know that I am a good person, I want my life to be healthy, mentally as well as physically. I want to be happy and I'm not. I think only when I can quell the rage of my Mr. Hyde then I can live life freely. What scares me is that I'm not sure Jekyll is strong enough. My focus is empowerment and if I want to really love and offer the best I can to this world, then I must, I must overcome this part of me that I want so badly to be rid of.

My ex-boyfriend told me over and over last night how I am such a wonderful person. I know I can be, and that is really what I want more than anything.  I believe that we are both good and bad, but sometimes we let the bad take over for too long. I am ready to let Jekyll, the good nature of my being, take over again.

Sometimes

I just want to scream to the world... What the Fuck did I do? Why do I so often get handed shit? I'm a good person. I deserve goodness.

I wrote that above line when I was feeling pissy about my life, then I got an e-mail to end all e-mails. Something that has left me nervous and shaky. It is shit that has been handed to me, and this time all my depression and lack of self-esteem has accumulated in one ball of shit, shit, shit. It's like I manifest badness into my life. Why? I try to remain positive even when I tell myself I am crap. I want goodness out of this life. I can only imagine how much shittier life would be if I focused on the negative all the time.

Testing tomorrow and I hope everything turns out okay. Love my life... but at this point I'm so fed up with everything.

Silence is Golden

but...

You can hurt with your words, but you can also hurt with your silence. ~Paulo Coehlo

True, so very true. My favorite writer never fails to amaze me.... Maybe I'll break this silence tomorrow, or the next day. We'll see.

Himawari

Live in the Now

I have been laying here in bed with the intent of writing about something. I just got back from spending a full three days with my family in Florida.  That should be impetus enough to write about something as something monumental always happens. My family is erratic and our goals and ambitions in life are so different. Usually these moments receive a lot of reflection on my part. Our moments together are generally highly stressed and tense, and this time more than usual.  Maybe it's no wonder that I have nothing to relate today.

My first day back has been busy, but I think the left over stress of family time has left me hostile and volatile. Not only have I been in a bad mood today, I just don't have the patience to deal with people.

I wrote my last blog about two weeks ago.  These couple of weeks have been great, reconciliation is on the upswing in Coco's life. And for that I could not be more grateful. But at the same time, I have lost a friend that I'm not sure I can trust again. I've been carefree without this person, but at the same time I think about all the good things that he offered. The only problem is that I am unwilling to cave based on my principles. I am worthy of being treated in the way that I deserve.  There are things that I am not willing to relent on. I believe I deserve an apology. If it doesn't happen, I'm guessing the friendship may not be restored... which sucks because I really do value this person. If only he could value me as more than just an object. I am a person who deserves to be respected.  My only objective in this scenario is to remain steadfast in my values because I'm worth it.  

And about being patient, I have to be just that. I keep telling myself that I can be, but it's so hard when what you really want is not readily available. Sometimes only nurture, comfort and compassion can ready what we seek in life.  I guess I just have to continue living in the now providing diligence and comfort.  I cannot make things happen in an instant. I believe very much in being able to will the things you want out of life into being, but sometimes it takes patience. One must remain positive and when the person, place, or thing dilly-dallies or has to figure things out for him/her/itself, then that is the only thing that can be done. Remain positive, remain patient, continue living the adventure of life.  If one stops completely just waiting around, then life can pass by too quickly.  When we set our minds to accomplishing what we strive for, then those things will happen. We must remain steadfast, but we also must remember to live.

I hope to follow this as closely as I can. I can, and I will. Fingers crossed.

God Loves Women Part II

Well, apparently God loves women, but His men cannot see past the ends of their noses to get that.  Okay, not all men, men of faith... Alright, alright; just a few men of faith.  But believing that women cannot lead the church? That's downright backwards.  One of the reasons that I wrote the previous blog was because I believe in women's rights and female empowerment. As a society as humans, we are all together, we are all connected to each other, so therefore, we are inherently equal. We are all capable of understanding our world, and being that I do believe in God, I am capable of understanding Him or Her (covering all my bases here) to the best of my ability.

So, one of my co-workers, and yes he is a reader and I don't really care that he can will read this (sorry dude), told me this:

1. When women preach the gospel, they gain three followers.
2. When children preach the good news, they gain ten followers.
3. A man can gain one hundred.

What I loved about this argument was the hesitation in his voice when he said one hundred. Puh-leez! He then asked me how many times I read the Bible a week. I read the passages that my Pastor assigns several times and in about 5 different variations.  My co-worker proceeded to let me know that if I didn't read the Bible at least 4 times a week, I wouldn't get anything out of the message. Double puh-leez! If you ask me, this was a feeble attempt to show his superiority as a man. Blah.  As a woman, I am able to have children, I am able to give life to another human.  So women are by far the superior sex! Don't try to argue it, I'm just right on this one.

I feel I need to take a minute here to explain how I approach the readings I do every week.

1. I read the scripture
2. I do historical research on what was happening in the world around the time that book was written.
3. I research journal articles that basically dissect the scripture and give in depth meaning to them.
4. I read several different sermons or interpretations of the text.
5. I re-read the scripture, which now has more meaning to me because I know what it's about.
6. I keep in mind that the Bible was essentially written by man.

Number 5 can be a taboo subject with the Bible Beaters.  It creates a lot of arguments and accusations, "If you were truly faithful, you would accept the Bible as the word of God." First of all, nobody can determine my faithfulness for me, I do.  And second, I do accept it as the Word of God, but written by the hand of (wo)man. Anything that goes through human hands is apt to be fallible. This is why I use caution when consulting the Bible.  I am a historian, I look for the closest thing to truth that I can. Historians dig, they analyze, they compare. I'm not saying that I am right, but I think I put a lot of effort into understanding the scriptures.

When I am able to understand better, I am able to convey the message better. And being educated about something you believe in, is more powerful than just saying, "the Bible says this." It's too vague, it's too interpreted, it has been translated to the point where some meanings of words have changed over time. It is important to challenge oneself to find historical studies of the era in which these scriptures are set. I think being that I do this, allows me to gain more followers... more than three anyway.

Like Patrick said, women are open to new things more than men... and studying allows me to further understand what I have opened my heart and my brain to.

Peace!

God Loves Women

This past Sunday was Mother's Day and like a good Christian I went to church and celebrated my mother, my grandmother, all mothers.  This is the second year that I've heard our Pastor preach on Mother's Day and he is so good at it.  He recognizes all women. What I like most about Patrick is that almost every sermon recognizes the role of women not only in the world, but in the history of the church. I think too often we forget that when we personify the church, we address it as HER. 

I'm just going to rehash what Patrick talked about this past Sunday. Not too many young people attend my church anymore, so I think this is my way of passing along what I find important in Christianity these days.

Why women are SO important to Christianity:

1. If you take a look at the gospels, a woman is the first person to know that God will become human. Not only will the Divine walk among Humans, but He will become human.  And Mary, a woman, is the one who gets to bear him, bring Him into the world.  If you ask me, Mary is the FIRST Christian.  Women seem to be the ones in the Bible who are open to something new.  Joseph, Mary's husband couldn't believe it, he sought divorce from Mary until an Angel approached him.  Funny how even back in the day, men weren't listening to women.  Mary believed it right away, she didn't have to be convinced. 

And what about the resurrection, the Angels in the tomb addressed women, one of who was Mary Magdalene.  Remember, Mary Magdalene anointed Jesus.  Some historians argue that MM was from a royal or high standing family in Israel and that she was a main financier of Jesus' tour of the Holy Land.  It is important to remember, that things were not much different from our times. One cannot simply travel throughout the country without some kind of financing. Even when we retire and take that RV trip to the sunny States, we have to have money. Jesus, like us, needed money to teach the message.  But I digress. MM and the other women who went to prepare Jesus' body in the tomb did not find him. Instead they encountered two strangers who said He had been resurrected.  Being the faithful disciples they were, they quickly went to tell the men... WHO did not believe them. They HAD to see for themselves.  Ah men...

So women are open to something new.  And the first convert in Europe was Lydia from Macedonia.  She invited the disciples into her home to prove that she believed.  Ah women, moving the church forward simply because we are more open to change!

I believe this to be true, even when I consider my role in Christianity. When I was 24 until about 27, I was very much a non-believer. Before that I had been going to church, trying to find a reason to believe. I never tried to convince people to not believe, but I certainly was a doubting Thomas. But I was willing to keep my mind open. I guess in a way, I remained faithful that God would reach me. I took that time to explore other religions and beliefs.  One evening, while watching a simple documentary about physics, I found God again. Ever since then, I've been a believer. I am still not about pushing my beliefs onto people, but I have found life to be so much more significant seeing that there is a purpose, there is reason for life on earth.

2.  Women are able to see into people. We can see the inherit worth of people, we can see into the pain. Just last night, I could feel the pain of a friend through a simple e-mail.  I told my friend that I had faith that things would be okay and passed along my favorite scripture, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."  Mark 11: 24  Life can be good again, and accepting the pain within provides the path to healing. Some situations in life can be devastating, but there is the Spirit in all of us which allows us to heal.  Everybody probably knows the "Footprints in the Sand" poem, and it's true, God is always with us, and He carries us when we are in pain. When we cannot find the strength within each of us, he guides us to the resources we need. I know this more than anything.

3.  And women are good with messes.  Not as in we enjoy messes, but we are not nearly as afraid to engage in the messes of the world. Think about the first women who served as nurses in the battlefields during World War One.  These women left their homes to save the lives or comfort those in the passing from this life into the next.  Patrick mentioned the old adage that if women ran the world, there wouldn't be war.  He doesn't know how accurate it is, but I believe it.  Instead of developing weapons, we would probably just spread vicious rumors about each other to get back at each other.  It's interesting to see what women do to protect their pride, we tend to slip off the radar for awhile. We create a little drama, then rebuild ourselves. We accept what we may have done and try to make things better. So yeah, I think a woman would forgo killing... for the most part. 

Although being a woman is sometimes difficult. We have more issues with insecurity and self-esteem, but in the long run, we are amazing. We are often more in tune with our feelings, we want to fix things (not just fix men), we are accepting of change. When we feel at peace with ourselves, the world takes notice and we are able to be of better service to our world. 

Peace friends...

Too tired

I actually have some stuff I want to write about, but I got this quiz on the FB. Being that I don't like sending chain stuff, I thought I'd fill it out here.  Enjoy!

1. What time were  you born?
4 something PM

2. How do you like your steak?
If I ever eat a steak again it will probably be medium well.

3. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Egypt, or just somewhere hot. I definitely love Egypt though.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
uh... I've been up since 1:30 this morning. I can't remember.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
I love, love, love Indian food. Any rich, flavorful (as in spices used) food is my favorite. I love sushi too. Okay, I LOVE food!

8. What foods do you dislike?
Potato chips, they make me have gross burps. And french fries. They are good, but I don't like to eat them.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Korma Sutra and Lulu's, oh and Jun.

10. Favorite dressing?
Ranch, but I very rarely use it. It's so caloric and fattening.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
A 2007 RED Mazda 3. It's amazing!

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Long shorts and tank tops. I ride my bike a lot.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
China... and I'm anti Made in China. Go figure huh? Looks like I will be making that happen next spring. My sister is moving to Beijing.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Fake it til you feel it... 1/2 FULL. Getting there again.

15. Where would you want to retire?
I never thought I would say this, but an RV, on a beach. Some lady at work was talking about taking the winters to go south and it sounded SO relaxing. Or camping somewhere, but the RV would probably have better commodities for the elderly.

16. Favorite time of day?
The time when I get to take naps or get to sleep.

17. Where were you born?
The Show-Me State.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Football, baseball live. I also enjoy watching golf for some reason.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
FB question... doesn't apply here.


20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
See Answer to 19

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
See Answer to 19

22. Bird watcher?
At the beach. I want to make sure they don't get close to me.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
  Depends... am I sleeping? Whenever that happens is the time of day I enjoy the most. And it could be afternoons too.

24. Do you have any pets?
Mr. Truman

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I'm going to be a photographer.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
An actress. I think I wanted to write too. I have a very vivid imagination and made up great stories to tell myself. I remember this clearly.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Camp Wilderness. It was for a family reunion and it was so much fun. I still wear my shirt to bed on occasion. But then again, anytime I got to see my cousins was the best time for me.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Dogs, cats make me sneeze.

29. Are you married?
Nope

30. Always wear your seat belt?
I don't wanna die in my car so yes.

31. Been in a car accident?
Yes, I swerved to miss a deer. And I guess when I was a baby, I don't remember that one though. Just stories about it.

32. Any pet peeves?
People that patronize. I'm not a child to be talked down too. Besides I find it useless to talk down to children also.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Onions & pineapple and mushrooms. I also like Veggie Pizzas.
Man, that made me hungry

34. Favorite Flower?
I don't really like flowers, but the Crazy Daisy Bouquets at work were VERY colorful.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Edy's Slow Churned anything chocolate based.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Taco smell, but I RARELY frequent fast food restaurants. But man, this quiz is making me SO hungry.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
The Michigan one? None. The Missouri one? Twice. I didn't study and the test giver said I was answering as though I were taking a Michigan test. There are lots of snow Qs on the MI one.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Nelnet to remind me that my next student loan payment is due in two weeks!

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Target or Dillards or Macy's or wherever they sell amazingly cute clothes and shoes!

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Let me think... bought a plane ticket? No, that was planned. Geez, nothing? Really? Well, I did cut my g-ma's toenails today.

41. Like your job?
I really do like my job. Sometimes I wonder if the people I work with should be doing their jobs because they seem to dislike it so much.

42. Broccoli?
Yes please!

43. What was your favorite vacation?
My last trip to Ecuador. It was so eventful and so great to see my family.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
I'm not into going out to dinner lately, so I can't remember. Probably to the buffet with my g-parents, they love that stuff.

45. What are you listening to right now?
clickity clack. I really don't listen to that much music anymore. Clicking on iTunes.

46. What is your favorite color?
Any bright color.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
4

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
NONE!

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
Why is that important.

50. Coffee Drinker?
Planning my next coffee shop experience for tomorrow already! Boogity!


Now you know about me, or some random things about me.

I hate it

when they lie... my heart just died about a hundred times. Not a thousand cuz it's not worth it.

Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  I'm tired of making lemonade, I don't have enough room in the fridge anymore.  Tonight I say goodbye to the person who I have given too much of my time too. I grew to love this person more than I should have allowed myself to.  I don't like to brag about myself, but I am a good person. I have so much to offer to someone, but I find those who just can't commit to me whether it be psychological or whatever.  I'm tired of it all, tired of never being good enough. If I cannot be accepted for me, then who do I have to become? I don't want to become anybody else. So, maybe sleeping is the best thing for me.... for right now anyway.

Goodnight world.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever..."  Mohandas Ghandi and of course Joe Alabarces.

I was just checking my blog and saw the quote. It is the mantra for my blog.  I've made mistakes, some which I regret, some which I deeply regret.  What brings me most comfort is knowing that I have learned from them. Life is a constant work in progress and I don't want fear of the consequences of my actions to dictate how I approach my future or the people in it.  Moving on, accepting life as an adventure is what I must hold on to. I cannot hold myself back, I cannot be intimidated by what others will think. 

There is a part of my nature that I do not like, a part that I have been consistently working on. Sometimes I backslide and have to crawl my way back out, but what I learn along the way is worth it.  I think people lie when they say they have no regrets. If we didn't have regrets in life, how would we learn anything? The response I often receive is either, you learn from your mistakes, or it was meant to happen, you can't change the past.  It's true you cannot change the past, but you can learn and try to prevent it from happening again.  But it's still regretful that something has happened that has changed the course of where you wanted things to go.

Go with what feels right today, learn from it if doesn't turn out right.  But don't hold back if it wasn't what you expected. If we always got what we expected, life would be ideal. However, we get a few lemons in the mix. And as they say, sometimes you have to make lemonade.

Live for today, learn for always.

Random Thoughts by Cap't Coco

I've been writing lots, riding lots, running lots. We won Springtime Party at work. Communicated with the dude at corporate, I may be going to talk to him in the next few weeks. YAY! We'll see how that goes.

I tried my hand at some poetry recently and no I do not have a new tattoo on my forearm. I was messing around with Photoshop, which brings me to mentioning that I'm seriously thinking about taking a class this summer at one of the MCCKC campuses. What else? The Waldo Rapist may, let me italicize that, may have been caught. Everyone is thinking they are safe again, but might I remind everyone that rape happens everywhere, and the majority of it goes unreported. Luckily the ladies that were raped did the right thing and reported it.

Gosh, how horrible must it be to be raped. I could not imagine it, which makes me think I really, italicizing again, really need to put together an ongoing self defense class at work. Okay, work on this starts tomorrow ASAP.

I want to invite everyone to check out my favorite blog. This kid just writes and he makes cool clothes. Follow him, or read his blog. So many social networks, so many different ways to "follow." Twitter=Follow, Facebook=friend, MySpace=Can't remember...? Help me out here people. I still check it every now and then for music and entertainment in town.

So, here's the link: http://dressdreams.blogspot.com/

Oh, and I'm doing a photo project, two actually and am going to do some kind of art opening or showing, whatever you want to call it this summer. Probably around my bday. It will be fun! Come one come all!

Peace people, and hey, I am pretty lenient on who can read my blog. Please identify yourself when  using anonymous. I like to know who my readers are, even if I don't KNOW you. I want to read your stuff too! If I can. Goodnite, benedryl is kicking in. Finally.

Sakura

The blossom is over,
No fruit to bare.
No cherry claims this street.
Reminder of impermanence...

Yellow bags of
refuse and debris
A memory
Of a winter,
struggled hard,
 now done...

Blue squares litter yards
Protect against a dieing world.

Flop, flop flop, sneakers hit the bricks
Hair blows, skirt drapes, she sits

On her bench,
Face placid,
Sun absorbed, car dark as night
Blares "His light shines down...."
Into a fade.

Into an abyss her stare
Her eyes, no hint of pain
Her soul bare, open,
Unrelenting...

Past her they run,
Children playing in the park
Whack! The ball flies.
A robin in its nest.

Waiting it seems
For what, not known...

Weathered green bench,
She sits, she waits.