AAAANNNNDDDDD, begin.....again!

This is not a pity party blog, trust me...it gets good.

On September 5th, 2008 my Aunt Julie would have been 56 years old.  To celebrate her birthday, I apparently decided to write a blog about regrets in life.  I wonder if she ever regretted anything.  She was an amazing woman. She was beautiful and through her smile you could tell that she loved life and those people in it.  She was my Godmother.  I miss her dearly. I don't want to make anymore unwise choices in my life.  The ones I have made have been avoidable, but I'm ready to move on and take the lessons I've discovered.   

The blog I published on September 5th was an accumulation of the things I learned about myself during the summer. I was at ease with my life, I felt comfortable in the things I was doing.  I looked forward to each day.  But in the back of my head there was the ever looming trip to France that I was about to embark on.  I indicated that clarity had never been something that I could fully relate to.  I remember during the month of August I would check the classifieds in the paper and company websites for jobs because in my heart I was ready to make the transition into a career.  But the opportunity that I had convinced myself into taking was there.  As much as I wanted to look for new jobs, I consciously pulled myself away from it.  I told myself that the jobs would be there when I came back.  Many of you may be thinking to yourself, "you could have just changed your mind."  It's true, and I only think three people tried to let me know that, my grandpa, my grandma and Jason.  I know my friends would have been supportive of the decision, but I just couldn't wrap my brain around the fact, that not all opportunities lie over seas.  They are here in good old Kansas City.  I knew in my heart that I should stay, but I went against that gut instinct and took the chance. 

I said that if I didn't go, I would regret it and that I was tired of living in the what ifs.  What's ironic about that, is that I went, I regret it and I have been struggling with the what ifs.  What if I had stayed to continue healing myself, what would have happened with Jason, what if I had continued doing my photography, what if I had continued looking for a job.  These are the things I wanted, and now I'm back at square one.

If you've been consistently reading, you are well aware that I came back to Hy-Vee, I had a bit of a mental breakdown and I lost Jason.  

In December I had to get control over my life again.  Calling it square one isn't an entirely accurate statement, but I did have to convince myself that I would get back to where I was. I wanted to feel the way I felt this past summer.  It was difficult to do. I cried a lot in December, but I talked myself into feeling happy. You know what they say, "fake it til you feel it."  I told myself you will get what you want, and I kind of gave myself a deadline. I know some of the things that I'm trying to get back won't come back by then, but for the most part they have.  If you would like to know what happened to make me change my attitude, read my blog from the beginning of this month.  I made a HUGE step towards healing and once I had answers that I had been seeking, I was able to focus on achieving what I want out of life.    

I had a conversation with my friend Ashley about my job hunting. I told her that I had decided to hold out for a job that I really wanted. I don't want to settle for just anything, I want a job that will be a launching point for my career.  I have a job that I actually enjoy, the only problem is that I don't foresee much room for advancement in the career I want to pursue.  Meanwhile I told my boss that I wasn't feeling challenged at work anymore and I asked him what I could do at the Retail level to gain experience for my career path.  Luckily I have a great boss who genuinely wants to see his employees succeed.  He has made a great effort to make my job challenging.  If only I could see a future at Hy-Vee, I would stay because he is definitely the best person I have ever worked for.  I will forever be grateful for his patience with me and his willingness to make my job feel worthwhile.   

With an attitude change and positive outlook, good things come to all of us.  Change comes from within, and without this change I would not been able to motivate myself to make things happen.   I gave the managers of catering at work my business cards to give to couples getting married so I can do photography.  I have an interview for the Kansas City Business Journal on Monday.  I am writing an editorial for the Raytown Post which will be published soon.  I said to another boss of mine right after New Years, "Mike, I want to be a writer."  He looked at me and said, "then write.  You should always do what you think you should do." He told me not to give up on something that feels right to me.   I feel at ease and confident when I write these blogs. I feel comfortable writing about my community.  I want life to be insightful to me and by writing I feel that I find it.  I feel like I know myself and my world when I write.  

Monday is a big day for me and I feel like things are going to begin again.