Forgiveness

I wrote a blog about Reconciliation back in September and it was directed toward one person who I unintentionally may have hurt.  Well, it at least it caused him about 3 days of being standoffish towards me. I'm assuming it was because of confusion.  I have made that blog only available to him and to this day I'm not aware if he has read it or not.  For those of you that don't know what happened, I'm sorry, I am not at liberty to go into details. I will say this, it happened after I had weened myself off my anti-depressants and was feeling insecure.  I should note, that when I weened myself off the drugs, I did not do it under my psychiatrist's supervision. I spent Labor Day weekend in Chicago not knowing what I should do about going to France.  All of you know that I went to France and it has been by far my biggest regret.  I also wrote a blog about regrets and how I don't believe that things happen for a reason.  I think sometimes we make bad choices and they get us to places that we sometimes don't like, but have to adapt to.  Our actions can  sometimes push people out of our lives.  I wrote a blog about the World Revolving Around Each of Us.  We have to look out for number one, but at the same time we have to keep in mind those around us that we care for.  I even suggested that we should loose those people from our lives who intentionally hurt us.  I want to say, that I did not set out on a path to hurt or destroy anybody.  

Today in church, yes I went to church even though my kidney infection has made me miserable, we talked about how God knows all of us.  He doesn't just know our names, he knows our imperfections, our shortcomings, our strengths, our goodness.  The pastor at my church has decided that we will be doing communion at least twice a month now because it strengthens our communion with God.  Not only that, it strengthens our communion with each other.  As humans we often forget that there is a power higher than us that knows us and we seek out other humans to know us.  We find people we can trust and who we feel at ease to be ourselves around. We trust that they will accept us for who we are.  It is our human nature for us to want somebody to KNOW us. Sometimes confiding your true self to another person is one-sided, one person cannot handle being trusted and cannot deal with what the other is laying in front of him or her, while the other is willing to understand.  It's not a shortcoming, but more of a developmental issue.  Sometimes we trust too early and expect others to fix whatever problems we may feel are wrong with us.  I know I'm guilty of this.  And the trust isn't necessarily broken by the one who can't handle the situation, but by the person who can only see what will benefit him or herself.  How one presents the situation to the other person definitely plays a role on how the other will react later on if the issue arises and needs to be addressed.  

I guess what I'm saying is that when you enter a relationship with somebody, you should be up front and honest about any issues you may be dealing with.  It saves a lot of hardship in the end.   If you want somebody to know you, you should be honest with how you deal with it.  If you're still dealing with issues, you should probably learn to know yourself first and have faith in God or your higher power that you will fix yourself and love yourself first.  You may have the most loving person to support you, but in the end, only you are responsible for your life.  Psychiatrists and therapists always ask if you have a good support group, but I think if you want to be strong in your life, you should be able to find the strength within you to support you.  And for me, learning about God helps me see myself with better clarity.  It gives me strength. 

Then comes the part about Forgiveness and Reconciliation.  I talk a lot about forgiveness and I feel like I am forgiving people left and right, especially now.  It actually makes me feel good about myself when I forgive others who I think have hurt me.  The part I find most formidable about the process of forgiveness is ASKING for it.  The good Lord knows that I can do NO wrong.  That's SOOOOO not true.  For the past week,  I have woken up feeling absolutely miserable. I haven't felt depressed, I've felt guilty.  I have this aching feeling that says, "you did something wrong, you need to fix it."  I didn't listen when he said he couldn't deal with my problem, I was tenacious.  I insisted that I was a good person.  While trying to explain myself, I never said I was sorry for the way I acted towards him.  And it makes me feel guilty, the one emotion that really makes us human.  I've done wrong by somebody because I wasn't able to realize that sometimes the Sun Doesn't Always Revolve Around Me.  I should look after myself, but I shouldn't expect the rest of the world to do the same for me.  I ask for forgiveness, and for right now this is the best way I know how to go about it.  Only time will tell how I will ask for this forgiveness.