Nothing Matters When You're Dancing

Yesterday a former employee of mine sent me a text message stating, "regardless of what kind of crap you go through, you are still one of the most fun people to be around, not to mention attractive."  

I'm not going to argue the attractive part because, lets face it, I'm hotstuff!!!  And I'm not going to argue the first part either.  It's been a long time since I've thought that I am a fun person.  It's funny how one little statement can really pull you back into reality.  All the things that you know  you are, suddenly just reappear.  Last Friday after work, Nate (the one who sent me the text) stopped into Hy-Vee and I was so ecstatic to see him.  So far, he and his ex-girlfriend Jenni have been the best employees I have ever had the pleasure of working with.  ..okay, Back to the story...I got off work around 4:30 and decided I would drag him along on a little adventure of finding socks.  I just had to have a pair of Red & Pink Striped Knee High Socks for my Valentine's Day picture with my dog, Mr. T.  Luckily for me, colorful Knee Highs are very popular right now and I knew that Target would have them.  I don't think Nate had any idea what kind of adventure going to Target could be.  I was in my element.  My mission may have been socks, but I'm always looking for ways to create the perfect Pirate outfit that I can wear in public.  So we looked at scarves, gold hoop earrings, other striped socks,  and shoes.  You can never leave any store that sells shoes without looking at them. That is a rule!  Luckily for Nate, I spared him the underwear section. My Grandpa hasn't even been that lucky!

After Nate wrote me that, I thought about my Friday evening and how much fun I had.  I saw my friend Dave at the Crosstown Station where he was running sound for the Tigers, and was my regular silly self with him.  I danced with Justin to the mixings of No Mathematics. I let everything loose, I let myself be me.  I didn't care what the rest of the world thought, I broke down the walls of my negative self perception and allowed myself to be free.  I felt ALIVE!

After that I went to meet up with Mark and Sarah at Chez Charlie and found out as soon as I walked in the door that they didn't show up because I hadn't stayed there earlier.  So here I was, in a bar, by myself.  Fortunately it was bar where I generally know somebody.  I ordered a beer from Bobby and within 2 minutes, this guy two seats down called out my name.  It was a friend of Jason's.  I've never really written much about Jason here, but I guess in a sense he is my ex.  (I never know when to say ex, we never established whether we were bf/gf status, so it's up in the air I guess.  Interpret however you feel appropriate)  His friend informed me that he was outside and coming in shortly.  I'm not gonna lie, I knew full well before I even got close to the bar that there would be a pretty good chance that he would be there. I panicked for about three seconds then I told myself, who cares?  This is my bar, just as much as it is his.  What went down with him happened over two months ago and I can go to a bar and sit by myself if I choose to.  I have forgiven myself and therefore have set myself free.  So I let go of the feelings that I had/have for him and just enjoyed my time there.  I was having fun while I talked to him that evening, and I was just being the me that I know I am.  I'm tired of trying to live up to other people's perceptions of me.  I very rarely give anybody a chance to see the real me. I spend so much time worrying what others want me to be, that I forget exactly who I like the most.  If I want people to know me, then I have to let the real me out ALL the time.  And you know what? That's all people really want from us anyway.  They don't want us to put all our efforts into being somebody they like.  It makes me want to gag thinking that some of us (and I'm guilty too) can loose ourselves so completely just for the acceptance of another person.  What is the point of that?  You will NEVER gain any acceptance from anyone if you strive for that.  It's an impossibility.  Accept yourself first, the rest will fall into place. 

So. Back to me being a fun person. I dressed up like a Pirate for my 30th Birthday, seriously...what's not fun about that?  I like to talk about silly things and laugh alot, okay it's more like giggling, but all the same.  Sometimes my friends Sarah and Ashley will look at me while I'm having a fit and just go "what?"  I see the confusion in their faces, they think I'm crazy sometimes, but whatever.

One little statement, think about that. It can really make you re-evaluate yourself and recognize the qualities about yourself that you may have forgotten you had.  It's such an exciting...I don't, epiphany almost.  I look forward to tomorrow and what it holds.  I look forward to all the days ahead.  I had a great day today and from now on, I will just enjoy the time that I have.  I can't say all my days will be rosy, but they certainly won't always be gloomy.  

There are many more traits about myself that I like, but I'm so glad for the fun one to be back!

I sound like a self-help book.  Yay for me!

Four Weddings and a Quinceaniera

Okay, so it's only two weddings so far, but it just didn't flow.  

Sometimes I wonder why exactly do I want to quit Hy-Vee?  I'm so good at what I do.  But on the other hand, I feel like I should get a "real" job, but the real job that I was offered paid less than the job that I have now.  I manage a One Hour Photo Department at a grocery store in Independence.  It's not a glamorous job, I have to wear a white shirt everyday with dress pants, but for the most part I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.  In addition, I get a lot of extra side work to do, ie: wedding photography, band photography, ad design, and now photo restoration.  And I love doing all these things.  When I told my friend Justin about my interviews and my job offer, he said he couldn't see me doing those things.  When I asked what he saw me doing, he said something in media, or film, or photography. A few months ago when I told Jason that I really wished I could do photography, he told me that it would probably be just something I do on the side.  Hm...now that I do all these things, I think there is more room for me to be working in media somehow.  But at the same time, I feel like I should be writing.  Last night, Jason told me I should get a job at the Kansas City Star, I laughed it off and said "doing what? Writing?" Maybe I'm supposed to do both things. 

One of my favorite books is "The Alchemist," and when I was in Poland I had a conversation with this guy Victor, from Panama.  I told him, I came to France thinking that what I wanted was in a foreign country, but before I left all I could think about was how what I really wanted was right at home in Kansas City.  He asked me if I had read the book and being that I never had, he told me I had to read it right away.  I got back to Paris, went to the American-English bookstore and read it that day.  The general theme of the book is that sometimes the things we desire the most are right where we left them while we went in search for them.  I want to do photography in some form or another.  I contacted this commercial printing place in Kansas City to inquire about doing some training or an apprenticeship. I believe that my place in the world is in photography in some shape or form.  But at the same time I believe that I should be in a position that allows me to become a part of my community.  I'm torn sometimes regarding my position in the world, but its here, in KC. That much I know. There are three avenues I can pursue, and I don't see why I can't do them all.

Oh...the confusion of it all. This just made me analyze things too much. I'll figure it out later. 

First Interview, First Run...a lot less confusion

Oh the confusion!!!  I wrote this Wednesday, published it after I had my second interview on Thursday and got called for another one next week.  Got my weekends messed up for Davenport, which is actually supposed to be Des Moines.  I had inventory at work this weekend and couldn't swing it.  I seriously got calls about what the hell was I doing in KC.   This blog isn't very good, but I wasn't feeling inspired.  I'm feeling more inspired after this weekend and I plan on writing about 5 blogs.  So watch out!

On Monday I had my first interview since I started looking for a new job.  It was a good interview, but the woman who conducted it was overwhelmingly negative about the job position and the lacking opportunity for advancement. I asked her if the prior employees had ever tried to advance within the company and she admitted that no, they had not.  So, I told her, "well, a job is what you make it."  She said I was right and confessed that nobody had ever tried, so she didn't really know if it was possible.  So, I'm not sure if I want this job, but at the same time I want it so I can prove that a job can become anything."  I could move up quite easily at Hy-Vee, and to be quite frank I applied for a different job within the company just to see what would happen.  The pay increase would be considerable and it would definitely be more challenging.  My problem with the position is that I don't know if it will ever accumulate into something that I want to do with my life.  The job I interviewed for definitely has that prospect as far as I'm concerned.  

As far as running goes, I went for a run tonight...on the treadmill in the gym at my apartment building.  I felt so good afterwards that I'm vowing to do it again tomorrow.  We'll see though. I ran two miles and towards the end of it, I was severely winded.  I was going to run the St. Louis Marathon this April, but I vegged out a lot during January and didn't pick my feet up except to go to work.  I did a lot of thinking during this month and if you've read my blogs, you are very much aware of that fact.  

One fun thing I figured out, was what happened to my once perky boobs.  I started running about 3 years ago and I lost them.  When I watched myself on the treadmill tonight, I noticed that my boobies bounce around...lots...so that's what happened.  But that's the price to pay for feeling good I guess.  Running makes my brain mellow and makes me feel like the Pirate/Rockstar that I am.

I'm getting ready to make another trip to Iowa (not gonna say which city, cuz it just confuses the crap out of everyone and myself) to see Special Agent "J" so long as he doesn't freak out if I bring him a gift from Wal-mart.  ...the rest hasn't changed... Today I thought seriously for about an hour to transfer to a store in Cedar Rapids which is an hour and a half away from where he lives.  Then I decided not to, softball season is just around the corner and I want to get my "Ball Buster" shirt, chew Big League Gum and dress like a pirate.  Argh

AAAANNNNDDDDD, begin.....again!

This is not a pity party blog, trust me...it gets good.

On September 5th, 2008 my Aunt Julie would have been 56 years old.  To celebrate her birthday, I apparently decided to write a blog about regrets in life.  I wonder if she ever regretted anything.  She was an amazing woman. She was beautiful and through her smile you could tell that she loved life and those people in it.  She was my Godmother.  I miss her dearly. I don't want to make anymore unwise choices in my life.  The ones I have made have been avoidable, but I'm ready to move on and take the lessons I've discovered.   

The blog I published on September 5th was an accumulation of the things I learned about myself during the summer. I was at ease with my life, I felt comfortable in the things I was doing.  I looked forward to each day.  But in the back of my head there was the ever looming trip to France that I was about to embark on.  I indicated that clarity had never been something that I could fully relate to.  I remember during the month of August I would check the classifieds in the paper and company websites for jobs because in my heart I was ready to make the transition into a career.  But the opportunity that I had convinced myself into taking was there.  As much as I wanted to look for new jobs, I consciously pulled myself away from it.  I told myself that the jobs would be there when I came back.  Many of you may be thinking to yourself, "you could have just changed your mind."  It's true, and I only think three people tried to let me know that, my grandpa, my grandma and Jason.  I know my friends would have been supportive of the decision, but I just couldn't wrap my brain around the fact, that not all opportunities lie over seas.  They are here in good old Kansas City.  I knew in my heart that I should stay, but I went against that gut instinct and took the chance. 

I said that if I didn't go, I would regret it and that I was tired of living in the what ifs.  What's ironic about that, is that I went, I regret it and I have been struggling with the what ifs.  What if I had stayed to continue healing myself, what would have happened with Jason, what if I had continued doing my photography, what if I had continued looking for a job.  These are the things I wanted, and now I'm back at square one.

If you've been consistently reading, you are well aware that I came back to Hy-Vee, I had a bit of a mental breakdown and I lost Jason.  

In December I had to get control over my life again.  Calling it square one isn't an entirely accurate statement, but I did have to convince myself that I would get back to where I was. I wanted to feel the way I felt this past summer.  It was difficult to do. I cried a lot in December, but I talked myself into feeling happy. You know what they say, "fake it til you feel it."  I told myself you will get what you want, and I kind of gave myself a deadline. I know some of the things that I'm trying to get back won't come back by then, but for the most part they have.  If you would like to know what happened to make me change my attitude, read my blog from the beginning of this month.  I made a HUGE step towards healing and once I had answers that I had been seeking, I was able to focus on achieving what I want out of life.    

I had a conversation with my friend Ashley about my job hunting. I told her that I had decided to hold out for a job that I really wanted. I don't want to settle for just anything, I want a job that will be a launching point for my career.  I have a job that I actually enjoy, the only problem is that I don't foresee much room for advancement in the career I want to pursue.  Meanwhile I told my boss that I wasn't feeling challenged at work anymore and I asked him what I could do at the Retail level to gain experience for my career path.  Luckily I have a great boss who genuinely wants to see his employees succeed.  He has made a great effort to make my job challenging.  If only I could see a future at Hy-Vee, I would stay because he is definitely the best person I have ever worked for.  I will forever be grateful for his patience with me and his willingness to make my job feel worthwhile.   

With an attitude change and positive outlook, good things come to all of us.  Change comes from within, and without this change I would not been able to motivate myself to make things happen.   I gave the managers of catering at work my business cards to give to couples getting married so I can do photography.  I have an interview for the Kansas City Business Journal on Monday.  I am writing an editorial for the Raytown Post which will be published soon.  I said to another boss of mine right after New Years, "Mike, I want to be a writer."  He looked at me and said, "then write.  You should always do what you think you should do." He told me not to give up on something that feels right to me.   I feel at ease and confident when I write these blogs. I feel comfortable writing about my community.  I want life to be insightful to me and by writing I feel that I find it.  I feel like I know myself and my world when I write.  

Monday is a big day for me and I feel like things are going to begin again.  

Boys who Like Girls who Like Boys

This is a story of fiction...

She was twenty three, he was twenty five.  The two had a friendship that was trusting and caring, but never romantic.  As it usually happens, their friendship began to fade. The last time she saw him, he said, "I can't believe you don't have any passion for anything in your life." The words stung, but she shrugged it off and continued living her carefree life, blissfully unaware of the world that resided outside her sphere.  Her mentality was to live in the moment, his was searching for wisdom.  The friendship ended silently.  The two went their separate ways, looking for what brought them joy.

Her carefree life took her on a roller coaster ride of partying and bad decisions. She refused to grow up, she wanted these moments to go on and on.  As she reached the age of twenty six, she began to see that her life could be much more than what it was.  She became wary of her friends She questioned the purpose for their involvement in her life.  Were they hindering her from growing? Were they contributing to her purposeless life?  Would her lifestyle be the same if she decided to change?  The answer was no, she had continued with them because she had chosen that life.  She began to want more, she knew that EVERYTHING would have to change.  She marveled at how her group of friends had managed to take on responsibilities in their lives while she had continued her destructive behavior.  She fell apart and had to rebuild herself into what she really wanted. She was ready to seek out wisdom, she wanted to grow into adulthood.

His life had continued to progress and became prosperous. Not only in wealth, but in self determination and awareness.  He knew where he wanted life to take him and he sought it out. He worked the necessary jobs to get where he wanted to be.  He met a woman he wanted to marry, he bought a house where they could live.  He developed purposeful friendships.  In the end, he lost the girl, but he maintained the wisdom and experience he had so assiduously worked for.  

Seven years later, she saw him across a crowded room and instantly left her group of friends to seek him out.  She approached him with apprehension. The reunion was surprising and unexpected.  The air hung with the air of happy reminiscence.  They stood across from each other, superficially updating each other's lives, yet happy to be in each other's presence.  She left with her current lover and the phone number of her long lost friend. (who she incidently had never deleted) It was as though she subconsciously knew that one day they would find each other again.  

Two months later the two sat comfortably side by side as if no time had passed. They talked with the ease of long time friends as though they had seen each other everyday for the past seven years.  Then she said it, "I've been thinking about our friendship and how interesting it was."  They spoke of how they never really knew what the other one wanted from the other.  They had been in opposite places in their lives. She held onto her youth, and he propelled forward.  She stood to leave, he stood to walk her out. He lingered beneath the archway that separates the two rooms and nervously confessed, "When we were hanging out, I always wanted to kiss you."  She looked nervously up at him and asked, "do you want to kiss me now?" He stammered a reply as she walked towards him and then kissed him regardless of his answer.  

There are times in life when moments cannot be passed.  Sometimes one must ignore their insecurities or confusion about the situation and take a chance.  Gaining wisdom can be gained while taking a chance.  She took that chance, not thinking about what the future would hold.  She didn't worry about what it would all mean.....

She lived in the moment again, she was at ease. 

Forgiveness

I wrote a blog about Reconciliation back in September and it was directed toward one person who I unintentionally may have hurt.  Well, it at least it caused him about 3 days of being standoffish towards me. I'm assuming it was because of confusion.  I have made that blog only available to him and to this day I'm not aware if he has read it or not.  For those of you that don't know what happened, I'm sorry, I am not at liberty to go into details. I will say this, it happened after I had weened myself off my anti-depressants and was feeling insecure.  I should note, that when I weened myself off the drugs, I did not do it under my psychiatrist's supervision. I spent Labor Day weekend in Chicago not knowing what I should do about going to France.  All of you know that I went to France and it has been by far my biggest regret.  I also wrote a blog about regrets and how I don't believe that things happen for a reason.  I think sometimes we make bad choices and they get us to places that we sometimes don't like, but have to adapt to.  Our actions can  sometimes push people out of our lives.  I wrote a blog about the World Revolving Around Each of Us.  We have to look out for number one, but at the same time we have to keep in mind those around us that we care for.  I even suggested that we should loose those people from our lives who intentionally hurt us.  I want to say, that I did not set out on a path to hurt or destroy anybody.  

Today in church, yes I went to church even though my kidney infection has made me miserable, we talked about how God knows all of us.  He doesn't just know our names, he knows our imperfections, our shortcomings, our strengths, our goodness.  The pastor at my church has decided that we will be doing communion at least twice a month now because it strengthens our communion with God.  Not only that, it strengthens our communion with each other.  As humans we often forget that there is a power higher than us that knows us and we seek out other humans to know us.  We find people we can trust and who we feel at ease to be ourselves around. We trust that they will accept us for who we are.  It is our human nature for us to want somebody to KNOW us. Sometimes confiding your true self to another person is one-sided, one person cannot handle being trusted and cannot deal with what the other is laying in front of him or her, while the other is willing to understand.  It's not a shortcoming, but more of a developmental issue.  Sometimes we trust too early and expect others to fix whatever problems we may feel are wrong with us.  I know I'm guilty of this.  And the trust isn't necessarily broken by the one who can't handle the situation, but by the person who can only see what will benefit him or herself.  How one presents the situation to the other person definitely plays a role on how the other will react later on if the issue arises and needs to be addressed.  

I guess what I'm saying is that when you enter a relationship with somebody, you should be up front and honest about any issues you may be dealing with.  It saves a lot of hardship in the end.   If you want somebody to know you, you should be honest with how you deal with it.  If you're still dealing with issues, you should probably learn to know yourself first and have faith in God or your higher power that you will fix yourself and love yourself first.  You may have the most loving person to support you, but in the end, only you are responsible for your life.  Psychiatrists and therapists always ask if you have a good support group, but I think if you want to be strong in your life, you should be able to find the strength within you to support you.  And for me, learning about God helps me see myself with better clarity.  It gives me strength. 

Then comes the part about Forgiveness and Reconciliation.  I talk a lot about forgiveness and I feel like I am forgiving people left and right, especially now.  It actually makes me feel good about myself when I forgive others who I think have hurt me.  The part I find most formidable about the process of forgiveness is ASKING for it.  The good Lord knows that I can do NO wrong.  That's SOOOOO not true.  For the past week,  I have woken up feeling absolutely miserable. I haven't felt depressed, I've felt guilty.  I have this aching feeling that says, "you did something wrong, you need to fix it."  I didn't listen when he said he couldn't deal with my problem, I was tenacious.  I insisted that I was a good person.  While trying to explain myself, I never said I was sorry for the way I acted towards him.  And it makes me feel guilty, the one emotion that really makes us human.  I've done wrong by somebody because I wasn't able to realize that sometimes the Sun Doesn't Always Revolve Around Me.  I should look after myself, but I shouldn't expect the rest of the world to do the same for me.  I ask for forgiveness, and for right now this is the best way I know how to go about it.  Only time will tell how I will ask for this forgiveness.

Culture Shock

I am an American, but sometimes our culture shocks me.  My grandmother came home from the hospital last night and I decided that because she is on a restricted diet, I would make her and my grandpa Vegetarian Chili. The trick was to do it without her knowing it was meatless. Of course I bought the Boca Crumbles and it passed as ground beef.  Those Boca product people are slick!

When I entered the store, I noticed a sign that said, "A Clean Store Starts With You!" Underneath the sign was a supply of handi-wipes to disinfect your hands and your cart.  This isn't the first time that I've seen this statement at a grocery store, but while I was browsing through the aisles for my groceries, it dawned on me that we are a nation obsessed with cleanliness.  One often hears the statement, "cleanliness is next to Godliness." I have a rebuttal for that one.  God in my understanding is a force of energy that put the universe into motion and ultimately allowed for life to come into existence here on this planet, and I'm pretty sure on others as well.  When I think of the Universe, the galaxies, our solar system, our planets, I think of nature. When I think of nature, I think of hiking, camping, fishing...you know, all the things that are dirty.  So in MY humble opinion, "Dirt is next to Godliness." Seriously!

I believe that if we were to allow a little dirt and germs into our lives, we would have a better chance at fighting infections.  Keeping ourselves completely sterile is a waste of time.  I believe in washing my hands after I go to the bathroom or I take out the garbage, but I don't believe in sanitizing my hands every time I walk into a grocery store, or any store for that matter.  I'm not a dirty person, so why should I?  The inevitable argument! What about protecting ourselves from the dirty people that do exist out there.  Here's my solution, ignore it.  If you know that you are clean, chances are you are going to maintain that lifestyle and you are more than likely going to wash your hands eventually.  My point here is that we are obsessed with cleanliness.  I've heard that other cultures say we Americans smell like anti-septic, when we visit their countries.  

I think maybe my attitude towards this societal obsession comes from my experience living in a developing nation from the age of 10-14.  Ecuador did not offer the most sanitary living conditions.  Our family lived in a clean home of course, but there were times when toilets couldn't be flushed for days because of power outages and other random infrastructure problems. Imagine going to the bathroom in a toilet that is full of poo.  It's kind of sickening I know, but that's the way life is in some areas of the world.  And I will admit that dysentery and cholera were still major issues in the poorer areas of that nation.  But without a little bacteria around for our bodies to fight off, we become less tolerant of illnesses that our bodies should be able to tackle without the aide of antibiotics. 

I moved to Ecuador over 20 years ago, but I know that much of the world is still developing and what we have here is not available in those areas of the world. Two years ago I went to Egypt where sanitation is not to the level that we have here.  Blanca, Annie and I climbed to the top of an old Roman gate, Bab Zweila, in Cairo and were able to look down on the cramped and clustered buildings.  Piled on the rooftops were mass amounts of garbage.  In France, people eat raw hamburger meat with raw eggs.  What I'm trying to get at, is that THE REST OF THE WORLD DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DIRT! 

I think as Americans, we should allow a little dirt into our lives and just deal with it. Screw those little bottles of hand-sanitizers. Get dirty, roll around in it. Have fun with it and stop worrying that your kid's friend's snot is going to get your kid sick. Kids get sick, we all get sick, let's just deal with it. 

Slumdog Millionaire

Jamal Malik is about to become a millionaire because

a) He is lucky

b) He is a genius

c) He cheated

d) It is written

It's been a while since I have enjoyed a movie with such voracity that I feel I must write about it.  I wouldn't say this is going to be the most extraordinary film review, but it is basically how this movie has made me feel and how it has actually made me analyze the things that go on in my life. I saw this movie almost a month ago and I still think about it daily and how it has made me change my attitude towards some things.

But first let me give a little background on what the movie is about. If you've seen it, go ahead and skip forward.

Jamal Malik is an impoverished boy who comes from the Slums of Mumbai.  Our first glimpse of him is as a contestant on the India version of "Who Wants to be a Millinaire." (I spelled it like that on purpose for those who have seen it) Being that he is from the lowest rungs of India society, his success on the show is highly questionable and the host has him arrested for cheating.  While being tortured by the authorities to tell how he knew the answers, Jamal simply replies, "I knew all the answers." From this point, the movie continues with a series of flashbacks from Jamal's childhood that allowed him to know the answers to all the questions.  To us Westerners, the answers are obvious which makes us relate to the character.  Generally when a movie uses flashbacks to tell a story, it is confusing and almost trite.  Danny Boyle's sense of storytelling allows these flashbacks to move fluidly throughout the film.  

Many of you will recognize Danny Boyle's name, but I didn't when I saw the movie.  I did a search on IMDB and realized that I have seen many of his movies, which include such fare as Trainspotting, 28 Days Later, Millions, A Life Less Ordinary...and so forth! I've read reviews that point out similarities in his movies, but I think the one that I recognize or remember the most is the vivid use of colors and maybe the use of a "wandering camera."  Some scenes are similar to his other films, but to be able to point them all out would be futile. It would be safe to say that Boyle has no fear to dabble in a little bit of every genre. If anything he is a superb storyteller! I guess you could say that I really enjoyed all aspects of this movie, including the ending...I won't give it away for people who haven't seen it.

But what I like most about this movie is the underlying feeling of hope that you receive from it.  Jamal is a character that represents the unrelenting side to humans that strive and yearn for what they most desire.  He doesn't give up, and to get what he truly wants, he ends up on the Millinaire show.  He is persistent, he has unwavering faith that in the end he will succeed and receive.  He fights for what he wants and never gives up hope.  So many times, we as humans are faced with struggles and obstacles that make us want to give up.  But should we really do that if in our hearts we know what we want is obtainable?  A friend of mine often tells me, just let it go, it's over, move on.  But when you have that gut feeling, the instinct that giving up is not an option; I don't believe you should give it up.  Patience is key, and like my friend Agent J said, life has a way of working itself out.  Maybe you can't force things like Jamal had to resort to, but sometimes we just know deep inside that something should be a certain way.  

Act on instinct! Believe in your heart that what you most want is obtainable and within reach.  Don't give up, ever.  Always have hope because without it you will achieve nothing.

To end this I have my most favorite passage from the Bible and I use it because religion is an underlying theme in Slumdog Millionaire. Maybe not Christianity, but I believe that hope is a underlying message in all religions.  

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Because it is written...

Strokes Suck the Life Out of Your Face

Saturday morning I woke up to the tune of the Star Wars FanFare, yes it is my phone ringer.  I decided to ignore it the first time and then the second time it rang, I was convinced it was my work.  I ignored that too.  About an hour later I determined that I was finished sleeping and saw that my uncle Matt in Chicago had called and the other number was my Grandparents.  Apparently this was not the morning to ignore my phone. 

My grandmother woke up Saturday morning believing she had slept on her right arm causing it to feel numb.  My grandpa became concerned when a few minutes later she couldn't grasp her spoon to eat her breakfast.  Next thing you know, he noticed her slurred speech and like any good husband called an ambulance.  Knowing the symptoms of stroke, he pretty much knew what had happened.  

Two hours later I met them at the hospital and spent the majority of the afternoon in the Emergency Room until they admitted her into the hospital for further observation.  Luckily she just had a mild stroke and is gaining her strength back pretty rapidly.  Unfortunately, she will have to go through Occupational Therapy to relearn how to use her right hand and Speech Therapy.  But my grandma is tough and I know she will beat it.  She told the nurse today that she'll get better, she has to.  My grandma is amazing and I believe her when she says she will get better.  

Sitting in a hospital room for hours on end will make a person think.  First of all it made me realize that my grandparents are OLD.  My grandmother is almost 81 years old and my grandpa is 84.  My gpa has been taking care of my gma's medication for years now and this whole stroke thing is going to be an added stress to him.  I feel bad because he's not young.  He may be in great shape and still very sharp, but there are only so many things that he can do.  I know that I will help out as much as I can.  I also started thinking of all the things that we do to our bodies in the present that will weaken them in the future.  Many will argue that strokes and heart attacks are just symptoms of old age.  I know that as the body ages, it does weaken and it becomes harder and harder for it to fight maladies. But I also believe that we can be preventative in our behavior.  We can live healthy lives and I've made the conscience decision to live until I'm 100.  This all depends on my current actions of course.  I'm not going to live always thinking about my future, but if I want to have a good life, I will make wise decisions now.  

I've been reading up on strokes and what kind of preventative measures people can take to avoid it happening in the future.  I took a good look at it, and it's basically a list of all these unhealthy things that we as humans do to ourselves voluntarily.  The preventative measures we can all take affect more than just stroke prevention.

The most common things we can avoid are smoking, drinking alcoholic beverages in excess, eating diets that are high in saturated fats, diets high in salt because it raises blood pressure and doing drugs. Now for the preachy part I was talking about in my e-mail.

Many of my friends smoke and I wish they didn't because seriously it's poison for not just the lungs, but the whole system.  I personally would like to live a long time and have chosen not to smoke.  Cigarettes are highly addictive and I know it is a habit that is quite enjoyable to those who partake in it.  But it really sucks to hear somebody you care about very much cough incessantly every morning and to be only the mere age of 31.  What's sad about this person is that he didn't really ever notice it. I highly believe that people quit when they want to. I know I wrote a blog back in October about the sun revolving around each one of us and that we should look out for number one, but what if harming ourselves also affects our families and children.  Wouldn't it be harmful to neglect a child, of say, his father or mother because they couldn't kick a habit?  Many of you who read this, smoke, and I urge for the sake of those that you love, to QUIT SMOKING!!!  At the same time, I know you will do it in when you've had enough.

check out that blog if you want here:  The World Doesn't Revolve Around Me

Now for drinking:  I'm not gonna lie, I LOVE beer. I think it is one of the best tasting beverages that any human being could have ever invented.  The only drawback to beer is that it's alcohol and well alcohol is another drug that weakens the immune system.  I've been doing a lot of research lately on how alcohol affects the neurotransmitters in our brains.  Doctors admit that alcohol, in limited amounts, is quite beneficial for health, but we all know that when most people drink they don't do it for the health benefits.  I'm no saint, I've been known to go out with the intention of getting sloshed, but these occasions are very rare.  When my car was broken into back on August 10th, 2008, drinking excessively was the order of the day.  Most of the time though, when I go out with my friends I drink in moderation.  I don't particularly like hangovers and not remembering what I've done.  But what about those that drink every day to numb whatever feelings they feel are necessary to repress?  Or those that binge drink on the weekends and then waste their Saturday mornings to rid themselves of alcohol sickness.  

So about those neurotransmitters, did you know that when alcohol is consumed in excess it actually KILLS them? That's right, as in, they never come back.  Humans already don't use the majority of their brains at one time, so why does it seem like a good idea to many of us to permanently rid ourselves of the ones that we ARE using? It's ridiculous really.  And alcoholics will drink to repress their emotions and feelings, but alcohol is a depressant and it's actually doing just the opposite of what they want to achieve.    How stupid can we be? Go to a therapist, not the liquor store to deal with your problems.  And just because I see a therapist does not mean that I'm insinuating that I'm better because I'm not. I've engaged in alcoholic behavior, so I'm just as guilty.

Now for diets.  I try very hard to eat healthy.  I tried for a long time to be a vegetarian and succeeded for the most part, but I like fish too much.  I've been calling myself a vege-quarian instead.  Saturated fats come mostly from meat. The dietitian at my Hy-Vee gave a seminar on reducing cholesterol and blood pressure. She told us to imagine cooking ground beef and then to imagine what happens to the fat left in the pan when it cools.  Now imagine that hardened fat clinging to your arteries.  No wonder so many people have heart attacks and strokes, the blood cannot effectively make it throughout the entire circulatory system.  And salt basically hardens the arteries. So now imagine blood trying to get through fat and then through non-pliable veins.  Recipe for disaster!  Once you start to eat healthy, add in some exercise to get that blood pumping better.  Plus, exercise "creates endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy people don't murder their husbands." -from Legally Blonde

What's next? Oh yeah...drugs.  Again, not saying I'm a saint in this department. I've smoked my fair share of the THC laden plant, but I don't do it on a regular basis and to tell you the truth, it's about a four times a year thing for me.  (Guess I won't be running for office because of this admission, but whatever) Some drugs are definitely harsher than others and have more chronic effects on the immune system, but regardless, drugs are bad for you and when consumed on a regular basis can leave the body highly dysfunctional.  I also did research on marijuana recently.  I know that many people use this drug more liberally because they don't see the harm in it in comparison to drugs like meth or heroine. And many people use it as a way to self-medicate, kind of like the alcoholic.  I've heard some say that it produces serotonin. Serotonin is an amino acid found in many parts of the body including the brain that releases to keep moods altered and balanced.  Depressed individuals generally don't produce enough serotonin and is why many of them are prescribed anti-depressants.  Plain and simple, WEED DOESN'T PRODUCE SEROTONIN."  It does affect anandamide which is what causes that relaxed sensation.  Another chemical it affects is the brain's neurotransmitter called DOPAMINE, which A HA! is involved in producing pleasure. It's no wonder people become so dependent on it.  It's sad that those who use it on a regular basis can't see the damage that its doing.  They cannot receive REAL pleasure from REAL things.  And let's not even get into the Amotivational Syndrome that stoners develop.  They don't put any effort into life and particularly relationships with others.  Why would they? Pot makes them SOOOO happy!  And the longer one self-medicates the more likely their depressive symptoms worsen. So, if you think you're doing yourself a service by taking care of whatever problem you may have, think again.  It's more like a DIS-SERVICE! And I don't believe in a functional stoner. Yeah, you may go to work and do all the things necessary to have sustainable existence, but are you getting the most out of what you really want from life? Who knows, maybe you just want to not deal with life. 

There is an upside though to smoking marijuana.  When you quit, yes quit, your body can heal the neurotransmitters that were "burned" and can start producing all the necessary chemicals to have healthy mental stability.  So I guess being a pot head is better than being an alcoholic.

Okay, so this is long and lots of you are probably saying, "who made this girl so perfect?" Well, I'm not. "Doesn't she take anti-depressants?" Yes I do, and I see a therapist.  Just so everybody knows, I've done the research on Cymbalta, my anti-depressant, as well.  It is a "Dual Uptake Inhibitor." It affects my serotonin that I apparently am not producing enough of on my own. It also affects my Norepinephrine, which is a hormone and a neurotransmitter that works along with adrenaline.  It has definitely helped me to become more motivated and sure of myself.  But without the therapy, I don't think it would be as effective as it has been.  This time around I don't intend on taking myself off the drug until my doctor thinks it's time. I'm not a professional as much as I'd like to think that I am.  I'm definitely in control of the life that I am creating for myself, but as far as understanding my hormones and neurotransmitters, I'm taking a hands-off position.  I'll let them decide what's best, but of course I will be completely honest with how my life is progressing. I've decided that I want to be well and I am going to do it with the guidance of trained professionals.  

Life is good and I want my decisions to afford me a healthy future. I can't say there won't be times when drinking more than two beers seems like a good idea or that french fries won't tempt me.  I just want to live for a long time.    

I would like to say that I've made myself clear and admitted to drinking and smoking the illegal substance.  And I'm not always a healthy eater. I'm just mentioning the things that we humans do to ourselves that are harmful and that can have life-long consequences.  

On being a Rockstar

For most people, the term Rockstar means somebody that is famous for being in a rock band.  All of you know that I don't play any instruments, nor do I sing in a band, but I AM definitely a Rockstar.  I will give you my own definition of what it means to be termed as this.  

First let us discuss the characteristics of a "rocker," or more specifically the lead singer of a band because we all know that they are the face of the band.  You may be the best drummer of the hottest rock band, but you won't get anywhere if you're not the face.  Just ask Dave Grohl, he knows what I'm talking about.  Lead singers generally have the gift of lyric-writing.  Words flow from brain to paper, from paper to microphone to intertwine with the music emminating from the instruments involved.  Listen to your favorite song, listen to the words, then listen to the music.  The music cushions those words to create ambiance.  It's beautiful isn't it?  

Okay, so rockers=writers.  Ta da!  Why I'm a Rockstar in my own right!  So, now you're probably thinking, all writers are rockstars?!?!?  Not quite!

Now imagine the lives of the members of your favorite band or go to the next local band's show and check out how those guys (or gals, I'm not discriminating) party.  They drink lots of beer, some of them do drugs, and they get lots of attention from the opposite sex.  Admittedly, this type of behavior can be seen at any bar, but there is something just so attractive about a person who can get in front of an audience, display their musical talents and demonstrate their raw emotions.  We're getting closer to why I am a Rockstar.  

I love to go out with my friends, I like to drink beer...not in massive amounts, but enough. I don't do drugs, but I am highly attractive to the opposite sex!!! :) Where are the smileys when I need them?  So on the surface I am a free wheeling spirit, but deep down I have these emotions that I am not afraid to address in a public arena.  This is a public blog and anybody can read it. Judge me, hate me for what I write, I just don't care.  It's very easy to just turn it off and surf to the next web page.  

There are also new definitions for Rockstars these days.  I've been looking for a new job and many times ads are searching for the "Rock Star" of advertising, accounting, whatever.  Basically, they are looking for the best of the best.  Instead of describing the ideal candidate, they are letting the person interested in the job sell themselves.  May the most qualified person win, but we're not going to say what it is that we think is the most qualified.  It's a tricky situation, but when the economy is rough, employers need to find somebody who fits what they need without explaining it word for word. It's so easy to read a job description and then match up your qualifications. So, I say KUDOS to employers.

So I know now that when I find the right job for me, it will be because the employer KNOWS that I'm a Rockstar.  What's even more comforting is knowing that I am the Best at whatever I put my mind to, so therefore I know I'll find the right job.  Take it or leave it, this is what you get. I AM a ROCKSTAR!  

And Rockstars are trendsetters, and I know for a FACT that I set trends.  Those trends are mainly at my job, but I at least set them.  For example: I've always been one to say "It's Beer Thirty" when it's time to do some beer drinkin'. And now it's taken on a life of its own at work.  Smoke breaks are now called "Type of brand you smoke"-Thirty.  Ie: It's Virginia Thirty or Marlboro Thirty. Break time is called "Break Thirty."  And I don't say Thank you or Thanks anymore, I say Spank you and Spanks to the point that some of my regular customers say it too.  It's great, we're spanking each other all day.  And also I am the Captain at work, or Cap't Coco, but usually just plain Coco.  

I understand that these are really goofy trends to set, but they are what they are.  I'm a nerd and the things that come out of my mouth sometimes are just plain ridiculous.  Maybe I'll start some kind of wardrobe trend this week, but I find those harder to sustain.  Being that I'm a Pirate as well, maybe I'll start wearing my eye patch on a regular basis!  

I hope you all enjoyed this one because I sure did have fun writing it.

Talk to you all soon....ARGH!!!!  The Rockstar-Pirate was here!

Davenport, IA & the Infamous Agent "J"

I live in Kansas City, Missouri because I choose to, but when things get rough I like to leave town and forget about my problems for a while.  This time I went to Davenport, IA to see my special friend...we'll call him Agent "J" for anonymity's sake.  He's like my Billy Joel in The Piano Man. 

"...And he knows that it's me, they've been comin' to see, to forget about life for awhile..."  

Unlike the people in the song, I don't go to the bar,  I don't get drunk...I leave town.  This time I decided to go to Davenport, IA to see Agent "J."  I have no expectations from my Special Agent Man, I just go for the pure pleasure of being in a different town where I don't know anybody, but this one soul. A little background for the somewhat juicy details I promised.  I obviously know nobody in Davenport or all of Iowa for that matter, but one summer a friend of mine from D.C. was working on a political campaign before the Iowa Caucus and he invited me to come visit.  So, being that I LOVE being stuck in my car for six hours, I went.  The weekend started out kind of hellish and by Saturday I was ready to leave, but I hadn't seen my friend in a while so I stuck around. He said that he actually had plans for that evening with a group of people.  So, the campaign manager was all about this guy, "Agent "J," and she showed up to a baseball game wearing high heels and a shirt that showed off her pushed up boobs. After about my third beer of the evening, I said to myself, "I can get this guy before she can."  It sounds malicious and devious, but I was pretty confident that you don't have to show off your boobs to get a guy."  I hadn't even brushed my hair that evening.  And what do you know?   Agent "J" and I made plans for less than a month later to meet in Des Moines.  Let's just say it was purely experimental and a chance to lose some of our inhibitions.  I don't kiss and tell, but I had to make him stop at one point.  

And this past weekend, after about a year and a half of not seeing him, I decided to make the trip again.  I needed to get away.   Like I said, I don't have any expectations from Agent "J," so it was just a weekend to explore again and to lose myself in a moment.  Most of the time I spent in Davenport was alone, but I didn't care.  I do what I do best, I walked around and went shopping and tried coffee from local coffee shops.  When we were together, we didn't talk much, but what was said was pretty profound.  So, instead of just taking away with me the memory of a pleasurable weekend, I learned something insightful from Agent "J."

There were two notable conversations exchanged this weekend:

1. Women tend to base their identity on their careers, whereas men just use their jobs as an ends to make money to live their lives.

2. I don't worry about the future, life tends to work itself out the way its supposed to.

Hmm...much to think about.

My thoughts on #1.  I don't think that only women do this, but I do know that I do it for sure. One of my most common statements at work is..."I didn't go to college to sell Lotto tickets."  You know, I enjoy working at Hy-Vee, it's just the lottery tickets and the Rug Doctors that get me.  I feel super powerful when I'm sending money via Western Union to Jordan, or Iran, or China. When I'm printing pictures, I feel like I'm playing a role in peoples lives.  I am helping preserve memories. When I restore a black & white photograph, I feel like I've seriously helped somebody.  I'm a historian, I like preserving the past.  Printing a picture of a Christmas gathering may not be monumental, but what if one day a little kid in a picture becomes President of the United States?  I may never know that I printed a future President's picture, but when a biographer is looking for pictures, I was in the midst of that process of bringing it to fruition.   In that aspect, I do believe that my job defines me as a person.  I'm never embarrassed to say that I am the Manager of a One Hour Photo or that I work for Hy-Vee.  I spend a little over forty hours a week doing this job so it is a part of my life and it does help define me.   

I know that men do this as well.  My Papi would probably define himself as a Marketing Director and Business Owner because that's what he does.  Agent J's argument was that men will work jobs because it pays the bills and it supports a family.  I think simple men think that way, but my Papi and other men like him are not simple like that. Yes, they may well acknowledge that their career affords them food, a home, clothing, safety, but at the same time, these men are always striving for a little more.  I do think maybe men are a little more practical in their approach. Women will go back to school to attain higher status, whereas a man will work diligently and acquire hands-on experience to attain the same.  Agent J owns his own business and his own home, but if he wasn't being defined by it, why would he be working so hard to make his life better and more prosperous?  What a predicament.  Maybe he just doesn't want to put a label on himself, but isn't that what we naturally do in society?

My thoughts on #2.  I know that I personally spend probably far too much time thinking about what the future holds for me.  Am I going to find a job that will make me more money? Am I gonna meet a guy who's going to make the ultimate commitment to me? Am I going to have kids? It has happened on occasion that when I get into a relationship, my focus becomes, "what's going to happen, what's going to happen? Am I doing everything right to keep this going?"  Unfortunately, spending all your time focusing on the "what's next," rather than the "right now" makes life a little too serious and can strain and break the possibility of good things.  So many of us spend way too much time trying to make things work for the future that we forget to spend our time enjoying the RIGHT NOW.  And I also think that women do it more than men because, well, we have biological clocks that tick.  We won't always be able to keep producing "life giving" substance (aka eggs for the not so bright out there). So if we women could just enjoy the time we are having, maybe we wouldn't have to think about the future like that.  Things should progress naturally, forcing it just delays it.

This discussion came about when Agent J was telling me about his ex-fiance and how she had become a part of his life again.  He said there is some kind of tension between them because of what went down a few years earlier.  I asked him what he thought would happen and he said he didn't know.  I asked him what he wanted to happen and he said he didn't know and he didn't worry about it because "life has a way of working itself out the way it's supposed to." I think the general gist of this statement is that only time will tell.  I guess there is no reason to try to force things to fix themselves.  If they are meant to be fixed, then only life and the time that goes into it will be able to fix it.  "Tii-iii-me, is on my side, yes it is!"  The Rolling Stones.

But what about the notion of hope? I guess if you are full of hope for your life and that things will resolve themselves, then time will allow it to happen.  I don't think putting a deadline for when things should happen is productive, but being hopeful and believing that all things are possible is. There is hope for all of us and you must continually believe it to be true.

You Already Know How This Will End

And in your heart,

You know it to be true,

You know what you gotta do.

(It) all depends on you.

And you already know.

You already know how this will end...

I returned from France on October 28th, 2008. It was a Tuesday evening and after a long day of traveling, I laid down on the sofa in my grandparents living room and panicked, "Holy Shit, what am I doing here?"  My heart raced, I had given up on something that I thought I needed to experience.  I returned to the same job at Hy-Vee, found an apartment, decided not to purchase a car and ride my bike everywhere, and started looking for a new job.  The feeling that I had not lived up to what I had wanted nagged at me, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing out on something. The day after Thanksgiving I rode the bus home to my new apartment to await the installation of my internet and cable.  As the bus drove through the streets of Kansas City I listened to the words of a favorite song of mine by Dvotchka.  The words were sad and solemn and my heart sank and I couldn't shake the feelings that I knew how things would end.  It all depended on me to make this change and in my heart I knew that the change would come in a way that would devastate me.  I would let the extremeness of my emotions take hold of me to force a change within my life.  As much as I just wanted to change just a few aspects of my situation, my mind had other plans.  It knew that things as they were, had to end.  My behavior had been uncharacteristic during the latter half of November, my true self hid behind the desire to be wanted, all my insecurities returned.  I yearned for perfection knowing full well that my quest for it ends in heartbreak and disappointment. I was not the person that I had learned to love.  I didn't ask for patience from those I hold closest to my heart, I lashed out and demanded an explanation from many why they hadn't lived up to the unexpressed expectations I had built for them.  I was striving for the perfect me, why should I settle for less than perfect in others?

The truth is...I am not capable of perfection, and neither is anybody else.  One cannot expect the unattainable. I already knew how my discontent would end.  It's taken a month to rise above the devastation I have wrought upon myself, but from the ruins, I will build an even stronger me, not a perfect me, but one that I will love even more. 

Now you've seen his face,

And you know that there's a place

In the sun,

For all that you've done.

No longer shall you need,

You always wanted to believe,

Just ask and you shall receive,

Beyond Your Wildest Dreams...

Okay, so my friends are going to kill me when they read this part, but that's the way it is.  I was offered a job on New Year's Eve to take pictures, but when the amount I requested could not be guaranteed, I decided I would have the night that I had wanted and been needing.  I started this year alone because I wanted to spend some time with myself and really focus on how this coming year will be a new beginning.  Truman (my dog) and I looked out over the festively decorated buildings of downtown Kansas City and I imagined the possibilities that my life will reveal.  All my actions have had a purpose and those that they have affected the most will eventually realize that I no longer need them to be a safety net for my inadequacies.  They will no longer have to feel they need to uplift me to keep me going because I am a stronger person then I was just a mere two months ago.  I am still me, but with a better understanding of my purpose.  I look forward to tomorrow.  I look forward to forging new friendships, strengthening current relationships and repairing damaged ones.  I look forward to the time it will take to grow in these relationships because each day is about learning something as though you were to live forever.  I know my future will be rewarding and I know that I will receive what I want out of this life because I have hope.

This isn't part of the song, but it works...

The future is quite unknown,

Race against it and you'll lose,

The answers are not yet clear,

Yet you at least know, 

How this will begin....