Foolish and Wise

I've often said in my blog that I feel that God makes us ready for certain things when He knows we are ready, not when we feel like we are ready. I've experienced the pain of wanting something so badly and not getting it. I have cried for months on end, praying, begging God to bring this person or that person back into my life because dear GOD, my life would not be complete. And when He doesn't deliver, I've turned my back on God, cursed His name and tried everything within my power to get what I want, only to be pushed down even further. And I am only able to pick myself back up when I let go completely, and let God carry me and deliver me safe. 


I think that is the challenge not only with Christians, but with everyone who ever lived. We cannot let go sometimes and only after agonizing over agonizing attempt on our own, we finally give up to some other power, we live and let live. 


Yesterday in church, I read the parable of the ten virgins who went out to wait for the bridegroom to arrive at the wedding. Five were foolish and five were smart. The smart virgins took extra oil to replenish their lamps, the foolish only took their lamps with no extra oil. The foolish virgins did not find it necessary because they "knew" when the bridegroom was going to arrive. However, contrary to what they originally believed, the bridegroom was late for the wedding and all ten virgins fell asleep. The smart virgins were able to relight their lamps to go out and greet him, while the foolish had to go into the market to purchase more. By the time they had gotten back to the festivities, the doors had been locked. They tried to get in, but the bridegroom simply told them, I do not know you. The scripture ends, be alert because you never know when he might get here!
(Matthew 25: 1-13) click on link for entire story


The story here isn't necessarily about the virgins and who was smart or who was foolish. It is about the bridegroom and his tardiness. The parables are stories that relate God to humanity. In this case, God is late. And oftentimes in our own lives, God is not on time. We believe as Christians, that we should get some kind of immediate benefit from being a follower of Christ. When I cry out to the Lord to deliver me from my pain, I feel as though I should be healed immediately. And why not? I love God, and I accept Jesus as my savior. I  want immediate redemption. 


But life as a Christian isn't about immediate results. We are not in a sprinting race to God, we are more than anything running a marathon. Sometimes discipleship is long, slow, painful. But even when God is late, we have to be patient and stick around. It is easy to give up on God when he doesn't deliver, but like the "smart virgins," we need to be prepared. 

"Talk is Cheap"

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Who gives me the authority to stand here before you and teach the message of the Bible this morning?

Could be our Sr. Pastor, Rev. Moore… it could be God. Like the Chief Priests who asked Jesus the same exact question, my answer is the same…. I don’t know.

The passage that Lindsey read this morning from Matthew reminds me how much I really like Jesus, how awesome I think he really is, and by all accounts how awesome every Christian probably thinks he is. I read this passage and I remember the one right before it. Jesus has just entered into the Temple and pretty much just tore the place to shreds. He’s pretty disgusted at the market place that has taken over the temple. It was no longer being used as a place or worship, but more of a place of profit. Jesus was mad and felt it in his power to shake things up a bit.

When we look at this text as modern Christians, we have this tendency to scoff at the Chief Priests with anger. What gives them the right to ask JESUS, the MESSIAH who gives him the authority… I mean, we all know that God has given his utmost authority to him. He is the son of God, sent to free us from our sins. Who gives those priests the authority to question Jesus???

And there’s the problem, by Jewish tradition and law, the priests had the authority to ask Jesus outright… who gives you the authority? In addition to this, we have to really try to understand where they were coming from. Let’s set this up really quick. At the time that Jesus begins his teaching, he is living in an era when Jerusalem is under Roman rule. I watched a documentary a few weeks ago about Roman rule during the first century. They drove home the fact that the Romans were ruthless rulers and their specialization was in killing people. They were good at it and it’s how they kept order.

We see a few chapters earlier in Matthew 14, that John the Baptist had been beheaded under the order of King Herod.

Herod, although a Jew himself was ultimately loyal to his Roman masters. And to teach other Jewish “rebels” a lesson, he used John as an example.

It was a privilege that the Jewish population could keep their temple and still worship there. I mean, not only was John just beheaded for creating too much attention, here comes Jesus overturning merchant stalls in what I’ve always imagined to be a tirade! So, the priests have it in their best interest, and in the best interest of the Jewish population to ask Jesus who gave him authority.






And this is why I love Jesus so much… he always answers questions with questions. He is the ultimate riddle maker.






In fact, his responses remind me of when teenagers talk back to their parents. I don’t have kids, but I remember being a kid. You all think I was probably some sweet kid, and I was for the most part, but I could give my mother a real run for her money. Plus I’ve worked with kids a few times to know that they know how to work it. They are natural pros at rhetorical questioning.






And Jesus is too smart to be trapped by the priests. He knows a trap when he sees it and he riddles those priests. He asks them, Who gave John the authority? Them or God?






Did they think John’s baptism was from heaven? Or, did they think it was just something that he dreamed up? They couldn’t even come up with an answer, they knew the political ramifications of giving an answer. If they say he got his authority from God, then Jesus could retort with, then why didn’t you believe him? If they answered that he made it all up, they had the people to deal with because John had been overwhelmingly popular. Like Jesus he was an interruption to the status quo. So, they play it safe… “We don’t know.”






And this isn’t some kind of first century biblical phenomenon. I see this kind of thing happening in modern politics all the time. They are walking this really flimsy tight rope every day. They can’t say *this* thing because that would anger a particular constituency. And yet, they can’t say this *other thing* because it would set off yet another constituency.






Politics becomes this game of throwing stones one night, and then next day downplaying what has been said so they don’t upset the electorate.






So Jesus riddles them again. Who did the will of the Father? The son who says he won’t help tend the vineyard, but then decides to. Or the son who says he will, but doesn’t? They answer with the most obvious answer, the first.






And that is why the prostitutes and the thieves will go before you to heaven. What a blow to the Chief Priests.






How do we get to be first then?






Jesus’ question addresses what the sons DID, not on what they SAID. And thereby cracks open the disparity between what is said and what is done.






Now, it is we who are sitting in church who SAY (and sing and pray) many things. But this text puts the focus on what we actually DO. Just exactly what is it that we do after we leave church on Sunday? I’ll tell you what I do, SUNDAY NAP DAY! Why not? I come here, I wear my fancy clothes, I sing the pretty songs, I’ve read the scriptures, I’ve prayed, I’ve done my Christian duty. Now on to Sunday nap day.






This parable tests our integrity, about putting our money where out mouth is, it’s reminding us that talk is cheap. I can talk all day about God and spirituality, but what is it that I’m doing to further the kingdom of heaven here on earth.






While I was preparing for this task of sermonizing today, I read an article about false presumptions meaning that if we are practicing the right way, practicing the right beliefs that we will be okay in the eyes of God, that we’ve secured our spot in heaven. The reverend writing the article told about an older couple he went to see who hadn’t been able to come to church on a regular basis, but considered themselves an integral part of the church. During the visit, the husband remarked, "I don't know if you are aware of this pastor, but my grandfather was one of the sixteen founding members of our church." Somehow, this covered all the bases. They would be okay with God because the grandfather helped begin the church.”






That’s telling and hits home for me because my grandparents are charter members of this church. What’s important is that this is pretty much the thought of the chief priests when they questioned Jesus.






They are the descendents of Abraham, all they have to do is follow the laws, read the holy scriptures and make sure everyone stays within the lines.






Jesus tells a story that turns all the assumptions and presumptions inside out. It is not the one who says but the one who does. It is our walk and not our talk that counts with God. All those rejects -- the tax collectors and sinners -- who turned their hearts to God were the ones who go first with God.






Let me offer a bit of a disclaimer because Jesus’ parable telling us to be doers can be pretty stressful. Taking an hour every day out of your life to go and spread the Good News, I don’t think is what Jesus is telling us to do. Some of us have heavy workloads, some of us can’t get around very well anymore, but what I think Jesus is telling us is that what we learn here is what we need to apply in our daily lives, whether it’s lending a dollar to someone who is needing a caffeine fix, or living up to something that we commit ourselves to. I know for myself that I’ve said I’m going to do something and then flake out and don’t do it. You can ask Sara Scheil (our garden coordinator) how many times I’ve said, sure I’ll come and help pull weeds and then don’t show up.






But this commitment can only be achieved with balance. It is equally important for us to take care of our families, do our bills, pay our taxes. So, our integrity is based on how we can balance our lives. All of us are capable of doing something, not everyone can go down to Grand Avenue Temple and serve food on a daily basis, but we can all find the little things in life to improve the life of our neighbors. Loving each other is the commandment that Jesus gave to us, and I believe through that love, even in the smallest of ways is how we become doers more than talkers.






The Chief Priests lacked integrity; they were merely talkers. They had lost trust and moral standing with the people and because of that, Jesus had no need to defend his authority to them.






Jesus’ question to the chief priests challenges their integrity, will their words match their convictions? Will their deeds match their words?






And that is still Jesus' challenge to us religious folk today. Do our words match our convictions, and our deeds match our words?

Where were you?

As almost every Sunday, I read the scriptures that Rev. RPM had designated today. I knew that we would be commemorating 9/11 and the losses and the tragedy that changed our lives. So I tried very hard to look at the scriptures today and reflect in them what had happened 10 years ago. All of us who were alive remember, where we were, what we were doing, but this isn't an entry about that day. It is about the scriptures I read and the sermon I heard. It is about what it means to really be hopeful.

I often have a hard time with the lessons in the Old Testament. One they are often very historically exaggerated and sometimes we are confronted with a vengeful God, one who seems to hate His own creation. I read these words at the end of the scripture and I read them through my teeth because I sometimes just don't understand God:

Exodus: 14: 27-31

²⁷So Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and at dawn the sea returned to its normal depth. As the Egyptians fled before it, the Lord tossed the Egyptians into the sea. ²⁸The waters returned and covered the chariots and the chariot drivers, the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed them into the sea; not one of them remained. ²⁹But the Israelites walked on dry ground through the sea, the waters forming a wall for them on their right and on their left. ³⁰Thus the Lord saved Israel that day from the Egyptians; and Israel saw the Egyptians dead on the seashore. ³¹Israel saw the great work that the Lord did against the Egyptians. So the people feared the Lord and believed in the Lord and in his servant Moses. 

It is a familiar story for those of us who have grown up in a Judeo-Christian-Muslim religion. As a Christian, my faith lies in Jesus Christ and I have learned that love is the only thing that saves. When I read the words above, I ask myself... but why? Why would God do this? Why would God strike down His creation, a creation I assume He loved? Why would God let His people fly two airplanes into the twin towers killing thousands of innocent people? 

Luckily, Rev. RPM is blessed in relating the stories of why... God leads those who are oppressed to safety. Here is the beginning part of this scripture I read today:

Exodus 14: 19-20

¹⁹The angel of God who was going before the Israelite army moved and went behind them; and the pillar of cloud moved from in front of them and took its place behind them. ²⁰It came between the army of Egypt and the army of Israel. And so the cloud was there with the darkness, and it lit up the night; one did not come near the other all night.  

God gives us all a chance. He gave the Egyptians an entire evening to see his magnificence. He placed a pillar of smoke between two people offering them an evening of respite and peace. God kept the oppressor away for an evening, He offered peace. The next morning after having witnessed God's power to keep His people safe, they pursued. And God protected those who had been oppressed from facing even more oppression. He gave the Israelites a chance at a new life: free from slavery and full of HOPE. 

If you were to put a mirror in front of the Israelites, you would see us looking back at them. God delivered them to the Land of Milk and Honey, He gave them a chance to build a kingdom in His name. But the Israelites within 400 years had forgotten, they had waged wars against those who threatened their lands. King David himself sent Uriah to be killed because he had impregnated Bathesheba, Uriah's wife.  They had forgotten the wonder that God had provided, that He had protected them and delivered them to safety.

That is us today. We have gone from a nation obsessed with actors, gossip and trivialities, to a nation standing in unison, in solidarity, and with HOPE... And only in 10 years we have gone back to being a nation who focuses on the trivial again. We watch in awe at the lives of Brad & Angelina, Jon & Kate plus 8. We wonder which candidate for Presidency is more patriotic based on the flags behind his/her desk. We argue over who should win Dancing With the Stars or whether the Kansas City Chiefs should beat the Buffalo Bills.

We have flooded our lives with the trivial. As much as I believe that we are entitled to rest and relaxation, I also believe that we are meant to be loving towards one another.  We are meant to take compassionate action when our fellow brothers and sisters are oppressed and suffering.

9/11 was supposed to teach us something right? How to overcome? How to be of service to one another? How to live in Hope and Tolerance that one day life on earth will be peaceful? I think it was meant to teach us all of those things. 

But we are like the Israelites, we forget even when we say, "We Will Never Forget."

Instead we have learned to fear, we have learned to hate, we have learned to wage war on those different than us. We have learned nothing. We are the Israelites, setting ourselves for tragedy and suffering once more.

Today on Facebook somebody posted a link to the documentary Loose Change. It highlights a conspiracy that the attacks on America were an "Inside Job."  Their arguments are compelling, but they also lead us to be more divisive, more hateful, less tolerant. They lead us to give up on HOPE. 

We are all entitled to our opinions and our beliefs. However, when terror has taken the lives of so many people, I believe that as a human race we must apply what we are best at: offering compassion. We need to look at the world and where it needs healing. Through love, hope and tolerance, we can be a true healing presence in the world.

We stood in solidarity as the Towers collapsed, we pledged our allegiance together as we began to rebuild, we vowed to never forget, we looked toward the future with Hope. 

I implore all of you, all of us (because I am included in this) to be compassionate, to learn about our differences and to be tolerant of them.  

Our earth will continue to spin even if we push ourselves to extinction through hate and intolerance. I want to offer my (future) children a place where love prevails over everything that ever mattered. 

 

America Has a Drug Problem

It has been several months since I have sat down and actually thought about what I have learned in church. Maybe it's because I have been trying and working so hard to fulfill a goal that Rev. RPM set for me when I became the Connections Coordinator last September before I became the Office Coordinator. I feel that as a member of the Pastoral Staff and as the Laity, that we as a Team, have all achieved that goal. The one thing that I have become lax on is actually focusing on my Spirituality. Today, Patrick and I had a meeting about the Mission of our church, the United Methodist Church as a whole,

"To Make Disciples of Jesus Christ for the Transformation of the World"

Rev. RPM made a good point today, "what exactly does that mean?" It isn't us that makes disciples, it is the Holy Spirit that works through us to make more disciples. 

I began writing extensively about religion and Christianity probably over a year ago. I have always been avidly interested in the complexity of the human drama and condition. I had been at odds with what life was throwing at me. I couldn't understand how, being the pretty decent person that I am, could get such bad luck. However, as of last August, I feel as though I have a greater understanding and acceptance of the confusion that I sometimes confront. And it is because I have had a Spiritual Awakening.  The first time Rev. Stephanie heard me read scripture in church she sent an e-mail to our Sr. Pastor which he forwarded to me. "Does Angie know she has a calling?" I think it has taken some time and actually working within the church that has made me actually realize that Stephanie actually knew what she was talking about. But as humans... we love to doubt.  We are so eager to turn away from what is more than likely the truth.

So, there is the reason I haven't been writing. Too involved with the organizational aspects of church life. Yesterday the recorder didn't work so sharing the sermon isn't possible. You get MY reflection instead about the sermon series that Rev. RPM began on Sunday: "Abundant Living: Drugs, Sex & "Rock 'n Roll." On Sunday, August 14th, Patrick talked about "The Drug Problem."

Here in the United States, we often hear the words, "America has a Drug Problem." And what do we associate Drugs with? Violence, criminal activity, loss, sadness, fear. All negative associations. We commonly associate the Drug Problem with illegal Drugs.

But! God ultimately has created goodness, He has created everything on this planet to be used for good things. Most drugs produced are made from plants, and what isn't made from plants is made by human intellect. God created us, so therefore we only create good things... right?  Well, God also created us to have free-will. But if God makes only good things, how do we turn our hearts and our minds from that good? How have we been able to twist that goodness into something harmful?

In John 10: 7-10 tells us, "So again Jesus said to them, “Very truly, I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. ⁸All who came before me are thieves and bandits; but the sheep did not listen to them. ⁹I am the gate. Whoever enters by me will be saved, and will come in and go out and find pasture. ¹⁰The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. 

The thief comes to distort what the God has made Good. The thief as RPM put it, "whether it be the devil, satan, an evil force, etc" that thief is not a creator, so therefore he/she/it has to distort the human view of what is good, and teach us how to use that goodness to bring about harm. God creates, the thief destroys. So the thief has distorted and shown good humans what evil can be made out of God's good creation. We have taken God's creation to make something that can cause pain in our lives.  Our lives are full of stressors that on many occassions we cannot endure. We turn to substances that alleviate the pain, mask the burdens. In short,they make our lives tolerable, but not indefinitely. Our lives are tolerable until the substance becomes the stressor and we look for more ways to cover the added stress. We fall into a cycle of dependence on something to just get us through the day. What we fail to see, is the further harm these substances create.  This dependency can often lead to deadly consequences. In this way, the thief has claimed us. He/she/it deceives us into taking God's good creation and morphing it into a destructive source. Thief takes advantage of our free-will and deceives us we in the end, turn our backs on God's good creation.

By relying on drugs, sex, food (we can become addicted and misuse many of God's creations) we turn from the life and teachings of Christ. There are many titles we give Jesus, Rabbi, Teacher... Healer. Jesus healed the sick, and on the SABBATH too. And why? To show us that we are to be a healing presence to one another. If Jesus teaches us anything, it is to Love One Another. Jesus didn't ask for an Insurance Card, He simply loved us, cared for us, healed us. So what about the good drugs that cure and heal?

When we are sick, what do we ask the doctor to do for us? Give us....drugs.  If we have a headache, we take... drugs. Our lives are longer and healthier because of? ... drugs. Drugs have been developed to keep our blood pressure down, control diabetes, help regulate the chemicals in our brains to help keep us balanced. But what has the thief done? He's asked for the insurance card. When many of us need medication, we are often unable to get it because we don't have the right prescription card. How often are people turned away because they can't afford a doctor? How many receive poor health care because we don't have the right insurance qualifications?  Rev. RPM made a good point, in the past many hospitals in our country have been established by Church Denominations, and why? Because as disciples of Jesus, we are called to heal each other. However, our hospitals have lost to the thief. We as humans have succumbed to the thief, we have allowed ourselves to believe that somebody else should take care of the sick. As Christians, we do not heal each other anymore as Christ taught us to do.

So, yes... "We have a Drug Problem."

However, there is hope and it is written in Revelation 22: 1-5, "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb ²through the middle of the street of the city. On either side of the river is the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, producing its fruit each month; and the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. ³Nothing accursed will be found there any more. But the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him; ⁴they will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. ⁵And there will be no more night; they need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever."

God will once again show us that all of His creation has been made for good. "The leaves of the tree will be for the healing of the nations."  One day we will be able to heal the AIDS victims in Africa, one day all addicts will find healing and recovery, and one day we will all open our arms for the healing of humanity. And where does all of this start? Within each of us. What can we do to provide healing for somebody in our lives? 

We are to love one another, so let's begin within ourselves to provide healing to the rest of the world. It takes one tiny effort of reaching out to just one other soul who may be suffering in mind, body or spirit.  As the old commercial goes, "Reach Out and Touch Someone!" Who knows, you could save a life!

A Night in Seville

Tonight I slapped my sister in front of about 20+ people because I was scared and mad at her at the same time. I didn't know where she was, I ran around looking for her thinking she was lost or taken by people I did not know. I was terrified, but more than anything... I feel most awful because I slapped her in a public place.... I'm sorry. I love her so much that I couldn't think of anything else to do to express my terror tonight.

Moms and Choices

So, I didn't fulfill my Lenten journey by reflecting everyday. In fact, I led myself into temptation a lot. I was going to give up drinking alcoholic beverages.. I did it last year so I thought I would do it this year as well. I could have made it though, but I love me some beer. And Dr. Doughy always gets good beer. I probably could have done myself a huge favor in the fitness area had I not had any beer. Oh well! I gave up sugar and candy for about 3/4 of the time. Not bad, and I only fell off the wagon when we were stuffing Easter Eggs... I forgot all about my no sugar promise. The two I did follow through with: being completely vegetarian (no fish) and being honest in my relationships. These two are the ones I intend on following through with. However, I WILL eat sushi next Fat Tuesday! Once a year won't kill me right?

Today I read my teammate Cory's blog about the best advice she received from her mother, "Not to be like her."

Wow! 

I'm lucky that I had such a great mother growing up. She was my confidante, the person who I looked to for love, protection, advice... whatever I needed, she was the lady I went to. I was never a Daddy's Little Girl, and if the term Mama's Girl existed, that would have been me.

Today, I got out my trusty "Upper Room," and before I even looked at the Bible verses for today, I looked at the little boxed focus called "Link2Life," and it says this, "Choose a child you know and pray for that child by name every day."  Which one do I choose? I work with so many different kids and could pray for all of them, but the very first name that popped into my head was my baby sister's name. I won't disclose her name because she is only 12, but I prayed that one day she would get to have the same mother I had growing up.

I love my mother because she is my mother, she chose life for me over... well, you know the alternative. For being a single mother, she did the best she could at finding me a father. He wasn't my ideal choice in the beginning, but in the long run, after years of distrust and disrespect between the two of us, he is by far the best person that could have been chosen to be my Father. It took a long time for us to accept each other, but finally I feel like I can call my Dad my friend. And I owe that favor done for me to my Mother.

My baby sister is lucky to have my Papi be her Papi. I have never seen a man take such better care and interest in his daughter. My baby sister lives in South American with him and I love the fact that he has CHOSEN to give her the opportunity to grow up in a different culture. I love the fact that one day my sister will not have to experience the "need" for male attention to survive. I think Papi has let her know how much he loves her and how amazing she is. She will never need to struggle and yearn for his attention, she's got it. I think she will be a very secure young woman and adult. I don't ever see a future where she feels she will need a man to make her life significant. She has been loved and respected immensely by our Father. She is a lucky little girl in that respect.

On the other hand, I wonder if one day she will resent our Mother. I don't know what my life would look like had I not had her growing up. I think I would be more cookoo than I am already! My Mom provided security and love in this crazy, scary world. She protected me from the same father who my sister gets loved by. My Mother chose to find me a good Dad, and now she has chosen a life without one of her daughters.

I ask myself...what happened? My mother was a strong woman while I was growing up, or was she? Was she always so wrapped up in trying to be good enough for Papi? One of the things I have worked on with my therapist is loving myself and self-acceptance. I would gravitate towards keeping a man around, compromising my values and morals, just to be accepted. I felt for so long that my life wasn't worthwhile if I didn't have a guy in it. I would feel like my life was ending when one would break up with me. What an awful feeling to feel your world collapse just because somebody had chosen not to be in the world with you. I had to fix that feeling of desperation. I never wanted to find myself pleading, and more than one time on my knees for a man not to leave me. I have shown plenty a man a whole lot of crazy! I have always wanted to be self-sufficient, self-loving, self-accepting, but I was not giving myself that. It has taken a while and the good Lord knows that the journey is not over, but I feel that my life is worth living, even without a man in it. And I think, even when I do have a man in my life now, that I do not have to comprise myself to keep him around.

What I do know more than anything, is that my restored faith in God has led me on my journey toward wholeness.

It's a good feeling to know that in the heart of God I am completely accepted. Duh, His love is given to me 110% or more. and from the day I was born. When I feel self-doubt, I think to myself... nah, God loves me and continue on my journey. He made me exactly the way I am supposed to be. When I think of the Father sending his Son, so He could experience the human condition, I know that there is a Love so great for me, that I don't need to second guess myself. It's amazing!

The fact that the Lord has put that same Love into my Papi's heart, comforts me when I think of my sister. I know that the same Love was very prevalent in my Mother's as well, and I hope she will again listen to the voice that I know is still speaks to her. I had the Love of God through my Mother growing up.

My prayer is this, "Lord please let my sister experience your unending Love. Please let my Mom hear your voice again, let her experience her worth and the unending Love you will always have for her. Let her and my Papi shine your Love on my sister forever. I will love my Mother forever, but pray that you help me to be strong even when I disagree with her."

Lent Day 6: Mindfulness

This should be a doozy! I'm a day off, I read and meditated today... but will write in the morning, and then will meditate of tomorrow's. I will be up to date by Tuesday 5pm... PROMISE!

First Sunday in Lent: Interpretation

I've decided to forgo today the usual Lenten Scriptures that I am supposed to read and just relate what Patrick sermonized about today. Today we read the story of when Jesus went out into the wilderness and was tempted by the Devil. This is the story that leads us into the Lenten season. I'm going to post the entirety here:  Mark 4: 1-11

^1-3 Next Jesus was taken into the wild by the Spirit for the Test. The Devil was ready to give it. Jesus prepared for the Test by fasting forty days and forty nights. That left him, of course, in a state of extreme hunger, which the Devil took advantage of in the first test: "Since you are God's Son, speak the word that will turn these stones into loaves of bread."

 ⁴Jesus answered by quoting Deuteronomy: "It takes more than bread to stay alive. It takes a steady stream of words from God's mouth."

 ^5-6For the second test the Devil took him to the Holy City. He sat him on top of the Temple and said, "Since you are God's Son, jump." The Devil goaded him by quoting Psalm 91: "He has placed you in the care of angels. They will catch you so that you won't so much as stub your toe on a stone."

 ⁷Jesus countered with another citation from Deuteronomy: "Don't you dare test the Lord your God."

 ^8-9For the third test, the Devil took him to the peak of a huge mountain. He gestured expansively, pointing out all the earth's kingdoms, how glorious they all were. Then he said, "They're yours—lock, stock, and barrel. Just go down on your knees and worship me, and they're yours."

 ¹⁰Jesus' refusal was curt: "Beat it, Satan!" He backed his rebuke with a third quotation from Deuteronomy: "Worship the Lord your God, and only him. Serve him with absolute single-heartedness."

 ¹¹The Test was over. The Devil left. And in his place, angels! Angels came and took care of Jesus' needs. 

I love how the Devil uses scripture in order to try to skew God's word. And I love how Jesus spits right back at him with other scripture. 

I love how in the Bible itself, there are different interpretations of what scripture means. It makes sense why people are so wary of the Bible and how it is used against one another in hate. You can take so much out of the Bible and use it outcast people, to hurt, to destroy. What we often forget is that we need to continue reading, put those words into "context." And as Christians, we must always remember that we interpret the words of the Bible through Jesus' teachings. 

Recently I received an e-mail forward about what Christians believe and the one thing that struck me was that "we believe in antiquated morals that were established during the Iron Age." I don't think the person that wrote that statement has ever read the New Testament or for that matter ever heard the words of Martin Luther King Jr. I'm going to give an example with a very known verse

But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also;  ~Matthew 5:39 First interpretation, be passive, let the evil doer take advantage of you. Now, think about the time when this was probably written. The right had was not to be used for anything but washing before prayers, it was your "sacred hand." So, if you are to hit somebody with your left hand on the right cheek, you are back handing them, making them inferior to you. By turning the other cheek so that you may hit with your left hand, the one being hit makes himself equal to you. It's not passive at all, it is what during the Civil Rights Movement was called "Passive Resistance." If not standing in your enemy's face allowing him to hit you as an equal isn't relevant, then I don't know what is. 

I suggest to people who come up with comments such as "believers in God as believing and practicing antiquated ways," do a bit more research.

Okay, so that was the sermon a few weeks ago. The point of all this is in order to understand scripture, we must read it. Even when we doubt the word of God, we can still turn to it and try to find the deeper meaning. So many people now call themselves spiritual, but not religious. What exactly is that supposed to mean really? I get it, I feel the spirit during moments when I'm not reading the Bible. In fact, I have never read the Bible cover to cover.  However, I do know that when I read scripture, I read entire chapters, not just certain verses to make me feel good or to help me prove a point. I go to the Bible when I'm questioning, when I'm in need of assurance. I am able to read the word of God, but I'm not completely stuck in it. 

Patrick preached today that in the Weslyan tradition, of which United Methodists are a part of, are encouraged to use their minds to illuminate the words of the Bible. He used the term "post-critical naivite" to suggest that it is okay to go to the Bible with doubts and questions, but keeping the mind open to what is said.  The words found in the Bible are supposed to bring healing, but unfortunately it has been used too often to cause harm. 

From what I understand after today's sermon is that the Bible is like a window. It is a window into the word of God. How each of us interprets it is our own doing, but as a Christian it is my duty to go to the Bible for assurance and healing, not to determine whether gays and lesbians loved or not by God. Or whether those of other religious traditions have a place in heaven. 

There is nothing that keeps us from God's love, that is the truth, that is the beauty that can be found in the New Testament, in the teachings of Jesus.

Lent Day 4: Suffering

"We also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance." ~Romans 5:3

Jesus answered, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I have come to call not the righteous, but sinners to repentance." ~Luke 5:31-32

Let's see how this goes today as I have been immensely ill (again) with a sinus infection. I hope it clears up soon. Ha, now that I look at my scripture today, I can totally relate!

I went to the doctor today (okay, yesterday, but I was really too ill to write) because I figured it was about time I kicked whatever sinus problem I have that has crept up on me twice in the past month. I now have antibiotics and hope to be on the mend very soon. Yesterday, I wrote down that I will be healthy for a minimum of one year. That is a tall order to fulfill, but with a little faith and positive attitude, I think I can be very healthy for at least that amount of time. Being healthy I guess is a way of boasting that I have suffered illness. Boasting as a result of suffering? Interesting.

It is so very hard to be a Christian, especially when so many of my dearest friends are not. Following the path that Christ has paved for us is difficult. It is very easy to stray off the path onto a variety of paths. Our daily lives are stimulated in the fact that we have so many choices, some that seem real gooood, and some that seem too good to be true. It is SO easy to take that too good to be true path and then end up falling flat on your face when you trip over the hidden stones on the path. Walking the way of Jesus is not always clear, but sometimes we have to suffer and trip along the way to finally get it. Jesus is with us when we fall, and when we put our trust in Him, He picks us up. He builds our endurance. One of my favorite scriptures is Mark 11:24, "whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received* it, and it will be yours." Yeah, you're probably telling yourself, damn this girl is so naive. Not even! I believe the Lord delivers what you need when you need it. I don't think He delivers the bad things that we have tricked ourselves into believing we need. For example, as awful as my break-up with Mr. G was 6 years ago and how badly I thought I needed him, the Lord thought otherwise. I think a greater power than myself (aka God) knew I couldn't be with him. He was making my life right for better things. I asked in prayer for Graham back, but I have received something better in return, a continuing fulfilling life with real love.

It is so easy to be tempted by what we as mere humans think is right. Our sensory perceptions can deceive us into believing that something is good for us, when really it isn't.
"Blessed is anyone who endures temptation. Such a one has stood the test and will receive the crown of life that the Lord* has promised to those who love him. No one, when tempted, should say, ‘I am being tempted by God’; for God cannot be tempted by evil and he himself tempts no one. But one is tempted by one’s own desire, being lured and enticed by it; then, when that desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and that sin, when it is fully grown, gives birth to death."
~James 1: 12-15

It is hard to resist temptation. Trusting that God will bring us through is the only way to live fully. Following in the path of Jesus may not be easy, but He is there when we turn to him for help. He will be there when our suffering is too much for us to bear alone.

When we are ill, we turn to the physician to heal our bodies. When our spirits are broken, we turn to Jesus. He died for our sins, He gives us a fresh start when we seek it. He alone has the power to heal our souls.

Lent Day 3: Cleanse

"The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." ~Psalm 51: 17


"The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being." 
~Hebrews 1: 3


"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it." 

~John 1: 1-5

Lots of scripture today because I really had to look deep to gain meaning from Psalm 51: 17. Brokenness and contriteness? I guess I didn't quite understand why God would want me to have a broken spirit or a contrite heart.  After much meditation and researching, I think I get it.

God wants us to come to him with offerings of confession and true sorrow for our sins. Psalm 51 relates David's suffering and repentance for having an affair with Bathsheba which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy, and then the eventual murder of her husband Uriah the Hittite, to cover up his sin. The Lord didn't want a sacrificial offering other than the true repentance of his wrong doing. David needed to gain forgiveness through the brokenness of his spirit. 

How often do we cover up the sins we commit against others? Um... I'd say 90% of the time. When I'm wrong, I don't want to fess up! I'm gonna take a long shot and say that not many people do. But when we don't acknowledge our wrong, we sin against God. Here's the thing though, God knows our sin even when we are reluctant to accept them ourselves. In my first reflection this Lenten Season, I recognized that, "yeah, sometimes I think I haven't sinned." That right there is the sin. God knows the intricacies of my mind, He knows what I've done, even when I fail to acknowledge them.

I come to God today to be cleansed, to recognize the wrongs that I have committed. I'm not saying that I've done awful things or that I deserve to be punished, but I come to God asking Him to make me more aware. I may not have a completely broken spirit, but I ask for forgiveness for not recognizing and for not acknowledging the times when I do sin. 

God sent Jesus into the world as His true reflection, His representative on earth. Jesus is one with God.  If I didn't believe that God knows me personally, I probably wouldn't think much about my sin. I would think that I could slip through the cracks. But that would be futile. I need to remember that when I am out in the world that I am also a representation of God. When I do something bad, like talk bad about my mother, I'm not doing right by God because He has created her just as He has created me, in his image and likeness. He loves both of us immensely. We were both created from His Word and His Word is in the World which means that we are also Him. We are His representations. It's the simple things really that can make us not representative of God's love. Love your enemy as you would love your neighbor. When you love your enemy, you stand against him in Love and you create justice in the world. And isn't that why God sent Jesus to be among us, to be able to recognize that we are all equal in the eyes of God. When we turn our hearts from Him, we must come back with true sorrow and repentance to cleanse our hearts. God doesn't need us to sacrifice goats, He needs us to recognize our sin and to ask with true contriteness for forgiveness.

AMEN SISTERS AND BROTHERS! 

Lent Day 2: Release

"Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God." ~Isaiah 41: 10
Then he said to them all, ‘If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it." ~Luke 9:23-24

A year ago I fought my depression. I fought my dilapidated self-worth, I fought to stay alive and try to move on from what I believed to be the most spiritual connection I had ever had with another person. I did move on, but grudgingly. I didn't want to let go of this intensity I had made with this person who was so unavailable to me. I couldn't, or more truthfully, wouldn't let go. I kept looking back, believing deep inside that he would eventually see the goodness in me again. I knew he come to me. He had to be with me. He had chosen me at one point; he had to come back!

The more I looked back, the more I lost touch with myself. I lost my sense of spirituality, my pride in my intelligence and my confidence.  I told myself, he'll see how amazing I am. Ultimately, I lost more of myself believing that my self-worth was measured by somebody else's perception of me. My trust in God completely waned, I delved into the reliance on other humans to make me happy.

Finally, I forced myself to let go of this past joy that had filled my life for a short time. The memory of happiness was drowning me. I couldn't move forward without shaking the experience off. However, we don't completely forget our past experiences. We learn from them and we move forward. I wasn't learning; I was hanging on to a myth of happiness to keep me afloat. I had to let go of the feeling that it was somebody else who would bring me back to real happiness. I had to put my trust elsewhere.

One of the hardest things I encounter in my life and in my relationships is transposing past relationships on new ones. I guess I look at it as a way to protect myself. Often that mentality destroys new relationships that have the potential of being healthy and lasting. So, instead I plan on taking all that was good, all that helped me grow into the confident person that I am, into all newness. All I have to do is put my trust in God that He has made me ready to take on another person. Before, I didn't trust and I lost.

By releasing the past, I gain the future. By trusting in God, I gain the ability to love fully. By looking back, I lose ground. My intention is to gain ground by only looking forward.

Peace to all.

When God Breathes

Who would have known 3 years ago when I started this blog that it would end up being about my journey through Christianity. It all started as me making sense of life and I guess in a way, I have been making sense of it through God, through Jesus.  Who knew, that I would turn my heart to God after years of not believing that there could be any power greater than myself.

Looking back, I see that my life was beyond empty. Nothing made sense, I had no direction and no motivation in my life. When I came back to God, I felt as though I was beginning to fill up with something. Like a glass of water, I was half empty... Turning to God has made my life a more than half full. I have let God breathe life anew into me.

Tonight, Stephanie held smoldering ashes in a dish and said to me (and everyone else involved) as she placed the ashes on my forehead "your life belongs to God." What a statement and what a truth! My life is in God's hands and trusting in Him has made my life a little sweeter.

In the Exodus, the Israelites escaped Egypt guided by a pillar of smoke. As I came to burn my burdens and repent before God, I felt how God never gave up on the Israelites. He led them for 40 years through the desert and delivered them into the land of milk and honey. Translate that literately, figuratively, or however you want... but the truth is: God never gives up on us. He continues to give us breath as he leads us through the deserts of our lives.

This past Sunday was transfiguration Sunday. It is when Peter and two other apostles experienced the transformation of Jesus, where the Holiness of his Spirit became visible on the outside. Peter's discipleship, his calling in life began on that mountain. God silenced Peter's babbling and in those moments of stillness, Peter knew his life's purpose. He let the word of God breathe life into him. It was not only Jesus who was transfigured, it was Peter's transfiguration as well. It was Peter who devoted his life to spreading the word of Jesus after His death. We are all called to God's word and in different ways.

There are many times when I feel the spirit, and tonight was another one of those times. In fact I felt it all day. When I saw Stephanie preparing the sanctuary this morning, I made sure not to bother her. I could feel the spirit preparing her mind and her heart to deliver this time of remembrance and anticipation. 

This morning when I did my devotional I wrote that my sin is not trusting in God and the love He has for me. This evening, a few small words followed by my silent heart and mind, I was able to relent that my life indeed belongs to God.  Wherever I end up on this journey through life, I know that God will deliver me exactly where He has intended. He has breathed life into my soul, and he fills up my glass!

Peace be upon you....

Lent Day 1: Repentance

Lent starts today and this evening at church we will be having our service of Ashes. Everyday I plan on writing a little bit about my journey towards Easter Sunday and the celebration of our resurrected Lord. First a little background.

                     

Ash Wednesday is typically a day of fasting. Fasting can mean so many different things and in our Western traditions, where we like to celebrate by eating, fasting can seem like a drag.  During Lent many people will give up something that tempts them. I've always regarded this as a way to honor the 40 days that Christ spent in the wilderness being tempted by "Satan." 


Two major components come into play during Ash Wednesday. First the placement of the ashes on the forehead in the shape of a cross. The Ashes symbolize what is said in Genesis 3:19 "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground,since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” These words remind us of our humanity and our mortality. Second, Lent is seen as a time of repentance & humility. By fasting we show our humility towards God and we repent our sins. 


Here though lies the contradiction. So many times, we as Christians will give up something to show off our fasting and honoring of Jesus' fasting. But Jesus warns against this, He warns us not to be boastful or show off to impress others. Often we take great pride that, "hey, I gave up eating candy for Lent." As humans we want others to be in awe of our sacrifice. But ultimately, it is not about our sacrifice, it is about Jesus' ultimate sacrifice so that we would be assured of our placement in heaven. 


During this season of Lent I will be following a C.S. Lewis Devotional. C.S. Lewis was a great Christian apologetic and his studies and writings are straightforward. This first day of Lent he reminds me that sometimes we think we have nothing to repent. Often times during our time of Confession, I think to myself, "I have done nothing wrong this week." That's bullshit really, and just by saying that, is assurance that I have sinned. Just because I don't wrong someone doesn't mean that I am sinless. I sin against even myself by thinking of my unworthiness or looking into a comment that I expect is meant to harm me. Not loving myself well enough is a sin against God, who loves me regardless of what I think about myself. All I can do is be assured by his steadfast love and the assurance that He made me to be perfect in his eyes. My neglect to see myself as His creation is my sin. To not trust in God is my sin. Therefore, today as I begin the season of Lent, I repent that I have not trusted Him. I pray that I can see myself in the Light He has conceived me. I pray that I can trust that He has created a life for me that is redeeming. Because even when I don't trust, the truth is there, He has created a redeeming life for all of us. 


I will not speak of my fast on this blog or of what I intend to do. I will instead focus on the days leading up to Christ's sacrifice and how I can learn from the gospels and His teachings. 


Peace to all...

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

How many times do we look in the mirror every morning and disdain what we see in the reflection? For me, I'd say about 60% of the time. When I was going through a depressive moment in my life, I would look at myself and tell myself how ugly I was, or how fat I was. After a while, I believed what I was telling myself, so I decided to try a different approach; tell myself how pretty I am, and how awesome I look!  It didn't quite work because the negativity I had fed myself had severely affected me to the point where I had absolutely no self-esteem.


Today I read the most beautiful poem:
Psalm 139: 13-16
¹³ For it was you who formed my inward parts;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
   Wonderful are your works;
that I know very well. 
¹⁵   My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 
¹⁶ Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
   all the days that were formed for me,
   when none of them as yet existed. 


I may not see what God sees in me everyday when I look in the mirror, or more importantly when I curse the horrific-ness of an under-wire bra, but I am worthy of being kind to myself and accepting what He sees as beautiful. It doesn't matter if my hair is oily today because the shower is in the process of being fixed right now. God sees me, He sees what's most important. Plus he knows that tomorrow I can wash my hair again! These days I value myself and much of the time I do that because I have put confidence in the fact that it doesn't matter whether others think I'm "hot or not." I am beautiful to God otherwise He wouldn't have put me on this earth, He never would have made possible my conception.

142 lb and sick, sick, sick

I have been sick the past week and I have not done any exercise.  Last Thursday, I believe it was the 27th, I went to my lady doctor to have a biopsy done on my cervix. Not a pleasant thing to do, but necessary. Cervical cancer apparently is easier to eradicate than most. I don't know if it is cancer yet, but if the cells look bad, they can freeze those suckers right out of there!

I probably could have taken a few days off after the biopsy, but NO. The next day, I decided a 3 mile run was a good idea, and then decided that participating in the KCSprints was an even better idea. I knew the minute that saddle was too high up during my first trial race, that I was in for it!  To be completely honest, I should have known better from what happened on Thursday night. I woke up sweating in the middle of the night. I thought maybe it was because I was just hot, but I thought otherwise the next day when I took a shower and realized that the warm water hurt my skin, like that achy feeling. So, I just popped some ibuprofen and was on my way.

Saturday morning I had breakfast with Mr. Christopher and was feeling a little achy everywhere. I assumed it was from all the sprinting the night before, so again, ibuprofen! Mr. C and I did some shopping that day, but by the time we got back to his place I was starting to feel very achy and had to lay down. An hour later, I was sick with chills, body aches, you name it; all the gross flu symptoms. Remember, at this time I wasn't putting my biopsy and these flu-like symptoms together.  So, I fell asleep and I must be the luckiest girl in the world because when I woke up, I had a Cinnabon Cinnamon Roll bar, a roll of Sweetarts, and a Sprite.

Mr. C let me stay the night and he took care of me. He even cuddled me when I had the chills! I can't imagine how bored he must have been to give up his Saturday night to watch me be sick!

Sunday was a bust, I stayed over at Mr. C's and we watched Shawn of the Dead. I really never thought I'd see that movie, but I must say, it was pretty decent. Finally, around 5:30 that night, I went home and kept all the ickiness at bay with tylenol, alkaseltzer and more ibuprofen. Finally, Friday I let it all out of my system and realized that I hadn't recovered. I am pretty good at kicking bugs, but of course my mind got all wrapped up thinking I have cancer. I was like, shit, this is it... this is why I don't feel good. I won't know my results til this Friday, but I'm pretty optimistic I am just fine.

Mr. C did some research about complications from biopsies and let me in on it. So, Saturday morning he came over early and we went to Planned Parenthood because this is the kind of stuff they deal with, plus they are open on Saturdays and take walk-ins. Well, that's what they say, but Saturday is abortion day apparently. I could NOT see a doctor and had to call a hotline to have a doctor paged to call me. Luckily, I got some antibiotics, and truthfully I may not feel one hundred percent, but I can feel a difference. How you say? Because I took ibuprofen at 10am and it is now 10:30pm. I feel pretty ok!

The road to recovery is on and I hope to be feeling better by next Saturday. That's my goal because come next Monday, I want to be back in my running shoes!

 Peace ya'll! Stay healthy and remember, NO PHYSICAL ACTIVITY AFTER A BIOPSY!

Happiness is a Camera-Phone

Stuff!

Sheep & Goats

Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. When I think of this National Holiday, when school is not in session, I start to wonder what we are doing as a nation to recognize the late "American Prophet." I think Hy-Vee had a one-day sale and I saw a commercial about some kind of liquidation sale for another store.  I had the day off, but realized it after I had been in the office for two hours. Whoops!

I don't understand this mentality. First of all, I think school should be in session and Martin Luther King remembered. Every day Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, Hungarian, what have you, students sit together in class and learn their lessons. Why not take one day out of the year to have these students really look at each other and really see what is there, let them see that at one point in our American History, they would not have been sitting together in the same classroom, the same building. Many of them would not have the opportunity to know each other or understand cultural differences.

Today, my devotional was Matthew 25:31-46. Here the Lord separates the righteous from the wicked, those who have reached out to those in need and to those who have not. One group goes to Heaven, the other group goes to HAIDES!!!!!

I look at Martin Luther King day and I see that we as a nation are not commemorating him or being of service to God really in an appropriate manner. Where is the recognition that the oppressed were able to be redeemed through their faith in each other, in God, and for some reason, humanity? We are no longer helping each other or lifting each other up in times of need. We have become complacent. I think Martin Luther King day should be a day of real remembrance, a day when we are in service to one another. Just taking one day out of the year could un-mask the ugliness that still exists in the world. When we are working together, we are working towards a goal of peace. Let us remember that.

A Camel Through a Needle's Eye???

On Christmas eve, I sat with a friend of mine drinking tasty frosty ales (Miller Lite) when I tried to explain the Eye of the Camel. I had just studied it in my parables class and I was finding myself dumbfounded. I had to leave it for another time. The past three weeks, I have been in quite the whirlwind and I have not picked up my Upper Room since January 2nd, and I didn't really pay it much notice at that! My mind has been elsewhere.  For those of you that don't know, "The Upper Room" is a publication put out every two months and is full of daily devotionals, scripture readings and insights. Being the way that I am, I am never satisfied to just read what it tells me, I have to do some studying!

So, today I finally picked up my Upper Room, turned to today's date and low and behold! The Eye of the Camel story! Luke 18: 18-30

Simple, a rich man comes to Jesus asks what he has to do to get into heaven. Jesus says, follow the Commandments. The man says he does all those things. Jesus then says, sell all your possessions, and follow me. The man leaves and Jesus says it, “How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! ²⁵Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

A simple reading of that would suggest that you have to be poor to really be a follower of Jesus. There are many ways in which we can be followers of Jesus, but I think the point is that we are too attached to our earthly possessions. I'm sure Jesus wants us to live comfortably, running water, heated homes in the winter, cooled in the summer. Our God given talents to make these things possible should not be taken for granted, and used for the reasons they have been made. I think though that we put too much meaning and value into the "things" we own. For example, I almost feel my life would be at a loss if I didn't have my MacBook. I love this little computer. If I didn't have it, I'd be relegated to waiting in line at the library to use the computer for an hour. Not a bad thing, but I'm like that rich man... it is hard to part with our stuff. I guess though, if one day this computer dies, and it will like all other computers, I will have to suck it up and use whatever means I have to.  I'm just hoping it doesn't mean going back to a PC! Agh! I want to not be so dependent on my stuff so I try, try really, really, really, really  hard to live a very simple life and below my means.

Back to the story. It is difficult to give up things, so difficult that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. I love how Jesus uses such grandiose metaphors in his teachings. I mean seriously, what, a camel at that!, can make it through the eye of the needle? (I welcome comments from those wanting to talk about a gate called the eye of the needle... I can debate it, it's cool!)

The Main Character

One of the very best things I have learned on my quest through life is that Coco takes center stage. I must look out for number one! I've got depression issues and sometimes I have to just take time to build myself up. After Joe's sermon yesterday, I realize though, that I'm not the one who gets myself through each day, it is God. 


I have found myself before kneeling in the center of my room crying to God to save me. I have pounded my chest and sobbed into the carpet, yes SOBBED for God to make things the way I want them. When my episodes have passed and I am thoroughly happy again and past all my issues, I rarely give thanks to God for seeing me through. Joe made a great point yesterday, "who plays the main role in your life?" I love how Pastor Joe is honest in his sermons, he doesn't make himself out to be the stand-up guy that all Pastors and Ministers are "supposed" to be. He is flawed just like the rest of us. I love this about the church I attend; our Pastors are never afraid to make themselves vulnerable to the congregation. I guess in a way, that makes them more approachable and more human. So many times, religious leaders are held in contempt, and we often either hold them above the rest of society, or we are wary of them and un-trusting. 


The sermons our Pastors give are not "preachy," instead they convey a message that, "hey, we're all human, trying to get it right in this world through God and his Son." Some days we get it right, other days we have a ways to go. 


So what role does God play in my life? Well, I think it helps that I work at the church I attend, so He definitely plays a role on a daily basis. But when it comes to my personal life, God is generally a secondary character. Sometimes I find myself being too self-righteous and silently proud of the things that I do. And then there are other times when I am humbled and shamed by that same pride. There is always, "what else can I do? Don't judge others for what they are incapable of providing." I often have to find solace in just accepting that I do what I do because it is what I have been called to do. John the Baptist's role was to announce the Messiah to the world. When he did that his "life's purpose" was fulfilled. In the passage we read from John 1: 29-42 John declares, "‘Here is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! This is he of whom I said, “After me comes a man who ranks ahead of me because he was before me.” I myself did not know him; but I came baptizing with water for this reason, that he might be revealed to Israel.’" 


We live in a world where books like "The Purpose Driven Life," encourage us to make bold decisions about the direction our lives should take. I think these books are great because there are so many people in this world who are lost and need help in finding their purpose. But some of us search and search, wondering, "is this all it is?" I'm not John the Baptist, I haven't always known what the purpose of my life is to be, nor do I really know right now. I do know that there are things that I do in this life that bring me great joy, and these come when I am in service to God, when I am connecting and helping others. I'll be honest, there are times when the burdensomeness of my daily life has me questioning, "should I be out making a ton of money, working 50 hours a week?  I had a job where I made a lot of money, but I wasn't fulfilling any of my spiritual needs. Now that I work for my church, I see my "purpose" a little more clearly. I know that part of my purpose is to be in service to those in my community.  


As Americans we define our lives by our work, but I believe pretty whole-heartedly that my work is an outlet for my purpose in life and it also affords a creative outlet for myself, which is another thing that I desperately need in my life. I tried to be in service at my previous job, but the bottom line was money and budgets. Churches need to make money in order to survive as well, but ultimately, it's about serving God's people. 


One of the great things about church services is really being able to come home and reflect on what all was said.  There is a lot to be learned about life from a simple sermon. I don't ever go home thinking I'm gonna go to hell if I don't change my ways. I mostly think, boy what can I do to help others, and then I usually take a nap! :)

144lb 12 minute mile..

No joke. Shape up or ship out!

The saddest part about my workout is that I only ran 1.25 miles today. The rest, I walked. Exercise for me is not about vanity, it's about feeling healthy. When I breath with exaggerated breaths, I know I've fallen off the wagon somewhere. I really cannot blame it on Christmas eating or anything like that. I can only blame in on total disdain for working out. I have been more content to sit around, watch movies, drink beer, and eat copious amounts of delicious food that I make for my grandparents.

But 144 pounds of the Captain?!?!? No way! Time to shape up. So, here on my blog I am outlining my plan for the week, and will update every Saturday. Hold me to this people! I have a hard time holding myself to things when the things in life are just too good to pass up while running in this icy-cold weather. Brrr... but the Parks & Recreation Department of KCMO have excellent community facilities at a fraction of the prices most gyms offer.

So, this is what I did today: 35 minutes on the treadmill. I ran for 15 minutes at approximately an 11.5 minute mile. Then I walked around the track for another quarter mile to cool off. In all, I was "active" for 3.25 miles. I guess that's better than nothing. I have decided to work my way back into my normal running regime. Before when I would take a week off for recovery, I would go right into a 3 mile run. This time around, I'm just gonna go slow and creep my way back up to being able to run 13 miles on Saturdays. At this point, I can no longer call myself a runner because running once or twice a week is NOT proper training. Besides, when I try to get back in, I go for that 3 miler like I did before, and then I'm in pain for a few days.

I find it interesting that two years ago, I could run a half marathon every weekend. That was when I was BAD-ASS, and about 14 pounds lighter.

Here's my schedule for the week:
Monday: Run/Walk: 35 minutes  Bicycle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds sprints to 1 minute sintervals
Tuesday: Run/Walk 35 minutes   Bicycle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervals
Wednesday:  OFF, this is a big day at church for me
Thursday: Run/Walk 35 minutes  Bicyle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervals
Friday:  I have prior obligations this week.
Saturday: Run/Walk 35 minutes  Bicyle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervals
Sunday: Ride my bicycle with Mr. Jon Peck   He is going to run his first marathon this year, so I need to keep up with my running and cycling, and who better to do it with? Mr. Jon P!

Wish me luck! Cuz I want to be a runner again!

My Favorite Book

By now, frequent readers of my blog know all too well that my favorite book is Paulo Coehlo's "The Alchemist." I give this book to people that are important in my life and who I want to give a part of myself to.

Two and a half years ago, I was in a tiny apartment in Paris, depressed, amid a sea of down blankets, looking out the window with frequency, telling myself to get up! I didn't know what I was doing in that country. I should have been out exploring, but I just wanted to be alone, away from the world. I spent about a week in the apartment before I decided to venture out. I didn't just go out and roam around Paris, I took a trip to Vienna, Prague and Krakow. I  bought an airline ticket to Vienna, paid for by the lovely people at Visa, and let the rest of the trip work itself out,  I arrived in Vienna and as the plane taxied, I realized, I had no idea even what language they spoke in this Central European country. I generally take great pride in the fact that I am a good traveler, I am not that dumb American. But here I was, grabbing my bag at an airport in the middle of a city where I didn't know the language. Gasp! I looked at the signs and figured out what language was spoken, and only words in German I could muster were: Guten tag & Das Boot! Agh, I was in for it for sure. Luckily, every person in the world speaks English and getting around was easier than walking barefoot through a wading pool!

But I was miserable in Vienna, I went for a super long walk until I found the tourist attractions. All the happy people taking pictures in the rain, motivated me to go back to my hostel to be alone. I stopped at what would equate as a Mom and Pop diner in a less touristy part of town and had some dinner while the rain subsided. The owner gave me two HUGE beers (one free) and asked me why the hell I would be traveling alone in Central Europe. My response was simple, "I always travel alone." In the midst of my depressive mood, I thought that I would probably always be alone. I was 30 years old, why had I believed that I would ever find a person or persons to share my life and experiences with. After spending a few hours drinking beer with my new Austrian friend, who gave me excellent tourist advice and things to see, I decided to walk back to my hostel, in the rain, which in hindsight was a perfect reflection of my state of being at that time.

Fortunately I met other travelers and ended up with a travel partner to go with me to Prague and Krakow. I wasn't all that impressed with Prague, but in Krakow, my life changed. I met a guy by the name of Victor and we enjoyed the city as though we belonged there. We became a part of the culture and the life that existed in this small city that had a turbulent and tragic past.  There was a sort of magic that danced with us as we ran through the cold streets of Krakow. I didn't want to leave after 3 fantastic days of discovering life, but the morning came when I had to return the Vienna to catch a flight back to Paris. I don't remember much of what we spoke of, other than our lives being attached to something greater and that there are signs that show us which way our lives are supposed to go. He was the second person to recommend that I read "The Alchemist." I left my new friend, who I have only spoken to once since then, with happiness in my heart.

Back in Paris, I relented myself to my apartment and sea of down blankets for a couple of days before I decided to venture out onto the busy streets of Paris. I ended up in the Latin Quarter at Shakespeare's Bookstore and I found the book he had recommended and took it home with me. The next day I ended up taking a train to Versailles and roamed around the gardens for several hours. I brought my book along with a a jar of Nutella, and became immersed in the journey of a boy by the name of Santiago...

I immediately related to this book and realized that I too had been on a path, but I had no idea where that path was headed. I wanted so much to be this brave girl in the world, but was terrified of actually embarking on it. So, I came home to the USA and decided to take on this journey of finding my Personal Legend. Like Santiago, I have had set backs and heart-wrenching experiences. I have also learned a great deal about people and how I am really a part of this life and the people in it.

Last night, our AfterHours Service at church came to a "pause." Pastor Joe was upset because this was a service that he had been wanting to do for years and he felt like he had failed his dream.  I don't believe he failed at all, in fact I think he opened a new chapter. I don't believe this is the end of AfterHours, but a beginning to what it can truly be. The path is full of lessons and setbacks, but if he really believes in this service, it'll come to fruition again and the way he has envisioned it. (I mean, I really thought we should sit in a circle and hum... but it isn't my dream! Definitely one I want to help bring to fruition for though) But Joe's presence and love for this service has also opened a chapter in my life and my call to ministry.  Last night he spoke about baptism and how Jesus' baptism by John was His way of becoming a part of humanity. Joe had us wash our hands in the baptismal water, and when I did, I finally felt the ultimate calling. As I looked up at the cross, I made a vow to God, to forever be his disciple and his student. I was baptized as a baby, like many, but at that moment I felt like I had been on this path all along.

There are many things that have happened since last December (2009) when Paul first put "Living Buddha, Living Christ," in my hands. I had been going to church, trying to be spiritual, trying to understand what my role in the world is. This book made Jesus human, more personal than He had ever been to me. I realized then, that because of Christ, I am able to have such passion in my life, which I have also come to understand makes me more susceptible to agony. The agony I felt when my friendship with Paul ended, made me want to be more practical in life, made me search for stability. The whirlwind of passion was too intolerable, and I needed a reprieve from it. I did all that practicality requires, but was again unsatisfied because I feel deeply and want to connect with people on a higher plane than what was right in front of me. I went to a concert this past December 9th, and being able to connect with friends on this crazy spiritual level again was awesome. I told a friend of mine later, that I was completely blissed out, just so happy at that moment being in this loud bar listening to music I'd never heard. Since that night, I have felt love so deeply in my heart and I knew how close I was and am to my Personal Legend. Life is about relationships, and my spiritual and human relationship to Jesus made me realize this. The path is about taking risks, and during the past year, I have become that brave girl in the world, who isn't terrified anymore about embarking on this roller-coaster life! I have let the Spirit guide me, and I have remembered to incorporate the humanity of Jesus into my living.

Thanks to Joe and his insistence to renew our baptism I know where my path leads. I am a disciple of Jesus... and I will be forever. Through Him, my life, which has been so great the past few months, will only get better.
Because "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."