Lent Day 2: Release

"Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God." ~Isaiah 41: 10
Then he said to them all, ‘If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it." ~Luke 9:23-24

A year ago I fought my depression. I fought my dilapidated self-worth, I fought to stay alive and try to move on from what I believed to be the most spiritual connection I had ever had with another person. I did move on, but grudgingly. I didn't want to let go of this intensity I had made with this person who was so unavailable to me. I couldn't, or more truthfully, wouldn't let go. I kept looking back, believing deep inside that he would eventually see the goodness in me again. I knew he come to me. He had to be with me. He had chosen me at one point; he had to come back!

The more I looked back, the more I lost touch with myself. I lost my sense of spirituality, my pride in my intelligence and my confidence.  I told myself, he'll see how amazing I am. Ultimately, I lost more of myself believing that my self-worth was measured by somebody else's perception of me. My trust in God completely waned, I delved into the reliance on other humans to make me happy.

Finally, I forced myself to let go of this past joy that had filled my life for a short time. The memory of happiness was drowning me. I couldn't move forward without shaking the experience off. However, we don't completely forget our past experiences. We learn from them and we move forward. I wasn't learning; I was hanging on to a myth of happiness to keep me afloat. I had to let go of the feeling that it was somebody else who would bring me back to real happiness. I had to put my trust elsewhere.

One of the hardest things I encounter in my life and in my relationships is transposing past relationships on new ones. I guess I look at it as a way to protect myself. Often that mentality destroys new relationships that have the potential of being healthy and lasting. So, instead I plan on taking all that was good, all that helped me grow into the confident person that I am, into all newness. All I have to do is put my trust in God that He has made me ready to take on another person. Before, I didn't trust and I lost.

By releasing the past, I gain the future. By trusting in God, I gain the ability to love fully. By looking back, I lose ground. My intention is to gain ground by only looking forward.

Peace to all.