No Mo' Drama Mama

          So I've decided that from here on out, I will dedicate my life to being drama-free!  I know I mentioned this new blog as my FB status and people seemed to really like the idea.  Who knows, maybe I will have some new readers.  (I know, I'm an attention-seeker... you got me!)
As a note to anybody who has just begun reading this or who has been a dedicated follower: this is not technically a new blog, it's just a new focus. My blog has been and will always be dedicated to Joe Alabarces, who was my sister Alicia's first boyfriend.  He died two years ago.  About a year before his terminal illness took hold of his life, his "About Me" section on MySpace had a Gandhi quote, "Live each day like you are going to die tomorrow, learn like you were going to live forever."  So I dedicated my blog to that wisdom.

          But! Living life the past year has been rather turbulent and I definitely wasn't living for the day, and I wasn't learning very much. I learned a lot of things NOT to do, but here's what I DID learn:

1.     When commenting on a Facebook status, keep in mind who else  your "friend" may be friends with.
           IE. Always keep in mind that your former roommate may work with your friend. Whoops.
           Ever hear of the Law of Attraction? Well, she told me I am a living drama. Ouch!  That thought stuck and I've done a GREAT job of manifesting drama for the past year.  I guess what I have learned is that, maybe there is something to this law... who knew Oprah may have been on to something. 
2   End a romantic relationship when your gut tells you to.
          Okay, so I was dating this guy who got too busy with his work.  He never used that as an excuse, but his time away from work was spent with the boys or sleeping in a hammock.  I took advantage of his "non-availability," went on a few dates with a guy who was probably better suited for me, but who in turn said I never made time for him! Ha! Go figure!
          And then a spur of the moment trip to another city to meet up with a guy who months earlier you just couldn't keep your eyes off because he was so interesting.  Nights in a different city generally end in a drunken night and making out.  Next, tttttrrrryyyyy to remember that you met this guy through the guy you are currently having second thoughts about, so you don't have to cover your tracks.
          What I learned from this: Guilt will cause you to do crazy ass things, like being constantly jealous of what your dude is up to.  And then it'll make you want him around ALL THE TIME.  LUCKILY! I realized after all the Bullshit I put him through that he didn't know about, that I was just impatient with his busy summer work schedule.  I think it could have been a good relationship (even though he says he's not a boyfriend type... yeah whatever, he's too nice not to be boyfriend material... he's got some crazy facade he's got to keep up... I think he's just purely male and needs instinctually to spread his "genes" around... :) And if you read this sexilicious, you know that I love you and this is just me clearing the slate....xoxo)

3.  When you meet a married man, who before he even sits down, you know that a connection is already there, run. Run for your life.
          It'll save both of you from detrimental pain.  If this man is everything you have really ever dreamt of in a partner, recognize that he's already chosen one. When he is having doubts about his marriage, stay out of it.  If you are convinced you really love him, be STRONG, keep your boundaries up and refrain from talking to him (or her, if you're on the other side of the table)  If your "dream" person ends up getting divorced, and you have stayed away, who knows what your chances will be.  If you meddle, your heads gets screwed and eventually you could ruin what might have been something awesome in the end.  Here is what your guilt will do if you meddle (and of course if you have a conscience) you will find any way to make the married person miserable. You may say hateful and vengeful things, that you probably would refrain from if you were in good conscience.  Oh, and then you may have the mindset when you feel guilty, to use other people to make you feel better. Collateral damage so to speak.

So okay, there you have it.... clearing the slate.  You may be thinking, that's it? So many people do these things and don't even think twice. Well, I have a problem living with a guilty conscience.  I go on and on about how much I care for the people in my life, but why would I hide things from them or lie just to save face?  I've come to the conclusion that I like to be the victim.  Well, my friends... I am overcoming the victim role.  I'm also going to overcome the guilt-induced perpetrator.  I want to live well, I want to be happy, I think this is the first step. Wish me luck, the road to a healthy psychosis for the Captain is undiscovered terrain.

The Good Samaritan

Gentle character; it is which enables the rope of life to stay unbroken in one's hand."

~Yoruba Proverb, Nigeria

          Ah... to be able to live up to that proverb would be a blessing. Recently I've been struggling with understanding the negative undertones of my persona that so often take over my rationale. I have always wanted to be that good person, that person that does good for others. In the past two years, my life has been somewhat of a roller coaster trying to maintain that image. Over the course of about 6 months, from March to August 2009, my mental state was healthy and I was in touch with the spirit of the God that I worship. I was kind-hearted, not just because I felt I needed to be, but because that was truly where my heart was. Somehow, when the guy I was dating went on his annual bike trip, I lost my way. I lost my faith in him, went to Minneapolis and broke my commitment to him. I came to believe that he wasn't capable of being my boyfriend, so it made it easier. That shouldn't nor does it excuse my actions in the great state of Minnesota, but I was heartbroken letting the truth of the matter soak in and wanted to satisfy my sadness. I've kept him close since I broke things off with him because of my guilt. Today I confessed to him and I felt the guilt fade away. It is in this instant that I realized that I may not be Mr. Hyde after all. I very much identify with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and if you want to read that blog, I encourage you to click here. I, unlike Jekyll, will not let Mr. Hyde win. I know how much better it feels to be honest, to be truthful in all instances. There is no delay in repercussions and allows for quicker healing. I want to heal my friendship with my most favorite bike mechanic because he's worth it to me. He told me today, that sometimes you have to just keep moving along even if you hurt people, but I value my friendships, even when I am not forthright in them. I believe that with prayer and with a truthful heart, you will receive what you want. I don't ask for these things because I just want everything to go my way, it's because I DO care, albeit my actions prove otherwise.

          I love myself most when I am a good person, when I do the right thing. When I met Simon in September last year, I thought I was doing the right thing. Like in my last blog, I didn't think anything of it really. Had I been a loyal friend like I know I wasn't, I would have run when I recognized the wanting in his eyes. You live, you learn. That is the mantra for my life and for my blog. So, I'm learning.

          I do believe the Spirit was working within me today. Our scripture from Luke was the parable of "The Good Samaritan." For those of you not familiar, go here (easiest version of the bible ever). Two religious men passed by and ignored a man in a ditch who has been robbed, beaten and left for dead. The Samaritan, who in the time of Jesus was more closely related to a Gentile, similar to an outcast, stopped, tended to his wounds and took him to safety. To be close to God, to find eternal life, we are to love God with our whole hearts, our whole being, our whole intelligence, and then to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. "But what is the definition of neighbor," the scholar listening to the story asked Jesus. Is it to be the man in the ditch, the Good Samaritan, the do-gooder (Patrick's words) What I took away from today's sermon was that the neighbor is God, the God in all of us. Our neighbor is the man in the ditch. The man is a symbolism of God, a symbol of Christ who was left to fall among thieves on the cross. Accepting that man in the ditch is accepting God into your heart. God became human in the flesh of Jesus, He came to this world to be among us, to feel our pain, to feel our suffering. Not just the bleeding and wounded pain in our lives, but all our pain. Our psychological suffering, our longing for things to be right in the world. When we reach out for the man in the ditch, we reach out for God. In all of us, flows the Spirit, we are all connected through the Spirit. My God is not always the Victorious God because He is a part of me. He is willing to be drug through the dirt of my anguish and my pain, but my faith in Him as a loving God, allows me to pick myself and continue pushing myself through this life. He has seen the mess I've made and has been patient with me until I have been able to recognize the underlying impetus of my pain.  When I recognize this truth, recognize that God has felt this pain right alongside me, His faith in me shines through, and He lifts me up and delivers me.  The truth is what I owe to everyone, the truth will allow my God to be victorious with me.

          I believe that often, we as humans only see God purely as a Divine Being. But his hand reaches out to us in the most human of forms. The day I felt most depressed and hurting, I went to my friend's house and I believe God delivered me the hand I needed. The words just flowed, suck it up. Sucking it up has meant facing the truth and accepting the evil within me. But through my faith, I know that I will be able to conquer it and be the person that I know I am.

          They say God works in mysterious ways, but I also thinks He works through a collective consciousness and allows us as humans to guide and be of service to our neighbors.

Once there is seeing, there must be acting…

We must be aware of the real problems of the world.

Then, with mindfulness, we will know what to do,

And what not to do, to be of help.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

          I love the teachings of Hanh because he teaches engaged Buddhism and I often find the correlation of his teachings to those of Christianity. God has given us eyes to see, ears to listen. He has given us the gift of being able to help those in need. To me that is very closely related to the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. When we are mindful of ourselves, we are mindful to the needs and suffering of others. Mindfulness is being aware, awakened to the wisdom of the Buddha. When we are mindful, we are able to see our relationship to each other and to the world, we see the interrelatedness of each other. Mindfulness also includes remembering. For any Buddhist who may read this, he or she may want to argue that we shouldn't dwell in the past and only in the now. But remembering allows us to recognize our previous conditions and how those conditions shaped us into the person we are right now. It also allows us to really see that interconnectedness to all things, all beings. Forgetting the past is not mindful because without it, we have no way to understand how we've arrived to where we are now.

          Hanh also teaches the importance of identification. When we are aware/mindful, we are able to see our oneness with the world, we see the connectedness, we are able to become empathetic towards the suffering of those in our lives, of those in the world. When we are empathetic we become compassionate and sympathetic, but we don't pity. And for change to happen, Hahn teaches the importance of action. Once we see, once we connect, we must act. When we act, we not only heal others, we heal ourselves.

          Being mindful is directly connected, in my opinion, to the parable of the Samaritan. A non-religious man walking on the path from Jericho to Jerusalem, connected to that man, didn't need the laws of the Jewish religion to take the right action, but he knew what was right. In God we are all connected, in Buddhism we are all connected. I believe Siddhartha would have taught the same thing, to feel compassion. Reaching out for the man in the ditch, reaching out for the man on the cross is recognizing that connectedness. When I reach out to God and bring the Spirit into my heart, I reach out and bring my sisters and brothers in too.

          So I must act in accordance to the commandment, "Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor." When I lie to those I hold dearest to my heart, I lie to God, because God is that neighbor, He is the One in each of us. I will be honest, I will be forthright. My intention is to no longer hurt the ones I love. I will be of gentle character so as to keep the rope of life unbroken by my hand.

I like to Throw Caution to the Wind

I tried convincing myself of that on January 8th in a Wendy's parking lot. What really happened? I wanted to kiss the man of my dreams.  To hell with the fact that he was married. I went to sleep that night totally blissed... and why? Because I felt that somebody who was so unavailable to me, was completely in love with me.  What a fantastic feeling, knowing that somebody who should be dedicated to another person wanted to belong to me.  Sounds fucking ridiculous right? But if you really think about it, shit, what person doesn't want to feel like they've been chosen, that things would be right in the world if these two souls actually did belong together. I didn't care, I wanted that IMMEDIATE gratification of knowing what it felt like to be wanted for who I am. It's intoxicating to find another person on this planet who you feel can take a peek into your soul.  What is funny in retrospect is that I didn't find him all that attractive when I first met him, but over the course of e-mail conversations and him understanding my feelings toward the world, and sharing a few beers a couple of evenings, I fell for him.  I went into our friendship non-chalantly, with no feelings of anything more than a friendship. I even told him that I thought it was great that he was involved because we could have a friendship that wouldn't be compromised.  Harry had it right, men and women CANNOT be friends. (When Harry Met Sally) Actually, that's not entirely true. Zeke and I are friends. We may have desires towards each other from time to time, but I think we're past the point of all that petty feelings and needing to talk about our "relationship" bullshit.

Anyway, I digress. I want to do something here that I haven't done when relating my "drama" with Simon.  (names are being protected) Simon did nothing wrong other than break his loyalty to his wife and comment on my blog using an alias. So he wanted to be close to me, but at the same time he needed to fulfill his obligation to his marriage, try to make it work. In my mind, his constant contacting me kept my hopes up. I will not lie, I wanted his marriage to end, but I would never say that to him. I wanted to keep the hope alive that one in the end he would be mine. But when it became apparent that he recognized that he HAD to work with her, I lost my mind.  Karma is a BITCH! I should have been a good Christian and let him figure his relationship out. I wished for negative things, and let myself be drawn into my negative mindset. Simon became my obsession and I couldn't let him go.  The more I thought about the situation, the more my guilt set in.  I told some people that he made me feel like it was my fault. He never once told me that his divorce was my fault. He never stole my happiness. When I contacted him in May or whenever it was, (yes I said I CONTACTED HIM) I thought we could be friends again. However, when my crazy mind took over me in February, I said some hateful words to him that made him wary of me. I broke his trust by telling him that I hated him.  I broke his trust by wanting his marriage to end.  I told him that he didn't deserve her, that he was bad. Simon isn't a bad person. He made a vow almost 10 years ago, he had to see if he could hold himself to that vow and be worthy of it. I told him he wasn't... and why? Because it wasn't working in MY favor.

It's only human to want things to work in our favor. Some of us are able to walk away when things don't. Unfortunately I wasn't able to. And then I wasn't able to be truthful about it to the close friends I told about the situation. I wanted to be the victim.  I am NOT the victim in this situation.  Simon and I are not speaking as of right now because of something I did.  I thought we could be friends again, but I let my guilt sneak up on me because I felt like he could see through me. I hadn't let him go completely, I hadn't let him heal from this unfortunate event that has happened in his life. And I wanted him to see me the way that I was when I was in my healthy state of mind.  Instead, I harassed him through e-mail and text message and when he didn't respond the way I wanted, I tried to force my guilt on him... again. I don't like to be weighed down with these guilty feelings, but the fact of the matter is that I am guilty of doing what I did.  I wronged our friendship, far more than he did.

I'm not going to say I'm sorry in this blog, I think the truth is apology enough.  I don't feel guilty anymore. I have a new friend and I told him just a tiny, tiny bit as to why I was mad at Simon.  I told HIM the truth.  He told me simply, suck it up. Just suck it up.  I fucked up, I let Simon see my good and bad side and my bad side is REAL bad, Mr. Hyde bad.  And of course, negativity is much more powerful than the positive.  Simon told me in an e-mail, "there is so much good in you." I want to focus on that part of me again, and I think owning up will help me do just that.  I was on a roll with my positive attitude and I thought I had beat my depression/anger. This is to renewed hope in myself.

I don't think Simon will want to be friends with me even if he reads this blog, but I hope to God one day he can see that I do repent.  I will say this, regardless of whatever happens or what has happened, Simon was worthy of his vows. We make mistakes, but that doesn't make us lesser people. He is a good man, just one who lost his way for a little bit. I believe in this person more than I believe in anybody else, (other than myself).  He is a good man.