Built in Self Protection

Of course, the often disputed question of whether God can – and will, under certain conditions – remove defects of character will be answered with a prompt affirmative by almost any AA member. To her, this proposition will be no theory at all; it will be just about the largest fact in her life. (Twelve & Twelve, Step 6)

I have struggled throughout my life wanting to be perfect. Maybe we're all like that, but sometimes I get the sense I struggle with the illness more than others. 

I always wanted to be the smartest person in the room. I have two bachelors degrees and a masters. I had this subconscious ailment that told me I had to be smart to be loved. I realized about a year into my sobriety journey, that I was seeking outside love, rather than loving myself...and it was never enough. 

I was self-seeking, self-centered, glory-obsessed, approval-seeking, self-aggrandizing, people-pleasing, envious - - - (Not saying I'm not entirely those things now, but I'm getting better). If you didn't see me as perfect, I would lie, distort the truth, mislead, change my persona... all so I could be acceptable in someone else's eyes.

It was exhausting and dark.

Now that I'm on the other side of the downward spiral, things haven't fallen right into place like I thought they would. I still struggle in relationships. I want to bring my best self to everything I do, but of course, I'm human and mess up from time to time. When someone points out a flaw, justified or not, I want to argue and explain why I've done something the way I've done it. 

Bringing my concerns and the hurt I experience to the forefront is still hard. I still minimize my needs. I adjust myself to not inconvenience or potentially hurt the other person. 

I don't know how to cultivate healthy relationships where dialogue flows. I try so hard to express my feelings but back down the minute the person I'm telling offers a rebuttal. 

I'm on this proverbial teeter-totter a lot: "do I express my discontent? "Do I just try to expect the best from people?" "Do I let things slide?" "I'm being taken advantage of if I do?" "What do I do?" 

It's no wonder I drank - the alcohol took it all away, pushed it down deep within. It would then allow me to unload on people when I couldn't hold it in anymore.

The first piece of wisdom I heard tonight: "We all have built-in self-protection." We don't like to be hurt and in our unhealthy states we rely on our shortcomings (character defects). When I feel hurt, I immediately try my best to adjust myself and be perfect for you (people pleasing). I start to forget who I am (dishonest toward myself) and become restless, irritable, and discontent. 

And then I shut down.

The second piece of wisdom I heard tonight: Being upset with each other and arguing, isn't a big deal - it's not about getting it right, it's about not being ruined when I don't get it right. It's about not taking ourselves so seriously. If we step back we begin to see that we're just tweaking things in our lives. 

Life is a series of little tweaks along the way. So long as we can show up for each other, hear each other, and try to do our best. In those difficult moments, when we confront the moments of tweaking with hearts open and grace (even when we don't like what we're hearing) we can push past the darker parts of ourselves (character defects) and grow.