Spiritual Manipulation: 30,000 feet

There has been much written about spiritual manipulation within spiritual institutions. Unfortunately, there isn't much written about it in interpersonal relations.

First and foremost, there are many, many, many types of manipulation tactics people resort to in all kinds of relationships; work, friendship, romantic, parental, family, etc.

I'm not a psychologist; I don't pretend to be a psychologist, but I'm pretty certain manipulation is a pscyhological coping skill. More specifically it is an ego-driven coping skill; meaning it works to satisfy the needs and wants, primarily the wants, of the ego.

You can't be a person without an ego. The ego is important to help us seek out our most basic survival needs: food, water, air, shelter, and now, sleep is considered a basic need. When we do not receive these basic needs, our egos will stop at nothing to seek them out, and if needed, turns to manipulation tactics. For example, a baby does not have words to satisfy the basic instinct of hunger, so the ego uses crying to satisfy the need. It takes the instinct and finds a real world solution to satisfy it. This is a manipulation tactic aimed at the caregiver to act and provide. Therefore manipulation in and of itself is NOT a bad thing.

So, when does manipulation "turn bad?" My opinion is that it does so when the ego mistakes wants for needs. The mind perceives something it wants, but doesn't necessarily need. The ego says, "I want that, I'm going to get it, and I'm going to use whatever tactic I can to do so."

Honestly, I do not think those who use manipulation to get what they want do it on purpose. My hope, and currently my belief, is that manipulation is simply a gross adaptation of coping skills used by the unaware person to get what they want. If they aren't, then I have some serious questions about the state of humanity. 

Some tactics used to get what one wants are: Love bombing, gaslighting, projection, withholding, lying, blaming, changing subjects... a simple google search will bring up more if you want.

All of these tactics can be used to spiritually manipulate in the context of relationships as well.

Here are a few ways I believe we spiritually manipulate in relationships (I'm using we because I think we all do these things from time to time - I know I have):

• The manipulator draws another person, who they don't know all that well, into a deep spiritual connection. The manipulator is likely struggling with spiritual harm and trying to cope. When we have a deep spiritual lack and see that another has it, we want it too, so we "fake it" (or maybe a better way to say this is that we convince ourselves that we are spiritually mature) and create a connection with the one we believe has a stronger spirituality. 

• We will prop up our small bit of spiritual knowledge and seek another person out to justify our beliefs. The manipulatior's spirituality is solely knowledge-based. There is nothing wrong with this; spiritual seeking is wonderful and commendable. However, the manipulator will present with a high level of knowledge, and does not present that knowledge as seeking. If one looks closely it becomes apparent that the manipulator's spirituality is surface level. 

• As manipulators we relentlessly compliment the other person's idea of spirituality and religiosity; kind of like love-bombing. This likely makes the manipulator feel more secure in their rationale for leaving a particular spiritual institution - especially one that has harmed them, primarlily as a child. 

• They speak to the one being manipulated with words like, "you're the only one I can be totally honest with." The coping skill here is needing to be heard and/or seen. The manipulator needs to know they were wronged and needs to be pitied. 

• We pretend, subconsciously, to depend on the one being manipulated. Basically we attach ourselves fully to the one we are manipulating. This comes from the need to be comforted. 

• We use our newfound spirituality to convince you that you are in the wrong when it comes to difficulties in the relationship. We will say things like, "God has laid it on my heart...," "I've prayed on this, and I think you need to..." "you need to talk to your pastor/spiritual guide," "you need to pray on that." This is a form of blaming, or absolving oneself of the role we may have played. 

• When we feel secure in the relationship we will make statements that we believe, or want to believe, both parties agree on particular spiritual matters. If the person we are manipulating doesn't agree with us, we use other facets of spirituality to change the subject. As manipulators we tend to think we know better and the other person's thoughts are irrelevant to us at this point. Naturally the manipulated person has served their purpose, so we move on, no longer needing to discuss spiritual matters. 

This last one is the coup d'etat: gaslighting. This, I believe happens when the manipulator has received what they have needed, at least temporarily. We got we needed, what we wanted, and now we can use this person however we want because in our minds' eye we are spiritually mature. 

We like to throw around the term gaslight alot. I do not believe most people gaslight on purpose, especially in spiritual matters. I believe spirituality, or a connection to the soul of the universe, is a basic need. However, it is one we can't really define how it manifests because there is no way to actually define it. The ego tries to create reality, and spirituality is not tangible, so the ego has to resort to finding it in others and adapting it to make sense to the seeker.

The danger is that if we are not self-aware, we can end up using people to get it.  And when we do that, it is harmful, not just hurtful, harmful. 

Our spiritual selves are connected to the divine, however we may define that, and to have someone come in and prey on it can bring the manipulated person to the precipice of despair. 

I love Paulo Coehlo's quote, but when it comes to the intangiblity of the spiritual it's hard to know exactly when someone is manipulating you. You may not even know you are manipulating. So, how do we protect ourselves, or how do we stop ourselves from manipulating??? 

I have NO idea, but I'm gonna pray on it and get back to you with my thoughts. 

Fierce Love Wins

On Wednesday I celebrated with my Valentine, my daughter, at the Kansas City Chiefs rally. 

Today, every meeting or conversaton I had led to the tragic events that transpired after the rally. My daughter and I went with one of my longtime friends, The Westy, and his kids. We had parked on the westside of the highway at a local church. After the celebration, we walked west on Pershing and turned left onto West Pennway. All of a sudden, my phone started blowing up with, "are you all okay?" 

At first I was confused because the rally had JUST ended, how could they expect us to be home already? 

According to KCPD shots were fired at 2:00 pm and Ashley (Westy's wife) texted at 2:03 pm. I saw the text when we turned the corner at West Pennway and responded right away. My cell phone recorded it 7 minutes later at 2:10 pm. What that means is that we were likely near the shooting when it happened, but we didn't hear anything. We made note of all the ambulances coming into the area at the time, but brushed it off, thinking it was for all the people who may have consumed too many adult beverages. 

However, that was not the case - in that 7 minute time frame, a life was coming to an end and 22 people had been either hit by the gunfire or harmed because of the mass rush exiting the area. 

When we were in the car a short time later, Ashley called to let us know what had happened. I don't know about Westy, but the severity, even though I was reading the news as it came in, did not phase me. In fact, it did not phase me until my 7 am meeting when the entire discussion focused on it. 48 hours later and I'm still not in the same headspace as a large majority of people. I'm saddened and outraged for sure, but something happened to me that has made me think about the events differently. 

Of course, all the news and media outlets are focusing on gun control, pointing fingers, inciting outrage. I believe there should be more regulation on firearms, absolutely. No question whatsoever, but I want us to focus on the good too. 

All I can think about is how happy I was that day. The energy that day vastly overwhelmed the violence that ensued. If you've known me for some time, you know that I have thrived on being a sportsball "hater." I would make fun of the excitement surrounding these things, thinking myself better than all these "fans." This past year I have been doing things outside my comfort zone; doing things that other people love. What I've found is that it is invigorating to be a part of a group that thrives on positivity. 

It's that positivity, that surge of loving energy that overwhelms the negative. Of course, that doesn't mean we don't lament the loss and the ensuing grief. What it means is that we let love infuse our lives, not fear. 

Had this parade happened two years ago I would have been outraged (when it happened in 2020 I was outraged) and complained about how it took me away from work. Work? Com'on! Work will always be there. Five months ago I would have found a way to leave my daughter with someone so I could make time to be with a "love interest" at the festivities. But instead my only thought was on spending time with my daughter. My time with her is fleeting. 

My thoughts meander to my daughter's smiling face as she jumped and danced while having a blast with her friends. Even though her persistent hanging on me was annoying, I wouldn't give it up for a moment. I cherish the pervasive images of holding her in my arms as she squeezed her arms around my neck while barraging my cheeks with adoring kisses.  

I reflected yesterday during my 7 am meeting when it came to me and said, you know, if I were the one who would have lost my life yesterday, I would be okay with it because I got to spend those last moments completely in love with my child. There would be no better parting gift as I was welcomed home into the arms of my Savior. Thinking on those moments during those 4 hours of standing around is the memory I will hold onto most fiercely. I will not let fear overshadow the abundant love poured out by us and all those around us. 

If it wasn't for my noon group and the decisions I made a little over a year ago, choosing this fierce love would have never happened. 

There is so much room!

How does this parable, (see below) relate to Step 2? How does this parable relate to "presence" and the "incarnational worldview" as Fr. Richard explains it?

I combined these two because they seem to feed into each other.

Have you ever noticed when you organize a get together you have to invite twice as many people as want because you know half of them will cancel last minute? The reasons for canceling vary, but I think a lot of the motivation for cancelling has to do with an obssesion, or really an addiction to needing others to think we are amazing for having such full lives. I know that's an overgeneralization, but my hearts says there is some validity to it. There's this sense that to be successful, seen, worthy, what have you, you need to fill your plate with so many things that eventually you can't really be present at any of them. When you're not present, you cannot fully enjoy the feast that the host has set.

When you cannot enjoy the bounty of hospitality, of good food, of relationship building, you become addicted to external things that in the long run don't build up. You create a facade of who God created you to be. And becuase you are empty inside, you keep adding more and more to your life so when you look on paper, it looks good. That's insanity.

But we are not paper, we are spiritual and earthy creature (mind, heart and body) made in God's image, meant to partake in the goodness God freely gives. Instead, we take so much of it for granted; we pick and choose the things we believe will make us good, or will detract from the brokenness we may carry.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity... that's coming to believe that God really does have our best interest at heart and all we have to do is lean in and say yes. We bring all of our being to the table and participate. When we do that fully, the vestages of insanity slough off and sanity, or wholeness, take its place. 

But here's the lovely thing: when we come more fully to the table, when we are completely present we recognize that there is still more room. Room for growth in our lives, room for growth of our love for God, room for growth in our love of each other. There is just so MUCH ROOM! 

Luke14:15-24

When one of those who were reclining at the table with Him heard this, he said to Him, "Blessed is everyone who will eat bread in the kingdom of God!”

But Jesus said to him, "A man was giving a big dinner, and he invited many; and at the dinner hour he sent his slave to say to those who had been invited, 'Come; for everything is ready now.' But they all alike began to make excuses. The first one said to him, 'I have bought a piece of land and I need to go out and look at it; please consider me excused.' Another one said, 'I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I am going to try them out; please consider me excused.' Another one said, 'I have married a wife, and for that reason I cannot come.' And the slave came back and reported this to his master. Then the head of the household became angry and said to his slave, 'Go out at once into the streets and lanes of the city and bring in here the poor and crippled and blind and lame.' And the slave said, 'Master, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.' And the master said to the slave, 'Go out into the highways and along the hedges, and compel them to come in, so that my house may be filled. For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste of my dinner.'”

Unlearning the bondage of the "I"

The wisdom teachers of all traditions say mature spirituality is about letting go and unlearning. How have you experienced the transformational power of letting go and unlearning? How does Fr. Richard speak to that?

This question for me pertains to how I unlearn things, aka, how my ego unlearns. Sometimes I pause when people talk about their egos. "That strokes my ego." "That's boosts my ego." "My ego is so self-centered." "My ego is getting the best of me."

Okay, so if your ego dominates so much, why don't you let it go rather than drawing so much attention to it? Why don't you focus on something other than yourself? Perhaps most don't know that ego means "I," like literally, "I" as in me, my person, the most important entity on the planet. It's "I" because we can only see the world through our particular lens. To detach from the "I" means we have to recognize that the "I" is only one part of the sum of the whole. 

We cannot fully rid ourselves of the "I" or the ego. The art of letting go is seeing how the "I" affects the whole. So when it comes to detaching, we have to look at how much control "I" actually have. And really? "I" don't have much control over anything. But "I" to think "I" do. "I" think my words can control you, make you change your mind. The only way "I" can change another person is if that other person is willing to let go of whatever their beliefs are. And if that person changes their mind, then my "I" feels empowered and dives deeper into what it is "I" think "I" can control. You acquiesing boosts my "I."

We're in this constant state of push and pull. My ego wants what my ego wants, and your ego wants what your ego wants. Can we ever get to this place of complete detachment where we live with an intermingling of the egos. I think (again the "I") we can. That place of intermingling might be the place called peace. 

To get to that place of peace requires "dying to oneself." And how difficult is that when the "I" knows what the "I" wants. 

That's probably why addiction is so prevalent, and not just drugs and alcohol, but to people, institutions, it could be anything. We live in this society that ever increasingly perpetuates the satisfying of the "I." When we can't satisfy the "I," the only logical next step is to try to satisfy it by either the same means or something else. It then turns into a constant loop until we because powerless, controlled by something outside ourselves. 

I love the article about Meister Eckhart. He says that get to this place of peace you have to, "Start with yourself therefore and take leave of yourself." Talk about a tall order! How in the world do you do that? Through surrendering to something much greater than, and thus, outside ourselves. It means surrendering to that entity that connects us all together. Surrendering to the entity that creates our souls. That entity in which we find our being: God, the ultimate source of love and compassion. 

The third step prayer of AA is crucial in the surrendering to God. I'm getting ahead of myself, but recognizing our powerlessness is 100% the first step to surrending the "I." Unlearning behaviors then is a persistent surrendering of ourselves to the divine. The one way I know how to do that is through prayer and meditation - and I am not that disciplined. 

Who have you turned to for guidance on letting go and unlearning? What have they had to teach you?

I've been a part of the Christian community for so long that it pains me to say that I have learned to turn to my 12-step group and sponsor for this guidance. We talk a good talk in the church, but I think we struggle with actually connecting with God.

For the past five months I have been in a loop of despair. I have gotten on my knees, sat in intentional prayer at the foot of the cross, sat with Buddhists in meditation. I have pleaded with God to untether me from my depression and the obession over things I cannot control. There are times when I am at peace, when I give it all to God, but my persistent ego loves to come back with a vengence and I forget about God and devolve into a crumpled mess and shell of a human. My sponsor has had good advice, telling me that there must still something God is trying to teach me, something deeper I haven't navigated through. My friend, the lovely magician LG tells me I'm navigating spiritual growth and this is part of the magic of spiritual awakenings. 

I trust that's the case and I just keep turning it over to God, trying to let go of the perception that I need anything external, outside of God, to satiate the discomfort. I cannot believe for a moment that all of life is about suffering - and so therefore I come back over and over to God in those moments when I just don't know what to do. 

Spiritual Manipulation: Disclaimer

I have been working on this post for about a week. Based on the clicks it has received without anything published, I'd say it is something people are interested in reading about. 

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist and my training and education is limited to college  courses, pastoral care in seminary, leading a spiritual institution, and my personal experiences. I have worked with therapists for much of my adult life, but I am no expert; instead I am a spiritual explorer. Furthermore, this week I am beginning my certification as a Spiritual Director. 

What is a Spiritual Director? First and foremost, spiritual direction is about holding space to intentionally listen for the Holy. It is meant to deepen our connection and awareness of God's presence. We all have the ability to make conscious contact with God. My role as a Spiritual Director will be to journey as a companion; to listen with, rather than listen for, and help others gain clarity as to one's next spiritual steps. 

I have spent the last few months grounding myself in my own spiritual practices. I often refer to God as the ground of all being, a concept theologian Paul Tillich developed. I believe all that is has its' grounding in God because all that exists is because God exists. We are therefore, spiritually and physically connected to God. God is not just an ethereal being pulling strings; God exists in the physical world. All that we say, think and do takes place in the physicality of God. God was, God is, God will be. God is here, God is present. 

So as you read my thoughts about spiritual manipulation, remember these are the things I believe God has revealed to me. You can agree or disagree with me. I am always open to hearing your thoughts on matters I write about. You can tell me I am wrong and I will respect your perspective and take them into consideration.  

I will likely have my first post next Monday as I generally do most of my writing about my discoveries on Sundays. 

Peace until then.

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