Lent Day 6: Mindfulness

This should be a doozy! I'm a day off, I read and meditated today... but will write in the morning, and then will meditate of tomorrow's. I will be up to date by Tuesday 5pm... PROMISE!

First Sunday in Lent: Interpretation

I've decided to forgo today the usual Lenten Scriptures that I am supposed to read and just relate what Patrick sermonized about today. Today we read the story of when Jesus went out into the wilderness and was tempted by the Devil. This is the story that leads us into the Lenten season. I'm going to post the entirety here:  Mark 4: 1-11

^1-3 Next Jesus was taken into the wild by the Spirit for the Test. The Devil was ready to give it. Jesus prepared for the Test by fasting forty days and forty nights. That left him, of course, in a state of extreme hunger, which the Devil took advantage of in the first test: "Since you are God's Son, speak the word that will turn these stones into loaves of bread."

 ⁴Jesus answered by quoting Deuteronomy: "It takes more than bread to stay alive. It takes a steady stream of words from God's mouth."

 ^5-6For the second test the Devil took him to the Holy City. He sat him on top of the Temple and said, "Since you are God's Son, jump." The Devil goaded him by quoting Psalm 91: "He has placed you in the care of angels. They will catch you so that you won't so much as stub your toe on a stone."

 ⁷Jesus countered with another citation from Deuteronomy: "Don't you dare test the Lord your God."

 ^8-9For the third test, the Devil took him to the peak of a huge mountain. He gestured expansively, pointing out all the earth's kingdoms, how glorious they all were. Then he said, "They're yours—lock, stock, and barrel. Just go down on your knees and worship me, and they're yours."

 ¹⁰Jesus' refusal was curt: "Beat it, Satan!" He backed his rebuke with a third quotation from Deuteronomy: "Worship the Lord your God, and only him. Serve him with absolute single-heartedness."

 ¹¹The Test was over. The Devil left. And in his place, angels! Angels came and took care of Jesus' needs. 

I love how the Devil uses scripture in order to try to skew God's word. And I love how Jesus spits right back at him with other scripture. 

I love how in the Bible itself, there are different interpretations of what scripture means. It makes sense why people are so wary of the Bible and how it is used against one another in hate. You can take so much out of the Bible and use it outcast people, to hurt, to destroy. What we often forget is that we need to continue reading, put those words into "context." And as Christians, we must always remember that we interpret the words of the Bible through Jesus' teachings. 

Recently I received an e-mail forward about what Christians believe and the one thing that struck me was that "we believe in antiquated morals that were established during the Iron Age." I don't think the person that wrote that statement has ever read the New Testament or for that matter ever heard the words of Martin Luther King Jr. I'm going to give an example with a very known verse

But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also;  ~Matthew 5:39 First interpretation, be passive, let the evil doer take advantage of you. Now, think about the time when this was probably written. The right had was not to be used for anything but washing before prayers, it was your "sacred hand." So, if you are to hit somebody with your left hand on the right cheek, you are back handing them, making them inferior to you. By turning the other cheek so that you may hit with your left hand, the one being hit makes himself equal to you. It's not passive at all, it is what during the Civil Rights Movement was called "Passive Resistance." If not standing in your enemy's face allowing him to hit you as an equal isn't relevant, then I don't know what is. 

I suggest to people who come up with comments such as "believers in God as believing and practicing antiquated ways," do a bit more research.

Okay, so that was the sermon a few weeks ago. The point of all this is in order to understand scripture, we must read it. Even when we doubt the word of God, we can still turn to it and try to find the deeper meaning. So many people now call themselves spiritual, but not religious. What exactly is that supposed to mean really? I get it, I feel the spirit during moments when I'm not reading the Bible. In fact, I have never read the Bible cover to cover.  However, I do know that when I read scripture, I read entire chapters, not just certain verses to make me feel good or to help me prove a point. I go to the Bible when I'm questioning, when I'm in need of assurance. I am able to read the word of God, but I'm not completely stuck in it. 

Patrick preached today that in the Weslyan tradition, of which United Methodists are a part of, are encouraged to use their minds to illuminate the words of the Bible. He used the term "post-critical naivite" to suggest that it is okay to go to the Bible with doubts and questions, but keeping the mind open to what is said.  The words found in the Bible are supposed to bring healing, but unfortunately it has been used too often to cause harm. 

From what I understand after today's sermon is that the Bible is like a window. It is a window into the word of God. How each of us interprets it is our own doing, but as a Christian it is my duty to go to the Bible for assurance and healing, not to determine whether gays and lesbians loved or not by God. Or whether those of other religious traditions have a place in heaven. 

There is nothing that keeps us from God's love, that is the truth, that is the beauty that can be found in the New Testament, in the teachings of Jesus.

Lent Day 4: Suffering

"We also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance." ~Romans 5:3

Jesus answered, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I have come to call not the righteous, but sinners to repentance." ~Luke 5:31-32

Let's see how this goes today as I have been immensely ill (again) with a sinus infection. I hope it clears up soon. Ha, now that I look at my scripture today, I can totally relate!

I went to the doctor today (okay, yesterday, but I was really too ill to write) because I figured it was about time I kicked whatever sinus problem I have that has crept up on me twice in the past month. I now have antibiotics and hope to be on the mend very soon. Yesterday, I wrote down that I will be healthy for a minimum of one year. That is a tall order to fulfill, but with a little faith and positive attitude, I think I can be very healthy for at least that amount of time. Being healthy I guess is a way of boasting that I have suffered illness. Boasting as a result of suffering? Interesting.

It is so very hard to be a Christian, especially when so many of my dearest friends are not. Following the path that Christ has paved for us is difficult. It is very easy to stray off the path onto a variety of paths. Our daily lives are stimulated in the fact that we have so many choices, some that seem real gooood, and some that seem too good to be true. It is SO easy to take that too good to be true path and then end up falling flat on your face when you trip over the hidden stones on the path. Walking the way of Jesus is not always clear, but sometimes we have to suffer and trip along the way to finally get it. Jesus is with us when we fall, and when we put our trust in Him, He picks us up. He builds our endurance. One of my favorite scriptures is Mark 11:24, "whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received* it, and it will be yours." Yeah, you're probably telling yourself, damn this girl is so naive. Not even! I believe the Lord delivers what you need when you need it. I don't think He delivers the bad things that we have tricked ourselves into believing we need. For example, as awful as my break-up with Mr. G was 6 years ago and how badly I thought I needed him, the Lord thought otherwise. I think a greater power than myself (aka God) knew I couldn't be with him. He was making my life right for better things. I asked in prayer for Graham back, but I have received something better in return, a continuing fulfilling life with real love.

It is so easy to be tempted by what we as mere humans think is right. Our sensory perceptions can deceive us into believing that something is good for us, when really it isn't.
"Blessed is anyone who endures temptation. Such a one has stood the test and will receive the crown of life that the Lord* has promised to those who love him. No one, when tempted, should say, ‘I am being tempted by God’; for God cannot be tempted by evil and he himself tempts no one. But one is tempted by one’s own desire, being lured and enticed by it; then, when that desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and that sin, when it is fully grown, gives birth to death."
~James 1: 12-15

It is hard to resist temptation. Trusting that God will bring us through is the only way to live fully. Following in the path of Jesus may not be easy, but He is there when we turn to him for help. He will be there when our suffering is too much for us to bear alone.

When we are ill, we turn to the physician to heal our bodies. When our spirits are broken, we turn to Jesus. He died for our sins, He gives us a fresh start when we seek it. He alone has the power to heal our souls.

Lent Day 3: Cleanse

"The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." ~Psalm 51: 17


"The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being." 
~Hebrews 1: 3


"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it." 

~John 1: 1-5

Lots of scripture today because I really had to look deep to gain meaning from Psalm 51: 17. Brokenness and contriteness? I guess I didn't quite understand why God would want me to have a broken spirit or a contrite heart.  After much meditation and researching, I think I get it.

God wants us to come to him with offerings of confession and true sorrow for our sins. Psalm 51 relates David's suffering and repentance for having an affair with Bathsheba which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy, and then the eventual murder of her husband Uriah the Hittite, to cover up his sin. The Lord didn't want a sacrificial offering other than the true repentance of his wrong doing. David needed to gain forgiveness through the brokenness of his spirit. 

How often do we cover up the sins we commit against others? Um... I'd say 90% of the time. When I'm wrong, I don't want to fess up! I'm gonna take a long shot and say that not many people do. But when we don't acknowledge our wrong, we sin against God. Here's the thing though, God knows our sin even when we are reluctant to accept them ourselves. In my first reflection this Lenten Season, I recognized that, "yeah, sometimes I think I haven't sinned." That right there is the sin. God knows the intricacies of my mind, He knows what I've done, even when I fail to acknowledge them.

I come to God today to be cleansed, to recognize the wrongs that I have committed. I'm not saying that I've done awful things or that I deserve to be punished, but I come to God asking Him to make me more aware. I may not have a completely broken spirit, but I ask for forgiveness for not recognizing and for not acknowledging the times when I do sin. 

God sent Jesus into the world as His true reflection, His representative on earth. Jesus is one with God.  If I didn't believe that God knows me personally, I probably wouldn't think much about my sin. I would think that I could slip through the cracks. But that would be futile. I need to remember that when I am out in the world that I am also a representation of God. When I do something bad, like talk bad about my mother, I'm not doing right by God because He has created her just as He has created me, in his image and likeness. He loves both of us immensely. We were both created from His Word and His Word is in the World which means that we are also Him. We are His representations. It's the simple things really that can make us not representative of God's love. Love your enemy as you would love your neighbor. When you love your enemy, you stand against him in Love and you create justice in the world. And isn't that why God sent Jesus to be among us, to be able to recognize that we are all equal in the eyes of God. When we turn our hearts from Him, we must come back with true sorrow and repentance to cleanse our hearts. God doesn't need us to sacrifice goats, He needs us to recognize our sin and to ask with true contriteness for forgiveness.

AMEN SISTERS AND BROTHERS! 

Lent Day 2: Release

"Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God." ~Isaiah 41: 10
Then he said to them all, ‘If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it." ~Luke 9:23-24

A year ago I fought my depression. I fought my dilapidated self-worth, I fought to stay alive and try to move on from what I believed to be the most spiritual connection I had ever had with another person. I did move on, but grudgingly. I didn't want to let go of this intensity I had made with this person who was so unavailable to me. I couldn't, or more truthfully, wouldn't let go. I kept looking back, believing deep inside that he would eventually see the goodness in me again. I knew he come to me. He had to be with me. He had chosen me at one point; he had to come back!

The more I looked back, the more I lost touch with myself. I lost my sense of spirituality, my pride in my intelligence and my confidence.  I told myself, he'll see how amazing I am. Ultimately, I lost more of myself believing that my self-worth was measured by somebody else's perception of me. My trust in God completely waned, I delved into the reliance on other humans to make me happy.

Finally, I forced myself to let go of this past joy that had filled my life for a short time. The memory of happiness was drowning me. I couldn't move forward without shaking the experience off. However, we don't completely forget our past experiences. We learn from them and we move forward. I wasn't learning; I was hanging on to a myth of happiness to keep me afloat. I had to let go of the feeling that it was somebody else who would bring me back to real happiness. I had to put my trust elsewhere.

One of the hardest things I encounter in my life and in my relationships is transposing past relationships on new ones. I guess I look at it as a way to protect myself. Often that mentality destroys new relationships that have the potential of being healthy and lasting. So, instead I plan on taking all that was good, all that helped me grow into the confident person that I am, into all newness. All I have to do is put my trust in God that He has made me ready to take on another person. Before, I didn't trust and I lost.

By releasing the past, I gain the future. By trusting in God, I gain the ability to love fully. By looking back, I lose ground. My intention is to gain ground by only looking forward.

Peace to all.

When God Breathes

Who would have known 3 years ago when I started this blog that it would end up being about my journey through Christianity. It all started as me making sense of life and I guess in a way, I have been making sense of it through God, through Jesus.  Who knew, that I would turn my heart to God after years of not believing that there could be any power greater than myself.

Looking back, I see that my life was beyond empty. Nothing made sense, I had no direction and no motivation in my life. When I came back to God, I felt as though I was beginning to fill up with something. Like a glass of water, I was half empty... Turning to God has made my life a more than half full. I have let God breathe life anew into me.

Tonight, Stephanie held smoldering ashes in a dish and said to me (and everyone else involved) as she placed the ashes on my forehead "your life belongs to God." What a statement and what a truth! My life is in God's hands and trusting in Him has made my life a little sweeter.

In the Exodus, the Israelites escaped Egypt guided by a pillar of smoke. As I came to burn my burdens and repent before God, I felt how God never gave up on the Israelites. He led them for 40 years through the desert and delivered them into the land of milk and honey. Translate that literately, figuratively, or however you want... but the truth is: God never gives up on us. He continues to give us breath as he leads us through the deserts of our lives.

This past Sunday was transfiguration Sunday. It is when Peter and two other apostles experienced the transformation of Jesus, where the Holiness of his Spirit became visible on the outside. Peter's discipleship, his calling in life began on that mountain. God silenced Peter's babbling and in those moments of stillness, Peter knew his life's purpose. He let the word of God breathe life into him. It was not only Jesus who was transfigured, it was Peter's transfiguration as well. It was Peter who devoted his life to spreading the word of Jesus after His death. We are all called to God's word and in different ways.

There are many times when I feel the spirit, and tonight was another one of those times. In fact I felt it all day. When I saw Stephanie preparing the sanctuary this morning, I made sure not to bother her. I could feel the spirit preparing her mind and her heart to deliver this time of remembrance and anticipation. 

This morning when I did my devotional I wrote that my sin is not trusting in God and the love He has for me. This evening, a few small words followed by my silent heart and mind, I was able to relent that my life indeed belongs to God.  Wherever I end up on this journey through life, I know that God will deliver me exactly where He has intended. He has breathed life into my soul, and he fills up my glass!

Peace be upon you....

Lent Day 1: Repentance

Lent starts today and this evening at church we will be having our service of Ashes. Everyday I plan on writing a little bit about my journey towards Easter Sunday and the celebration of our resurrected Lord. First a little background.

                     

Ash Wednesday is typically a day of fasting. Fasting can mean so many different things and in our Western traditions, where we like to celebrate by eating, fasting can seem like a drag.  During Lent many people will give up something that tempts them. I've always regarded this as a way to honor the 40 days that Christ spent in the wilderness being tempted by "Satan." 


Two major components come into play during Ash Wednesday. First the placement of the ashes on the forehead in the shape of a cross. The Ashes symbolize what is said in Genesis 3:19 "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground,since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” These words remind us of our humanity and our mortality. Second, Lent is seen as a time of repentance & humility. By fasting we show our humility towards God and we repent our sins. 


Here though lies the contradiction. So many times, we as Christians will give up something to show off our fasting and honoring of Jesus' fasting. But Jesus warns against this, He warns us not to be boastful or show off to impress others. Often we take great pride that, "hey, I gave up eating candy for Lent." As humans we want others to be in awe of our sacrifice. But ultimately, it is not about our sacrifice, it is about Jesus' ultimate sacrifice so that we would be assured of our placement in heaven. 


During this season of Lent I will be following a C.S. Lewis Devotional. C.S. Lewis was a great Christian apologetic and his studies and writings are straightforward. This first day of Lent he reminds me that sometimes we think we have nothing to repent. Often times during our time of Confession, I think to myself, "I have done nothing wrong this week." That's bullshit really, and just by saying that, is assurance that I have sinned. Just because I don't wrong someone doesn't mean that I am sinless. I sin against even myself by thinking of my unworthiness or looking into a comment that I expect is meant to harm me. Not loving myself well enough is a sin against God, who loves me regardless of what I think about myself. All I can do is be assured by his steadfast love and the assurance that He made me to be perfect in his eyes. My neglect to see myself as His creation is my sin. To not trust in God is my sin. Therefore, today as I begin the season of Lent, I repent that I have not trusted Him. I pray that I can see myself in the Light He has conceived me. I pray that I can trust that He has created a life for me that is redeeming. Because even when I don't trust, the truth is there, He has created a redeeming life for all of us. 


I will not speak of my fast on this blog or of what I intend to do. I will instead focus on the days leading up to Christ's sacrifice and how I can learn from the gospels and His teachings. 


Peace to all...

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

How many times do we look in the mirror every morning and disdain what we see in the reflection? For me, I'd say about 60% of the time. When I was going through a depressive moment in my life, I would look at myself and tell myself how ugly I was, or how fat I was. After a while, I believed what I was telling myself, so I decided to try a different approach; tell myself how pretty I am, and how awesome I look!  It didn't quite work because the negativity I had fed myself had severely affected me to the point where I had absolutely no self-esteem.


Today I read the most beautiful poem:
Psalm 139: 13-16
¹³ For it was you who formed my inward parts;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
   Wonderful are your works;
that I know very well. 
¹⁵   My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 
¹⁶ Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
   all the days that were formed for me,
   when none of them as yet existed. 


I may not see what God sees in me everyday when I look in the mirror, or more importantly when I curse the horrific-ness of an under-wire bra, but I am worthy of being kind to myself and accepting what He sees as beautiful. It doesn't matter if my hair is oily today because the shower is in the process of being fixed right now. God sees me, He sees what's most important. Plus he knows that tomorrow I can wash my hair again! These days I value myself and much of the time I do that because I have put confidence in the fact that it doesn't matter whether others think I'm "hot or not." I am beautiful to God otherwise He wouldn't have put me on this earth, He never would have made possible my conception.