Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sheep & Goats
Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. When I think of this National Holiday, when school is not in session, I start to wonder what we are doing as a nation to recognize the late "American Prophet." I think Hy-Vee had a one-day sale and I saw a commercial about some kind of liquidation sale for another store. I had the day off, but realized it after I had been in the office for two hours. Whoops!
I don't understand this mentality. First of all, I think school should be in session and Martin Luther King remembered. Every day Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, Hungarian, what have you, students sit together in class and learn their lessons. Why not take one day out of the year to have these students really look at each other and really see what is there, let them see that at one point in our American History, they would not have been sitting together in the same classroom, the same building. Many of them would not have the opportunity to know each other or understand cultural differences.
Today, my devotional was Matthew 25:31-46. Here the Lord separates the righteous from the wicked, those who have reached out to those in need and to those who have not. One group goes to Heaven, the other group goes to HAIDES!!!!!
I look at Martin Luther King day and I see that we as a nation are not commemorating him or being of service to God really in an appropriate manner. Where is the recognition that the oppressed were able to be redeemed through their faith in each other, in God, and for some reason, humanity? We are no longer helping each other or lifting each other up in times of need. We have become complacent. I think Martin Luther King day should be a day of real remembrance, a day when we are in service to one another. Just taking one day out of the year could un-mask the ugliness that still exists in the world. When we are working together, we are working towards a goal of peace. Let us remember that.
I don't understand this mentality. First of all, I think school should be in session and Martin Luther King remembered. Every day Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, Hungarian, what have you, students sit together in class and learn their lessons. Why not take one day out of the year to have these students really look at each other and really see what is there, let them see that at one point in our American History, they would not have been sitting together in the same classroom, the same building. Many of them would not have the opportunity to know each other or understand cultural differences.
Today, my devotional was Matthew 25:31-46. Here the Lord separates the righteous from the wicked, those who have reached out to those in need and to those who have not. One group goes to Heaven, the other group goes to HAIDES!!!!!
I look at Martin Luther King day and I see that we as a nation are not commemorating him or being of service to God really in an appropriate manner. Where is the recognition that the oppressed were able to be redeemed through their faith in each other, in God, and for some reason, humanity? We are no longer helping each other or lifting each other up in times of need. We have become complacent. I think Martin Luther King day should be a day of real remembrance, a day when we are in service to one another. Just taking one day out of the year could un-mask the ugliness that still exists in the world. When we are working together, we are working towards a goal of peace. Let us remember that.
Monday, January 17, 2011
A Camel Through a Needle's Eye???
On Christmas eve, I sat with a friend of mine drinking tasty frosty ales (Miller Lite) when I tried to explain the Eye of the Camel. I had just studied it in my parables class and I was finding myself dumbfounded. I had to leave it for another time. The past three weeks, I have been in quite the whirlwind and I have not picked up my Upper Room since January 2nd, and I didn't really pay it much notice at that! My mind has been elsewhere. For those of you that don't know, "The Upper Room" is a publication put out every two months and is full of daily devotionals, scripture readings and insights. Being the way that I am, I am never satisfied to just read what it tells me, I have to do some studying!
So, today I finally picked up my Upper Room, turned to today's date and low and behold! The Eye of the Camel story! Luke 18: 18-30
Simple, a rich man comes to Jesus asks what he has to do to get into heaven. Jesus says, follow the Commandments. The man says he does all those things. Jesus then says, sell all your possessions, and follow me. The man leaves and Jesus says it, “How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! 25Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
A simple reading of that would suggest that you have to be poor to really be a follower of Jesus. There are many ways in which we can be followers of Jesus, but I think the point is that we are too attached to our earthly possessions. I'm sure Jesus wants us to live comfortably, running water, heated homes in the winter, cooled in the summer. Our God given talents to make these things possible should not be taken for granted, and used for the reasons they have been made. I think though that we put too much meaning and value into the "things" we own. For example, I almost feel my life would be at a loss if I didn't have my MacBook. I love this little computer. If I didn't have it, I'd be relegated to waiting in line at the library to use the computer for an hour. Not a bad thing, but I'm like that rich man... it is hard to part with our stuff. I guess though, if one day this computer dies, and it will like all other computers, I will have to suck it up and use whatever means I have to. I'm just hoping it doesn't mean going back to a PC! Agh! I want to not be so dependent on my stuff so I try, try really, really, really, really hard to live a very simple life and below my means.
Back to the story. It is difficult to give up things, so difficult that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. I love how Jesus uses such grandiose metaphors in his teachings. I mean seriously, what, a camel at that!, can make it through the eye of the needle? (I welcome comments from those wanting to talk about a gate called the eye of the needle... I can debate it, it's cool!)
So, today I finally picked up my Upper Room, turned to today's date and low and behold! The Eye of the Camel story! Luke 18: 18-30
Simple, a rich man comes to Jesus asks what he has to do to get into heaven. Jesus says, follow the Commandments. The man says he does all those things. Jesus then says, sell all your possessions, and follow me. The man leaves and Jesus says it, “How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! 25Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
A simple reading of that would suggest that you have to be poor to really be a follower of Jesus. There are many ways in which we can be followers of Jesus, but I think the point is that we are too attached to our earthly possessions. I'm sure Jesus wants us to live comfortably, running water, heated homes in the winter, cooled in the summer. Our God given talents to make these things possible should not be taken for granted, and used for the reasons they have been made. I think though that we put too much meaning and value into the "things" we own. For example, I almost feel my life would be at a loss if I didn't have my MacBook. I love this little computer. If I didn't have it, I'd be relegated to waiting in line at the library to use the computer for an hour. Not a bad thing, but I'm like that rich man... it is hard to part with our stuff. I guess though, if one day this computer dies, and it will like all other computers, I will have to suck it up and use whatever means I have to. I'm just hoping it doesn't mean going back to a PC! Agh! I want to not be so dependent on my stuff so I try, try really, really, really, really hard to live a very simple life and below my means.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Main Character
One of the very best things I have learned on my quest through life is that Coco takes center stage. I must look out for number one! I've got depression issues and sometimes I have to just take time to build myself up. After Joe's sermon yesterday, I realize though, that I'm not the one who gets myself through each day, it is God.
I have found myself before kneeling in the center of my room crying to God to save me. I have pounded my chest and sobbed into the carpet, yes SOBBED for God to make things the way I want them. When my episodes have passed and I am thoroughly happy again and past all my issues, I rarely give thanks to God for seeing me through. Joe made a great point yesterday, "who plays the main role in your life?" I love how Pastor Joe is honest in his sermons, he doesn't make himself out to be the stand-up guy that all Pastors and Ministers are "supposed" to be. He is flawed just like the rest of us. I love this about the church I attend; our Pastors are never afraid to make themselves vulnerable to the congregation. I guess in a way, that makes them more approachable and more human. So many times, religious leaders are held in contempt, and we often either hold them above the rest of society, or we are wary of them and un-trusting.
The sermons our Pastors give are not "preachy," instead they convey a message that, "hey, we're all human, trying to get it right in this world through God and his Son." Some days we get it right, other days we have a ways to go.
So what role does God play in my life? Well, I think it helps that I work at the church I attend, so He definitely plays a role on a daily basis. But when it comes to my personal life, God is generally a secondary character. Sometimes I find myself being too self-righteous and silently proud of the things that I do. And then there are other times when I am humbled and shamed by that same pride. There is always, "what else can I do? Don't judge others for what they are incapable of providing." I often have to find solace in just accepting that I do what I do because it is what I have been called to do. John the Baptist's role was to announce the Messiah to the world. When he did that his "life's purpose" was fulfilled. In the passage we read from John 1: 29-42 John declares, "‘Here is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! This is he of whom I said, “After me comes a man who ranks ahead of me because he was before me.” I myself did not know him; but I came baptizing with water for this reason, that he might be revealed to Israel.’"
We live in a world where books like "The Purpose Driven Life," encourage us to make bold decisions about the direction our lives should take. I think these books are great because there are so many people in this world who are lost and need help in finding their purpose. But some of us search and search, wondering, "is this all it is?" I'm not John the Baptist, I haven't always known what the purpose of my life is to be, nor do I really know right now. I do know that there are things that I do in this life that bring me great joy, and these come when I am in service to God, when I am connecting and helping others. I'll be honest, there are times when the burdensomeness of my daily life has me questioning, "should I be out making a ton of money, working 50 hours a week? I had a job where I made a lot of money, but I wasn't fulfilling any of my spiritual needs. Now that I work for my church, I see my "purpose" a little more clearly. I know that part of my purpose is to be in service to those in my community.
As Americans we define our lives by our work, but I believe pretty whole-heartedly that my work is an outlet for my purpose in life and it also affords a creative outlet for myself, which is another thing that I desperately need in my life. I tried to be in service at my previous job, but the bottom line was money and budgets. Churches need to make money in order to survive as well, but ultimately, it's about serving God's people.
One of the great things about church services is really being able to come home and reflect on what all was said. There is a lot to be learned about life from a simple sermon. I don't ever go home thinking I'm gonna go to hell if I don't change my ways. I mostly think, boy what can I do to help others, and then I usually take a nap! :)
I have found myself before kneeling in the center of my room crying to God to save me. I have pounded my chest and sobbed into the carpet, yes SOBBED for God to make things the way I want them. When my episodes have passed and I am thoroughly happy again and past all my issues, I rarely give thanks to God for seeing me through. Joe made a great point yesterday, "who plays the main role in your life?" I love how Pastor Joe is honest in his sermons, he doesn't make himself out to be the stand-up guy that all Pastors and Ministers are "supposed" to be. He is flawed just like the rest of us. I love this about the church I attend; our Pastors are never afraid to make themselves vulnerable to the congregation. I guess in a way, that makes them more approachable and more human. So many times, religious leaders are held in contempt, and we often either hold them above the rest of society, or we are wary of them and un-trusting.
The sermons our Pastors give are not "preachy," instead they convey a message that, "hey, we're all human, trying to get it right in this world through God and his Son." Some days we get it right, other days we have a ways to go.
So what role does God play in my life? Well, I think it helps that I work at the church I attend, so He definitely plays a role on a daily basis. But when it comes to my personal life, God is generally a secondary character. Sometimes I find myself being too self-righteous and silently proud of the things that I do. And then there are other times when I am humbled and shamed by that same pride. There is always, "what else can I do? Don't judge others for what they are incapable of providing." I often have to find solace in just accepting that I do what I do because it is what I have been called to do. John the Baptist's role was to announce the Messiah to the world. When he did that his "life's purpose" was fulfilled. In the passage we read from John 1: 29-42 John declares, "‘Here is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! This is he of whom I said, “After me comes a man who ranks ahead of me because he was before me.” I myself did not know him; but I came baptizing with water for this reason, that he might be revealed to Israel.’"
We live in a world where books like "The Purpose Driven Life," encourage us to make bold decisions about the direction our lives should take. I think these books are great because there are so many people in this world who are lost and need help in finding their purpose. But some of us search and search, wondering, "is this all it is?" I'm not John the Baptist, I haven't always known what the purpose of my life is to be, nor do I really know right now. I do know that there are things that I do in this life that bring me great joy, and these come when I am in service to God, when I am connecting and helping others. I'll be honest, there are times when the burdensomeness of my daily life has me questioning, "should I be out making a ton of money, working 50 hours a week? I had a job where I made a lot of money, but I wasn't fulfilling any of my spiritual needs. Now that I work for my church, I see my "purpose" a little more clearly. I know that part of my purpose is to be in service to those in my community.
As Americans we define our lives by our work, but I believe pretty whole-heartedly that my work is an outlet for my purpose in life and it also affords a creative outlet for myself, which is another thing that I desperately need in my life. I tried to be in service at my previous job, but the bottom line was money and budgets. Churches need to make money in order to survive as well, but ultimately, it's about serving God's people.
One of the great things about church services is really being able to come home and reflect on what all was said. There is a lot to be learned about life from a simple sermon. I don't ever go home thinking I'm gonna go to hell if I don't change my ways. I mostly think, boy what can I do to help others, and then I usually take a nap! :)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
144lb 12 minute mile..
No joke. Shape up or ship out!
The saddest part about my workout is that I only ran 1.25 miles today. The rest, I walked. Exercise for me is not about vanity, it's about feeling healthy. When I breath with exaggerated breaths, I know I've fallen off the wagon somewhere. I really cannot blame it on Christmas eating or anything like that. I can only blame in on total disdain for working out. I have been more content to sit around, watch movies, drink beer, and eat copious amounts of delicious food that I make for my grandparents.
But 144 pounds of the Captain?!?!? No way! Time to shape up. So, here on my blog I am outlining my plan for the week, and will update every Saturday. Hold me to this people! I have a hard time holding myself to things when the things in life are just too good to pass up while running in this icy-cold weather. Brrr... but the Parks & Recreation Department of KCMO have excellent community facilities at a fraction of the prices most gyms offer.
So, this is what I did today: 35 minutes on the treadmill. I ran for 15 minutes at approximately an 11.5 minute mile. Then I walked around the track for another quarter mile to cool off. In all, I was "active" for 3.25 miles. I guess that's better than nothing. I have decided to work my way back into my normal running regime. Before when I would take a week off for recovery, I would go right into a 3 mile run. This time around, I'm just gonna go slow and creep my way back up to being able to run 13 miles on Saturdays. At this point, I can no longer call myself a runner because running once or twice a week is NOT proper training. Besides, when I try to get back in, I go for that 3 miler like I did before, and then I'm in pain for a few days.
I find it interesting that two years ago, I could run a half marathon every weekend. That was when I was BAD-ASS, and about 14 pounds lighter.
Here's my schedule for the week:
Monday: Run/Walk: 35 minutes Bicycle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds sprints to 1 minute sintervals
Tuesday: Run/Walk 35 minutes Bicycle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervals
Wednesday: OFF, this is a big day at church for me
Thursday: Run/Walk 35 minutes Bicyle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervals
Friday: I have prior obligations this week.
Saturday: Run/Walk 35 minutes Bicyle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervals
Sunday: Ride my bicycle with Mr. Jon Peck He is going to run his first marathon this year, so I need to keep up with my running and cycling, and who better to do it with? Mr. Jon P!
Wish me luck! Cuz I want to be a runner again!
The saddest part about my workout is that I only ran 1.25 miles today. The rest, I walked. Exercise for me is not about vanity, it's about feeling healthy. When I breath with exaggerated breaths, I know I've fallen off the wagon somewhere. I really cannot blame it on Christmas eating or anything like that. I can only blame in on total disdain for working out. I have been more content to sit around, watch movies, drink beer, and eat copious amounts of delicious food that I make for my grandparents.
But 144 pounds of the Captain?!?!? No way! Time to shape up. So, here on my blog I am outlining my plan for the week, and will update every Saturday. Hold me to this people! I have a hard time holding myself to things when the things in life are just too good to pass up while running in this icy-cold weather. Brrr... but the Parks & Recreation Department of KCMO have excellent community facilities at a fraction of the prices most gyms offer.
So, this is what I did today: 35 minutes on the treadmill. I ran for 15 minutes at approximately an 11.5 minute mile. Then I walked around the track for another quarter mile to cool off. In all, I was "active" for 3.25 miles. I guess that's better than nothing. I have decided to work my way back into my normal running regime. Before when I would take a week off for recovery, I would go right into a 3 mile run. This time around, I'm just gonna go slow and creep my way back up to being able to run 13 miles on Saturdays. At this point, I can no longer call myself a runner because running once or twice a week is NOT proper training. Besides, when I try to get back in, I go for that 3 miler like I did before, and then I'm in pain for a few days.
I find it interesting that two years ago, I could run a half marathon every weekend. That was when I was BAD-ASS, and about 14 pounds lighter.
Here's my schedule for the week:
Monday: Run/Walk: 35 minutes Bicycle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds sprints to 1 minute sintervals
Tuesday: Run/Walk 35 minutes Bicycle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervals
Wednesday: OFF, this is a big day at church for me
Thursday: Run/Walk 35 minutes Bicyle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervalsFriday: I have prior obligations this week.
Saturday: Run/Walk 35 minutes Bicyle trainer: 15 minutes, with 10 minutes of 30 seconds to 1 minute sprint intervals
Sunday: Ride my bicycle with Mr. Jon Peck He is going to run his first marathon this year, so I need to keep up with my running and cycling, and who better to do it with? Mr. Jon P!
Wish me luck! Cuz I want to be a runner again!
Monday, January 10, 2011
My Favorite Book
By now, frequent readers of my blog know all too well that my favorite book is Paulo Coehlo's "The Alchemist." I give this book to people that are important in my life and who I want to give a part of myself to.
Two and a half years ago, I was in a tiny apartment in Paris, depressed, amid a sea of down blankets, looking out the window with frequency, telling myself to get up! I didn't know what I was doing in that country. I should have been out exploring, but I just wanted to be alone, away from the world. I spent about a week in the apartment before I decided to venture out. I didn't just go out and roam around Paris, I took a trip to Vienna, Prague and Krakow. I bought an airline ticket to Vienna, paid for by the lovely people at Visa, and let the rest of the trip work itself out, I arrived in Vienna and as the plane taxied, I realized, I had no idea even what language they spoke in this Central European country. I generally take great pride in the fact that I am a good traveler, I am not that dumb American. But here I was, grabbing my bag at an airport in the middle of a city where I didn't know the language. Gasp! I looked at the signs and figured out what language was spoken, and only words in German I could muster were: Guten tag & Das Boot! Agh, I was in for it for sure. Luckily, every person in the world speaks English and getting around was easier than walking barefoot through a wading pool!
But I was miserable in Vienna, I went for a super long walk until I found the tourist attractions. All the happy people taking pictures in the rain, motivated me to go back to my hostel to be alone. I stopped at what would equate as a Mom and Pop diner in a less touristy part of town and had some dinner while the rain subsided. The owner gave me two HUGE beers (one free) and asked me why the hell I would be traveling alone in Central Europe. My response was simple, "I always travel alone." In the midst of my depressive mood, I thought that I would probably always be alone. I was 30 years old, why had I believed that I would ever find a person or persons to share my life and experiences with. After spending a few hours drinking beer with my new Austrian friend, who gave me excellent tourist advice and things to see, I decided to walk back to my hostel, in the rain, which in hindsight was a perfect reflection of my state of being at that time.
Fortunately I met other travelers and ended up with a travel partner to go with me to Prague and Krakow. I wasn't all that impressed with Prague, but in Krakow, my life changed. I met a guy by the name of Victor and we enjoyed the city as though we belonged there. We became a part of the culture and the life that existed in this small city that had a turbulent and tragic past. There was a sort of magic that danced with us as we ran through the cold streets of Krakow. I didn't want to leave after 3 fantastic days of discovering life, but the morning came when I had to return the Vienna to catch a flight back to Paris. I don't remember much of what we spoke of, other than our lives being attached to something greater and that there are signs that show us which way our lives are supposed to go. He was the second person to recommend that I read "The Alchemist." I left my new friend, who I have only spoken to once since then, with happiness in my heart.
Back in Paris, I relented myself to my apartment and sea of down blankets for a couple of days before I decided to venture out onto the busy streets of Paris. I ended up in the Latin Quarter at Shakespeare's Bookstore and I found the book he had recommended and took it home with me. The next day I ended up taking a train to Versailles and roamed around the gardens for several hours. I brought my book along with a a jar of Nutella, and became immersed in the journey of a boy by the name of Santiago...
I immediately related to this book and realized that I too had been on a path, but I had no idea where that path was headed. I wanted so much to be this brave girl in the world, but was terrified of actually embarking on it. So, I came home to the USA and decided to take on this journey of finding my Personal Legend. Like Santiago, I have had set backs and heart-wrenching experiences. I have also learned a great deal about people and how I am really a part of this life and the people in it.
Last night, our AfterHours Service at church came to a "pause." Pastor Joe was upset because this was a service that he had been wanting to do for years and he felt like he had failed his dream. I don't believe he failed at all, in fact I think he opened a new chapter. I don't believe this is the end of AfterHours, but a beginning to what it can truly be. The path is full of lessons and setbacks, but if he really believes in this service, it'll come to fruition again and the way he has envisioned it. (I mean, I really thought we should sit in a circle and hum... but it isn't my dream! Definitely one I want to help bring to fruition for though) But Joe's presence and love for this service has also opened a chapter in my life and my call to ministry. Last night he spoke about baptism and how Jesus' baptism by John was His way of becoming a part of humanity. Joe had us wash our hands in the baptismal water, and when I did, I finally felt the ultimate calling. As I looked up at the cross, I made a vow to God, to forever be his disciple and his student. I was baptized as a baby, like many, but at that moment I felt like I had been on this path all along.
There are many things that have happened since last December (2009) when Paul first put "Living Buddha, Living Christ," in my hands. I had been going to church, trying to be spiritual, trying to understand what my role in the world is. This book made Jesus human, more personal than He had ever been to me. I realized then, that because of Christ, I am able to have such passion in my life, which I have also come to understand makes me more susceptible to agony. The agony I felt when my friendship with Paul ended, made me want to be more practical in life, made me search for stability. The whirlwind of passion was too intolerable, and I needed a reprieve from it. I did all that practicality requires, but was again unsatisfied because I feel deeply and want to connect with people on a higher plane than what was right in front of me. I went to a concert this past December 9th, and being able to connect with friends on this crazy spiritual level again was awesome. I told a friend of mine later, that I was completely blissed out, just so happy at that moment being in this loud bar listening to music I'd never heard. Since that night, I have felt love so deeply in my heart and I knew how close I was and am to my Personal Legend. Life is about relationships, and my spiritual and human relationship to Jesus made me realize this. The path is about taking risks, and during the past year, I have become that brave girl in the world, who isn't terrified anymore about embarking on this roller-coaster life! I have let the Spirit guide me, and I have remembered to incorporate the humanity of Jesus into my living.
Thanks to Joe and his insistence to renew our baptism I know where my path leads. I am a disciple of Jesus... and I will be forever. Through Him, my life, which has been so great the past few months, will only get better.
Because "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
Two and a half years ago, I was in a tiny apartment in Paris, depressed, amid a sea of down blankets, looking out the window with frequency, telling myself to get up! I didn't know what I was doing in that country. I should have been out exploring, but I just wanted to be alone, away from the world. I spent about a week in the apartment before I decided to venture out. I didn't just go out and roam around Paris, I took a trip to Vienna, Prague and Krakow. I bought an airline ticket to Vienna, paid for by the lovely people at Visa, and let the rest of the trip work itself out, I arrived in Vienna and as the plane taxied, I realized, I had no idea even what language they spoke in this Central European country. I generally take great pride in the fact that I am a good traveler, I am not that dumb American. But here I was, grabbing my bag at an airport in the middle of a city where I didn't know the language. Gasp! I looked at the signs and figured out what language was spoken, and only words in German I could muster were: Guten tag & Das Boot! Agh, I was in for it for sure. Luckily, every person in the world speaks English and getting around was easier than walking barefoot through a wading pool!
But I was miserable in Vienna, I went for a super long walk until I found the tourist attractions. All the happy people taking pictures in the rain, motivated me to go back to my hostel to be alone. I stopped at what would equate as a Mom and Pop diner in a less touristy part of town and had some dinner while the rain subsided. The owner gave me two HUGE beers (one free) and asked me why the hell I would be traveling alone in Central Europe. My response was simple, "I always travel alone." In the midst of my depressive mood, I thought that I would probably always be alone. I was 30 years old, why had I believed that I would ever find a person or persons to share my life and experiences with. After spending a few hours drinking beer with my new Austrian friend, who gave me excellent tourist advice and things to see, I decided to walk back to my hostel, in the rain, which in hindsight was a perfect reflection of my state of being at that time.
Fortunately I met other travelers and ended up with a travel partner to go with me to Prague and Krakow. I wasn't all that impressed with Prague, but in Krakow, my life changed. I met a guy by the name of Victor and we enjoyed the city as though we belonged there. We became a part of the culture and the life that existed in this small city that had a turbulent and tragic past. There was a sort of magic that danced with us as we ran through the cold streets of Krakow. I didn't want to leave after 3 fantastic days of discovering life, but the morning came when I had to return the Vienna to catch a flight back to Paris. I don't remember much of what we spoke of, other than our lives being attached to something greater and that there are signs that show us which way our lives are supposed to go. He was the second person to recommend that I read "The Alchemist." I left my new friend, who I have only spoken to once since then, with happiness in my heart.
Back in Paris, I relented myself to my apartment and sea of down blankets for a couple of days before I decided to venture out onto the busy streets of Paris. I ended up in the Latin Quarter at Shakespeare's Bookstore and I found the book he had recommended and took it home with me. The next day I ended up taking a train to Versailles and roamed around the gardens for several hours. I brought my book along with a a jar of Nutella, and became immersed in the journey of a boy by the name of Santiago...
I immediately related to this book and realized that I too had been on a path, but I had no idea where that path was headed. I wanted so much to be this brave girl in the world, but was terrified of actually embarking on it. So, I came home to the USA and decided to take on this journey of finding my Personal Legend. Like Santiago, I have had set backs and heart-wrenching experiences. I have also learned a great deal about people and how I am really a part of this life and the people in it.
Last night, our AfterHours Service at church came to a "pause." Pastor Joe was upset because this was a service that he had been wanting to do for years and he felt like he had failed his dream. I don't believe he failed at all, in fact I think he opened a new chapter. I don't believe this is the end of AfterHours, but a beginning to what it can truly be. The path is full of lessons and setbacks, but if he really believes in this service, it'll come to fruition again and the way he has envisioned it. (I mean, I really thought we should sit in a circle and hum... but it isn't my dream! Definitely one I want to help bring to fruition for though) But Joe's presence and love for this service has also opened a chapter in my life and my call to ministry. Last night he spoke about baptism and how Jesus' baptism by John was His way of becoming a part of humanity. Joe had us wash our hands in the baptismal water, and when I did, I finally felt the ultimate calling. As I looked up at the cross, I made a vow to God, to forever be his disciple and his student. I was baptized as a baby, like many, but at that moment I felt like I had been on this path all along.
There are many things that have happened since last December (2009) when Paul first put "Living Buddha, Living Christ," in my hands. I had been going to church, trying to be spiritual, trying to understand what my role in the world is. This book made Jesus human, more personal than He had ever been to me. I realized then, that because of Christ, I am able to have such passion in my life, which I have also come to understand makes me more susceptible to agony. The agony I felt when my friendship with Paul ended, made me want to be more practical in life, made me search for stability. The whirlwind of passion was too intolerable, and I needed a reprieve from it. I did all that practicality requires, but was again unsatisfied because I feel deeply and want to connect with people on a higher plane than what was right in front of me. I went to a concert this past December 9th, and being able to connect with friends on this crazy spiritual level again was awesome. I told a friend of mine later, that I was completely blissed out, just so happy at that moment being in this loud bar listening to music I'd never heard. Since that night, I have felt love so deeply in my heart and I knew how close I was and am to my Personal Legend. Life is about relationships, and my spiritual and human relationship to Jesus made me realize this. The path is about taking risks, and during the past year, I have become that brave girl in the world, who isn't terrified anymore about embarking on this roller-coaster life! I have let the Spirit guide me, and I have remembered to incorporate the humanity of Jesus into my living.
Thanks to Joe and his insistence to renew our baptism I know where my path leads. I am a disciple of Jesus... and I will be forever. Through Him, my life, which has been so great the past few months, will only get better.
Because "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Whirlwinds and Stability
Tonight I .... I don't know what to say. I have not been honest with myself in a while. Pretending to be happy for another person is not the way to go. Trying to get yourself to be into someone is a lie just like cheating. You're cheating that person out of real happiness.
I hate myself tonight, but I know that what I did was out of real love. Sometimes you have to do something selfish in order to figure out why you chose to take a certain route in the first place.
This is all I have to say tonight, but I've had a four month affair with stability... can there be a balance between passion and stability? I believe there can be and sometimes you have to experience both extremes before you seek the balance.
You must find balance in the Force... always.
I hate myself tonight, but I know that what I did was out of real love. Sometimes you have to do something selfish in order to figure out why you chose to take a certain route in the first place.
This is all I have to say tonight, but I've had a four month affair with stability... can there be a balance between passion and stability? I believe there can be and sometimes you have to experience both extremes before you seek the balance.
You must find balance in the Force... always.
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