Easter

It will be Easter in less than half an hour.  This year I have been diligent at following through with what I gave up for lent.  On Ash Wednesday on February 17th, I decided to put down the bottle of beer and start being myself.  It is so easy to take alcohol and use it to make yourself feel better, to cover the feelings that you need to express.  The fog of my life needed to be lifted. I needed to confront myself and really find out who I am.  And who am I?  I am just a girl trying to make sense of the world I live in.  Trying to find the things in life that most interest me.  Trying to acknowledge that I don't need the approval of others to be the person that I know I am. And letting go of alcohol has allowed me to do that. Doing so has been a daunting task.  It is harder to talk out loud amongst a group of intoxicated people.  But what I've realized is that when people drink, their conversations are no longer meaningful.  It's a form of letting go all inhibitions and letting a substance take over our personalities. 

I am a quiet person. I don't mean in the manner that I am shy, but that I prefer to listen. I'm not much for spouting off randomness. I like to think and accumulate knowledge about what I am talking about.  And i don't think alcohol affords that possibility. Don't get me wrong, I like talking about the weather just as much as the next person.  However, I find it difficult to do so with people I don't really know. Alcohol has always broken down that barrier, but in reality, that isn't the person that I am.  I really want to make friends and be accepted by my peers, but I want to find another way to do it.  During this season of Lent, it is exactly what I have been doing. However, being able to let my true self come out without the aid of alcohol has been difficult. 

Tomorrow I can drink again, but I've been debating whether or not it's worth it.  Christ went out into the wilderness to confront his temptations. I've been thinking about my temptations in the last few weeks because I knew the time was drawing near.  At first, I was like, "no big deal, I don't have to drink."  Now I'm at the point where I think, alcohol is a major obstacle in my life that prohibits me from facing myself and accepting myself for who I am. 

One of my hang-ups is that I want people to like me so much... but how can I do that when the only way I seem to like myself is if I'm outgoing. And I'm only very outgoing when I drink.  I know that it's in me to be the fun person I am when I'm drinking.  I don't think I need the alcohol to be the person I know I am.  I think I'm going to forgo that beer that will be waiting for me tomorrow at softball.