Overpollenation

"The winter was so hard that the trees and plants feel like everything has died, so they overpollenate."  i don't know how true that statement is, but I'm going to believe every word of it. It makes sense and it would definitely explain why after about 5 years of not having allergy problems, why I have them this year.

Tomorrow is May and this year has so far has been kind of tough. Broken heart, broken spirit, broken will. But like the trees, I feel that life must continue, I must pollinate again and come back stronger than ever.  I will conquer all the obstacles along my way.  I will make amends with my past.  I will triumph!

For those of you that have followed this blog, know that I try so hard to be positive. I did a little backsliding back in February, but over the past couple of months, I feel I have made my way back to the person that I want to be and who I know I am. I have come to the realization, that no, I am not a very social person, but I love the people who come into my life with great passion.  Sometimes I can love a little too much, but you know, it's okay, it's all a learning experience.  What I've learned most is that to do what I want with my life, does not require me to be a social butterfly, nor accepted by everyone I come into contact with. I like who I am and I intend on using whatever gifts I may have to do what I want. 

With that being said, I've become very confident behind the lens of a camera and have started pushing myself into the career of photography and design. It is something that I have always wanted to do, but never had enough confidence to try.  I know what I want and even if I'm not the best, it doesn't matter, I will be persistent with it. I don't think vanquishing my interest as just a hobby is what I'm meant to do. There's a real possibility to make it mine, to make it what I do. I realized this yesterday when I was asked why I didn't come work for our corporate headquarters. I was flattered beyond belief and realized, I can do whatever I want.  I've been patient with myself. I've taken the long road to get to know who I am. Often I have thought that things were too tough, that I would be destined for a life of mediocrity.

But mediocrity is a dead world and I intend on overpollenating (not in the sense of overworking myself) that deadness that I thought was there.

Aloneness

Last Saturday I went to a fashion show.  On the way, while driving on the freeway I passed a house that had a large gathering in what seemed to be the backyard. This was a family reunion kind of get together, easily a hundred people. Or should I say at least! 

As I drove past, I remembered back to the times when I was in my early adolescent years, how much large events tortured me.  I remember getting ready for them, telling myself that I would be the most popular girl there, that I would be a real hit.  These pep talks usually ended when we would finally arrive.  I would spend hours upon (what seemed like) hours, pacing back and forth between groups of people.  The anxiousness kept me from settling on a group of people, of being able to engage in conversations.  Socializing with strangers was difficult.  Socializing for me had to develop over time. How was I to connect with these people who I wasn't even sure I'd ever see again.  Preparing for a work reunion for my Dad was like preparing myself for the gallows.

As an adult, things haven't gotten necessarily easier.  My friendships with people take significant time to develop.  Being able to talk about random nonsense with people is not my strong suit. I know that I can come off as rude or snobbish, but I am the exact opposite.  I love people, it's just that being around people I'm not familiar with is somewhat hard for me. Of course, like all people I can have my moments of giddiness combined with loud and excited talking.  And those ocassions, generally happen when an energy exists between me and other people. It's not always there, but with some it is. And alcohol of course has made these situations easier to deal with sometimes. However, I have put down the bottle and come to the realization that alcohol isn't necessary. I have come to find that I like myself the way I am, and others who want to know me will as well.

I have often felt that maybe my life has been missing something because I am not a good socializer.  I find it intriguing that I have no problem leading a group, making presentations, speaking on public platforms, or saying random nonsensical madness to my co-workers. I have done commercials, project my voice on intercom, and create repeating announcements (with my voice) for our store. But put me in a social situation where I know... no one or very few, then I am at a loss and the anxiousness sets in.  When I go out into large groups, I need to be on a trusting friendship basis in order to socialize adequately.  Being among people is healthy, but sometimes, I'd rather stay home on a Friday night than go out to a large gathering, like a bar. If one on one interaction with someone I know is involved, then I know that I will have a good time.

I'm not necessarily a loner, because like I said, I love people. One day I hope to share my life with another person. I just need somebody who understands the need to be alone. Everybody talks about "me" time, but this is needing outright alone, by-myself-with-a-book-alone-time.  I'm not lonely because I like myself and I know myself.  It is a good thing to know yourself, and once you do know yourself, others will see that and respect you for it. 

I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange... ~Paulo Coehlo

In His Death, there is Hope

And now we come to the time in the service where we reflect upon the word, where we make that decision and feel free to connect with God in the way we feel most comfortable. If you feel that God is calling you to be reconciled with somebody, maybe today is the day you need to make that phone call, send that e-mail.... (not exactly Patrick's words, but close enough)

I feel as though I am always needing to find reconciliation.  I have always been the good girl, the one people look up to because I do what I'm told. I have lived my life according to rules and guidelines.  As a teenager I only mistepped once in high school. I did what was supposed to be done. I didn't drink or do drugs, I just did what was expected.  But there is something in me that I do, do wrong.  I have this horrible tendency to hurt the people I say I care about the most.  I hurt them when I feel they have misled or deceived me.  My actions however, are more extreme than what causes me to react.  I tend to go overboard with my emotions and can say hateful things.  There are words that I wish I could take back.  I love so much and it baffles me that I can say the things that I have said to those I hold dearest to my heart. 

I know why I do it. I have always followed through on the expectations that have been put upon me, and I become disheartened when others don't follow through with the expectations I have of them.  There is a certain reason within my psychological make-up that leads me to my irrational actions. My depression is caused by it, and it is what triggers my outbursts.  However, I am not willing to excuse my actions based on my illness.  Especially an illness that I have made the decision to fix. Getting better is within my power and if I want to remain in healthy, respectable relationships, I must continuously work on it. I have to be able to recognize the problems, recognize when boundaries are about to be let down. I have to protect myself ahead of time, to protect the ones I love from confronting the wrath I have been carrying within me.  My goal is to quiet the wrath. I know that because I am loved by God, I can do it. I simply don't want to hurt or hurt others anymore.  I love so much, and hurting those I love fills me with sorrow.   

Christ died for us, for our sins. He rose from the dead.  Our iniquities and shortcomings in life are reduced because of His resurrection.  His resurrection brings hope, it quells the harshness of not only physical death, but the death of our sins.  I have hope for myself, I have hope for reconciliation with those I have hurt.  I ask forgiveness because sometimes I know not what I do.  I may never be forgiven entirely by the ones I have hurt, but I know that God will forgive me.  That is the only assurance and acceptance I need to continue living, to continue conquering the obstacles set before me. I can pick up the pieces and continue on this journey of life and I can become strong for myself and for the ones I love.

Easter

It will be Easter in less than half an hour.  This year I have been diligent at following through with what I gave up for lent.  On Ash Wednesday on February 17th, I decided to put down the bottle of beer and start being myself.  It is so easy to take alcohol and use it to make yourself feel better, to cover the feelings that you need to express.  The fog of my life needed to be lifted. I needed to confront myself and really find out who I am.  And who am I?  I am just a girl trying to make sense of the world I live in.  Trying to find the things in life that most interest me.  Trying to acknowledge that I don't need the approval of others to be the person that I know I am. And letting go of alcohol has allowed me to do that. Doing so has been a daunting task.  It is harder to talk out loud amongst a group of intoxicated people.  But what I've realized is that when people drink, their conversations are no longer meaningful.  It's a form of letting go all inhibitions and letting a substance take over our personalities. 

I am a quiet person. I don't mean in the manner that I am shy, but that I prefer to listen. I'm not much for spouting off randomness. I like to think and accumulate knowledge about what I am talking about.  And i don't think alcohol affords that possibility. Don't get me wrong, I like talking about the weather just as much as the next person.  However, I find it difficult to do so with people I don't really know. Alcohol has always broken down that barrier, but in reality, that isn't the person that I am.  I really want to make friends and be accepted by my peers, but I want to find another way to do it.  During this season of Lent, it is exactly what I have been doing. However, being able to let my true self come out without the aid of alcohol has been difficult. 

Tomorrow I can drink again, but I've been debating whether or not it's worth it.  Christ went out into the wilderness to confront his temptations. I've been thinking about my temptations in the last few weeks because I knew the time was drawing near.  At first, I was like, "no big deal, I don't have to drink."  Now I'm at the point where I think, alcohol is a major obstacle in my life that prohibits me from facing myself and accepting myself for who I am. 

One of my hang-ups is that I want people to like me so much... but how can I do that when the only way I seem to like myself is if I'm outgoing. And I'm only very outgoing when I drink.  I know that it's in me to be the fun person I am when I'm drinking.  I don't think I need the alcohol to be the person I know I am.  I think I'm going to forgo that beer that will be waiting for me tomorrow at softball.