Words & Phrases

It has taken me about four days to write this entry...damn internet sucks right now!

When I was a Senior in High School I discovered my love of words.  All Seniors were required to take Political Science and Economics. The semester I took Economics, the word "entrepreneur" fascinated me.  I would say it over and over to myself and finally I let the word form itself in my vocal chords and mouth.  I loved the way the word felt, the mellifluousness of it sounded and felt like a song.  However, the spoken word has never quite resonated as well as it does on paper.  I have experienced the euphonious nature of exquisite rhetoric, but for me, to write the words and say them silently in my head was an empirical test of the power and virtue of words.  

The English Language is largely assumed to be the language with the most words.  According to the AskOxford website, English is primarily a Germanic and Dutch language, and we share our basic grammar and vocabulary structure with them.   In 1066, when the Norman Franks invaded the British Isles, French became the official language.  Along with the French, came the Roman Catholic church, which brought Latin into the language as well.  The influence of the Romance language is indeed quite noticeable in our modern English owing in large part to the implementation of French as the official language of the government and monarchy for nearly 300 years.  Old English, would be nearly unrecognizable to modern English readers.  With the combination of all these languages and now with English being the International language which adapts words from other languages, the probability of it having the most words, is quite significant.

Enough history lesson!  The Oxford Dictionary has over 170,000 words that are currently used and lists over 47,000 extinct words.  Language is ever changing and knowing that there are thousands of words to choose from is overwhelming.  I often wonder if I will ever use them all.   Highly doubtful, but it is remarkable that there will be words that I will never even see written on paper. 

I have two favorite things when it comes to words.  A dictionary and a thesaurus.  My enchantment of words affords me the opportunity to use these two books to discover new words every day.  Every word contains a treasure.  Words have history, they have meaning, they have a story to tell.  Maybe this is why I enjoy the Scripp's National Spelling Bee. I like to experiment with them and put them into unique orders to come up with divergent meaning sentences.   My bookmark bar has a folder labeled "words&phrases," because I enjoy exploring new ways to say things.

My two favorite past-times are doing the crossword puzzle and watching the Scrip's National Spelling Bee.  Crossword puzzles offer the opportunity to find different meanings and alternative ways to use words.  Contestants of the Spelling Bee will often ask for the definition and origin of a word.  My favorite year was when a boy couldn't spell bann.  He asked to use it in a sentence and one of the judges said something like this, "The bann announcing the arrival of the King preceded his carriage."  The minute the word was used in the sentence, I knew it had two "N"s and that the word banner was derived from it.  So now, every time I see a banner, I think of how the word could have evolved into what it is now. Why would we add "er" to the end?  

So, I began this blog entry a couple of weeks ago, and I don't think I can continue it any longer.  I finally have a stable internet connection and I promise to have something more enlightening in the near future.  Peace my friends....

I found my thrill on Strawberry Hill

I know that's not how the song goes, but I just saw some pictures of fire hydrants painted with Strawberries from Strawberry Hill KS.  My ex-boyfriend used to live in Strawberry Hill, but I never noticed those hydrants before.  I tell you, sometimes it takes a lot to open our eyes.  I guess I used to just go there so I could see his beautiful face.  It's amazing what we miss out on when we are wrapped up in being "in love."

Lately, I've been in love with life and enjoying the people around me.  Not only that, I've taken on new friendships and have certainly loved meeting these different personalities. Where were these people when I was 25?  Obviously around, but I guess I was too afraid to look outside my comfort zone to find them.  I've always been so afraid to let new people into my life, but I've found it to be highly rewarding.  And I don't feel on edge when I'm around these people.  I am content to sit and just watch or get up and have a conversation with whoever.  It's such an interesting feeling.

Thirty started out kind of rocky, but the last six months of this year are going to be great.  I can feel it.  

Writing About Oneself

The other day, this guy that I recently met found my blog.  I had to forewarn him that much of what I write is about my perceptions and my reflections on things that have happened.  It's not that I dwell on things, it that I want to learn.  I saw Ashley tonight and we talked about my ex for a bit and she said she was so happy that I was finally over it.  I told her that I thought about him often and she acknowledged that it was normal because, seriously, the man is a good guy.  I think that my reaction to his ending things was maybe a little dramatic, but at the same time it was based on the things he had said to me.  He may have wanted certain things, but in truth he probably wasn't ready for all that he had hoped for. It was so sudden and disheartening, and I truthfully believe that had he been ready, it would have been as he put it, "meant to be."  But, I've come to realize that things DO indeed happen for a reason.  I would really like to fault him for not living up to his own expectations, but when one has a million different things on one's plate, one cannot focus on much else.  A son, overdue bills, creditors, the thought of a layoff.  Focusing on a girl and a future with her is not an option that is feasible, no matter how much he may have wanted it.  I should have seen it before I left for France, but I was blinded his words.  Also, I don't believe things were that terrible when we first met.  I think, a meaningless relationship is all he could have handled, and well, I don't think I exude that, I'm too good for that.  

Too bad.  

But! Things have been fantastic since I've put things into perspective.  I've been having a great time and meeting many new and interesting individuals. I've even taken up with a friend of mine who I thought I had lost.  I'm no longer on the ladder and I explained to him that I have no expectations from him, and that I never had. I told him that he didn't need to worry that I wanted something from him; I have only ever just appreciated his friendship.  

And it's weird, now that I'm not preoccupied with running into my "ex" or feeling that I need an explanation for things, I feel free to live uninterrupted.  I've accomplished so much in the last month, I've surprised myself.  I'm ready for opportunity and adventure.  I'm ready to live without fear, without apprehension.  I just want to enjoy the people in my life and those around me.  I'm ready to not take life so seriously.  I mean, you only get one shot right?

Get Your Sprinting Legs Ready

This weekend at Harling's:

Plus...you can check out my newest Pirate outfit! Don't miss out!

Keeping the Faith

What Breaks Us Apart

Two weeks ago I was distraught, I felt misled, I felt hurt. I had lost two very important people in my life and one of them didn't have a say in how things turned out.  I hate to admit it, but I love both of them and it didn't last long enough to find out what could have happened.  One of them will never remember me and that pains me as I know I will always remember him and the glimpse of what it could have been like to unconditionally love another human.  I couldn't understand how somebody who had said, "you make me want to be a better person," could want to be without me.  How could I not be the 100% he was looking for?  Why didn't I measure up?  I have so much to offer to another person.  My friend Ashley said it best, "maybe he couldn't be the better person that he knew you deserved."  Those words made everything fall into place.  The pressure that weighed on my heart lifted and I've felt at peace with that part of it.  If only he could have seen that I am the one who chooses what is best for me, the one that figures out what I deserve.  

(Maybe his situation wouldn't allow him to take me out as he may have wanted, but I don't think I ever asked for much.  The best night I spent with him was the evening we made pita sandwiches after he hurt himself at work.  Being with him was enough, holding his hand while we slept is what I longed for, putting my head on his shoulder brought warmth to my heart.  I was with a good man, what more could I deserve?  To love his character is what I wanted more than anything.  But I lost it, and I don't think through any fault of my own.  His decision to end it, I believe, was based on his own inability to live in peace with his self-perceived imperfections.) This paragraph goes two paragraphs down...I can't cut and paste on blogger for some reason...  

He said he didn't want to smoke or drink as much as he did.  Could my words have affected him THAT much that he thought he couldn't achieve these things for ME?   One evening, as we left Northeast Kansas City to ride back to my place, his cigarette lighter ran out of fluid.  We had a quick bicker over how bad smoking is for you, and he told me that smoking was one of the few pleasures that he enjoyed and to leave it alone.  I never told him to stop smoking, I simply told him the benefits of having healthy lungs. Or maybe it was my concern for his incessant coughing in the mornings. As much as I would have liked him to be healthy, I never would have told him to quit. One cannot make decisions for others or based on another's opinions.  Fortunately, to kiss him, one would never have known he was a smoker.  I only cared for his health, maybe he couldn't be healthy for me.  I would hope that if somebody were to make the decision to stop smoking, it would be for him or herself, not another person. 

The Friday night before I moved into my new apartment, I lay in his bed on the verge of sleep.  He leaned his head through the door and said, "I gotta eat something, you got the spins?"  I looked up at him shocked, "no, I'm fine." The next morning I asked him, "did you think I was drunk last night?"  I told him that I didn't like to have hangovers and that I knew my limit, and that I knew when to stop.  I think for him, drinking is a sport and done to the extremes.  I want to live a healthy lifestyle, could my behavior have affected his decision that he might not be good for me?  

We all make decisions in our lives that bring us to who we are.  Some of us make poor decisions in regards to our lives.  Just because I have never experienced a hard life of drugs, alcohol, sex, and all those other things, doesn't mean that I am too good for somebody who has.  My decisions have not always been based on the desire to have a healthy life, they have been affected by fear.  I have never done an abundance of drugs because I was afraid of what addiction could do to me.  I never drank too much after watching my best friend black out and almost die; after hearing of my sister's alcohol poisoning when she was 15.  I have never had a great sexual relationship because I was afraid to endure the hardships of possibly raising a child alone.  

I am a product of fear, but my life hasn't been without times of pleasure.  I hope that if he reads this, he understands that just because some of us have made good decisions in our lives, doesn't mean that we are better.  I never intended on being a "role model" as my cousin Kelly once told me I was.  I've always just wanted to live, and make mistakes like everyone else. But my fear has held me back on many occasions. Not feeling capable of taking risks doesn't make me better, it makes me less experienced.  I know I deserve a good person in my life, but I'd like to be the one to make that decision. So many decisions have been made for me, I think it's my turn to decide what's best for me.

I'm a Master Gold Sprinter!!!

Okay, so I'm not a master, but I went to Harling's tonight and competed against another girl.  So, I was the TOP LADY!!!  It's official, I am DEFINITELY a ROCKSTAR!  However, I think I may have made the transition from Rockstar to Bike Geek.  I've been hanging out with the Kansas City bike crowd lately and they are too much fun and I seem to fit in more with this group than the "Rocker" scene.  Don't get me wrong, I still like going to shows, but I don't feel as awkward with the Bikers as I do with the Rockers.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we aren't screaming at each other to have a conversation.  It's cool, and people remember you better.  Say what???  Scream Kansas City!

I'm in  a GREAT MOOD tonight!

If you don't know what Gold Sprints are, here's a link:

Gold Sprints

I won this jersey.  It has skulls. It's nifty! Cuz I'm a pirate yo!

Peace!