. . . I looked for him but couldn't find him . . .

Last night as I lay restlessly in bed, my mind turned to prayer. As a former atheist I often begin to question where God is, or if God really does exist.
Our new campus has been open for almost four months, and it's been tough work. It's been detrimental to my soul. People are not coming. I spend time in the community, I invite people to church, but few are coming. I turn to God frequently asking for people to come.

Last night as I lay awake I thought, maybe I'm doing this for the wrong reason. Maybe I'm trying too hard, maybe God is seeing this as something personal, something that will make me look good. I do want to help build God's kingdom, but for me? Or for God?

I prayed over and over last night, "for you God, for you God, for your glory God. I am your servant God. Use me in the way you need." Then my thoughts turned to, "maybe it's because I don't believe enough. Maybe it's because deep down I know God doesn't exist?" I turned to God again, "are you not really there? Am I being foolish?" Sometimes the heart is harder to convince than the brain (queue Frozen).

This morning my devotional spoke into the darkness I felt last night:

Upon my bed, night after night,
        I looked for the one whom I love with all my heart.
    I looked for him but couldn’t find him. 

 “I will rise now and go all around the city,
        through the streets and the squares.
I will look for the one whom I love with all my heart.”
    I looked for him but couldn’t find him.The guards found me,
        those who make their rounds in the city.
“The one whom I love with all my heart—
        have you seen him?”

~Song of Solomon 3:1-3

Mother Teresa struggled in her faith. She painfully struggled with feeling God's presence, yet even through it, she trusted. Even though it hurt, she trusted.

Pete Scazzero says, "Mother Teresa came to realize that her darkness was the spiritual side of her work, a sharing in Christ's suffering, a treasure for her and her unique work." (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Day by Day, 82).

Maybe my doubt is the spiritual side of my work. I by no means can compare my work to that of Mother Teresa's, but I can trust in God even when I don't feel God's presence. I can continue to do the work because I know how much Jesus struggled during his earthly life. Partnership with Jesus means embodying both the successes and struggles he encountered.

As followers of his way, we often cling to the promise of abundant life here and now. Abundance isn't always defined as happiness, it's experiencing the fullness of life. Sometimes that means wading through the struggles to find the light, and then share it. 

. . . Throwing stones . . .

“Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7b
  
Yesterday I sat with a panel of potential jurors while State prosecutors and defense attorneys made decisions about who could be completely fair during a murder trial. I could not have been fair, I would have found him not guilty.

Jesus told those who brought the woman caught in adultery before him, whoever is without sin, throw the first stone. None of them could do it; they had all sinned. Maybe they hadn't committed adultery, but they had sinned - we all have. I follow in their footsteps; I have sinned. I have not murdered anyone, but I have sinned. I cannot throw stones.

I found myself in a precarious position. Which law rules my heart more? That of my country and state, or that of my God?

I love my country, and I appreciate the justice system we have, but I chose the latter. Not because I don't think he didn't do it, but because I think there is a better way of addressing the brokenness in our society. As I sat and listened to people share stories about violent crime in their lives, my heart broke. I wondered how many here know they are loved by God and that our Lord has a more perfect way for each of us. I cannot throw stones.

As I sat in the courtroom, I made eye contact with this very young defendant as a way to say "I see you." I prayed for him and knew that his choice was not what God intended for his life. As the prosecuting attorney asked us if we had any religious convictions, I was the first to raise my hand. 
I told her, "I would want to figure out what in this child's life led him to fire a weapon on someone and end another's life." 

And yes, a child: twenty-year-old when the incident occurred. I cannot throw stones. 

After about five hours of questioning the jurors, the question that most caused me to pause was this, "do you think there should be a higher burden of proof because of the defendant's age." My card shot up. I could have just sat there and let others answer because she had told me that I would probably be disqualified anyway. But I had this nagging feeling of discomfort and indignation about the conflicting laws presented IN the court of law. I cannot throw stones.

In Missouri, jurors must be 21 years of age. I'm assuming the defendant was 21, but he was 20 when he committed the crime (edit, he was still 20 years old and today, 6.12.19, is his 21st birthday). What the law tells us is that if you are under the age of 21, you are not responsible enough, or equipped enough to make decisions about someone else's life. I cannot throw stones.

YET!!! Yet, in the state of Missouri, you are considered an adult at 17 years of age.

I brought this up to the lawyer. I said to her, "based on psychological development, a twenty-year-old's brain does not make decisions like a 28-year-old. We've been told today that this young man couldn't sit on a jury when this crime happened - so basically we're saying he can't discern what's right or wrong, but he could at the time."

At that point, the courtroom erupted in whispers. It was at that moment, I think everyone saw the flaw in the system. I cannot throw stones.

She went on to say something about a crime committed by a 17-year-old is the same as a crime committed by a 28-year-old. She used a car break-in as an analogy. I told her that age will always play a factor in my decision. She went on to say, but this is what the law tells us. To which I answered, "well then the laws are in conflict of each other, and I can't in good conscience make a decision on someone's life, especially when the law doesn't even consider a 20-year-old my peer."
I cannot throw stones.

At the end of our time together, I was not chosen. I was not surprised. But now I know our system is deeply flawed. There is a young man out there, along with thousands of others who have been convicted of crimes by a jury NOT made up of their peers. Furthermore, the jury wasn't even the same race as the young man. Justice is NEVER blind, and I don't believe he will get a fair trial.
We cannot throw stones.

Our justice system is not just - and it is inconsistent. Our justice system is black and white, but we all know life is spent in the gray. 

And the most inconsistent things is this: this young man can be sent to war, to fight someone else's fight. He can kill another human being at the age of 20 and be justified in doing so. It's all so complicated; it infuriatingly communicates appalling contradicting messages.

I pray for him and his family. I hope I can position myself to be a presence for young women and men who come behind him.

Why do we keep throwing stones?  

...launching small groups in churches...

Wow! I got to be a workshop presenter at Annual Conference.
While I am no expert when it comes to small groups, I certainly have learned a lot and continue to try new things.

If you attended annual conference and would like the resources used, please fill out the FORM.

Yes, I love forms!

Blessings,
Angie

...racing against horses...

We live in this crazy world that expects so much from us. We live in a culture of now, noW, NOW! In our jobs, in our churches, in our homes, we're looking for quick fixes to everything.

In our jobs, what can I do today that will increase my sales?
In our churches, what new program can I start to increase the number of butts in the pews?
In our homes, what can I do to make sure my kid is just as successful in soccer as yours?

Maybe it's about the long game. Maybe it's about slowing down and knowing people, or sitting in our discomfort and awkward silences. Maybe it's about letting ourselves be bored.

And I'm not talking about plopping down in front of a TV and zoning out. That is still too much work.

In his complaint to God, Jeremiah cries out in anguish after Judah broke its covenant with God?
    
    But I still have questions about your justice.
    Why do guilty persons enjoy success?
    Why are evildoers so happy? (Jeremiah 12:1b)

He's pleading with the Lord, what can I do? I am tired, they seek me out, they persecute me because I want them to turn their hearts back to you! And you God, you! You are far from me. You've abandoned me.

And God answers directly, but with encouragement and compassion:

If you have raced with people and are worn out,
    how will you compete with horses? (Jeremiah 12:5)



Why Jeremiah? Why must the results be instantaneous? Stop, look around - their (Judeans) brokenness took time to happen. Even their demise did not happen overnight. They turned their backs on me, their God - the ONE who brought them out of Egypt. All of this is their doing, not mine. But I won't stop it from happening!

But here's the Good News God delivers:
   "I will again have compassion on them and restore their inheritance and their land." (Jeremiah 12:15b)

 God looks to the future - and not just the immediate future - God is in the long game.

Maybe we should be too. Yeah, life is short, but we trust in God to get us there.