A Chaos-Free Life

Have you ever known somebody who always seems to attract negativity and chaos into their lives? I am often perplexed by these people. Something is always wrong. They either never have money, they are dealing with an ex, they can't seem to find a down payment for a house, their co-workers are out to get them, they are afflicted with illness... and so much more.

I think for a brief stint in my life, I was this person. About six months ago I decided to put an end to it. In December of last year I was miserable. I told my new psychiatrist that I always ruin people's lives. Instead of saying to myself, "hey everything is gonna be cool," I ended up wreaking havoc not only on my life, but on the lives of several others in my social network. Fortunately some of them were able to see that I was dealing with something only I could deal with on my own. Those wise enough left me to figure out my issues myself. Others I kept harassing to let me explain myself. Some of them only became more frustrated with me. The best advice was probably from Sarah, "it's gonna be okay." Ashley was patient and waited it out with me. She confessed to me that she was relieved when I snapped out of it. It took me about 3 months to consistently tell myself over and over, "it's gonna be okay. You will get out of this funk." Through my tears and self hatred, I kept saying it... and one day in February, something clicked; I was released from the funk. I woke up one morning and stopped saying that I ruin lives. Honestly, the only life I was truly ruining was my own. I wasn't focusing on what I wanted to achieve, I was only focusing on what I believed I had lost. And what was it that I had lost? Absolutely nothing. After much reflection, it is all about what I have gained. I still have my friends (and much closer friendships they are I must admit), I still have my drive to be creative (and probably more so), I still have my life and that life is full of more achievements waiting to be met. And now I have this ability to understand my emotions and fulfill them from within myself.

But how did this constant reassurance work for me? Was it the new drugs? Partially I'm sure, but it was also faith. Not just faith in God, but faith in everything. I decided to take my drugs without fail as the doctor ordered. I decided that I would work with my therapist to see what was causing these feelings of unworthiness. I looked at myself everyday in the mirror and told myself to be patient... that I would be okay. I talked to my father, my mother, my sisters, my friends. I did everything I could to get back to where I needed to be. I was consistent in my efforts to be well, and then it happened. I put my running shoes on one evening and even though it was freezing outside, I went for a run. When I run I feel like I become one with the earth, one with my world. Another day I picked up my camera and took a picture. My camera allows me to capture the world of which I am one with. I looked at people differently, I felt differently about the way the universe works, and I realized that I had created these feelings of wholeness by myself. I was faithful and diligent in my quest to find what fulfills me.

I wouldn't say that I am completely one hundred percent there. Maybe 80% and getting closer.

And this brings me to what I have been doing to keep the positive aspects of my life in motion. I always use affirmative words and try hard to keep negative words out of my vocabulary. I strive to keep my comments positive. Complaining about our situations is the first way to make our situations even more negative. If I have difficulty trying to figure out how to do something, I remain positive and steadfast in my quest to find a solution. It may take me a while, but if I remain confident that I will accomplish what I need, then shit, I'll accomplish it.

I will admit that it is often hard to be positive at all times. I tell the girls at work that I feel like I am constantly playing Devil's Advocate. I strive to keep myself from falling into the abyss of negativity. At times I do backslide, but I attempt to bring myself back up to the surface for a breath of positivity. It's the only way I think that I will be able to remain uplifted and chaos free.

My hope and my prayers are that we can all find the good in our lives and continue to aspire towards happiness and contentment. It's hard work, but attainable. I believe it and I have to continue to believe it to make it true.

Peace friends...