A Risk of Faith

Before I begin this blog, I'd like to say how much I appreciate my Father's wisdom and advice. I used to be so stubborn when he would talk to me, I felt like he was trying to run my life.  Now I understand that he was trying to help me in my decisions.  I know now that if I want solid advice, then I can turn to him.  This man, that I call Papi is amazing.  I love him so much and this blog is a thank you to him. Papi, eres mi heroe!  Me da orgullo decir que eres mi padre.  Gracias por todo.  Tu hija para siempre...Angie

I have always been a stubborn person. I have always liked to make my own decisions and create my own paths.  Like Robert Frost's poem, I like to take the road less travelled.  Almost a year ago, I let somebody into my life after I had made the decision to go to France.  You've all probably read a part of my blogs and know that I kind of regret the decision of going to France. Although, I think the real poor decision was bringing somebody into my life.  But that is a decision I have to live with now and I may regret the things that I did after I came back, but I am NOT sorry for my actions.  I recently read this scripture in church and realized that I was searching for mercy, I made a cry for help.

Psalm 130 

Help, God—the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help! 

   Listen hard! Open your ears! 

      Listen to my cries for mercy. 

 ^3-4 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings, 

      who would stand a chance? 

   As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, 

      and that's why you're worshiped. 

 ^5-6 I pray to God—my life a prayer— 

      and wait for what he'll say and do. 

   My life's on the line before God, my Lord, 

      waiting and watching till morning.

I looked for mercy in another falliable human being, and found shame and disdain.  I had been going to church to find a way out of my misery and one day my mind shifted, I had to cry out.  I still found reproach, but within me I found release, I found peace.  Because of my steadfast belief in my God, I was able to live with my irrational decision to ask a another human for mercy that couldn't be given.  Through my cry, I believe God gave me that mercy.  He gave me what no other human could have given me.  

Five months later I find myself at another crossroads.  I'm fully functional and rational this time and I was able to ask my father for advice.  I think through my cry, God was able to give me insight into the trust I could put into my Father.  I have never felt closer to my Papi, as I do now. 

My heart has been in two places and the weight of having to make a decision as to where I should place it fully has conflicted me. By not making a choice I stand the chance of not just hurting others, but in the process myself. I tell myself that I am okay with functioning like this, but much to my surprise, my Father knows me better than I thought he did.  He understands my love of people and my desire to hurt no one.  He knows I don't like conflict, and that I am the only one that can resolve it. He quite simply told me, you have to make a choice. The longer I wait, the more it tears my heart, the more it stresses my thoughts, the more it keeps me conflicted.  So, before I create drama for myself, I must make a choice.  Both paths have been well travelled, but not by me.  Everybody comes to this crossroads, do I stick with what I know to be safe, or do I take a risk?

My heart may take a beating if I take the road less travelled, but I know that my trust in my father and my trust in God will allow me to heal again.  It is a risk, but I have faith that I will come out unscathed on the other side. 

Our choices are not always black or white, the gray area is sometimes more prevalent. 

For me I think I will take the road less travelled.....

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I hope Robert Frost is right....

A Risk of Faith Part 2

This summer I came to a crossroads, I asked my father for advice and he gave it. Despite the wisdom he shared with me, both choices would have not been the right one.

This weekend I had to make one of the hardest choices I think I will ever have to make in my life. I had to say goodbye for a short while to a friend who I have grown incredibly close to. This decision has torn at my heart and it took me two days to finally act on it. I did NOT want to, but I HAD to. In the process I feel heartless and uncaring, but the truth of the matter is that I do care enormously and probably more than I should. I want nothing, but to be there for this person as he/she travels through a difficult journey. But my brain is what I must listen to. So many times I have just gone with my feelings and what is instantly gratifying, and this time is no different. I want SO very badly to give the entirety of my heart to this person, but it's not my place to do it right now. I feel that if my presence was there, a decision would be made because of me and as much as I want this person to be close to me, I cannot with good conscience do it. I don't want my presence to influence a course of life that could potentially hurt someone. I don't want that ultimate resentment hanging over anybody.

So I leave behind somebody temporarily who I do not want to, but I do it out of love. I'm taking a risk in faith that everything will happen as it is supposed to. I cry out to God to see us through. I want to cry out to God for so many things to transpire, but for my wants and desires I do ask Him this time. I leave the decision in His hands. It's the only option.

I believe I HAVE made the right choice, but it has been the most agonizing choice to I have had to take.

What is Faith?

According to the Oxford Dictionary it is,

1. a complete trust or confidence,
2. a strong belief in a religion,
3. a system of religious belief

The word faith began its use in the English language during the 13th Century, and originates from the Old French word feid, and in Latin fide.  It basically means putting your trust into something.  Its historical attachment to the definition,"believing without questioning" is not entirely known and my quest is to find out, so stay tuned as I begin this new adventure.  

Trusting is a term I can identify with.  Many people will say to "trust your gut instinct," and I find that if I adhere to that rule, then I can understand the meaning of faith the way it is applied in modern language.  

I recently sent an e-mail from one of my Muslim friends about the importance of Allah.  I related in my e-mail that I believed that the Christian/Jewish God and Allah are one in the same, but just worshiped differently.  I also maintained that the message that my friend forwarded to me was Universal.  It talked of our relationships with each other and that throughout the world we are all connected to this Supreme Being.  The e-mail spoke of the importance of loving one another and being One with God.  I thought it was a great message and one that we can all relate to regardless of our beliefs. Even, atheists I think can see the importance of being a human race ultimately looking to love one another and live within a world of peace. Those who don't see the importance of the words...are crazy!

I received an e-mail reply from a cousin of mine who disputed the words in the e-mail because he doesn't believe that Allah and God are the same.  I've had the conversation with him before about the Trinity and that you must believe in Jesus as the Messiah in order to be in communion with God.  He says that Jesus is the same as God.  I've often had trouble understanding the Trinity because in the Bible, Jesus himself says that he is the Son of God.  I haven't read the Bible extensively, so I don't know where it says that Jesus says He is God.  I can understand God in the flesh, but that could mean many different things.  I believe that Jesus' soul was His own, but he inherited the ability to be in communion on a higher level with the Great Almighty because he was the Son of God.  And the other thing that makes me question the Trinity is the fact that it was at the Council of Nicaea in 325 CE, convened by Mr. Emperor Constantine himself, where it was decided upon.  Not only was the Trinity decided upon there, but so were the creeds and doctrines of Christianity.  I argued this point, and I was told, "sometimes it's just about having faith."  SAY WHAT?  

So, that's when I decided to investigate the word faith a little bit.  But the word faith changes in definition as do many words throughout time, so believing without questioning is not an option for me.  I am a firm believer that God gave us brains to USE.  When I question the mysteries of the religion I choose to follow, then I find I am doing a service to God.  He gave me the ability to reason and to think, and what's so wrong about that?  Many will say that reasoning will, the majority of the time lead to falsehoods, but here's what I think, if I get it wrong, then shit, at least I tried to understand.  I'd say that's going a little bit further than just believing to gain acceptance into heaven.

I find it SO easy to say, I believe in God because I have faith.  I find it SO easy to say, I don't believe in God because it just doesn't make sense. What that says to me is you really didn't think about it. You just accepted it because it was easy.  I believe in God because I have researched. If you want to know about my belief, check out the blog in which I wrote about it back in February.  It's long, complicated, and more philosophical and scientific than I care to write about right now.  I hate to say this, but I believe the majority of atheists have a better reason for not believing than most Christians who believe do.  I admit, I spent about four years of my life as an atheist, but I never gave up searching for what I consider truth.  Through my reading, my studying, I eventually found a reason to believe in God. Through my studying, I have gained a greater understanding than I could have ever fathomed, and my believe grows stronger with each day.  Occasionally my belief wanes, but these moments ultimately motivate me to continue my search

When it comes to "faith," I guess mine is a little lax. To me though, believing in the Good News brought to us by Jesus is the most important aspect of Christianity that I can accept.  I believe we are here to love one another.  I think, that even though we are still a warring world, I believe there is an underlying theme to humanity, to live in Communion with EACH OTHER and ultimately with God.  

Please God, Please God, Please God, Please God, Please God, Please God, Please God. In so many times that you have brought me comfort, I need You now more than ever. This isn't because I have left your side, it's because I have taken every faith in you to become a whole person. I am whole, I am whole, I am whole, but without your strength I am nothing. I cry out to you to help me. I cry out to you to make my life good. There is no one I take faith in more than you You, but why have you brought me such happiness just to take it away. Have I not been tested enough? Have I not withstood enough. I have followed the path of righteousness, I have been good. I've followed my heart in the way I best know You think I should. I don't believe you have forsaken me, but I cry out to you like I've never cried out.

Please God, I pray for your strength cuz I have none left. I need to be whole.

A Chaos-Free Life

Have you ever known somebody who always seems to attract negativity and chaos into their lives? I am often perplexed by these people. Something is always wrong. They either never have money, they are dealing with an ex, they can't seem to find a down payment for a house, their co-workers are out to get them, they are afflicted with illness... and so much more.

I think for a brief stint in my life, I was this person. About six months ago I decided to put an end to it. In December of last year I was miserable. I told my new psychiatrist that I always ruin people's lives. Instead of saying to myself, "hey everything is gonna be cool," I ended up wreaking havoc not only on my life, but on the lives of several others in my social network. Fortunately some of them were able to see that I was dealing with something only I could deal with on my own. Those wise enough left me to figure out my issues myself. Others I kept harassing to let me explain myself. Some of them only became more frustrated with me. The best advice was probably from Sarah, "it's gonna be okay." Ashley was patient and waited it out with me. She confessed to me that she was relieved when I snapped out of it. It took me about 3 months to consistently tell myself over and over, "it's gonna be okay. You will get out of this funk." Through my tears and self hatred, I kept saying it... and one day in February, something clicked; I was released from the funk. I woke up one morning and stopped saying that I ruin lives. Honestly, the only life I was truly ruining was my own. I wasn't focusing on what I wanted to achieve, I was only focusing on what I believed I had lost. And what was it that I had lost? Absolutely nothing. After much reflection, it is all about what I have gained. I still have my friends (and much closer friendships they are I must admit), I still have my drive to be creative (and probably more so), I still have my life and that life is full of more achievements waiting to be met. And now I have this ability to understand my emotions and fulfill them from within myself.

But how did this constant reassurance work for me? Was it the new drugs? Partially I'm sure, but it was also faith. Not just faith in God, but faith in everything. I decided to take my drugs without fail as the doctor ordered. I decided that I would work with my therapist to see what was causing these feelings of unworthiness. I looked at myself everyday in the mirror and told myself to be patient... that I would be okay. I talked to my father, my mother, my sisters, my friends. I did everything I could to get back to where I needed to be. I was consistent in my efforts to be well, and then it happened. I put my running shoes on one evening and even though it was freezing outside, I went for a run. When I run I feel like I become one with the earth, one with my world. Another day I picked up my camera and took a picture. My camera allows me to capture the world of which I am one with. I looked at people differently, I felt differently about the way the universe works, and I realized that I had created these feelings of wholeness by myself. I was faithful and diligent in my quest to find what fulfills me.

I wouldn't say that I am completely one hundred percent there. Maybe 80% and getting closer.

And this brings me to what I have been doing to keep the positive aspects of my life in motion. I always use affirmative words and try hard to keep negative words out of my vocabulary. I strive to keep my comments positive. Complaining about our situations is the first way to make our situations even more negative. If I have difficulty trying to figure out how to do something, I remain positive and steadfast in my quest to find a solution. It may take me a while, but if I remain confident that I will accomplish what I need, then shit, I'll accomplish it.

I will admit that it is often hard to be positive at all times. I tell the girls at work that I feel like I am constantly playing Devil's Advocate. I strive to keep myself from falling into the abyss of negativity. At times I do backslide, but I attempt to bring myself back up to the surface for a breath of positivity. It's the only way I think that I will be able to remain uplifted and chaos free.

My hope and my prayers are that we can all find the good in our lives and continue to aspire towards happiness and contentment. It's hard work, but attainable. I believe it and I have to continue to believe it to make it true.

Peace friends...

Icing on the cake

This one is a dandy.  So much to say, so little time. I'm gonna be busy for the next few days. Ugh.

One month and one week

It has been one month and one week since I have been back from France and life is pretty fucking shitty right now.  I've learned that I am a slave to anti-depressants and will probably have to be for a while.  It's either that or continuing destructive cycles that make me hate myself.  I think I'm pretty awesome, but for some reason there is this overwhelming voice in my head that sometimes tells me quite convincingly that I'm unworthy.  And when I try to give myself a reason to be in pain, there's a tiny voice saying, you don't want to do this to yourself.  I wish that voice was stronger.  I think though with the current situation I've recently found myself in, that voice will get stronger.  I have to let it become stronger, otherwise I won't survive, and that's what I want. I want to be healthy and to survive. 

I've also learned that I don't find fiction to be as exciting to read as I used to.  Don't get me wrong, I loved "Twilight," how could any girl not love Edward, or want Edward.  He's so sexy, and I haven't even seen the movie yet.  So, aside from "Twilight," I find fiction to be very lame.  I'm into reading non-fiction right now. I figure if I'm going to read something, I should learn something.  I guess fiction is a nice way to escape into your imagination, but right now I want what's real. 

Also, I've been in bed the past two days sick, I did go to both of my doctor appointments yesterday, but I was sick with flu-like symptoms.  While I've been in bed, I have not turned on my t.v, more than once.  Right now, I find T.V. to be very boring.  My crazy brain has been keeping me pretty busy though, so the nonsense on the tube is not that exciting.  

So, this whole blog is a downer and I'm sorry for that.  But these are the few things that I have learned recently.  Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.