You Generate a lot of Your Own Drama

And I'd say most people do it too. I don't think I'm the only one guilty of this.

I don't particularly have any drama going on right now other than in my head.  Last week I helped a friend out and I got to thinking, my depression really comes from not being good at relationships.  I work so hard to be good at everything else I do, that I shy away from recognizing what I should or should not do in them. I wish I was sixteen again where all I cared about was making out with a hot boy and going on to the next one. I did want a boyfriend like everyone else, but it was more about the making out!

I don't know why in the past several years my approach to a relationship has been a "pins & needles" situation. Maybe I never learned anything in those few little bouts of relationships I had during my late teens and early twenties.  I'm 32 now, and I think I'm just desperate now.  I met a guy once who was so great, so amazing, and so unavailable. He was the guy for me, definitely, but I screwed it up. I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to be needed. He needed me for a brief time, but gave up on me when I couldn't deal with the fact that he needed to be by himself. I wanted to be the good person, but I ended up being the torturer, the nuisance. I brought it on myself, I let someone in my life I shouldn't have, and since then I beat myself up for pushing away this person who could have been the right one for me.  I can't stop thinking about what I did.  We're supposed to learn from our past, but it sucks when you screwed up so bad.  I'm starting to believe that people don't really believe in second chances.  

My brain is on fire, I can't cope with the things that have happened in the past.  I don't like screwing up and when I do, it haunts me. I feel the need to rectify, to reconcile, to make it good.  I'm trying so hard to suck it up, but I don't like fucking up.

And here I am on the verge of screwing up another friendship.  I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want to let him down, but I also don't want to lead him on. Why can't it be simple? I can't ignore it this time, I have to be completely frank and say, I want to hang out with you, but I don't want to be with you. That's all there is to it, so why can't I just do that?  I don't want to jeopardize the friendship.  I know that in the long-run it will be for the best. If I don't say anything and continue to ignore it, it will definitely get bad. I don't want that, as I value the friendship more than anything.

A Break from the Blog

          It's been almost a month since my last blog and this time it was on purpose. I dedicated my life to being drama-free and I decided to just let that settle in for a bit.

          Things were going really well for about a month after the last bout of depression issues and I must say, I have never felt better.

          Hell I even got fired from my job this Monday, but I don't have any real bad feelings about it.  Okay, I do.  Even if you think I'm a liar or that I have not been completely forthright, one of the things about me is that I believe in truth and justice. Yes, just call me Superman!

          But truth and justice don't always just have to do with TELLING the truth or always doing the right thing. Manipulation is one of those things that is based in dishonesty.  I won't go into details about how I feel certain people in my former place of employment were manipulated, but people were, including my boss. The truth was presented in a skewed way to present me in a negative light. I must say that I have always been very dedicated to my job.  I have depression and there have been a few times when it REALLY did interfere with doing the best job I could.  In my heart I always felt completely horrible about the people that had to deal with my illness, or make up the slack for me.  Mental health unfortunately is not viewed in society or by the government really as an illness that is easily excused. It's not like chronic migraines or high blood pressure. These things can land you in the hospital, just as easily as deteriorating mental health. I feel that I always gave 150% when I was at work. I went above and beyond what I even expected of myself.

          I am a regular church attendee, and I believed in my place of employment so much, that I really felt like being a part of it was part of my ministry to the community.  Being an employee there meant so much more to me than just receiving an income. I liked the fact that I got paid, but that wasn't the main reason I wanted to be there.

            I saw my place of employment as a type of ministry outside the confines of a church.  I felt blessed by God to be a part of it and while I was in the building, I felt that I should be as a servant to the ones I worked for.  I tried as hard as I could to make sure my fellow employees were taken care of.  Even if they came for my assistance 5 minutes before I was scheduled to leave, I did my best to assist them. I don't an award for this, but I think I deserved more from my employer.

          Unfortunately there are mishaps and miscommunication that occur within the workplace.  The work of evil is always present, the devil will try to misguide you, push you off the path.  When evil showed itself at work, I took what measures I had to in order to protect myself. I kept more to myself and did not associate with my immediate co-workers as much. I couldn't, I had to keep myself safe.  But you know what they say, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.  It's hard to do that though.  When I found myself in a triangle of manipulation and false accusations, I went to the one person who I had trusted above anybody else.   But I was betrayed.  I know I messed up just like any other person, but I gave my heart to this place.

          A lot of people have told me that it was just a job, that I would find another one. I don't doubt my abilities at all. But I believed in this place, I believed in our Director more than anyone else. I embraced our mission statement, "making lives easier, healthier, happier." It's not hard to uphold those three objectives, and I embraced the presence and compassion we brought to the community. And that community involved my co-workers. This was not just a place of employment for me, this was were I could carry out Christian ministry in my community.