My Grandpa is 85 Today!

Say what?!?!?!? I have many thoughts on this, be patient!

You're so Stupid

Gotcha! You're not really stupid, but I've been having this issue with intelligence lately.

I hate to say this, but I don't come from relatively smart parents. My mother is the more intelligent of the two of my gene donors, but she's not all that book smart. Because of them, I think that's why I've had this crazy obsession with doing really well in school. I worked so hard on my degrees that at times I might have over-stressed myself. I wanted to be perfect.

(No offense Mommy, I'm getting to the point where I praise you for your smartness. Actually I'll just say it here, you are so smart from keeping me protected when I was little from you know who. I can only imagine what kind of life I would have had, had he been a part of it. Although Papi wasn't perfect, I thank God you found him to give me a good life. I mean, seriously, not every child gets to experience culture in the way I did growing up. Thank you soooo much for loving me to your fullest capacity)

Okay, here goes. I got a 17 on the ACT because I just don't understand those types of tests. I went to a community college because I didn't want to have to do better. The ACT was stressful and I didn't want to put myself through it again. Based on those scores I had to take placement testing. Because I understand the concepts of Algebra and I can read and write very well, I was placed in college level courses. I never had to take the preparatory level classes thankfully. Owing to my fear of standardized tests, I have been hesitant to apply to graduate school because I don't want to take the GRE. When I see a comparison question, (ie. this is to this, as that is to that) I flip out a little bit and whatever intelligence is there, goes right out the window. Dr. Wynkoop (my most beloved professor) is always encouraging me to get my Masters in History, but I can't bring myself to take the test. I asked her how much Grad Schools actually look at the scores and she admitted that they base their decision largely on it. DAMN!!! I guess if I really want to go to Grad School, I will take the GRE classes and then take the test. Ugh. Those tests are used to evaluate students to see if they will achieve in college. According to my score, I should not have done well at all. My college career according to the statistics would have me dropping out of college. They aren't the fairest of tests in judging intelligence, but they are what they are. They serve a purpose I suppose.

I'm going to come right out and say this, I am a VERY smart person. I absorb almost anything I read. I can take one text and contextualize it with another without batting an eye. I can come up with a marketing idea for work without much effort. I can figure out how to do things in a simple and efficient manner. (I feel like I'm writing a cover letter for a job) I don't think I need to sell any of you on my intellect. What I'm getting at is that no matter how smart I am, I can still be stupid.

Everybody has the ability to be STUPID. How we deal with our ability to be stupid is where intelligence creeps in. I am a glutton for human contact. I call people, I text them, I write them letters, I want to get my point across. Generally this happens when I'm angry. Like most people, I want to have the last word. Where my intelligence goes bye bye in this context is when I don't realize when enough is enough! Okay, that's not entirely true. I realize it after I've squandered relationships. And not just male/female relationships, but those involving friendships also... even relationships with my family. It's like the rationalizing section of my brain flips to off, and I go overboard. I get sneaky, I ask questions about what that person has done... blah blah blah. Word gets back and oops, I've screwed things up.

However! This is something I'm working on. When I get to that point where I'm borderline harassing someone, I take a step back and go... oh, this is how you get in trouble. The entirety of the brain isn't used all at once and sometimes we let whatever part control emotions go haywire. At least that's the part I let get away from me. And when I've realized the wrong I've done to other people, I feel stupid. It's not like it's going to dominate my life though or make me think that I'm a lesser person, it just sometimes makes me feel awkward. If you ever saw me, you'd think, now there's a girl that has her shit together. However, sometimes that "shit hits the fan." Being completely in control of yourself is a hard task to take on, but because I have a high capacity of intellect, I know that one day, I'll have my shit together 99.9% of the time.

What about you? What do you do that's stupid?

Joe being Joe... a Happy Kid.
King of the fallen tree.Joe and Alicia


Joe was probably one of the coolest kids to walk the face of the planet.

You will be forever missed.
We'll always remember to live the good life! Fly with the Angels....

Settling and Being Emotionally Mature

My most recent gmail status says, "I'm an extremist. I like to have a lot of fun, but I can also be very serious. My emotional capacity is large." And if you don't like it, FUCK OFF!

I wrote that and have been thinking all day about my situation. I'm not in any bad situation. I'm enjoying my life. I'm doing all the things that I like to do and I'm pretty confident that I'm good at what I'm doing. There is only one part of my life that seems to always end up going awry, my thinking.

One of my favorite quotes is from Ayn Rand's novel, Atlas Shrugged, and it here it is:

"i like to think of fire held in a man's hand.

fire, a dangerous force, tamed at his fingertips.

i often wonder about the hours when a man sits alone,

watching the smoke of a cigarette, thinking.

i wonder what great things have come from such hours.

when a man thinks, there is a spot of fire alive in his mind--

and it is proper that he should have the burning point of a cigarette

as his one expression."

I love this quote because, even though I am not a man, it is how I view myself. My brain is constantly on fire, analyzing ways to do things better, how to be more creative, figuring out how people think, learning how my own mind works and what is behind my thought processes. Unfortunately my thinking turns others away and often leaves me feeling rejected. I think so often to myself, what the hell did I do? And of course, like everything else! this leads me to think of my past relationships with people, especially men of course. Just a side note, I don't talk a lot about my girlfriends because for the most part I have NO problems communicating with them. I think I'm very lucky to have found women in my life who I can relate to and who don't take their thinking brains for granted. My closest friends (you know who you are girls) are incredibly intelligent, confident and beautiful women. That's not to say that occasionally they don't have moments of confusion and emotional hang-ups. What's great about them, is that they are like me, in tune and capable of dealing with whatever challenges that arise. And I don't think they are necessarily lucky to be with the men they are with, they are fortunate to have found the ones that are equally emotionally available and who understand that relationships take time to grow. They understand that relationships don't just happen, and are able to grow with the women they are with.

So, where am I going with this you ask. Well here goes: Two men that I have dated in the past have told me during our breakups that they didn't want to settle. I'll admit, to hear those words hurts and it stings deep down. It has made me feel like, "what the fuck is wrong with me?" I've done a lot of thinking about this, and guess what? Nothing is wrong with me, something is wrong with YOU! So, I'm not emotionally stable ALL the time! BIG DEAL! Nobody is. The reason that you think you're settling is because you don't have a clue as to how to deal with a woman who thinks. A girl who has the occasional emotional setback isn't repellant, she's just trying to figure out what's going on in her brain. What many men don't realize, is that once she gets out of her funk, she's usually a MUCH stronger person. A man that is frightened by a woman who has emotions and the capacity to think them through, is the one who is emotionally IMMATURE. A woman who finds herself dealing with a man who can't just say, "hey, it's gonna be cool" and let her figure it out, should turn the other way and run; and run fast.

What's unfortunate is that the world is full of unworthy men who think they are the shit! And the one that told me that he didn't want to date me because I have too many opinions and theories, I say good luck with finding your ideal stupid housewife! I have a brain and by God, I'm going to use it! Thank you Ayn Rand for being a thinking, intelligent woman during a time when women were just supposed to be at a man's ever whim.