The Missing Piece

It was a missing piece,

And it was not happy.

So it set off in search

of its missing piece.

And as it rolled

It sang this song-

Oh, I'm looking for my missin' piece

I'm lookin' for my missin' piece

Hi-dee-ho, here I go,

Lookin' for my missin' piece.

In 2003, I was 24 years old I met a boy by the name of Scott. Scott was a boy like I had never known. Our attraction to each other was sudden and spontaneous. Every waking hour we weren't at work was spent together. Our passion for each other was intense, it felt so right, but like all intensely burning fires, it died quickly. For the first time I had allowed myself to fall for somebody so completely that I ended up losing myself. Meredith gave me Shel Silverstein's short story, "The Missing Piece" when Scott and I broke up. The Missing Piece was not happy and went looking for another to make him whole. A simple story really, but so simple a 24 year old completely missed the point. My relationships before Scott were superficial in nature and when I found this person I could lose myself in, I guess I went searching for that missing piece. He wasn't my missing piece and for the first time I thought a break-up could possibly be the end of me. I didn't understand this intense feeling of emptiness and after a much chaotic stretched out break-up, I turned my back and said I'd hate him forever. I thought I'd never find another one. Luckily Scott forgave me and we are now friends, and I'm excited that he has found a girl he wants to commit to for life. So, on I rolled looking for that missing piece.

Merely a year later, I met the man who I sincerely thought would be the answer to my emptiness. Was Graham the missing piece to my puzzling life? I was so desperate for a match that I took him on. The Graham story is long and complicated and not worth hashing about. If I found myself lost in Scott, I definitely lost my soul in Graham. I did things I would have never dreamed imaginable. If you want to know this story ask me, but he was definitely not the missing piece. To find myself again I had to take drastic measures and move to Florida so my mother could protect and care for me. For the first time I found myself in the grips of an ugly depression that wanted to rip my soul from my body. I knew I didn't want to feel this way and I was angry with him for close to two years for destroying me. But luckily I forgave myself and set out to rebuild myself. But my rebuilding wasn't for me, but to prove to all that I was an intelligent and worthy individual. In the nearly four years that he and I broke up, I did do myself a favor and actually learned many things about my world and set out to discover them. (Read my Angie in Egypt blog for that) Graham was never and could never be my missing piece.

Graham and I broke up on November 1st, 2004. Four years later during the summer of 2008, I was finding myself and was so close to discovering where exactly my missing piece was. I have dated many guys over the past four years and have been quite selective and picky because I know I deserve somebody good. Right before I was to leave for France, I met one. He seemed so right and for the first time I was being true to myself and flicking away the others. But I left for France to prove that I was self-reliant, bold, brave, determined. Okay, I am a very determined preson, but sometimes one must loosen those strengths they may feel obligated to portray and really challenge their weaknesses and fight them to the death. I should have stayed to continue working on myself. Instead I turned my back on me to impress and gain the approval of somebody that I never thought accepted me: my Dad. So here I am, at the end of 2008 feeling like I have failed myself and jeopardized my happiness. Okay, that feeling was so three days ago.

As you may well imagine, I see a therapist. After I revealed my broken self to this good guy I had met, who I felt I needed to be a perfect version of myself so that I could gain HIS acceptance, he left me. He wasn't the missing piece that I've been so desperately searching for. It's okay though, nobody can fill the void and heal a broken person except the one who is broken. And finally, Saturday night it came to me. Everything my therapist had talked about, made complete sense. I knew it would eventually. My anger and my emptiness stems from my lack of having a father. I have a Dad, a "Papi" as we call him, but I never felt that I was truly a part of this family that we became when I was five. I have a new favorite quote, "A child should never have to gain his or her parent's respect, he or she should automatically have it." Amen! I've been angry with my mother, my Papi, and most of all my biological father. So, I took the step I felt was necessary. I did a People Search, paid $39.95 for a phone number, and called. When I heard his voice on the other line for the first time in 15 years, I felt instant relief. I cried to him about why he left and by the time the conversation ended I knew that my mother only wanted a good life for me and kept him and his influence out. Had he been a part of it, I would probably be missing an even larger piece of my life. The weight I felt I had been carrying for years lifted. I found a new respect for my mother and for my Papi. He may not have been the best step-dad, but I know that he did the best he knew how.

SELF-Fulfillment is what Silverstein's short story is about and I feel it now. It resonates within my soul. I am alone right now and I feel fine. I feel free. Forgiveness is powerful. Not only does it set the ones who have hurt you free, but even more, the one who does the forgiving.

My "father" and I went to Wendy's last night for dinner and sat face to face for the first time ever and had a conversation. He told the cashier up front, "this is my daughter." I was kind of embarrassed, but at that moment I realized that without even knowing me, he loved me, and that he was proud of me. He didn't even have to try. It's not that I am seeking his approval because he is a complicated man with a troubled past. I thank my mother for helping me become the person that I am, for having the wisdom for not letting him in my life, for seeing that I am so worthy of a wonderful life. I love so many people and I will always want to serve others in a loving way (not like a slave). I have this feeling in my heart that I am okay and that I am a great person. I've accomplished so much for myself while all the while being very much afraid of the world. I feel like I can go on and live out the purpose of my life, whatever it may be. I don't feel imprisoned by my feelings and my inadequacies any more. I am free to be imperfect. I am free to be me.....

.....I am my missing piece.

Check out Silverstein's short story here:

The Missing Piece by Shel Silverstein

Making History

On August 28th, 1963 Martin Luther King made his historic "I Have a Dream Speech," five years later on March 29th, 1968, King was assassinated for his dream.  Forty years later, racism still lingers in our country, but today Americans voted for a change.  That change comes from an African American.  Not only will our country hopefully move in a different direction, but we have made history.  We have made a definite leap into fulfilling the dream that one day all men (and women) are INDEED created equal. 

We are living up to our forefather's foundation, "all men are created equal." With Senator Obama's nomination as the United States of America's 44th President, there is a hope for us to become just that, equal.  

The World Does Not Revolve Around Me

Or does it?

Earlier today I talked to my friend Jason and he told me that he had an argument with a friend of his.  I won't go into details, as I don't really know them all, but I know it ended with his friend saying, "you know, the world doesn't revolve around you."  Jason's response was, "I know, but it kind of does because the actions that I take in my life directly affect me and others around me."  I'm not sure if he said this exactly like that, but to me it's a pretty wise statement.  

I was just checking my facebook account and a friend of mine wrote a "note" that stated that everybody is out for themselves.  It was a rather disconnected and stilted note, but the gist of it was that we have to look out for number one. Some would argue that we should really keep in mind those around us.  And I agree for the most part with that, but in all reality the only people that we can change are ourselves.  I had a boyfriend about 4 years ago who I really wanted to stop smoking marijuana. I would argue with him that I didn't want him to do it.  The decision he made to smoke had nothing to do for me and there was nothing in this world that I could do to make him stop.  If he wanted to stop, the change would have to come from him.  I don't know if he still smokes, but I hope not.  Nothing I can do about it though.

And you know that show "Intervention?" I think trying to get somebody to stop abusing their bodies with drugs and alcohol is a very noble act...but! (disconjointed sentence, sorry) the will to stop using comes from within.  My mother used to be a heavy smoker and we all used to scorn her for it.  She quit when I was about 15 years old and didn't tell anybody.  It took us all about 2 or 3 months to figure out that she had stopped.  This was something she wanted, and she did it.  Change comes from within.  

Today after I read my friend's note, I wrote back to him: 

"When it comes right down to it, you must always look out for yourself.  The only things you can change about life, are the things about you.  You can't change others and they can't change you.  Change comes from within.  If you want to set a goal for yourself, only you can make the goal a reality. Kind of like you said..." "'...the world does revolve around me because my actions affect my world.'  Pretty cool huh?  So, we are basically our own little solar systems and we have to make decisions for ourselves and see what happens from there.  I'd say the one thing that matters most after we look after ourselves is whether we affect others.  Do our actions create consequences for others?  I think when we do take action with our lives, we should make sure they are wise ones for ourselves and take into consideration whether they will have a negative or positive impact on those around us. I think most of the time we should do things that don't hurt others.  Unfortunately we are human, and therefore fallible.  We make mistakes and sometimes we hurt others.  I think most of the time, our hurting is often caused by mistakes.  Those that intentionally hurt others should be loosed from our lives if we want to live healthy lives."

So, thank you to Jason and thank you to Paul for your wisdom in assisting me to learn a little bit more today.  The world does revolve around each of us.  We only have the power to change ourselves.  I guess that's what the Serenity Prayer is all about.  I'll add it here for effect:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.  

Enjoy! And AMEN!!!!

French Cuisine

So I know this blog isn't about my trip to France, but I have learned something very valuable from the French, how to make rich food.  Olive oil, lots of onions, and even more garlic.  French women are not fat and I'm not sure why because the foods, when done in the REAL French way, are artery clogging nightmares.  I'm not sure how I plan on losing weight in this country when all I do is eat food saturated in oil. Oh well, c'est la vie.  I think I MAY go on a run today!  Oh la la!

Parking lots in South Florida

There are a lot of people in South Florida and they all drive. Everything is far away and walking is simply not an option. And what about buses? I don't see any buses. I guess I could ride a bike, but the rides are along long roads and are flat, flat, flat. Okay, it'd be easy. My point is there are too many people down here and you can tell because every parking lot is always full and the stores are always busy. I tell you what, it's CRAZY! I could not live here. I bet the cemeteries are super full too. Ugh!

Running in South Florida

Running in Florida sucks.  I generally run anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and today I ran exactly 24 minutes.  It's gets muggy in Kansas City too, but I guess I wasn't prepared for the moisture to engulf my lungs.  I felt like my day was worthwhile though.  I spent most of it feeling sorry for myself because I'm leaving in a few days to France.  Yeah, woe is me...but if you want to know why I feel this way check out my other blog:

angieinfrance.blogspot.com

Reconciliation

This is about a boy and if you found this, maybe you can read it

One day I'll put it here...maybe

Yeah...it's about Jason.  Still not willing to put it here. 11/17/08...peace!

Regrets

I often hear people say that they don't regret anything they've done.  I don't think people are being completely honest with themselves when they say this.  We've all done things we shouldn't have.  Maybe the proper wording should be, I regret those things, but my actions have brought me to where I am today.  

When I graduated from High School, I did not have a clue as to what life would be like.  I went to college because that was the natural progression of things.  I knew that I wanted to travel to Europe, and finally twelve years later I am going to live in France for the next nine months.  I do regret things that I've made in my past. I always put work above all things.  Work has held me back from the things that I want to do. Unfortunately now, I HAVE to work.  I'm 30 years old, I should have gone to France when I was 19 and my Dad was giving me money on a monthly basis. But I chose to work almost fulltime just so I could feel the wad of cash in my pocket. I became obsessed with my money and what it could buy.  

I graduated in 1996, got a degree in Communications and then went to work.  But I have never truly enjoyed my life.  I've had a house to sleep in, friends to hang out with...things I wouldn't give up.  But my life has been stagnant and mediocre.  I decided last September after traveling to Egypt, Israel and France that I would live my life well.  However, I'm to a point where I actually want the simple things in life...like a home of my home, a husband maybe, and a kid perhaps.  Now I'm going to France for 9 months and I want something completely different for my life.  Things are beginning to take shape in my life and clarity has never been something I can relate to until now.  I'm going to France because if I don't, then I will regret it.  I'm tired of living a life of regrets, so even if this means sacrificing a potential love and successful future (as far as doing what I want with my life) I have to do it. I don't ever ever ever want to find myself in the what-ifs.  So far life has turned out like that, and this time I won't settle for mediocrity.  

Joe went with the wind in search of what possibilities life could offer.  He may have never travelled the world, but he wasn't afraid to leave behind those that had been in his life.  I think he probably knew deep down that people and opportunities don't really go away. It's how we as individuals maintain and create those possibilities.  I want to go to France and I will go but I will always keep those that I love and the dreams for my future alive and burning in my mind.  People are always saying, hey, you may not ever come back. You may love it so much that you stay.  My life here has barely begun and I see now what I want and it is here. I know I can't predict how I'll feel about France, but I do know for now that I want to come home.  We can take up residence anywhere, but I know where home is.  For some reason, it's right here in Kansas City!

  

To forgive

Okay, so I learned the meaning of forgiveness a few weeks ago. I relearned it again during Vacation Bible School. One of our "Be" Attitudes was forgiveness. So I thought I'd write about that today. It means to set free. It's so simple, but in order for forgiveness to work, you have to forgive always. Not seven times, not a hundred, but always. I think I have forgiven anybody that has ever done me wrong in anyway shape or form. Even the criminals who broke into my car! My grandpa told me I was taking the whole situation very matter of factly. I take that as a compliment because I don't see the situation as worth getting angry about. I am saddened though that the rings that were in my wallet are now gone forever. They had such significance to me. The peridot (my birthstone ring) was given to me by my aunt Julie on my sixteenth birthday. I used to wear it when I dressed up, but since she died I've worn it about 90% of the time. It was a constant reminder of her and her awesomeness. The other ring was a cheap little angel ring that my mom gave to me and my sisters and cousins when Julie died. So, I had two rings from two very loving women. I think now, I will have Julie's name tattooed on my right hand and my mothers on my left. These two women are the most important ladies I have ever had the priviledge of knowing and loving.

Even though I won't have these two rings ever again, I will always have the memories of them and what a great role they played in my life. The rings and the women! And I forgive whoever it was that wanted my forty dollars. I hope they bought something good.

AMEN!!!

Sundays...

A day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about Joe....my mother posted some pictures on her myspace of him that she found. What is crazy is that, three of them were pictures that I took and had been wondering about. They are from the last day and night that I ever saw Joe. I just can't tonight....it's too sad.

Today....

Today I went onto Joe's myspace page today and it gave me the chills. Thinking of death often does that. I get this empty and scary feeling in my stomach and I think I'm going to pass out. Seeing the last time he logged in will probably remain forever etched in my brain 06/16/08, just a week before his 22nd birthday. He'll never log on, he'll never call anybody on the phone, and he'll never send a text message to his friends. It's so finite to us who remain behind. The majority of us will grow very old and die when we've accomplished a wealth of achievements. But Joe doesn't get to do that and I think that's what makes all of us so upset.

What I learned today though is that I think people get to the end and accept the fact and just say "check please." They may be afraid, but I think they realize that their lives have reached their potential and they're satisfied with what is ultimately going to happen. I often think, "oh I have so much I have to do still," I can't die yet. I have to fill up my days and be successful and productive. I think many of us do that instead of really living. We must really live...as if we were going to die tomorrow, so that when death comes to us we may be afraid, but ready to go. I was talking to my sister Alex either right before Joe died, or right after and she was crying, "he didn't get to meet his potential." To those of us that are healthy and able to outlive those who die young, we see it as a huge disadvantage. Who are we to determine what each individuals potential is? Maybe Joe didn't finish school because his time on this earth was going to be short. Maybe he never had a steady job because he was too busy enjoying life. For the rest of us, we have to find jobs, go to school because we have to make it through a long life that will take years to be fullfilled. Joe's life was full I think and he didn't need everything that the rest of us need.

Joe moved to Tampa to live with his mother and he was going to go back to school. During the first week of school he was diagnosed with the cancer. He lived in a city with a major cancer institute and he was put on his mother's health insurance when he decided to back to school. Alicia thinks its unique and probably more than just coincidence. I think so too.

I did nothing today...I went to work, made some money so I can go to France. Came home, took a nap, had dinner and now I'm watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Hugh Hefner. Should I be cramming my day with friends right now or should I be enjoying this relaxing moment? Maybe living life as if you were to die tomorrow is just enjoying each day. I think that's it. As unproductive as I feel, this is great! I'd really like a caramel sundae from McDonald's, but that'll make me feel like crap. Then I'd regret my day. Don't think I'll do that.

And I've learned...learning is a constant. I want to remember everyday what I've learned...goodnight!

The first lesson

I think for the most part today I lived like I were to die tomorrow. I talked to my sisters and my Mom. I went to church and really understood and connected with the scripture. It was the parable of the sower and the weeds found in Matthew Chapter 13. It prophesies the end of days and says that the evildoers will be sent to the furnaces of hell and the rightous will reach the Kingdom. Everytime we recite the Lord's prayer, we get to the part about temptation. When I feel those words cross my lips, I taste them, I inhale them, I ingest them because I don't know if succumbing to my temptations will lead me in an evil direction. I feel that I lead an awfully sin-free life, but my mind reaches that point where I have to confront what most tempts me other than chocolate and sugary things. The temptation to love somebody with my whole being. You know what I'm talking about and I won't write it out in case there are people out there who don't get the gist of my words. Is this temptation such an evil act to succumb to that one day I will spend the afterlife in hell?

Celibacy and chastity are two words that are often interchangeable in our modern language, but originally the two were completely separate from each other. Taking a vow of celibacy means to take a vow not to marry whereas taking a vow of chastity means living a sexually moral life. So, a person who takes a vow of celibacy and then has sex with somebody is still celibate. A married person who has sex with his or her spouse is maintained under the vow of chastity because sex is allowed and protected under marriage. So basically many people can say they are celibate because they aren't married.

A continent person is one who refrains from sex of any sort. SO....the Roman Catholic Priests are continent because they don't get married and they don't have sex. I could go into the history of that, but I won't. I've already learned that.

We're all told (those of us who grew up in religious households) that having sex outside of marriage is sinful, but is it really? I'm not encouraging anybody to go and sleep around with whoever. Giving oneself to another person is a huge decision and the consequences can be tremendous. However, Sex can also be beautiful and the right decision with the right person. This whole sex thing or loving somebody with your whole being really tied in with a conversation I had this evening.

Do we as humans really just want to be alone? Should we only think of ourselves, care only about our own emotions and disregard the rest? I think their are certain times in life when we truely need to be alone, to develop our thoughts without outside assistance. Then there are times when we need other people to comfort us and be near us. What's ironic is that these two needs are often presented in difficult times, such as during the passing of a loved one, and often confront each other. And most of the time they come from two or more individuals. One wants the comfort of a hug for reassurance, or just to know that he or she is not suffering alone. One wants time alone to process the information and what it all means. Then the clash of the emotions erupt into a volcanic explosion of ash and destruction. Emotions that are already deeply bruised suffer even more extreme trauma. As humans we don't think rationally when we are in pain or suffering. We scorn the other person who has so deeply offended us and push away somebody that we may need to take comfort in later on. Sometimes when our emotions are on overdrive, we need to be able to listen to the other person and express what we need. Walking off to be alone can be confusing to the person who is sharing your pain. Pushing your need for comfort on someone who needs reflection can be overbearing and suffucating. Simple words such as "I need a minute for myself," or "I need your company right now," can alleviate much unneeded extra stress.

I don't think it's correct to say, "I only care about myself." When people come together for some sort of comfort or when they need time away reflects the love that we have for each other. It demonstrates the abundance of love that encircles us all. Love isn't just an emotion that exists between brother and sister, mother or daughter and husband and wife. It exists between the girl who is in pain and the woman, who not knowing a thing about her grief, offers a tissue. Caring for others and loving all those who come into our lives is what binds us together. They say that Jesus came to earth to spread God's love and when we reach out to people in need, we are expressing and exercising that lesson.

So when we take somebody in our arms even in times of joy, God is working through us. We're never alone and being detached is a state that really doesn't exist.

So when we love somebody and we want to give ourselves over completely to another person even outside the sanctity of marriage, can that really be considered sin? Maybe it can be when we don't completely love that individual, or when we seek out only the physical desire of what we confuse to be love. God gave us emotions and bodies that experience intense sensations. To deny ourselves of all that God has given us to me would be a denial of God's gift to us as humans. Again, I'm not saying, go out, have sex with whoever. I'm saying, when you feel an all encompassing love, do not be afraid to explore its meaning. Sometimes it's as simple as holding somebody's hand during a scary movie. Or caring for a person you love who can no longer feed him or herself.

Our lives are filled with incredible emotions, but the emotion to love is what carries us through life. It is what allows us to know what fear is, what pain is, what anger is. If we didn't have love, we would be nothing. Love and oxygen are partners. Life cannot be sustained without them.

Knowing this gives me solace and makes me believe that yes, I did live today as if I were to die tomorrow, and I think I definitely learned something. I won't live forever, but this is a reminder that when death comes "knocking at my door," I will be able to proceed to the next life with those who have witnessed first hand the eduring power of love that God shows us daily through the lives of other people. Joe loved his friends deeply and I think he knew it was okay to leave us all because he knew that God had blessed him with this intense love. He awaits us now with those who are not afraid to love because they know that it is what ties us to God, what ties us together.

Love each other with all your heart, experience the joy and sadness that affect us all. Don't let the bumps in the road derail you from it for too long.

Dedicated to Joe Alabarces

Okay, now it seems I have a blog for every thought I have. This one is special because its dedicated to a young kid by the name of Joe Alabarces.

Joe was my sister Alicia's first boyfriend. He asked her out when she was 15 on a stage in the middle of the mall, in front of probably hundreds of people. I wasn't there, but I could imagine what it was like. For a boy of 16, he wasn't afraid to let everybody know how he felt about this girl. My sister and Joe were lucky to have found each other. There are benefits of meeting a soulmate at such a young age and of course there are the downfalls. (I don't know if Alicia would say he was her soulmate, but I think he was)

The pros of meeting young:

1. You don't have the history of going through a horrible relationship.

2. You're innocent, you can learn what love is together.

3. Discovering your insecurities together and then conquering them.

4. Tons more I'm sure, but I'm too emotional right now for the rest.

The cons of meeting young:

1. You're not mature enough to recognize your differences and your uniqueness of being individuals in a relationship.

2. Not knowing how to comprise because you're so sure of yourself.

3. Not realizing that what you're going through is something so special.

Alicia and Joe met too young and broke up before they could meet their potential. But that's life...you live and you learn. But they two remained friends over the past 3 to 4 years. Although they weren't together, they loved each other. The fights and reconciliation were learning tools. I think they were too stubborn to realize how good they were together. Alex (my other sister) and I would tease Alicia that one day she would marry Joe. However, God had other plans and I think Alicia knew that deep in her heart somewhere. She would say, "no, I love Joe, but he and I are too different." I think it would have worked eventually, but I can't get stuck in the "would haves."

When Joe found out he had brain cancer, he wrote a quote in his "About Me" section on his Myspace page. It said, "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." I think that Joe probably lived his life according to this quote before he found out. Joe was a unique person that brought so much joy to all of our lives. I didn't get to know him like my sister did, but he sure was cool. He was easy to talk to and you never knew if he was being serious. Everybody that ever met him probably liked him. It was easy to click with him. Accepting him for who he was, was a cake walk.

I have battled depression for who knows how long and this little quote has impacted me so much. Thanks to Joe, I think I may approach life a little differently. I'm always so worried about how unsuccessful my life has been and that my life has been uneventful and uninspiring. My mother always tries to reassure me that it is and that I've done so many amazing things so far. I've always know that people's lives affect others so much, but I never think that my life will ever amount to much nor will it affect anybody else. But Joe's quote has made me re-evaluate what's important. This is my life, I should live it how I see fit. And I love to learn, so I should definitely continue to learn something new everyday or every minute. So I will, I'll make an effort to remember something of what I've learned everyday. Joe may have died young, at 22, but his wisdom will not.

Fly with the Angels Joe, we'll love you forever.