Pride Goes Before the Spiritual Relapse

Relapse isn’t always about the bottle. Or the pills. Or the needles. Or the affairs.

Sometimes relapse looks like going quiet, numbing out. Pulling away from the people who see you too clearly. Telling yourself you’re “just trying to figure things out” while you slowly drift back into the patterns that nearly cost you everything the first time.

Sometimes relapse comes dressed in respectability.
You pay your bills. You show up to work. You don’t blow anything up.
And so you tell yourself you’re doing okay, because the chaos isn’t obvious.
But inside? You’re lying again. Maybe not to everyone else. But definitely to yourself.

I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it.

The spiritual malady creeps in quietly. Not like fire...like fog.
You stop praying. You stop telling the full truth.
You stop holding yourself accountable. The easier, softer way is to say, “I don’t want to hurt anyone,” than to admit you already did.

You start justifying things. “I didn’t mean to cross a line.” “It didn’t go that far.” "I can stop it before I hurt someone else."

But here’s the thing, you've already caused the hurt. You're just trying to keep the rain from turning into a downpour...you can't stop it, though. The storm is on the way. 

You can be clean, sober, outwardly calm, and still be spiritually sick. You can be a good person and still cause harm. 

I’ve caused harm. I’ve tried to make amends. And the further I go down this path, the clearer it gets: there’s no such thing as emotional neutrality. You’re either making things right or you're letting things rot in silence.

So when I think about relapse now, I don’t just ask, “Did I take a drink?”
I ask:

• Did I lie, even passively?

• Did I let someone believe something I knew wasn’t true?

• Did I hide behind politeness instead of showing up in truth?

That’s where the rubber meets the road...

Spiritual health isn’t just about staying clean.
It’s about living in alignment. No half-truths. No soft betrayals.

Because eventually, the people around you...the ones who used to believe in you? They will stop waiting for you to get honest.

And if you're not careful, you’ll wake up in a life built entirely out of things you never really meant. A house of cards. 

Previous Post: Fear of Rejection

Fear of Rejection

Wouldn't life be easier if we never had to face rejection? 

That's not reality, though... we all face rejection. It's part of being human. 

I came across this beautiful quote a few weeks ago that my brain keeps wandering back to:

"If fear of rejection guides your decisions, you will remain forever stuck. There lies regret. Leap now. The risk is worth it." Author unknown

It is so true, but we cannot leap if we are not living our truth.

And a lot of the time, we don't know what our truth even is. 

If you've read any of this blog, you know that I have been on a journey of self-love that catapulted into a new dimension two and a half years ago when I got sober. Nine months into sobriety, I faced a shocking reality: I didn't (and couldn't see myself). I didn't know myself. I didn't love myself.

This is common in recovery. For those of us who aren't doing the inner work, we may never come to that realization. We avoid truly getting to know ourselves because deep down, we fear what we’ll find; the wounds are too hard to face.

We fear our own rejection.

In the absence of our substance of choice, we cling and grasp onto other distractions. Anything to keep us from discovering the truth of who God created us to be.  It might be gambling, overeating, obsessive scrolling, video games, jumping into relationships to feel wanted, or anything that offers that hit of comfort or dopamine. And here's the truth:

All of it is relapse.

It's not just drinking or using our substance of choice. The distraction is the relapse. 

Five months into sobriety, I thought I was ready for love—but really, I just needed a new fix. I hadn’t gone deep; I hadn't done the real work. So I attached myself to someone and let them become my escape, my higher power, the creator of my worth. When it fell apart I was forced to sit in the wreckage I’d been running from my whole life. I realized I didn’t love myself, and worse, I let others create my worth. I could’ve numbed out again, there was another waiting for me to jump in. The temptation was there. But I didn’t. I went in. Deep. Six months of brutal honesty, inner spiritual work, and sitting with my feelings instead of avoiding them. That’s when the healing began.

Relapse is born out of avoidance. 

Avoidance is rejection. It’s the rejection of doing the terrifying but necessary work of sitting with your own pain. It’s a rejection of growth, of wholeness, of healing. 

Avoidance is the rejection of yourself.

If you're in recovery and doing the work, you know this to be true. 

If you're in recovery and not doing the work, you're avoiding. You're likely using people or things to stay comfortable so you don't have to see yourself, know yourself, or love yourself.

You are rejecting yourself.

Here's the hard truth (as I see it):  If you can’t fully see, know, and love yourself, and you’re depending on outside sources to fill those gaps, you’re driven by a fear of rejection. Not just from others but from yourself.

But why? 

Trauma - stifling trauma that you may not know you carry:

Abandoned as a child by one or both parents?  You carry trauma. 
A parent left you often with a caregiver to find the "perfect" co-parent for you? You carry trauma. 
A caregiver spanked you, called you stupid, or fat, or unworthy, and won't amount to much? You carry trauma.
Abused your body with substances to numb the trauma? You carry a LOT of trauma!

And if you don't do the work, whether you are in recovery or not, that trauma will imprison you. It will cause you to reject yourself over and over and over and over.

You will never know yourself. 

You will stay disconnected from your true self, and you will hurt others in your path.

Here's the good news! YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY THERE!

You can choose to do the work. You can discover how incredibly beautiful, whole, and divine God made you. It's there, under the rubble of a life shaped by pain, brokenness, and survival.

Don’t live a life of quiet regret.

See yourself. Know yourself. Love yourself.
Learn your truth... and then LIVE IT!
Stop rejecting yourself.
Take the leap.

You are worth the risk.

Next post: Pride Goes Before the Spiritual Relapse