Slow, but flowing like an open wound

Center for Action & Contemplation Assignment 2:

It came upon me slowly

It intrigued me

It opened me.

It kept me still

even as I fled.

It gave me breath

even as it suffocated.

It kept me alive

even as I slowly drowned.

It came upon me slowly

and it consumed me.

The above poem is my response to Carol Bieleck's poem, Breathing Under Water, from which Father Richard Rohr used to name his book of the same name.

My dependence on alcohol didn't happen overnight but I remember when it became a way of life. December 24, 2010. For 13 years it was my solution; it was my medicine. It was my life preserver. But on August 4, 2022 I saw it for what it really was; my death sentence. 

Every part of who I ever thought I was had been drowned out by alcohol. I was a shell, a mask, of a woman who no longer existed, if she ever existed at all. But deep beneath the waves of despair, a voice still cried out... a cry to God; a cry for salvation. I'm learning to breath underwater, meaning I'm learning to live as a sober alcoholic.

If you have a regular contemplative practice, what role has your contemplative practice played in your life? How has it challenged you?
All throughout my time in seminary and provisional residency I dabbled in contemplative practices. As a pastor, the day-to-day operations of the church can weigh you down, crushing you beneath the endless tasks. Over time, you lose sight of God's presence in the very places we build to worship God. 

You barely connect anymore because without your ego convinced you are savior of the church. Without you, it will surely die. In our addicted society that is drowning under the pressure of relevance, goals, and success, we forget that Jesus alone will determine the fate of his holy bride.

Regular contemplative practice is difficult for me and I want to make it a priority in my life. In my recovery, I have sloughed off many unnecessary burdens and I sense the more I do this, the more purposeful contemplative practices will take their place to align me more fully to the heart of my higher power, God. 

Are there any contemplative practices you would like to integrate into your life? 

Meditation is a practice I thoroughly enjoy and it helps me come into conscious contact with God. Every other Sunday after worship, I join a group of 12-steppers in meditation. The peace I receive in meditation helps center me and reminds me that I need to center down into God, the ground of all being. 

What is keeping you from fully engaging in those practices?

A litany of unending tasks meant to keep me busy, busy, busy. If you aren't busy, you aren't worthwhile, right??? So much to unlearn. 

Feelings Aren't Facts

TSM is probably shaking his head at me now for quoting Alan Watts because I was so opposed to his teachings, but my algorithms keeps showing me gems like this one.

"They" say feelings aren't facts. I'm 100% on board with that for our feelings change from one moment to the next. However, I think many people, especially in our society, understand that to mean that we are not meant to feel our feelings, that we need to brush them aside.

We tend to pride ourselves on being "stoic" without really understanding what that even means. I'm not a philosopher, nor have I studied much philosophy outside the requirements for college and divinity school, but I would say most people understand stoicism to be synonomous with emotionless. That's simply not the case and it has taken me a while to understand that. A year ago I would have told you I was stoic; I wanted to be detached from everything. I determined that everything I do must be based in reason. I didn't have time for feelings so I did the most obvious thing for too many years; I suppressed them.

Here's the problem, though... we're human, we have emotions. We feel.

Watts isn't saying that you stay in the pain and then relegate yourself to a life of misery. Instead, he is saying the opposite, and I believe it aligns with Stoicism. He's saying, from my perspective only, that you will experience pain, you will experience fear, you will experience sadness. And just like we bask in happiness, confidence, gratitude and all the "good" emotions, we need to feel the "bad" emotions too. We must hold them in contemplation, recognize where they come from, and then release them.

Instead of unleashing them, we usually run from them. But guess what? We usually run in circles, confronting them again and again to the the point that the sadness, the fear, the anger, the pain, the resentements, the jealousies... all of it, have grown exponentially to the point our physical bodies can no longer hold them in anymore. And if we try, we usually destroy ourselves in the process.

Stoicism would likely teach us to recognize the emotions when they happen, understand them, and let them go. Don't keep running in circles. Watts would probably say if you do that, then you become your emotions. 

We have emotions. We are not emotions. 

This quote by Watts is from his book The Wisdom of Insecurity . Most of those instagram snippets come from larger swaths of talks or books, of course. If you don't want to read the full book, you can find a larger portion here.

How do we keep living when we seem to be drowning?

Center for Action & Contemplation Assignment:

Drowning

Rays refract

Light bends

Surface looms

Surrender enters

Lungs full

Breathing

Tread

How? Why? We are powerless, but yet we continue moving forward. What is it that causes us to take the next step? What makes us take the next right step? 

It can only be God. Even if we start the program with a sense that we are in control and there are only aspects in our lives we want to improve, the reality is that God alone moves us to the rooms. It is the very definition of Providence, or the act of care by God for us. 

But what about those who don't make that next right step? The ones that never surface the water? 

Was Providence not there? Did God simply not care? It's unlikely. It comes down to desperation, a willingness to survive, to live, to thrive. The voice of God may sound weak, but for those who take the next right step, we follow. We say, yes, I want so much more than this. 

And God is willing to provide. 

For those of us who don't drown, we are taught to tread water, knowing we could easily slip beneath the surface. 

What initial connections do you see between spirituality and Twelve-Step Programs

Everything, starting with Step One. It is in that moment that we realize that our lives are not our own and any control we think we have is a mirage. 

What challenges do you see in making connections between spirituality and Twelve-Step Programs?

Some may think the twelve steps are a religious institution and keep themselves away from seeing that spirituality is not always linked to the rigidity of religion.