Meet me at Midnight (or 4:42)

Over the past month, several days a week I wake up startled, usually in the middle of the night. Two weeks ago I awoke at 11:11 with the gut instinct that I owed an apology to someone I care deeply for. 11:11 is supposed to be like the most important number you see, so in my haze, I sent a quick text - it felt that urgent. 

Last week a dream ended with the numbers 777 at 1:21 am. I remember nothing else, just numbers. I don't dream in numbers...What in the world? I tried looking up angel numbers the next day, but everyone has so many theories and ideas that I couldn't take any of them seriously. Maybe it was a fluke. 

Normally, I toss and turn trying to get back to sleep, but two nights ago, I awoke talking out loud. I remember distinctly saying to myself in my lucidity, write that down when you wake up tomorrow. I don't ever hear the voice of God, but I knew this was a clear directive. I picked up my phone to write in my notes, it was 4:42: 

No more hiding, no more running from yourself, no more hand holding, no more veiling in another.

Become your own, go it alone.

You’ll never uncover who you’re meant to be. You’ll never find out what SHE* has in store.

Attached, you become the mask of the one who makes you, the one beside you, the one who fragilely holds your hand, the one who wants it all for you, the one who believes in you. The same one holds you back.

Learn the art of letting go. You must go it alone - into the unknown. The other cannot go on with you from here.

                            —

“I made you” SHE cries, “In me you have being. In me is the ultimate SELF, Arjuna, don’t you see? Only in me will you find yourself. Detach, Arjuna, detach. Really let go this time.”

Find your SELF.

                    No one can do it for you.
                    Only I can walk alongside you,
                    Only my hand you must hold.

                    You must go into the unknown; find me on your own.
                    Embrace being alone, embrace doing the work alone.

                    In solitude, you will find your God, the only one you need.
                    The greatest SELF is all you need.

                    Detach, let go - come with me into the unknown.

*(I identify God as feminine)

If you didn't figure out who/what has inspired me, it's Krishna and Elsa. I believe God works through many channels.

Into the Un-Known

Striving to be known -

Post, click, like, see, admire, envy. 

The ringing in my ears - it never stops - it speaks vanity.

    It speaks pride, it speaks ambition. 

        It compels me forward into obsession.

Obsession to be seen.

Obsession to be heard.

Obsession to be known.

Obsession to be loved.

            Love me, love me, love me.

Insanity!

Her voice shrill; it rings in my ears, like the clashing of cymbals"

"Like me, love me - tell me I'm worthy - tell me I'm enough - tell me I'm loved."

Another voice breaks through - almost unheard. It's a whisper, or a timid song? Timid, but there. 

            Avoid it, don't hear it, don't want it.     Stay away!

It bursts through - relentless; she doesn't back down. 

"You are seen - you are known - you are loved.

A thousand stages, a thousand people

a thousand spotlights will never be enough - 

                                        for I am enough. You are enough. 

You are seen - now go, into the unknown. Become un-known. It is there you will find your SELF.

The accolades - the glory - the importance - the praise - the prominence - the ambition? 

    All to be known, to be revered, to be worshipped. What will happen? 

Who will I become? Will I be forgotten? Will I fall into an abyss of endless emptiness? Who will I be if I'm not seen? If I am not filled with the glory that I seek?

A thousand reasons to stay, but to the unknown, the dark, unknown...? 

    foreign. frightening. devoid of signposts.

She declares, "I am the signpost - I know the way - trust my power," 

            "let go." 

To be seen - you must go into the un-known.

It is her, SHE calls. SHE knows the road, she promises the magic. She knows the happiness, she knows the joy, she knows the freedom. She arranges it for me.

She sees me, she knows me: my wildest thought, my fiercest joy, my deepest fear - my serenity. Serenity will fill the void. 

But it's out there - in the unknown...

In her, I find myself. Her voice is my SELF. I am connected to her, engrained in her, grounded in her.

    Etched in her palm - for SHE is God. 

SHE is in whom I have my being. 

Post inspired by Into the Unknown from Frozen 2

Agnes

July 2, 2017. 7:30 am -  my first day. Agnes by Glass Animals comes over the radio. 

I've never heard this song. Turn it up. The instrumentation builds. It haunts; enchants. I can never hear lyrics; the crescendo is epic. Something new here.  Stop numbing; the next step will be my legend.

Cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, it was too much. 

Reaching for the glass was the answer that allowed the days to come and go, to keep me on track with this direction I was certain God called me to: Pastor. 

Agnes. She captivates. I dream, I yearn. God had something in store for me. A five-year prequel to the half step before the first step:                         This shit has to end.

Wanting to lose weight. 

Wanting to run again. Wanting the perfect body. Wanting the perfect relationship. 

Wanting to love my daughter more. 

Wanting to be the best at my job. 

Wanting my parents to be proud.

A 12-step program was going to get me there. I want this. It must.

It delivered; and more: 

Crushing depression.            Sabbatical seeking communion with God.        Repressed emotions boil over: 34 years

Knowing and owing my part in my resentments suffocates. I'm drowning.

Overwhelmed; craving to be seen by others, to be wanted by others. 

The wake of destruction I've made of relationships comes into view. The damage I cause when people can't make me who I want to be is a barren trail of sorrow. 

It's them; it has to be. They will make me. They will put me on the right path. They will stand in for God. They will restore me to sanity.

Fallible. Disappointing. Just like me. They can't deliver - 

why can't they deliver???  God, hear my prayer!

A gripping vacuum. Floating in space. Emptiness rushes through my body, leaves me hollow, weightless, grasping the air. They fail to deliver.        They can't. They shouldn't. It's impossible.

Only I can do the work. 

Their presence distracts and delays... but really:

They don't see me. They can't see me. They can't make me. They barely see themselves. They are but a mirror of the brokenness; hiding from it in the comfort of others. It cannot sustain. There is pain; it is my pain. There is fear; it is my fear. 

I am broken. I am empty. I am nothing. The bottle calls. I turn from it; God is louder. Enter now into the dark night of the soul... 

into the haunting unknown -

enchanted, tormented, eager, hesitant -  ready to see - - - me: 

the little girl abandoned so long ago. 

Afraid. Alone. She is revulsion. She is shame. 

Yet.         She is loved.       She is love.       Only God can work in her. Only God will make her whole. God will send those meant to walk her home - she will know love - for she is love.

 Turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand her. 

I surrender all things to her glory and service.

Loss, grief, recovery, joy - struggle to take the next step, to do the next right thing.  It's Agnes. 

She is the epic beginning. She is courage. She is love.

Watch Agnes here. I know the lyrics now; they don't describe my journey entirely.