Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity...
When I returned from Cairo in 2007 I started going to church - started believing in God. I had heard a sermon where the pastor said about a year later after I was going through a terrible breakup, "God loves you even when it seems the world doesn't."
Something clicked - I didn't need another human being to love me for me to feel fulfilled. That statement is still true. I know God loves me. However, I kind of went off the deep end with it.
I began to use God as my crutch to survive the world, to not have to feel. But I also used something else to help me not feel - alcohol. That, along with whatever antidepressant I was on, was the solution. It numbed me to the world around me. It made me forget the pain of feeling unworthy of love.
I approached the world with the attitude of, "Because God loves me, I can love others." The joke was on me, though, I didn't know how to love - I didn't let myself love. I needed complete control in every situation so my heart would not be broken ever again. I had God. I had Jesus who died, DIED for me. What else did I need?
I have committed my life to God because I have rationalized and intellectualized my belief. It has been years since I have felt a connection to God, and I am ordained to lead people to God. It's maddening.
Today, I went to another church, and the pastor said,
Prayer doesn't neglect the intellect nor the emotional life. Think of how odd it would be to shut down, or even ignore, either mind or heart, when trying to deepen your relationship with God. When struggling with any problem, you want to lift up to God both what you're thinking and what you're feeling, as you would in any relationship." Rev. Tino Herrera
Prayer is the conduit that connects us to God. In order to be in a relationship, you need to actually use it.
We need to be in constant communication with God, just like any other relationship... And, that's where I miss the mark every time.
I fail at communicating in relationships. I either become numb or completely intellectual so people can see that I'm super smart. I don't need feelings; I'm smart. To hide my pain, I deflect with humor. I conceal, I don't feel. Who knew I would connect so closely with Elsa.
I need to let this idea of being in control go. I need to let this idea that I always need to be right go. I've been trying to control God and loved ones for years. I use my words to get what I want, and then when things don't go my way, I blame God. I blame those I love.
And where does that leave me? Alone, isolated, out of control, and powerless.
Tonight I breathe in Jesus and ask him to restore me to sanity.
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