Meet me at Midnight (or 4:42)

Over the past month, several days a week I wake up startled, usually in the middle of the night. Two weeks ago I awoke at 11:11 with the gut instinct that I owed an apology to someone I care deeply for. 11:11 is supposed to be like the most important number you see, so in my haze, I sent a quick text - it felt that urgent. 

Last week a dream ended with the numbers 777 at 1:21 am. I remember nothing else, just numbers. I don't dream in numbers...What in the world? I tried looking up angel numbers the next day, but everyone has so many theories and ideas that I couldn't take any of them seriously. Maybe it was a fluke. 

Normally, I toss and turn trying to get back to sleep, but two nights ago, I awoke talking out loud. I remember distinctly saying to myself in my lucidity, write that down when you wake up tomorrow. I don't ever hear the voice of God, but I knew this was a clear directive. I picked up my phone to write in my notes, it was 4:42: 

No more hiding, no more running from yourself, no more hand holding, no more veiling in another.

Become your own, go it alone.

You’ll never uncover who you’re meant to be. You’ll never find out what SHE* has in store.

Attached, you become the mask of the one who makes you, the one beside you, the one who fragilely holds your hand, the one who wants it all for you, the one who believes in you. The same one holds you back.

Learn the art of letting go. You must go it alone - into the unknown. The other cannot go on with you from here.

                            —

“I made you” SHE cries, “In me you have being. In me is the ultimate SELF, Arjuna, don’t you see? Only in me will you find yourself. Detach, Arjuna, detach. Really let go this time.”

Find your SELF.

                    No one can do it for you.
                    Only I can walk alongside you,
                    Only my hand you must hold.

                    You must go into the unknown; find me on your own.
                    Embrace being alone, embrace doing the work alone.

                    In solitude, you will find your God, the only one you need.
                    The greatest SELF is all you need.

                    Detach, let go - come with me into the unknown.

*(I identify God as feminine)

If you didn't figure out who/what has inspired me, it's Krishna and Elsa. I believe God works through many channels.

Into the Un-Known

Striving to be known -

Post, click, like, see, admire, envy. 

The ringing in my ears - it never stops - it speaks vanity.

    It speaks pride, it speaks ambition. 

        It compels me forward into obsession.

Obsession to be seen.

Obsession to be heard.

Obsession to be known.

Obsession to be loved.

            Love me, love me, love me.

Insanity!

Her voice shrill; it rings in my ears, like the clashing of cymbals"

"Like me, love me - tell me I'm worthy - tell me I'm enough - tell me I'm loved."

Another voice breaks through - almost unheard. It's a whisper, or a timid song? Timid, but there. 

            Avoid it, don't hear it, don't want it.     Stay away!

It bursts through - relentless; she doesn't back down. 

"You are seen - you are known - you are loved.

A thousand stages, a thousand people

a thousand spotlights will never be enough - 

                                        for I am enough. You are enough. 

You are seen - now go, into the unknown. Become un-known. It is there you will find your SELF.

The accolades - the glory - the importance - the praise - the prominence - the ambition? 

    All to be known, to be revered, to be worshipped. What will happen? 

Who will I become? Will I be forgotten? Will I fall into an abyss of endless emptiness? Who will I be if I'm not seen? If I am not filled with the glory that I seek?

A thousand reasons to stay, but to the unknown, the dark, unknown...? 

    foreign. frightening. devoid of signposts.

She declares, "I am the signpost - I know the way - trust my power," 

            "let go." 

To be seen - you must go into the un-known.

It is her, SHE calls. SHE knows the road, she promises the magic. She knows the happiness, she knows the joy, she knows the freedom. She arranges it for me.

She sees me, she knows me: my wildest thought, my fiercest joy, my deepest fear - my serenity. Serenity will fill the void. 

But it's out there - in the unknown...

In her, I find myself. Her voice is my SELF. I am connected to her, engrained in her, grounded in her.

    Etched in her palm - for SHE is God. 

SHE is in whom I have my being. 

Post inspired by Into the Unknown from Frozen 2

Agnes

July 2, 2017. 7:30 am -  my first day. Agnes by Glass Animals comes over the radio. 

I've never heard this song. Turn it up. The instrumentation builds. It haunts; enchants. I can never hear lyrics; the crescendo is epic. Something new here.  Stop numbing; the next step will be my legend.

Cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, it was too much. 

Reaching for the glass was the answer that allowed the days to come and go, to keep me on track with this direction I was certain God called me to: Pastor. 

Agnes. She captivates. I dream, I yearn. God had something in store for me. A five-year prequel to the half step before the first step:                         This shit has to end.

Wanting to lose weight. 

Wanting to run again. Wanting the perfect body. Wanting the perfect relationship. 

Wanting to love my daughter more. 

Wanting to be the best at my job. 

Wanting my parents to be proud.

A 12-step program was going to get me there. I want this. It must.

It delivered; and more: 

Crushing depression.            Sabbatical seeking communion with God.        Repressed emotions boil over: 34 years

Knowing and owing my part in my resentments suffocates. I'm drowning.

Overwhelmed; craving to be seen by others, to be wanted by others. 

The wake of destruction I've made of relationships comes into view. The damage I cause when people can't make me who I want to be is a barren trail of sorrow. 

It's them; it has to be. They will make me. They will put me on the right path. They will stand in for God. They will restore me to sanity.

Fallible. Disappointing. Just like me. They can't deliver - 

why can't they deliver???  God, hear my prayer!

A gripping vacuum. Floating in space. Emptiness rushes through my body, leaves me hollow, weightless, grasping the air. They fail to deliver.        They can't. They shouldn't. It's impossible.

Only I can do the work. 

Their presence distracts and delays... but really:

They don't see me. They can't see me. They can't make me. They barely see themselves. They are but a mirror of the brokenness; hiding from it in the comfort of others. It cannot sustain. There is pain; it is my pain. There is fear; it is my fear. 

I am broken. I am empty. I am nothing. The bottle calls. I turn from it; God is louder. Enter now into the dark night of the soul... 

into the haunting unknown -

enchanted, tormented, eager, hesitant -  ready to see - - - me: 

the little girl abandoned so long ago. 

Afraid. Alone. She is revulsion. She is shame. 

Yet.         She is loved.       She is love.       Only God can work in her. Only God will make her whole. God will send those meant to walk her home - she will know love - for she is love.

 Turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand her. 

I surrender all things to her glory and service.

Loss, grief, recovery, joy - struggle to take the next step, to do the next right thing.  It's Agnes. 

She is the epic beginning. She is courage. She is love.

Watch Agnes here. I know the lyrics now; they don't describe my journey entirely. 

Where I stand with God?

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity...

When I returned from Cairo in 2007 I started going to church - started believing in God. I had heard a sermon where the pastor said about a year later after I was going through a terrible breakup, "God loves you even when it seems the world doesn't." 

Something clicked - I didn't need another human being to love me for me to feel fulfilled. That statement is still true. I know God loves me. However, I kind of went off the deep end with it. 

I began to use God as my crutch to survive the world, to not have to feel. But I also used something else to help me not feel - alcohol. That, along with whatever antidepressant I was on, was the solution. It numbed me to the world around me. It made me forget the pain of feeling unworthy of love.

I approached the world with the attitude of, "Because God loves me, I can love others." The joke was on me, though, I didn't know how to love - I didn't let myself love. I needed complete control in every situation so my heart would not be broken ever again. I had God. I had Jesus who died, DIED for me. What else did I need? 

I have committed my life to God because I have rationalized and intellectualized my belief. It has been years since I have felt a connection to God, and I am ordained to lead people to God. It's maddening.

Today, I went to another church, and the pastor said, 

Prayer doesn't neglect the intellect nor the emotional life. Think of how odd it would be to shut down, or even ignore, either mind or heart, when trying to deepen your relationship with God. When struggling with any problem, you want to lift up to God both what you're thinking and what you're feeling, as you would in any relationship." Rev. Tino Herrera

Prayer is the conduit that connects us to God. In order to be in a relationship, you need to actually use it. 

We need to be in constant communication with God, just like any other relationship...  And, that's where I miss the mark every time. 

I fail at communicating in relationships. I either become numb or completely intellectual so people can see that I'm super smart. I don't need feelings; I'm smart. To hide my pain, I deflect with humor. I conceal, I don't feel. Who knew I would connect so closely with Elsa.

I need to let this idea of being in control go. I need to let this idea that I always need to be right go. I've been trying to control God and loved ones for years. I use my words to get what I want, and then when things don't go my way, I blame God. I blame those I love. 

And where does that leave me? Alone, isolated, out of control, and powerless. 

Tonight I breathe in Jesus and ask him to restore me to sanity. 

9 Months Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning I recieve my 9-month coin. It's interesting that today of all the days over the last 9 months is the day I had this sudden urge to drink. What? How is that possible? My sponsor says it is the way my mind and body are reminding me that I am indeed an alcoholic. 

These last 9 months have been strange and I know tomorrow I will be asked, "can you share how you did it?" Every other time I have rattled off the expected response that everyone rattles off, "I go to meetings, I got a sponsor, we work the steps, I do service work..." 

The reality is different for me. I kept myself distracted and checked off boxes. 

It's like the original Super Mario Brothers... you know, the 1985 version? 

The concept is simple, beat each level and rescue the princess. But there are ways to get ahead. First, you can go down a pipe to secret coin rooms and then you enter the game a little further ahead. Or if you're lucky, you can find a starman and become essentially invincible. All you have to do is touch an enemy to get through. 

The problem with the starman is that we often try to race through the game, to get as far ahead as we can before time runs out on the superpower. I'll be honest, I'm not a good video game player so most of the time, I either run into a turtle or get fired on my flower, or simply don't see the gap ahead of me. I basically end up dying and have to start over, either at the beginning or one of checkpoints along the way. 

Or, you can take your time, you can go down a pipe and collect coins - which eventually give you extra lives. 

So, I got to 9 months because I decided to take the Starman - thinking I could take the easy route because I can outside the program. 

But what I found is that the better way is to go down the pipe. Not just to get coins, but because it's usually darker down in the pipes and there's a lot of muck I need to wade through. I did my fourth step 3 weeks ago today - and I derailed after it because I didn't take the program seriously. Doing the work isn't about intellectualizing and rationalizing my way through it. For me it's about actually taking time to sit in muck, to not get sidetracked by the starman along the way who tells me I'm special and can do it my way without looking at the bigger picture. I restarted the steps last week because even though I haven't relapsed, I feel like the shit I did before I entered the program - and I'm not willing to cheat myself out of recovery. I have to feel, not just know why, my life had become unmanageable. 

That's probably not the happy clappy version you wanted to hear - because this isn't supposed to be a starman program - it's lifelong. Might as well take the time to do it as best you can. 

Taking My Sparkle Back

Scholastic book fairs were always a highlight during my elementary school years. Second grade was the year when reading became a passion. 

Diving into worlds of make-believe that others created hooked me. 

Imagining the worlds that other people like me created drew me in. 

I lost myself in books.

In second grade, probably near the end of the year, the librarian at my Elementary school took me to the back wall and handed me a chapter book, The Secret Garden. She believed my reading skills were such that I could finish it in a month. I checked it out on her recommendation, but the vocabulary was far too advanced for me at that age so I returned it having only maybe read two chapters. The next time I picked it up was when I was in High School; we had moved to Ecuador and it was not readily accessible to me during those years when my reading skills improved 

In second grade my vocabulary was more on par with the words in the book The Kindles Find a Home. Like most children, the vibrant pinks and yellows on the Scholastic booklet enticed me. 

"Welcome to the magical land of the Kindles! It's a fantasy forest where music makes the honeybud trees grow. The Kindles love to sing with gladness but now an evil sorceress wants to end their happiness forever. It's up to Sparkli to lead the Kindles out of danger!"

Sparkli! Yes, this was the book for me. What 7-year-old American girl doesn't love sparkles? Seriously, what CHILD doesn't love sparkles? 

Sparkles were magic. 

I had a sparkle baton.

I'm sure my sticker book was full of sparkle stickers. 

Sparkles was a name my dolls often had in the stories I made up. 

Sparkly was the name I landed on at some point for my future daughter's name.

Sparkle ruffles lined the neck of my tumbling leotard.

Sparkles.were.magic. 

I NEEDED this book. My parents, despite our relative poverty, bought me the book. 

AND I LOVED THIS BOOK! It was everything it promised to be and I read it over and over. This is the book that defined my second-grade year. Like most of us, I outgrew this children's book. Somewhere along the way, it was lost or sold in a garage sale. Over the years I would think about it. In late May this year, it invaded my thoughts again and I went into a deep dive looking for it online, googling the premise of the book. I found it; I ordered it. 

It was as magical as I remembered. I CONTINUE TO LOVE THIS BOOK. 

I looked up my Amazon order history today and noticed I purchased it on May 30. God is always speaking, but I think we notice God's presence in retrospect. There were things in motion that were leading me to take my sparkle back; the sparkle I lost from around 1988/1989. 

In September of 1988, we moved to Ecuador. It was rough. I didn't speak Spanish, I was ripped away from the family and friends I had grown up with. My body had to acclimate to the different foods and contaminated water. I was homesick and miserable. I look back on these years as a time of transition that helped me grow as a person, and I have no resentment toward it. This move was not done out of malice, and it's an experience I look back on as a time when I learned resiliency. 

It was also an era in my life when the innocence and silliness of my childhood came to an end. 

I don't know how, or the exact date, that my sparkle baton broke. But I know it broke in Riobamba while visiting my grandparents. I still see the rippling glittery water dripping through my fingers; one half of the broken baton in my other hand. 

I didn't cry; I had been called a "crybaby" my entire childhood. 

The last vestiges of my sparkle were gone in that moment. My childhood ended. My joy was gone.

But there is always hope: Today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life, I'm taking my sparkle back

Why couldn't Jesus be a daughter of God?

The obvious first answer is, well of course God could have incarnated as a woman! God is all-powerful, so yes - absolutely. I think though, to answer this question with integrity, we have to go all the way back to Genesis to deconstruct the male/female binary we have created as humans:

Then God said, “Let us make humanity in our image to resemble us so that they may take charge of the fish of the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the earth, and all the crawling things on earth.”

God created humanity in God’s own image,
in the divine image God created them,
male and female God created them.

 Genesis 1: 26-27 (CEB) 

From the very beginning, the ancient writers understood the entity of God to be both male and female. 

Throughout scripture, God is described with what we might consider, in our binary constructed world, male or female characteristics. 

Here are a few examples of God's "feminine" attributes: 

• Like a nursing mother, God does not forget God's children. (Isaiah 49:15)
• God is like a midwife who cares for children she just delivered (Psalm 22:9-10)
• God experiences the fury of a mother bear robbed of her cubs (Hosea 13:8)
• God seeks the lost like a housekeeper, trying to find her lost coin (Luke 15:8-10)
• Jesus longed for the people of Jerusalem like a mother hen longs to gather her chicks under her wings (Luke 13:34)

In Hebrew, God's characteristic of All-Wisdom is personified as a woman. In Proverbs 8, Wisdom speaks:

The Lord created me at the beginning of his way,

    before his deeds long in the past.

23 

I was formed in ancient times,

    at the beginning, before the earth was.

24 

Proverbs 8: 22-23 (CEB)  (I would highly recommend really all of Proverbs 8, its super good)

Before God created anything tangible, God created Wisdom - the second of God's attributes, the first debatably being Creator.  

All throughout Scripture, both in Hebrew, Greek, and Latin - the word Wisdom itself is feminine.  

In Hebrew is חָכְמָה (hokmaw)
In Greek: σοφία (sophia)

Latin: sapientia 

Jesus has every characteristic of God, including wisdom and presents in a male body. Feminist theologian Elizabeth Johnson says in her book She Who IS: The Mystery of God in Feminist Theological Discourse, "Jesus is the supreme manifestation of God's Word (that which creates) and embodiment of Divine Wisdom. It expresses an alternative to the male imagery of God." (1992, paraphrase mine). Theologian Martin Scott says, "Jesus Sophia is not a mere man, but rather the incarnation of both the male and female expression of the divine, albeit within the limitation of the human flesh." (Scott, Sophia and the Johannine Jesus, 1992, 72). 

This is actually a very freeing concept, especially for those who do not identify as either male or female but on a gender spectrum. If Jesus is both/and, then that means trans-men and women are equally sacred. (That's a whole other blog post)

All that is good background information, but why did Jesus have to be a man? Technically, he did not - but the simplest answer for why is because of the societal norms of ancient Palestine in the Greco-Roman world. Women were second-class citizens, and very much the property of their husbands or fathers, or whatever male family member they were in the care of. In Jewish culture, women were much more autonomous than we typically think they were. Unlike their Roman counterparts, they could own their own property. However, they were living under an oppressive authoritarian regime that severely limited their freedoms. 

God is all-knowing and all-wise (all the omnis), so if God incarnated in the physical body of a woman, her chances of carrying out the work of God on earth would NOT have gone as well as it did in the male body. That's not saying it worked out well for Jesus as a man, either. He only got 3 years of ministry before being tried and crucified. 

Followers of Jesus believe God incarnated into the human flesh in order to experience the human condition and to teach us how to live into the free and abundant lives promised to us as children of God. As humans, we have a great capacity to become captive to our own egos that too often take us down paths of darkness or self-destruction. God came to experience the darkness of the world and atoned for all the ways in which we tend to separate ourselves from our great and Holy Creator. It wasn't necessary, but God chose to do so - because we are unconditionally loved, plain and simple. 

I can't help but love my God for all that has been done for me... and everyone else. 💖

Is God Separate?

Those words caught me off guard as I sat down for the meeting. I looked at the man next to me and said, "I'm sorry?" He clarified a bit, "Do you think God is separate?" I was still lost, "I'm not following can you clarify?" Him, "do you think God is separate from us, like detached, apart from us?"

Ah, I see - I answered rather quickly, "God is not some being floating above us watching us, but is a part of us." His response was one I've heard before, "so if God is a part of us, then I'm God, and you're God, I'm speaking to God."  Mmm...(the wheels turning in my head) I see, my quick response was "no," and then, of course, the meeting started.

I've been pondering this brief conversation for a week, and the answer came to me yesterday: 

God is both/and. As German Theologian (and my favorite by the way) Paul Tillich would say, God is the ground of our being. Our existence is embedded in God. Other ways to say this: We are made of God-stuff. God is our source. We are planted in God. 

So yes, we are a PART of God, but at the same time, we are not God. God is both separate and part. God is both imminent and transcendent. Far away, yet present

If you think about how the Apostle Paul talks about it, we are the body of Christ - each of us with a unique gift, or function, making the body work toward one direction - oneness, and unity with God. Collectively, we can become fully part of God. 

Here's the problem, we are broken human beings. Some might argue that's God's fault - that free will is the impetus that makes us make mistakes and sin. I fully disagree with that line of thinking. Free will, the ability to make our own decisions, apart from Jesus, is the greatest gift God has given us. God doesn't want to be a puppet master. Our creator could have but didn't want that role. Instead, God invites us to enter into a relationship on our own accord. God isn't pulling the strings, but God is gently nudging. We get to decide if we want to align with God's will for us. 

Here's what happens when we do, we begin the process of becoming a part of God. Once all creation begins to work toward that, then and only then can we imagine becoming one with God. John Wesley calls this, moving onto perfection. Through Jesus, this process has begun. It doesn't mean brokenness no longer exists, but the process (we call it salvation in Christianity) is in the works. 

I believe there are people in the world who are working toward becoming perfect, and surrendering, or letting God help them along the way. Unfortunately, I don't see many of these people within the church - in fact, the majority of the people I see working toward becoming one with God are outside the walls of religious establishments... and that is a problem for me. I'm fully aware that God can work miracles outside the walls of churches, so I'm not too worried about it. 

So, is God separate? Yes, for now. When we try to fully take control of our lives and leave God on the margins and believe that our lives are ours alone, then yes - God is separate. It doesn't need to be that way, though. 

Becoming God, or being fully in relationship with God (my preferred way to say that) is a possibility - in fact, I believe that's where we are headed. 

I pray you say YES to the invitation. 

Well Pleased

Would you hear the last words Letty read again?

Luke 3: verse 22:

the Holy Spirit descended upon him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven, ‘You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased.’

Now hear from The Voice Translation:

…the Holy Spirit came upon Him in a physical manifestation that resembled a dove. A voice echoed out from heaven: You are My Son, the Son I love, and in You I take great pleasure.

Eugene Peterson in his translation from the Message says it this way:

“You are my Son, chosen and marked by my love, pride of my life.”

Do you ever wish the Heavens would open up and God would come down to you like a dove and say those words? You are my pride. You are marked by my love? I love you my dearest child? Those are powerful words…

I remember when I was about 26 years old I was going through what I now call a quarter-life crisis. I had a college degree but had been waiting tables at a restaurant, trying to live a “bohemian” type of lifestyle. From the time I graduated college until I was 26, I spent a lot of time going to concerts, hanging out with really cool wannabe rockstars here in KC, and honestly, partying a little too much.
In my mind, I was living my best life!

Frankly, though, I was trying to convince myself that I was living my best life. However, I was deep in a tailspin life with no direction and I was devolving into a deep depression. I had quit my job and moved into my grandparent’s house. I spent a lot of time sleeping, escaping from this out-of-control life I found myself in.

My mother, who was living in Florida at the time - sensed something was wrong.
She came to Kansas City and simply spent time with me. I remember laying in her arms on my grandparents’ sofa for one evening watching Jeopardy - or probably MASH reruns, crying, telling her that I was unloveable, that I wasn’t worth loving, and that perhaps the world would be better without me.

My mom didn’t freak out, she didn’t judge me, didn’t criticize my life decisions. Instead, she just held me closer, and then she sat up and grabs my arms and looked down into my eyes as she told me:

I love you, you are loved…

Over and over, she said these words to me as I tried hard to believe those words.

Fortunately - as you can tell - I was able to come out of that… Anytime I go through a period of depression, as in every fall and winter when the days get cold and short, I think back to that moment.
I imagine her words descending upon me like a dove saying,

You are my beloved, you are my precious child, you are marked by my enduring love for you.

She may not always be well-pleased with me, but I’m comforted knowing her love persists and will always persist.

And now, as a mother myself - any time my child is upset or struggling, I seek to communicate the same with her. I am not a perfect mother, I’ve been known to lose my temper, but there is nothing more I want than for her to know that she is worthy, she is enough, she is loved. Even when she makes
mistakes.

We all need to know we are loved, 

we all need to know we are enough,
we all need to know we are worthy.

It is essential for our survival as humans.

There are times when we do not do the right thing or when we make mistakes - but we are still loveable humans despite it. In those times when God may not be well-pleased with us - God’s love NEVER ends.  And that is the premise of this new series.

So many of us enter into the New Year with new resolutions, or goals. Some of us don’t like to admit we have goals, but even saying we aren’t going to set goals - is in itself a goal.
As your Pastor, I have set a New Year's resolution for all of us. We are going to spend the next 7 weeks, yes SEVEN weeks focusing on this truth:

God’s love for us NEVER ends.

We are going to remind ourselves weekly, and I’m going to require you do it DAILY to say to ourselves:

We are Worthy,
We are Enough,
and we are LOVED.

On top of that, we are going to set the goal to remind ourselves that EVERYONE is loved in this way. Lastly, we are going to touch on this regularly throughout the year and share God’s inclusive and expansive love with others.

Here is what I want you to hear today more than anything else:

From the moment you came into existence, God has loved you. And God will love you for ALL time, no matter what.

And we are going to start with how we express that in the context of church family life. How do you think we acknowledge God’s inclusive love in the church?

Yell it out - write it in the comments - I have my phone opened to our website - so I’ll wait.

Through Baptism!

Second question:
How many of you have heard that baptism washes away our sins? Do you know where that comes from?

It comes from Acts 22:16 - when Paul is retelling the story of his conversion.
Let’s read it together - from verse 12 
A little context first: Paul was a Pharisee and he had gone to the high priest in Jerusalem to get permission to bring back any followers of Jesus from Damascus to put them on trial for disrupting the peace - or more accurately, the status quo.

On the way, he had an encounter with the risen Lord, with Jesus and here he retells the story about a man named Ananais who had been appointed by Jesus to find Paul and help redirect his life.

12 “A certain Ananias, who was a devout man according to the law and well spoken of by all the Jews living there, 13 came to me, and standing beside me, he said, ‘Brother Saul, regain your sight!’ In that very hour I regained my sight and saw him. 14 Then he said, ‘The God of our ancestors has chosen you to know his will, to see the Righteous One, and to hear his own voice, 15 for you will be his witness to all the world of what you have seen and heard. 16 And now why do you delay? Get up, be baptized, and have your sins washed away, calling on his name.’

First of all - I want you to notice - this is Paul recounting a story that we first hear in Chapter 9. This is a long passage, so you may reread that on your own after worship, but the gist is that the Lord spoke to Ananais to go to Paul and lay hands on him to help him regain his sight.

Ananais did that and this is what Ananais said to Paul in Chapter 9, verse 17

Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on your way here, has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” 18 And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and his sight was restored. Then he got up and was baptized, 19 and after taking some food, he regained his strength.

Do you see what happened? Ananais was not instructed to baptize Paul, nor do we see that he did baptize him. Paul, on his own accord, was baptized. That doesn’t mean that Paul was not convicted that he needed to be baptized to wash away his sins. In his life, he may have felt that baptism did in fact release him, or wash away the sins of his past. For Paul baptism was this regenerative process that allowed him to transform his life.

I could get into the grammar used in the Greek, and I could teach a class on it, which I do teach when I am asked to baptize someone… but what’s most important for us to know is that Paul’s baptism set him on a new course in his relationship with God through Jesus, and the emerging church.

His Baptism was but ONE step in the process of salvation.

So that brings me to this NEXT question -

How many of you have heard that baptism is what saves us from eternal damnation?

The answer is a little more nuanced… it’s a yes and no.

A lot of our understanding of this idea comes from the evangelical world of accepting Jesus in our hearts, declaring we believe in him, and going through the act of baptism to be saved. This way of thinking places the action of baptism ours, rather than God’s.

1 Peter 3, Peter says this to the church:

For Christ also suffered[e] for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, in order to bring you[f] to God. He was put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, 19 in which also he went and made a proclamation to the spirits in prison, 20 who in former times did not obey, when God waited patiently in the days of Noah, during the building of the ark, in which a few, that is, eight lives, were saved through water. 21 And baptism, which this prefigured, now saves you—not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for[g] a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ,

In other words, Peter is telling us - it’s Jesus' death and resurrection that saves us.

He goes on to say that baptism is a part of that, but it is a part of the process and places you on a track toward salvation - it enables you to grow closer to God. Baptism in and of itself does NOT do the saving - salvation is a process it is not a one-and-done accomplished solely in baptism.

The problem I personally have with the idea of baptism saving us from eternal damnation is that it insinuates that from the beginning God has predestined us to damnation and WE have to do something to reverse that.
This is preposterous to me, especially if we believe and say that GOD is love. What kind of God creates beings in God’s image and then asks them to prove themselves so they don’t have to go to hell? Not our God, that’s for sure.

I love what Dr. Hal Knight shared in one of my Wesleyan studies courses in seminary, "John Wesley, our founder, believed in predestination, but that God has predestined us all for heaven. The choice, though, is ours."

We all have this amazing gift of free will and we get to choose whether or not we want to align our lives to God’s. That's our God, the God of Love who wants to share the Glory of heaven with us.

Baptism then is not the act itself that saves us - it’s the first means by which we acknowledge God’s love for us.

So, now you might be asking yourself:

Does that make baptism unnecessary, and if it isn’t necessary, why do we do it?

As Methodists, we do not believe you need to be baptized to go to Heaven. God’s love and grace are not something we HAVE to recognize. But we participate in the sacrament, first and foremost because we know Jesus participated in it, and as followers, we want to do as he did.

We saw in the passage Letty read today that Jesus came to the people who had gathered around John, who was proclaiming a baptism of repentance.

We know Jesus was fully divine, God in the flesh - he didn’t need to be baptized but he was. Jesus didn’t sin, he didn’t need sin washed away.

In all four of the Gospels, we are told Jesus required he be baptized by John, though. In Matthew, he insists and says it is necessary for him to be baptized to fulfill all righteousness…. Unfortunately, he doesn’t give us his theological reason - so we have to look to other passages.

Now prepare yourselves - our reasoning for baptism has to do with original sin - which whoa! Hold the phone, I know! We don’t like to think about original sin in Methodism…

You’re probably thinking that original sin means we are born sinful… no! That is a misconception that has been passed down from our Catholic siblings.  We do not believe humans are born sinners.

According to the UMC Baptism Study Committee report By Water and the Spirit: A United Methodist Understanding of Baptism, published in 1996, the committed acknowledge that, John Wesley taught that in baptism a child was cleansed of the guilt of original sin, initiated into the covenant with God, admitted into the church, made an heir of the divine kingdom, and spiritually born anew.

Did you hear that? Washed from the guilt of sin… GUILT.

What Wesley meant, and how we understand it, is that we are born into a world plagued by sin and without God, we are helpless to confront it. Baptism then is the ordinary means by which we say to the world, “God is with me, and I can lean into God to confront the world of sin that is around me.” The sacrament of baptism is this outward sign that we KNOW God's love comes before us and that it is offered freely to us.

Does that mean we automatically forgo temptations and NEVER sin after that? Not at all! We are willful people who will follow our own wants and desires if it suits our self-interests.

Baptism is an initiation into the process of salvation. It is not salvation in and of itself. It is the first covenant we make, or have had made on our behalf as children to be in a covenantal relationship with God, with the church body, and with each other.

It’s the first step of us saying to each other, we need God to help us follow Jesus - let’s help each other in the process.

It’s like having your mom, or your dad, someone who loves you unconditionally looking into your face as you cry over the mistakes you’ve made saying to you… You are my child, my beloved, marked by my love - with whom I am well pleased.

The best trip ever

 Between the week of Christmas and New Year’s Eve, my daughter and I drove to Texas to visit my sister Alicia and my brother-in-law in Dallas. IT was one of those weeks I didn’t really have off, but my daughter did and I needed to figure out a time to work around her needs. 

I figured, let’s go to Dallas. I got a lot of work done and was able to visit family. 

I remember on Christmas Eve, I think it was Ann who asked me what time my flight left on the 26th. I was like, no, no, we’re driving! 

First of all, I don’t like to fly - I do it when I have to. 

Second, there are no rules or adhering to other people’s schedules when we drive. We stop when we want, we go we want - we get there when we get there. 

My daughter and I started these drives when she was about 3. It was one of those non-snowy winters and we really wanted to go sledding. I have family in Minneapolis and I know the snow sticks around, even if it hasn’t snowed for weeks. So, we made quick plans drove to Minneapolis. In the middle of our drive, it started snowing like crazy so we stopped at a hotel in Ames, Iowa and we had the best time. The place had a hot tub and we brought our suits - cuz you never know - and it is probably one of the most memorable experiences I’ve ever had. 

I often tell people, it was the weekend when I fell even more in love with my child. We were away from our hectic schedules and just spent time together.