Moms and Choices

So, I didn't fulfill my Lenten journey by reflecting everyday. In fact, I led myself into temptation a lot. I was going to give up drinking alcoholic beverages.. I did it last year so I thought I would do it this year as well. I could have made it though, but I love me some beer. And Dr. Doughy always gets good beer. I probably could have done myself a huge favor in the fitness area had I not had any beer. Oh well! I gave up sugar and candy for about 3/4 of the time. Not bad, and I only fell off the wagon when we were stuffing Easter Eggs... I forgot all about my no sugar promise. The two I did follow through with: being completely vegetarian (no fish) and being honest in my relationships. These two are the ones I intend on following through with. However, I WILL eat sushi next Fat Tuesday! Once a year won't kill me right?

Today I read my teammate Cory's blog about the best advice she received from her mother, "Not to be like her."

Wow! 

I'm lucky that I had such a great mother growing up. She was my confidante, the person who I looked to for love, protection, advice... whatever I needed, she was the lady I went to. I was never a Daddy's Little Girl, and if the term Mama's Girl existed, that would have been me.

Today, I got out my trusty "Upper Room," and before I even looked at the Bible verses for today, I looked at the little boxed focus called "Link2Life," and it says this, "Choose a child you know and pray for that child by name every day."  Which one do I choose? I work with so many different kids and could pray for all of them, but the very first name that popped into my head was my baby sister's name. I won't disclose her name because she is only 12, but I prayed that one day she would get to have the same mother I had growing up.

I love my mother because she is my mother, she chose life for me over... well, you know the alternative. For being a single mother, she did the best she could at finding me a father. He wasn't my ideal choice in the beginning, but in the long run, after years of distrust and disrespect between the two of us, he is by far the best person that could have been chosen to be my Father. It took a long time for us to accept each other, but finally I feel like I can call my Dad my friend. And I owe that favor done for me to my Mother.

My baby sister is lucky to have my Papi be her Papi. I have never seen a man take such better care and interest in his daughter. My baby sister lives in South American with him and I love the fact that he has CHOSEN to give her the opportunity to grow up in a different culture. I love the fact that one day my sister will not have to experience the "need" for male attention to survive. I think Papi has let her know how much he loves her and how amazing she is. She will never need to struggle and yearn for his attention, she's got it. I think she will be a very secure young woman and adult. I don't ever see a future where she feels she will need a man to make her life significant. She has been loved and respected immensely by our Father. She is a lucky little girl in that respect.

On the other hand, I wonder if one day she will resent our Mother. I don't know what my life would look like had I not had her growing up. I think I would be more cookoo than I am already! My Mom provided security and love in this crazy, scary world. She protected me from the same father who my sister gets loved by. My Mother chose to find me a good Dad, and now she has chosen a life without one of her daughters.

I ask myself...what happened? My mother was a strong woman while I was growing up, or was she? Was she always so wrapped up in trying to be good enough for Papi? One of the things I have worked on with my therapist is loving myself and self-acceptance. I would gravitate towards keeping a man around, compromising my values and morals, just to be accepted. I felt for so long that my life wasn't worthwhile if I didn't have a guy in it. I would feel like my life was ending when one would break up with me. What an awful feeling to feel your world collapse just because somebody had chosen not to be in the world with you. I had to fix that feeling of desperation. I never wanted to find myself pleading, and more than one time on my knees for a man not to leave me. I have shown plenty a man a whole lot of crazy! I have always wanted to be self-sufficient, self-loving, self-accepting, but I was not giving myself that. It has taken a while and the good Lord knows that the journey is not over, but I feel that my life is worth living, even without a man in it. And I think, even when I do have a man in my life now, that I do not have to comprise myself to keep him around.

What I do know more than anything, is that my restored faith in God has led me on my journey toward wholeness.

It's a good feeling to know that in the heart of God I am completely accepted. Duh, His love is given to me 110% or more. and from the day I was born. When I feel self-doubt, I think to myself... nah, God loves me and continue on my journey. He made me exactly the way I am supposed to be. When I think of the Father sending his Son, so He could experience the human condition, I know that there is a Love so great for me, that I don't need to second guess myself. It's amazing!

The fact that the Lord has put that same Love into my Papi's heart, comforts me when I think of my sister. I know that the same Love was very prevalent in my Mother's as well, and I hope she will again listen to the voice that I know is still speaks to her. I had the Love of God through my Mother growing up.

My prayer is this, "Lord please let my sister experience your unending Love. Please let my Mom hear your voice again, let her experience her worth and the unending Love you will always have for her. Let her and my Papi shine your Love on my sister forever. I will love my Mother forever, but pray that you help me to be strong even when I disagree with her."