Recently one of my co-workers gave my name to a life-insurance agent who has been working with our store. When I asked her why she had done that, she asked me if I didn't think about my future and what's going to happen to my belongings. Of course I think about my future, but I certainly don't worry about my things. I just don't think I have much of an attachment to them. Last year during the "Race for the Cure," my car was broken into and my purse was stolen. Along with my purse, my most favorite rings were taken. One was given to me by my Godmother/Aunt Julie when I turned sixteen. The other was a thrift store Angel ring my mother gave to my cousins, sisters and me when my aunt passed away from breast cancer. More than my debit and credit card being stolen, I was most upset about this. My money was of no concern to me, it was the memories those two rings brought me that I was upset about. I did the most logical thing when I got home after the race; I cancelled my cards. I only mourned my rings, not my broken window or ransacked car or the $40 that was in my wallet. The material things are replaceable. Luckily I have the memories of my Aunt and a replacement ring given to me by my father and one of the Angel ones from my sister Alex. She knew that I wore it every day and gave me hers.
First of all, I don't think that I am better than anybody or that I fully follow this lesson found in the 10th chapter of the Gospel of Mark. There are many ways to interpret this passage and I wish I could do it justice like the pastor at my church did on Sunday.
Some of us create unhealthy attachments to material goods. Last Saturday I went to a going away party for one of my co-workers at another co-worker's house. It was a new house and the furniture and decor reminded me of Edward Norton's apartment in "Fight Club." Our host gave me a tour the minute I walked through the door, and for some reason I felt like making fun of him the whole time. I kept calling him a dork for naming a room, "the chocolate room!" It's not that I was jealous, I was just in awe of the ludicrous nature of the possessions that had no real meaning other than to create a sense of material wealth. The one room that didn't reflect this was shown to me in the dark and consisted of a cot. It's funny how the room with the bare minimum gets the least amount of attention. It just proved my little theory that this party was thrown to show off this house, not to really say goodbye to our friend. This house reflects the type of life, I'm assuming, this person wants to portray.
I wasn't uncomfortable nor am I judging because from the age of probably thirteen to eighteen, I lived in a home that was for display only. I would say that both my father and mother, even though they live in separate homes now, still uphold that material standard. I do care what others think of my living arrangements, as I don't want people to think that I'm a slob, but I also know that a home is meant for living. I don't want to live in a museum. I have a studio apartment that I have furnished with used goods, except for my bed. I HAD to have a decent bed! Every year for Christmas I ask for appliances. If I don't have something, I go to the thrift store. Maybe this just reflects my frugalness and that I would rather spend my money in other areas, like travel. I would rather expand my cultural horizons than buy a coffee table book about the Giant Buddhas in Afghanistan. (Being that Afghanistan will probably be off limit for tourism for a while, the book may have to suffice for now though!!! :) After the sermon on Sunday, I knew that I didn't want to have attachments to material goods and I think I'm doing pretty good in that department.
HOWEVER!!!!
The Sermon was not about forming attachments to material goods! It was more about forming unhealthy attachments to people, drugs, sex, gluttony;lets just say, the Seven Deadly Sins! AHHHH!!!!! Having an unattached life then becomes difficult and even more disconcerting!
Who of us hasn't found ourselves slaves to our emotions? I know I have. I used to date this guy (many, many, many years ago) who I couldn't let go of. He was an awful sort of person. He would tell me that I was ugly, that I lacked self-esteem, not very bright, and that if I wouldn't satisfy him (you know how) then he would look for it elsewhere. I tried my hardest to be the best I could be for him, but nothing ever seemed to be just right. At my Grandfather's 80th birthday party, I tried pulling him near me for some reason and was giddy because I was with my family. He got in my face, grabbed my bi-cep to hold me there, and sneered at me, "what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you ever do that again." I backed away and later I apologized to HIM for being a silly girl. I guess he did apologize to me after that, but why the hell was I willing to put up with this behavior? I guess in some sick way, I needed somebody to complete me. Oh Shel Silverstein, where were you when I needed you the most? Luckily I know now that I am my missing piece. Sometimes when I think back about the horrible things he said to me, and how he kept me in my place, I want to call him up and give him a peace of my mind. I sometimes will write him an e-mail to ask if he is happy, and when he says that he is not really, then I am satisfied with knowing that he is a miserable person. I guess technically I should let that attachment go, to the feeling that I am happy that he is unhappy. I have forgiven him in my heart even though he has never asked for an apology. My goal to live a positive life, and one with high standards is thanks to him, so I guess keeping the memories alive about him help pave my life. This doesn't mean that I haven't since then found myself unhealthily attached to another person though. Fortunately I have been able to recognize when things need to end to continue the quality of life that I have set for myself. Sometimes it is heartbreaking because I know that people are essentially good, but I have to be good to myself first.
I know I started this with a passage from Mark and I don't want to be preachy, but I believe God wants us to live a good life while we are here on earth. Many of us will assess much wealth during our lives, but we must be willing to let go of it. Becoming unattached to our goods is the healthiest way to do this. Realizing that they are only good while we last is the best thing I think. Then there are many of us who become consumed with believing that our unhealthy habits make our lives rich. The highs I had when I was with my former boyfriend were amazing, I felt that my life was right on track. I quickly realized after moving to Florida to get away from him, that my life had taken a risky detour. Some of us become addicted to drugs and alcohol to escape the realities of life. I believe that God wants us to find a way to make our lives worthwhile and in a healthy sort of manner.
I decided last Saturday to stop drinking and to only partake when I am with my sisters, which is at the most 3 or 4 times a year and only two or three cocktails. Maybe champagne on New Years and a glass of wine on my Birthday. I don't need alcohol to form relationships with my friends or to be able to mingle with strangers. I'm living a good life and I think dousing my feelings and thoughts with alcohol inhibits me from sharing that with others.
The end...
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