My Decision on Children

I often go back and forth on whether or not I'd like to have children.  I'll go through phases where all I want to do is find a man, get married and have ONE child.  Then, I'll take my head out of my ass and think logically.  Do I really want kids?  Or the question is really this: Do I want to have my OWN kids?  I often think of all the children in the world who don't have parents. Either they are orphaned or their parents are not capable of providing them with a quality life.  

I KNOW that regardless of how I will acquire a child, I WILL be a good mother.  I have loved every child I have come in contact with, even the ones who I thought were kind of obnoxious.  I have enjoyed watching my cousin's son grow up.  I feel so close to him and I look at how Sarah has really provided him with a decent and healthy life.  I think her dedication to her son and ALL her children is very noble.  I think her husband's dedication to take her son as his own is even more noble.  I admire him so much and I am so grateful that Sarah found such a good man.  

Yesterday I was taking Senior pictures for one of my co-worker's sons. While we were at the park, three kids walked by and I thought to my self how one day, Sarah and Megan's kids will be this age. They will develop personalities and opinions, they will become independent and they will go through phases to find themselves.  I think when parents are as dedicated to their children's lives as my cousins are to theirs, I think kids grow up to make decisions that are sometimes questionable and sometime dangerous. But I think when a parent has always provided consistent love, those children will make the right decisions for their lives.  

I admire all my friends who make the decision to have children. I admire my own father for taking a chance to raise another man's blood.  I love my mother more than life itself for her wisdom to know that I deserved better than what I biologically should have had.  Her sacrifice to raise me alone and find a man that would provide safety, love and sisters is beyond compare.  Because of her, I believe my cousin was able to make the same wise decisions for her son.  I am honored that I have been surrounded by these great women and the men they chose for their kid's lives. Thanks girls!  And Megan, I can't believe how courageous she has been.  I think she is so fortunate to have her daughter's father around.  Her daughter may not know it now, but she is SO lucky.  To know that regardless of situation, a person is able to love, is reassuring that people are essentially good.

This is why sometimes I question whether I want my own.  I want to be a part of a child's life in a role unlike the one I have now.  I'm cousin Angie, I provide a different kind of role. I'm the fun one; I don't have to discipline.  I want to see somebody grow up and I think regardless of how I come across that child that will be a part of my life in that role, I will love him or her without reserve.  Like I said, I have loved every child that has entered my life, and unconditionally.  And I think being able to love a child makes me realize that my capacity to love another individual is not something I should ignore.   I love, I can't help it, nor should I.