And it was not happy.
So it set off in search
of its missing piece.
And as it rolled
It sang this song-
Oh, I'm looking for my missin' piece
I'm lookin' for my missin' piece
Hi-dee-ho, here I go,
Lookin' for my missin' piece.
In 2003, I was 24 years old I met a boy by the name of Scott. Scott was a boy like I had never known. Our attraction to each other was sudden and spontaneous. Every waking hour we weren't at work was spent together. Our passion for each other was intense, it felt so right, but like all intensely burning fires, it died quickly. For the first time I had allowed myself to fall for somebody so completely that I ended up losing myself. Meredith gave me Shel Silverstein's short story, "The Missing Piece" when Scott and I broke up. The Missing Piece was not happy and went looking for another to make him whole. A simple story really, but so simple a 24 year old completely missed the point. My relationships before Scott were superficial in nature and when I found this person I could lose myself in, I guess I went searching for that missing piece. He wasn't my missing piece and for the first time I thought a break-up could possibly be the end of me. I didn't understand this intense feeling of emptiness and after a much chaotic stretched out break-up, I turned my back and said I'd hate him forever. I thought I'd never find another one. Luckily Scott forgave me and we are now friends, and I'm excited that he has found a girl he wants to commit to for life. So, on I rolled looking for that missing piece.
Merely a year later, I met the man who I sincerely thought would be the answer to my emptiness. Was Graham the missing piece to my puzzling life? I was so desperate for a match that I took him on. The Graham story is long and complicated and not worth hashing about. If I found myself lost in Scott, I definitely lost my soul in Graham. I did things I would have never dreamed imaginable. If you want to know this story ask me, but he was definitely not the missing piece. To find myself again I had to take drastic measures and move to Florida so my mother could protect and care for me. For the first time I found myself in the grips of an ugly depression that wanted to rip my soul from my body. I knew I didn't want to feel this way and I was angry with him for close to two years for destroying me. But luckily I forgave myself and set out to rebuild myself. But my rebuilding wasn't for me, but to prove to all that I was an intelligent and worthy individual. In the nearly four years that he and I broke up, I did do myself a favor and actually learned many things about my world and set out to discover them. (Read my Angie in Egypt blog for that) Graham was never and could never be my missing piece.
Graham and I broke up on November 1st, 2004. Four years later during the summer of 2008, I was finding myself and was so close to discovering where exactly my missing piece was. I have dated many guys over the past four years and have been quite selective and picky because I know I deserve somebody good. Right before I was to leave for France, I met one. He seemed so right and for the first time I was being true to myself and flicking away the others. But I left for France to prove that I was self-reliant, bold, brave, determined. Okay, I am a very determined preson, but sometimes one must loosen those strengths they may feel obligated to portray and really challenge their weaknesses and fight them to the death. I should have stayed to continue working on myself. Instead I turned my back on me to impress and gain the approval of somebody that I never thought accepted me: my Dad. So here I am, at the end of 2008 feeling like I have failed myself and jeopardized my happiness. Okay, that feeling was so three days ago.
As you may well imagine, I see a therapist. After I revealed my broken self to this good guy I had met, who I felt I needed to be a perfect version of myself so that I could gain HIS acceptance, he left me. He wasn't the missing piece that I've been so desperately searching for. It's okay though, nobody can fill the void and heal a broken person except the one who is broken. And finally, Saturday night it came to me. Everything my therapist had talked about, made complete sense. I knew it would eventually. My anger and my emptiness stems from my lack of having a father. I have a Dad, a "Papi" as we call him, but I never felt that I was truly a part of this family that we became when I was five. I have a new favorite quote, "A child should never have to gain his or her parent's respect, he or she should automatically have it." Amen! I've been angry with my mother, my Papi, and most of all my biological father. So, I took the step I felt was necessary. I did a People Search, paid $39.95 for a phone number, and called. When I heard his voice on the other line for the first time in 15 years, I felt instant relief. I cried to him about why he left and by the time the conversation ended I knew that my mother only wanted a good life for me and kept him and his influence out. Had he been a part of it, I would probably be missing an even larger piece of my life. The weight I felt I had been carrying for years lifted. I found a new respect for my mother and for my Papi. He may not have been the best step-dad, but I know that he did the best he knew how.
SELF-Fulfillment is what Silverstein's short story is about and I feel it now. It resonates within my soul. I am alone right now and I feel fine. I feel free. Forgiveness is powerful. Not only does it set the ones who have hurt you free, but even more, the one who does the forgiving.
My "father" and I went to Wendy's last night for dinner and sat face to face for the first time ever and had a conversation. He told the cashier up front, "this is my daughter." I was kind of embarrassed, but at that moment I realized that without even knowing me, he loved me, and that he was proud of me. He didn't even have to try. It's not that I am seeking his approval because he is a complicated man with a troubled past. I thank my mother for helping me become the person that I am, for having the wisdom for not letting him in my life, for seeing that I am so worthy of a wonderful life. I love so many people and I will always want to serve others in a loving way (not like a slave). I have this feeling in my heart that I am okay and that I am a great person. I've accomplished so much for myself while all the while being very much afraid of the world. I feel like I can go on and live out the purpose of my life, whatever it may be. I don't feel imprisoned by my feelings and my inadequacies any more. I am free to be imperfect. I am free to be me.....
.....I am my missing piece.
Check out Silverstein's short story here:
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