Sundays...

A day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about Joe....my mother posted some pictures on her myspace of him that she found. What is crazy is that, three of them were pictures that I took and had been wondering about. They are from the last day and night that I ever saw Joe. I just can't tonight....it's too sad.

Today....

Today I went onto Joe's myspace page today and it gave me the chills. Thinking of death often does that. I get this empty and scary feeling in my stomach and I think I'm going to pass out. Seeing the last time he logged in will probably remain forever etched in my brain 06/16/08, just a week before his 22nd birthday. He'll never log on, he'll never call anybody on the phone, and he'll never send a text message to his friends. It's so finite to us who remain behind. The majority of us will grow very old and die when we've accomplished a wealth of achievements. But Joe doesn't get to do that and I think that's what makes all of us so upset.

What I learned today though is that I think people get to the end and accept the fact and just say "check please." They may be afraid, but I think they realize that their lives have reached their potential and they're satisfied with what is ultimately going to happen. I often think, "oh I have so much I have to do still," I can't die yet. I have to fill up my days and be successful and productive. I think many of us do that instead of really living. We must really live...as if we were going to die tomorrow, so that when death comes to us we may be afraid, but ready to go. I was talking to my sister Alex either right before Joe died, or right after and she was crying, "he didn't get to meet his potential." To those of us that are healthy and able to outlive those who die young, we see it as a huge disadvantage. Who are we to determine what each individuals potential is? Maybe Joe didn't finish school because his time on this earth was going to be short. Maybe he never had a steady job because he was too busy enjoying life. For the rest of us, we have to find jobs, go to school because we have to make it through a long life that will take years to be fullfilled. Joe's life was full I think and he didn't need everything that the rest of us need.

Joe moved to Tampa to live with his mother and he was going to go back to school. During the first week of school he was diagnosed with the cancer. He lived in a city with a major cancer institute and he was put on his mother's health insurance when he decided to back to school. Alicia thinks its unique and probably more than just coincidence. I think so too.

I did nothing today...I went to work, made some money so I can go to France. Came home, took a nap, had dinner and now I'm watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Hugh Hefner. Should I be cramming my day with friends right now or should I be enjoying this relaxing moment? Maybe living life as if you were to die tomorrow is just enjoying each day. I think that's it. As unproductive as I feel, this is great! I'd really like a caramel sundae from McDonald's, but that'll make me feel like crap. Then I'd regret my day. Don't think I'll do that.

And I've learned...learning is a constant. I want to remember everyday what I've learned...goodnight!

The first lesson

I think for the most part today I lived like I were to die tomorrow. I talked to my sisters and my Mom. I went to church and really understood and connected with the scripture. It was the parable of the sower and the weeds found in Matthew Chapter 13. It prophesies the end of days and says that the evildoers will be sent to the furnaces of hell and the rightous will reach the Kingdom. Everytime we recite the Lord's prayer, we get to the part about temptation. When I feel those words cross my lips, I taste them, I inhale them, I ingest them because I don't know if succumbing to my temptations will lead me in an evil direction. I feel that I lead an awfully sin-free life, but my mind reaches that point where I have to confront what most tempts me other than chocolate and sugary things. The temptation to love somebody with my whole being. You know what I'm talking about and I won't write it out in case there are people out there who don't get the gist of my words. Is this temptation such an evil act to succumb to that one day I will spend the afterlife in hell?

Celibacy and chastity are two words that are often interchangeable in our modern language, but originally the two were completely separate from each other. Taking a vow of celibacy means to take a vow not to marry whereas taking a vow of chastity means living a sexually moral life. So, a person who takes a vow of celibacy and then has sex with somebody is still celibate. A married person who has sex with his or her spouse is maintained under the vow of chastity because sex is allowed and protected under marriage. So basically many people can say they are celibate because they aren't married.

A continent person is one who refrains from sex of any sort. SO....the Roman Catholic Priests are continent because they don't get married and they don't have sex. I could go into the history of that, but I won't. I've already learned that.

We're all told (those of us who grew up in religious households) that having sex outside of marriage is sinful, but is it really? I'm not encouraging anybody to go and sleep around with whoever. Giving oneself to another person is a huge decision and the consequences can be tremendous. However, Sex can also be beautiful and the right decision with the right person. This whole sex thing or loving somebody with your whole being really tied in with a conversation I had this evening.

Do we as humans really just want to be alone? Should we only think of ourselves, care only about our own emotions and disregard the rest? I think their are certain times in life when we truely need to be alone, to develop our thoughts without outside assistance. Then there are times when we need other people to comfort us and be near us. What's ironic is that these two needs are often presented in difficult times, such as during the passing of a loved one, and often confront each other. And most of the time they come from two or more individuals. One wants the comfort of a hug for reassurance, or just to know that he or she is not suffering alone. One wants time alone to process the information and what it all means. Then the clash of the emotions erupt into a volcanic explosion of ash and destruction. Emotions that are already deeply bruised suffer even more extreme trauma. As humans we don't think rationally when we are in pain or suffering. We scorn the other person who has so deeply offended us and push away somebody that we may need to take comfort in later on. Sometimes when our emotions are on overdrive, we need to be able to listen to the other person and express what we need. Walking off to be alone can be confusing to the person who is sharing your pain. Pushing your need for comfort on someone who needs reflection can be overbearing and suffucating. Simple words such as "I need a minute for myself," or "I need your company right now," can alleviate much unneeded extra stress.

I don't think it's correct to say, "I only care about myself." When people come together for some sort of comfort or when they need time away reflects the love that we have for each other. It demonstrates the abundance of love that encircles us all. Love isn't just an emotion that exists between brother and sister, mother or daughter and husband and wife. It exists between the girl who is in pain and the woman, who not knowing a thing about her grief, offers a tissue. Caring for others and loving all those who come into our lives is what binds us together. They say that Jesus came to earth to spread God's love and when we reach out to people in need, we are expressing and exercising that lesson.

So when we take somebody in our arms even in times of joy, God is working through us. We're never alone and being detached is a state that really doesn't exist.

So when we love somebody and we want to give ourselves over completely to another person even outside the sanctity of marriage, can that really be considered sin? Maybe it can be when we don't completely love that individual, or when we seek out only the physical desire of what we confuse to be love. God gave us emotions and bodies that experience intense sensations. To deny ourselves of all that God has given us to me would be a denial of God's gift to us as humans. Again, I'm not saying, go out, have sex with whoever. I'm saying, when you feel an all encompassing love, do not be afraid to explore its meaning. Sometimes it's as simple as holding somebody's hand during a scary movie. Or caring for a person you love who can no longer feed him or herself.

Our lives are filled with incredible emotions, but the emotion to love is what carries us through life. It is what allows us to know what fear is, what pain is, what anger is. If we didn't have love, we would be nothing. Love and oxygen are partners. Life cannot be sustained without them.

Knowing this gives me solace and makes me believe that yes, I did live today as if I were to die tomorrow, and I think I definitely learned something. I won't live forever, but this is a reminder that when death comes "knocking at my door," I will be able to proceed to the next life with those who have witnessed first hand the eduring power of love that God shows us daily through the lives of other people. Joe loved his friends deeply and I think he knew it was okay to leave us all because he knew that God had blessed him with this intense love. He awaits us now with those who are not afraid to love because they know that it is what ties us to God, what ties us together.

Love each other with all your heart, experience the joy and sadness that affect us all. Don't let the bumps in the road derail you from it for too long.

Dedicated to Joe Alabarces

Okay, now it seems I have a blog for every thought I have. This one is special because its dedicated to a young kid by the name of Joe Alabarces.

Joe was my sister Alicia's first boyfriend. He asked her out when she was 15 on a stage in the middle of the mall, in front of probably hundreds of people. I wasn't there, but I could imagine what it was like. For a boy of 16, he wasn't afraid to let everybody know how he felt about this girl. My sister and Joe were lucky to have found each other. There are benefits of meeting a soulmate at such a young age and of course there are the downfalls. (I don't know if Alicia would say he was her soulmate, but I think he was)

The pros of meeting young:

1. You don't have the history of going through a horrible relationship.

2. You're innocent, you can learn what love is together.

3. Discovering your insecurities together and then conquering them.

4. Tons more I'm sure, but I'm too emotional right now for the rest.

The cons of meeting young:

1. You're not mature enough to recognize your differences and your uniqueness of being individuals in a relationship.

2. Not knowing how to comprise because you're so sure of yourself.

3. Not realizing that what you're going through is something so special.

Alicia and Joe met too young and broke up before they could meet their potential. But that's life...you live and you learn. But they two remained friends over the past 3 to 4 years. Although they weren't together, they loved each other. The fights and reconciliation were learning tools. I think they were too stubborn to realize how good they were together. Alex (my other sister) and I would tease Alicia that one day she would marry Joe. However, God had other plans and I think Alicia knew that deep in her heart somewhere. She would say, "no, I love Joe, but he and I are too different." I think it would have worked eventually, but I can't get stuck in the "would haves."

When Joe found out he had brain cancer, he wrote a quote in his "About Me" section on his Myspace page. It said, "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." I think that Joe probably lived his life according to this quote before he found out. Joe was a unique person that brought so much joy to all of our lives. I didn't get to know him like my sister did, but he sure was cool. He was easy to talk to and you never knew if he was being serious. Everybody that ever met him probably liked him. It was easy to click with him. Accepting him for who he was, was a cake walk.

I have battled depression for who knows how long and this little quote has impacted me so much. Thanks to Joe, I think I may approach life a little differently. I'm always so worried about how unsuccessful my life has been and that my life has been uneventful and uninspiring. My mother always tries to reassure me that it is and that I've done so many amazing things so far. I've always know that people's lives affect others so much, but I never think that my life will ever amount to much nor will it affect anybody else. But Joe's quote has made me re-evaluate what's important. This is my life, I should live it how I see fit. And I love to learn, so I should definitely continue to learn something new everyday or every minute. So I will, I'll make an effort to remember something of what I've learned everyday. Joe may have died young, at 22, but his wisdom will not.

Fly with the Angels Joe, we'll love you forever.